This Is Fine

I wrote a song yesterday (last day/night) which I have not done in ages.

some scratch-lyrics I did in prep that week. Before recording started.

It was written in a very brief amount of time. I don’t know how close I am to making it something I feel songfully about. I don’t know if I got this blog entry about it right. I don’t typically write “song bios.” I was thinking about starting to make videos about my process. Before I didn’t. It seemed self indulgent. But maybe I ought to get over this, and get out here. I ought to admit that I am interested in myself, because people are interesting and I am actually not a cynical person.

I wrote this blog entry last night in the dead of night and hit publish quickly–much like I rushed to get my song entry into the Song Fight people last minute. This time, I am going to say I got my point across through mood and content rather than through production and flash. Now I don’t believe that mixing properly is bad, not at all, I just think that in my case the pursuit of perfection holds me back from the actual composition of the thing.

I was going for a feeling of detached concern and a deeply passionate but distanced advocacy. Sort of surfing the breakers of white guilt.

White guilt is a fraught, bullshit topic and there is really no pretty way to be frank about it. Its awkward how atrocious my presence is in this conversation, no matter what I would say, even if it is helpful. This is not about me in the least. I wanted to try to explain this last night, because if you don’t say anything you are just wearing your fuzzy blanket, really.

I have wanted to explain it before. But wanting to explain a horrible thing and NEEDING to explain a horrible thing and having a responsibility either to DO or to JUST SHUT UP or to Show Up quietly is sometimes a thing that it is on just each Individual to navigate. Thusly, this is a song TO me, and for my sake and feelings. There’s a “you know why” line that’s an elephant in the room. And it’s addressing people like me because we know why all of those things in the song and we’re “sure that…” Ellipsis. Because what can one add to the conversation?

In the song I talk about being at the end of a life but paradoxically knowing you’re “not going to die.” This basically means that there’s a likelihood of a long life and statistics are kind if you are privileged in society. I used a lot of words like ‘lies’ and ‘smile’ and ‘sneak’ and ‘teeth.’ Words that make my voice sound tinny and cause hastily applied last minute effects to jar a bit. I wanted some more little treasures I may add later and help with proper mixing and of course a real master. I had a metallic piano and some scrapes. I’d recorded some dripping water from my kitchen and a steam sound and I have an immersion microphone in the mail coming to me; and I was going to do some things with that. The song is worthwhile, so sauce will be added later. I have a few songs like this so maybe they can make an entire recording. You never know…

The more I listened to it, the more I liked the presentation. I like the pauses. My recording itself is cleaner and my ears are improved, I think. I didn’t worry that it needed a bridge and rush to clutter the song with more and more changes. It feels songwriterly… again. My other recent material does not. It feels like part of shows, which is different.

I almost didn’t need to blog about it, but you come to a realization that it is your blog, at a certain point. So I have to stand for something and report my whereabouts even if I am vague and quiet about it. And to say that I do not support the wanton carelessness of one group of humans toward another–let alone the violence–that’s necessary. But if every effort I make to even feel towards a thing is lost in a sea of pleasant couch cushions, this is also an issue. It’s problematic if we are silenced by the huge reality of our own insultingly mundane unimportance in the scheme of things. We are raised to feel exceptional. We are not, and we are not necessary. And it’s dangerous … to feel -unUnique. For ANYBODY.

It’s a hypothetical that isn’t so hypothetical. It’s about a shade of gray that is actually quite black and white in this case. It might mean different things to different people, but this is what it means to me. In any case, it would be about personally showing up morally unprepared and trying to put a cartoon bandaid over a gaping hole and showing up to a funeral in your stupid party dress. So making excuses.

It’s hard to explain my emotions. The recording was like this. I was in half a new room setup. I was setting up a new machine and the last times Ive tried to do a round of one of these on a brand new machine I’ve taken collaborators down with me because the sound’s been off. At the end, I had to swap machines to get a vocal down because my newer machine didn’t want to talk to my legacy interface and was having assignment and routing problems. These things make me feel like a dork, particularly after getting quick at routing and problem solves–but at I’m a little better at slapping apology demo FX on things now. She says this after sending a mildly distorted track 🙂

After some self-flagellation on the forums which I did not need to do, I regretted saying anything because I think now this track has sort of grown on me. I like the chords I chose and the ebb and flow of intensity like it’s also a musical option to just opt out. I feel like I ought to give myself more credit for making good musical choices and having the intent there in the beginnings of things. It’s important I respect this songwriter thing in myself or I’m going to get into a bad habit of abandoning my work again at the first sign that someone thinks a negative thing about it. Maybe they are right about me, I will think, although I ought to know better by now that the opinions of others do not really matter and this is a head game. Making songs for other people will always leave your work sounding contrived and fake-ish (at least for me). Even if you have a commission or an assignment of some kind or a fan base to please–they have requested YOU, and so you must show up with your whole mind and body.

This is a highly edited entry, as I said before, and I probably should try a little harder with song bios next time. This is probably true of songs as well. All I know is that my sleep is off and I have comedy to write-write for a class I am taking; and also.must cook and bake and get back to normal. There’s bread, I hopped on that train. And who knows if I’ll be back in here to change more of the record. Or not. Maybe I’ll just make a list-ier one later about other random stuff (no one believes).

To close (finally! :D) I honestly don’t expect much or to get through to be top 25 of 41 people with my rushed little offering, no matter that it was earnestly performed. But you never know because sometimes the weirdest things of mine get liked the most. I made second place with an educational “bad rap” about a piranha track I did in less than 2 hours. I think people were surprised. No one will be surprised about exposed vocal and sparsely emotional piano. Either way, this could be me making personal history fizzling out of Nur Ein in a Round 0 or even just skating thru to an ultimate and unlikely stupid win (HA!)…so we’ll just have to see.

Hi again.

This is a photo of something bloggish and relaxing so that your eyes are not bored. I saw it when I had a lunch break from doing something exciting.

Is that cryptic? I’m really sorry. I’ve gotten really burnt out on the internet and social media in general. I could blame a lot of things. The political climate just…everywhere. The general level of discourse. Cyber overcrowding. My basic moodiness. But I’ve been good and fine and happy and stuff. Just normal me. And I’ve been busy and the things I used to complain about here are mostly mischiefmanaged and all that.

I’m not ready to get into specifics. I’m really just kind of feeling “why”ish and lazy about it. I want to do the stuff that might get me paid and/or that promises emotional or experience payoffs that benefit me or people I care for in some way. I don’t want to type into a vacuum. But there was something that this blogging did for me. I’m trying to remember it. Maybe when I do and I can form a sentence about that, I will do more of it. Stay tuna-ed…

#nobodybelievesthis

#untilnextyearthen…

dreams of wet laundry.

Photo on 11-11-15 at 10.13 PM

1. My sleep cycles are shark attack-whack.

2. I am having dreams about laundry. Whats wrong with me?

3. I’M WRITING NON-CONTEST SONGS! JUST ‘BECAUSE.’

AND PERFECTING THEM and PRACTICING. I WROTE THIS in CAPS BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT. Am BEHAVING like a PROFESSIONAL. ZOOOP!

4. I have a pervasive headache but have gotten rid of the bad habit of using Lowercased “i” to refer to my Bad Self. Schwing.
5. No, not a “headache.”

6. I want some coffee.

7. The laundry I dreamed of was still wet from the washer and boring. It was in Australia (not boring) and my mother-in-law wanted us to take it to my sister-in-law’s house so we could hang it up on a clothesline for all to see it a’flapping in the breeze all Continental Style and stuff. Because it’s fine to just let your undies fly in Alternative Laundry Cultures. Furrrf. #underworldproblemsthatAreNotReallyproblems

8. There was a jaunty trumpet solo in my dream, but this is not really relevant.

9. I want more chocolate, but my rear end grows ample.

10. A Loving Friend who I go WAY BACK with gave us tickets to see Neil Gaiman tonight. I’ll write about this on the internet later like someone who is culturally observant. SERIOUSLY.

11. I have stuff to say about dental hygiene, but it’s a REALLY HARROWING TALE involving Irresponsible Pinterest Usage, a nasty chemical burn, an only slightly kerfliffly immune system, an actual trip to the dentist, non-denominational and playful supplications to an undefined household faerie of Tooth Care/Antiinflamatories/Antibiotics, HARD CORE Mouthwashes made by Advanced Industry, and a comfy sweater. I think I’ve said enough.

12. Another friend got me lipsticks for my birthday that were sent in a package. One of the VERY NICE (YSL!) lipsticks is in a flash and grown-up shade I have nicknamed “FBI Agent Red.” I’d look pretty fetch in an Agent Scully get up about 20 pounds ago sporting this shade before I cheese popcorned it all off of my greedy little gummer. The glosses are nice and class-act too. I might wear one to the show tonight, with my green skirt and a top appropriate to my advancing age. Earrings too. Why not go for broke? It’s almost my birthday and I should seize this golden age.

Winter is coming, my gremlin comrades.

frrrrfh.

1. Today is a hangnail.
2. I am not having a fantastic week already.
3. I do not want to blog or make one of my non-famous Un-viral videos. Or do anything else similarly exhausting at the moment.
4. I just want to get some work done and get through a list of simple, random tasks I do not feel like elaborating upon. Things that are baby steps that I am mildly excited about. Notions I might quietly entertain before they are crushed into the dirt by criticism, or examples of younger-cooler-already-better-thans, or absconded with and twisted up, or whatevered on.
4. I am terrified I will feel stressed out by something random, and will decide to hide under the bed forever.
5. I am tired of how fantastic and colorful everything is and totally get that I’m not Up to Par. I need some coffee.
6. I realize that I’m terribly lucky, and many people have it far worse than me, and I should never, ever complain.
7. My breath has been worse, but could improve.
8. Usually I’m not like this, but today I am. I blame the media, and the arrival of dire and depressing news in the form of monthly periodicals. I send letters to the editor in–to no avail.

furf.

1. I have Another Bizarre Health problem. I don’t want to blog about it though, because it’s totally geriatric.
 2. Wow. this is a fascinating way to begin a blog entry. I ooze with sex appeal. See me sparkle. Hrrrrrah!
 3. (that was the noise made by an alluring blog post. in case you were wondering)
 4. Oh!! I totally broke google today! You know how I have Identities and all that. Well, i was trying to opt out of ads and assign things to the right places and get my ducks in a row and I caused a huge problem for DJ Ranger Den and she didn’t link to anything anymore and it was dumb. All of a sudden stuff was hanging out everywhere and my internet spleen was hanging out and my super secret blog that makes me zippy and mysterious was assigned to my business account and I’m really not drinking enough water and ugh thyroidmeds hell no totally not necessary also run-on and It’s frickkin mosquito weather all the time. Why don’t we have coffee faeries?
 5. No one notices all this controversy but me.
 6. Oh for crying out loud…..
 7. It’s like watching cereal sog up. I’m sorry y’all. I got nuthin…. :/

six.

1. Hello. It is Thursday! Springtime has arrived! Quite a while ago. It is alive and well in my nose. #tmi
2. I think my SCREAMING HEADACHE is stupid so I’m fighting with it. I’m going to brush my teeth again but we have all heard that since cows have been amoebii (not a word).
3. I’m starving for food I can’t decide on so I had a banana and a cracker and something else I can’t remember. I’m so bored and tummyish.
4. I’m whiny.
5. I think despite best efforts, I got a nose disease. Maybe it’s a matter of mind over maudlin tho.
6. I had a lovely day with my nieces and nephews last year. I took pictures and got creative with one of them, used one to do a kind of inner-child-kicking-an-anger-ball sort of thing. The original photo is part of a quickly snapped series of the kids playing a little soccer game at the park. The girls were pretty good at kicking the ball around, better than I was as a kid. 🙂

I’ll give the visible ones to her mom sometime, but in that one I’ll do more of the whole activity of her playing the game in order; where her expressions can be seen. I do think I did a good job in the blur though.

Also a running words thing which I haven’t done for a while.

unfair,
violent
undermine
lie.
drama
cage
Insanity,
terrify.
worry
tiny
sibling –
holy:
union
special.
‘schmeary’
uh….
…no.
Rage.
Love.
Free?
we.
yes,
You
are
me.

20140522-162808-59288413.jpg

growing pains

1. I am having a terrible migraine
2. I’m in a really weird mood
3. I think I’m getting sick.
4. I’m at that weird place where I’m on the edge of figuring it out. So things aren’t good in the meantime.
5. It’s a burden sometimes, when you don’t feel well and you feel like falling apart, but you still have to keep your poise. I think of this. There’s a little Russian ice skater and she’s 15. She probably doesn’t think it’s that big a deal. She said that having all the emotion is useless if there are no elements to hang it on. I’m not there yet, with the elements. And I’m running out of time.
6. I’m going to write more about this tomorrow. I’m having a rough time right now. Like really rough. But it’s not so bad. 🙂 I’m just tired.

Way Lame Blog Post OMG Gag Me with a SpoonFlargAck.

1. It’s, like, soooooooooooooooooooooo late.
2. Yeah, I like, totally just typed that. It’s way time for bed.
3. I’m a 40 year old. For reals.
4. I’m not as funny as I used to be.
5. I think I’m getting the arthritis from computers. I always thought it would be tendonitis from piano practicing, which would be more heroic and Romantic. Alas, alack, no … it will be just another Internet Injury like the rest of Modern Society. How Banal.
6. This is very Lady of Cooking Onions. It’s time for bed. Like,
way past time.
7. This waste of everyone’s eyeball blinks has been brought to you by 3:24ish, central time. Amen.