What Happens in Portland…

1. I’m back from a trip I took about a week and a half ago to Portland for this thing called SongFight! Live. I did my own tiny set for a mildly smily-but-challenging crowd. They were a bit more chatty than I’m used to, requiring me to bring out the emotional pyrotechnics and stage pizzaz. I’d give my performance a solid 6 out of 10.

2. Videos were made of this performance  and I put a couple of them on G+. You can find them then if you’re just DYING to see them. Otherwise, maybe I’ll post myself singing and playing music some other day.

3. I also sat in with someone and played Mysterious Organ, was in three-ish other bands on various instruments. and participated in the live fight wearing a green mask. There were glow sticks.

4. However, I probably caught Airline Hospitality Flu on the way up there. I did not know it at the time, and mistook the illness for a hellish evening of food poisoning that kicked off violent night shakes and sweating fever-chills with weird cold-y fatigue symptoms during the day. I felt gut wrenching guilt over other people’s (probably) unrelated colds, and obsession over germs I figured I’d certainly sprinkled willy-nilly over each shared meal. And I accidentally left a charming parasol behind in my hotel; although it had Random Chinese Characters on it. So in retrospect, perhaps I dodged a cultural insensitivity bullet.

5. All-in-all, it was a little hotelzo-hectic, and there were a few other really emo things that went down that are more diary-than-blog worthy. And they CERTAINLY, *CERTAINLY* aren’t social media worthy in my opinion. But there’s really no reason I should still be a wreck because there was lots of Nice. Yet I am still somehow moody and fragile and there’s also probably no Vitamin B left in my body–add to this the lunar landing modules are being trashed again by the Travelling Minstrels in Space and we all KNOW what THAT means …….

6. I’m going to BlogathonATX in September but I still need a ticket. I need to get geared up for this. I am also rather vigorously working on incidental and accompaniment music for a friend’s musical, and on my own Next Steps.

7. Anyway, this is my demeanor during and now after the trip. And I’m NOT in good driving mode anymore … off my game, so fellow Austinites are now trying to pick me off in this Automotive Darwinism thing we have going. Portland driving is very cerebral, motorists take the time to exchange meaningful eyerolls and fraught glances that could mean anything at all. And I wish I was used to the blind inconsiderate-ness of the driving back home yet, but I’m really angry still (I’ll tell my Highway Story later).

8. I don’t know how to act on social media anymore, that’s been utterly destroyed. I told a story on Twitter about a Thing that happened to me in Portland. EPIC saga of a man yelling at his companion … who then cleverly stole his keys while his back was turned! So I ended up being the person from out of town talking about people I don’t know behind their backs on the Internet. But I think I was just trying this ‘People of Wal-Mart’ style of “journalism” on to see if it worked. Why? Who cares? Does this have anything meaningful to do with my Portland experience? Maybe I am being too hard on myself and it was mildly clever entertainment. But did it do ANYTHING to edify or change my narrative? Should I have talked about what was REALLY going on?

What DID really happen in Portland and … in the last few years even, and why can’t I just DEAL? Why is this trip the mental situation, a Vest Factory come to a head? I played some music there. I had some interactions. I took a few photos. But, life is not a Wes Anderson film, and my head is not a pashmina to be wrapped around an elephant in the tastefully lit room.

9. I think it’s just going to take me a while to sort out my feelings.

But ultimately I can change and learn and adapt if I feel safe and can breathe. This is what I figured out.

10.   So I thought a lot in Portland and it turns out I’m not nearly as adept at subtlety or subtext as I thought I was. Nutshell–I know I didn’t fit in, but damn I over-tried. But it was Song Fight, so I ALWAYS try just a smidge too hard anyhow. And I’m usually overthinking what maybe probably isn’t an epic fail? Unless it was. Except it really wasn’t..? You know, or not. Hell, I don’t know. 

What Happens in Portland…

Two for the price of One Plus a Dollar…

These are the kitties of Randall, “Couch Kitty” and “Window Kitty” .. also known as Alex and Max.
These are the photos we took before they left. It’s been weird. I didn’t want to blog about them, because I don’t know how they are – but I haven’t been blogging a lot and yesterday I went out and read some of my writing to some people and there was mirth and fun and enjoyment and I realize how much I edit and hold back and am careful and it does me no good because bad things continue to happen anyway regardless of what I do. So I may as well just continue on as I am, writing as I like and trying my hardest to be the best that I can be. What can one do about such things? We are moving, and it’s a billiondy million degrees, and and I have been a worrier of Epic Porpoises since I was a podling. Everything will work out fine. I continue to stare suspiciously at the piano and wish things would pack up themselves and magically sort-out-in-all-easy-ways.
1. Pianoteq problem again while trying to save some old data. Well, my pianos have been saved. This is very important because they are like my babies and represent times and places in my development and they remind me of people and places and conversations and stuff I was going through. Sometimes I would just make a piano to FEEL better.

2. I am going to have a graham crackers shaped like tiny rabbits. Because I can.
3. I’m out at my Tuesday night writers group again. I’m proud of this, because this is something that I I’ve been doing that is consistent and that is special and tasty. I don’t know if “tasty” applies here; but we’re going to go with it.
4. Have you ever reached an impasse with a friend? Well, I have reached an impasse with this particular friend so many times that the restaurant that we used to meet at when we were younger with firmer complexions has turned into a hipster space station and moved down the road. I’d go in there, but I am afraid that the smell of TIGI and pretention would choke every shred of energy I have regained from me. Yes, every precious SHRED of energy that I have refound and will clutch to my bosom before my doctor has figured out that I have ripped myself off cholesterol medicine and thrust its evil presence from my wrecked body.
5. I’m a tad drama today. Expect more typing.
6. I think I’m slowly finding my fan base. I’ve been hunting them down. I have, of course, been saying this for years of beers, and the 6-8 people who have OPT-ed-ed-IN are tired of my megalomaniacal claims I am sure. They are people like me. But the regular channels of the Getting of the Attention … it doesn’t WORK that way. I can’t be all MERCHY with these people. I can’t jump up and down with pom-poms and clever hooks and drag them out to gigs and send them to my bandcamp.
7. My husband, who apparently although he has a job cannot be bothered to actually code or anything (#pokeymirthlystuff) has figured out that Vinny the Geriatric Kitteh is between 84 and 90ish years of age in human years. Before we dragged him back inside, he was having a vigorous, non-consensual “dating” life with Domina – who I am assuming is between 50 and 60. I am thinking that perhaps a crotchety (yes, I am aware that I have enjoyed typing that word before) .. old man cat could have been rather useful last night as Get-the-Hell-Off-My-Porching those Raccoons last night. More likely he would have just sat there allowing the powers that flea to take his love and take his land. Animals are jerks.
8. Anyway, about my fanz-with-a-Lolcat-inspired-“z” … they are people of the night. Unless they aren’t; and they feel more jaunty during the afternoon or for breakfast or elevenzees. Sometimes they are practical people who like to make crafty items with funny ears. Sometimes they aren’t weird for the sake of being weird. Actually, they never are. They’re just themselves. They just move around, heads cocked to the sides- funny half smiles at the ready. They don’t have the squinky look on their face that I imagine the majority of people make when they are reading my blog. Or perhaps I am giving myself too much credit and I think it is terribly Roman Tick to imagine myself velvet caped in my dungeon of delights playing my creepy basement organ.
9. that is not what she said.
10. I’ve missed blogging. I promise I will not get all creepy.
11. We are inDEED moving to a new location and it does not have a creepy basement for a creepy organ. There are probably about 3-4 basements in the whole city of Austin because of all the limestone. It’s really too bad because I bet it would be nice and cool and cavey down there.
12. OOOOO! I forgot all about CAVES!
12.5 -> I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve lacked confidence. I’ve need LOTS of reassurance. I USED to be like that, but I trained out of it. I think that this is because I got sick, and being sick is scary and hurty and vulnerable.

Well, no more! When you realize that you are in the bottom of a dank, dank, stinky hole then you have to look up and see the gleaming taco stand at the top and crawl back out. I have stuff to do. I’m not even going to link it. I’m not even going to BLOG RESPONSIBLY. You’ll all just have to wait because

A. I have either TWO or THREE songs to write. I’m hedging about the third because I am not sure if it is needed, wanted, or necessary. It’s become almost a philisophical connundrum at this point.

B. I SHOULD start with the song that I know I have, but for some reason doing the most difficult thing is what I crave, because if I can do it; that means that I have my stuff under control
C. There is not any more. For that is all.


ps. sorry for mistigacakes. We have to go someplace and I don’t have the time to spell-chalk this up properliciously.

Two for the price of One Plus a Dollar…

Funny bits in a Borrring Day…

I am doing the ever-present, unceasing filing on the Cylon and I found this FUNNY-funny thing I wrote before the Songfight! Live event in New York. This was when I went from the JFK airport to Grand Central station, and was going to my friend Jenny’s house in Connecticut. So I wrote this “bloggy thing” while tired and frustrated in the basement of the train station. It’s really pretty, and confusing down there. Ai!


1. Am writing this, sans internet, in the basement of grand central station. It is gold and beautiful. I am tired and sweaty. I smell s’nasty.
2. I am weary and dejected. Unhappy and dissatisfied. You could knock me over with a feather. I wonder if it closes here tonight. There’s a girl sitting in a big gooshy chair with her head on her knees and she looks like her heart has been broken. A guy walked by with a guitar. I wanted to ask him if he was here for Songfight Live, but it’s too early and apparently there are 12 million people in this city.
On with the list. I’ve already wasted two.

4. I have had it HAMMERED home to me today that I am NOT a special, unique treasure.
5. In New York when you are visiting, you want to curl up into a little ball in somebody’s arms and fall asleep for a very long time. Instead you sit down in the basement and think wow… I made it from the airport spending only 7ish bucks and I did it all by myself and only cried twice and had two panic attacks.
6. Jamaica is my favorite place in the entire world. People from Jamaica are wonderful. Jamaica station, Jamaicans themselves, Jamaica, Jamaica… I can think of several Jamaican sorts of stuff that are nothing but wonderful and good. Nothing but happy and wonderful memories of everything with J-A-M-A-I-C-A. No, it’s a nice place to visit. I don’t want to live there, necessecelery.
7. I could use a pool. And a taco.
8. The fine folks of the New York City Police Department are not moved by my abject weeping during Rush Hour.
9. People on the subway do NOT like to be stared at by curious southerners.
10. Don’t talk so DAMN SLOW, den.
11. Coming here during rush hour was dumbdumbdumbdumbdumb.
12. Or maybe it … wasn’t. Really, I could go anywhere. Absolutely ANYWHERE.

This is, after all, Grand Central. Hell, I could go back to the airport, and get on a damn plane. I just gotta wait for the phone to charge up.

I don’t know anything anymore. I’m confused, hot, tired, and disturbingly unhungry. Total weight loss = about 35ish pounds… give or take six-ish; since January 2010. This is doing absolutely nothing but eating junk food and staring at the wall and staying up too late being addicted to songwriting contests.


PS. I think it’s about to get stressful for me, so if you are my friend and you stick by me you get special kisses and prizes for Christmas 🙂

By the way.

Nur Ein!

ps. the girl in the chair is just sleeping, and there is a creepy guy staring at me wondering why i am sitting on the floor. POWER OUTLET dude. Only one in the city, so you may SUCK IT! I paid a clerk four bucks for Apple Juice for this Valuable Information.
pps. The Jamaican. She was working in a bank with another guy who was Not from Jamaica. They looked familiar, both very attractive. I was happy, because I have a friend from Jamaica, so I immediately recognized her accent but didn’t want to say anything in case she was from Antigua or some other spot in the Carribean even though I’m sure the accent is probably completely different like people from different parts of the UK or Aussies and New Zealanders (which you know if you are married to Australian and your sister-in-law has married a kiwi and is spawning Identity Confused Children who are probably only sure of one thing and that is that they are Not American 🙂 )

ppps. Dude, I am so socially anxious.
pppps. Did you notice how there were NO people in the world about an hour and a half ago except for you reading this blog? Did you wonder where they had all gone? Well…

they were all in MY TRAIN car! That’s right.. The ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE PLANET EARTH had decided HEY!!! LET’S REALLY MESS UP THE XONDORIAN’S SENSE of EQUILLIBRIUM and give her the NEW YORK WELCOME and get a GALAXY OF FUN going on in this TRAIN CAR! So they did. And it did. And I did. And it was BAAAAAADDDD.

How I am going to get to Connecticut at this hour, I really don’t know. The last train has probably JUST left. If that is true, I am going to get the first hotel I see and fall into a bed in it. Why NO, I do not care if it is 500 dollars a night! (okay, yes I do). I will probably hit a cafe and find something that I can deal with. Either that or hook. No, I won’t do that. But I will figure something out. Because this has been a hell of a day and I REALLY need to sleep.

Den out.


Recital tomorrow, by the way. What the hell was I thinking? I should have just hit songfight and left well enough alone. Never take a last minute thing. Never ever. This is all really ill fated, I can smell it. And I’m going to write about it all, HERE.

[EDIT… later I didn’t. write. about it all. here. i did write though. lots.]


Funny bits in a Borrring Day…

Some Kind of Blue

1. Tis pancake time!!!
2. my tummy feels hurty and I’m a little sullen and blue. I want to make fun of some scrunchy faced blueberries I guess!!! Scrunch them with my fork!!
3. Thought about travel this morning and realized I have millions of flyer miles. I have a while to think about it. I could go to Paris, but do not know French. I have always wanted to go to the Far East. We NEED to go to Australia and New Zealand and tickets are free if I spend miles. It’s kind of a no brainer. But then I shall probably not go anywhere else as long as I live!
4. I am going to Songfight Live though… in 2012. Will make this regular now…
5. I get to play with VSTs all day!
6. that is not what she said.
7. when I do anything of merit I swear I’ll post it! this is starting to be a blog about nothing!!! Here is a fun photo to wash it down with.


It’s a cotton candy flavored lollipop from the other day. It was actually labeled “Mystery Flavor” – but I wonder … what is the NAME for people who dislike blue food? Because the thing with blue food seems to be a thing! And it’s just blue food… Not red or green or purple or orange or anything else!

Who knows these things?

ps. Mike said he’d play me some jazz today. His music picks have been hit-win all week 🙂

Some Kind of Blue

keep your friends close…

There are basic rules of living I would like to re-visit. To reiterate.

1. Keep your phone charged. Don’t lose your charger.
2. Don’t ever completely unpack. Be an ORGANIZED packer.
3. Don’t drink too much in strange places. Or if you do, try to remember the name of your hotel. Sheesh.
4. Don’t get lost in strange places. If you do, make sure you have someone with you. And GPS. Thank goodness for that!
5. Always carry gum or breath mints. Not for anybody else, but for yourself. This is so that when you are performing, you can have a Perfect Performance, and not one where you think at Any Time ‘gee, this would be a lot better if my breath didn’t smell like Tiny Onions from White Castle.’
6. Breathe deeply while travelling if prone to panic attacks. Your surroundings are not reality.
7. Do not take actions that are based upon panicky observations made while travelling.
8. Perfect friends last forever.

keep your friends close…

whinging is for winners!

What a mess I am!!

I am having a really good time, but I really do hate to travel during Happy Fun Approacheth Time.

I have all kinds of opinions on this subject. The appropriateness of its discussion.

I’ve been thinking a lot about appropriateness lately. Like how I’m not. I’m so over the top. So much I don’t know. I don’t get. I try too hard. I don’t try hard enough.

Oh whale, you know!! 🙂

Cookies crumbling and all that! You gotta laugh. I’m actually thinking about wearing a watch again. I own two. When I don’t wear a watch I tend to forget that time actually does go in forward motion.

All I can do, really, is try my best.. and rely on my winning smile to get me through the rough bits. (ha, ha)


– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

whinging is for winners!