Judger 

I took a coffee picture last Thursday and I was having a real moment with my morning cup… just a real super PASSIONATE and complicated THING that apparently was really tearing me up inside … I think I’ve been having an identity crisis.IMG_0135.JPG “I” reviewed a song contest this past weekend, except that *I* didn’t at all. It was Spintunes, and I went as one of my internet Alter Egos Cherry Pi (@CherryPiXXX). I always wanted her to judge/review–as a kind of lark; but I feel weird about it now.  

It was and has been a real experiment, to see if I could actually do and BE and act like a character with a life/”history” and preferences. And it was easier to be someone else in my body than I imagined it to be- avoiding responsibility for my opinions and squashing down transitory gut feelings. I was far less painstaking and instead allowed the reviews to be messy; visceral and random–drunken and with a ditzy tone of voice.. There basically had to be dancing bears and whipped cream in order to please this woman! 

Going on a second beach trip with family where I was a passenger sleeping on a couch did make it easier to be distractable. The first evening, the “Cherry Pi” character did reviews on the fly–loading up with cocktails and rapidly diminishing spelling skills; her companions  waiting impatiently for Actual Me to join them at the pool. While writing, I avoided right clicking spelling or doing re-read throughs and only kept asking REAL-me would Cherry like this song? or Would she have this opinion? It actually felt disingenuous, because there were a few instances when I did disagree with the “alter ago,” or when I was into an entry more than “I” would have normally been because Cherry gave me a freedom from my own “standards.” She isn’t tied down to a songwriting philosophy that things ought to be any particular way or that she needs to look deeper into “just not digging” something. She likes BS bang and whistle, she’s arbitrary about what turns her on, and there are different things she finds offensive and different musical bandwagons she hops on. For me, there were a couple times I might have ranked higher or criticized less/more but couldn’t because she would never. In one case, Cherry changed her opinion of an entry the day after reviews were due–shed ranked it quite low in fact; but it was too late. So the character is still forming. What I’m learning is that we can’t take any of this too seriously. And it’s happened to real me too; and I went back and read the reviews I wrote under my name the time I judged years ago and I don’t stand by all those decisions I made fully. It’s tough because your opinions change and your tastes evolve. Sometimes they devolve. It’s tricky.

So this has been an interesting game, but not one I’d repeat. I wish @suspiciousden had done the reviews instead.

So yes. Beach, twice in a row. This past weekend, I went with my “immediate” family. I guess you call them that because someone with screaming babies in front of their face looked at that family and maybe said ‘Gee. This family seems more immediate than my needing to write that thank you note …’ even though that is not a very Polite thing to say because you should always write thank you notes even when you are covered in Baby Spooo. Anyway, I don’t have a baby–so what do I know and what excuse do I have? 

So last weekend, it was my brothers and their families so they were all there playing with their little cousins. This time I went with some of my cousins and we are all grown up. They were good about the reviews. They were curious about what I was doing. They wondered just what it was exactly that I DO. I sort of did too. So I have a lot to think of, and do this week–mostly stuff that is distracting me, and hanging over my head. Things I committed to and are still wrapped around my brain pulling me off my path.

I’ll try to update again, In case anyone is reading this. I’m tired now.

scary-pants gnomes

Here is a post I wrote in the middle of the night upon my phone and I guess I thought ‘I should not upload this because I am asleep.’ I am glad that Sleepy Denise has some discretion. This is a Good Sign. I shall upload it now because Awake Me thinks differently and is amused. Also, here is a photo because my blog looks like mashed potatoes lately. It’s another frickkin gnome, I realize … a gnome in the snow from long ago … but I’m thinking that perhaps it might help me think of a Scary Song if I finish all my chores. I have not written a song at all in MANY MOONS since BatP finished L’Occitaine and so Fruuuuugh.

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1. am up in middle of night. Can form basic cave person sentences. Me apple, you bacon. We llama, you garden hose. Don’t order the artisan grits. Meow.
2. that didn’t mean anything.
3. I had a dream earlier tonight about 2 of my old friends arguing with me in a speedboat about the Internet and music and writing. I think it’s a sign. These were people from long ago, or from more pivotal times of ME when different decisions should have been made. And I know that the me I am now, inside, is a different me than the one people might assume they are dealing with.
4. I know that this is about me, getting my work done. I know I need to protect my own flow. I’ll work on this.

I have no idea what I was talking about.
Signed,
the Me of Today

ps. scandalous Cherry Pi did participotato with Dr. Lindyke in the first round. I’m not claiming much responsibility for this.

grumpholio

1. Results came out for Spintunes final. There was no way to predict that outcome. Can’t help but feel responsible for the “fails” (score-wise … the songs were great!) of my folks a bit, as everything I have touched in the last few years of contests I’ve participated in that has not been helped by a Psychotics intervention has died … as if I have bad contest-karma. Don’t know if I’ll do Nur Ein.
2. I won’t tell husband that. He’ll roll his eyes.
3. Am reworking the Hudson and Day Rd 1 entry for this go, and then will go back and do our first ever Rd 1 entry. Then I’ll get Alyssa to send another vox for ’97 and redo my drum part for the Takethisjobandshoveitsong.
4. Everyone liked the cheesecake I made. I’m getting fat.
5. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I dreamed of opera last night. These thoughts are surprisingly unrelated.
6. SXSW is almost over. I have more to say about that kind of thing and about social media and all kinds of things … but don’t know if I will. Yes, that was one of those Uppity Statements. #dramaticsigh
7. I washed my hair but I loathe this conditioner. New hair on the 27th. Try to remain calm.

2dust

henryblood
see note below on photo. mixed media of kitchen items. (cup, knife, icing container, food coloring)

I wrote a Spintune which I may or may not release on the evening of Sunday the 24th while waiting to finish up the Hudson and Day shadow track for Round 2, of Spintunes 8 – which is supposed to be about hatred and also we may not finish it but we don’t have to because it’s a shadow entry. That means that we’re not competing because we got eliminated because:

I had to update:
*Mavericks
*Cubase 7
*Pianoteq
*my Play software
*my Apogee drivers
*my midi interface
a bunch of other things I can’t remember

….also, the learning curve on Cubase 7(.5) from Cubase 5 is substantial. The upgrade process wiped out simple things like my keycommands and those sorts of things. My entire workflow that I’ve worked a few years of these contests getting used to had to be rebuilt from the ground up. I had to keep telling myself “no. You are not getting paid. This is Spintunes. If you are late or turn in a horrible entry, no one will explode. You will move on from this. And Alyssa is a cool cucumber. She can handle herself. You’ve sucked before and she’s been groovy about it.”

Alyssa is good because she’s fierce.

But this round, I don’t know if we’ll do it. We didn’t have a good go recording Round 1 because of that massive recording drama and there were also dramatic other things in my brain when I wanted to write a blog and talk about some of this stuff. I wanted to interact with my community and talk about some of the stuff that had been happening to me, but instead I ended up suspending my Facebook account.

It was a harrowing week for many reasons.

I say all of this because our character from Round One was kind of smacked around the head by the kind of relationship that leaves you in what I think of as the wounded 90s Alterna-Musician waif-mascara in the shower running down your face in your negligee sort of State. You can’t really hear sound waves around you and everything feels like bubble wrap. In a way, our song succeeded, because there were moments of Almost-Beauty stuck in between these WTF times. It might have been better as a companion to my ‘Verge of Tears,’ but way more extreme – like ‘Patient No. 7‘ but far sadder. I do that all the time, string the stories into character group-lets. So Round 1 and Round 2 could join this in sort of a Horrible Accident Suite. Who knows? I have cross-pollinated character stories across all my ensembles and solo work – I should make a mind map or something to keep it all organized.

Anyway, I think maybe 2.5 – 3 of the judges might have grokked us the last round. No matter. I think I expressed how I felt about the whole round just fine. I got over being embarrassed that computers don’t Do My Bidding. I consider myself awesome that I try to mount large scale productions when I could just as easily grab my iDevice and do a quick mix of the both of us or download some much easier editing tools. I’m trying to learn some heavy hitting software and really delving into some crazy midi editing and making the pianos and I’m trying to rebuild my tape machine now and there’s really no limit to the number of things I’ve got going on in this room. Not that I’m comparing to anyone/anything/anyCylon else, it’s just that I’m maximizing the opportunity and not going for the easy, lazy way out just because I know what I could do to make people like me. I’ve learned enough about these contests by now. I’ve been in them since 2009, 2010? Just to give myself a little thrill I entered a Songfight and I decided to get help on the mastering because I liked the song. I suck at mastering right now, so I figured that I’d do what I needed to do to let the song have breathing room and not shoot itself in the foot.

This is not to say I haven’t thrown myself into contests and been disappointed and not seen why things played out a certain way. I could write blogs and blogs about what happened during the Nur Ein Cold Comfort round. I probably will write about that particular bout of user error one day …… This Spintune, I am happy to report, was not user error.

Think of it. If I waited until the Contests Were Over to do upgrades to my computer, when would this happen?IMG_3694

Why do you think that none of my files are in order and I don’t have an album or a website?!?

I’ll NEVER be ready!

But I think of this little Waiting Song at least as kind of an answer to the first song that we did even though that song CLEARLY wasn’t ready. I pushed it through anyway. I don’t like to not hit the deadlines (<-what kind of GRAMMAR is this????!?!), particularly when other people are involved. But I/we weren’t able to get it across the way I wanted to. Alyssa’s first instincts about the melody were correct, and it was just a really long week waiting for me. But my goals for this contest are to get a Round 2 with more movement and push in it, and to re-do the Round 1 the way we want. This can happen anytime before the earth is destroyed really, as well as recording any other entries from the previous contest we did and when she guest-spotted on my first NurEin (including other sucky go’s we’ve had at any other songs we’ve done). I wanted to at LEAST re-record Round 1 to My Satisfaction by Monday Night’s listening party – and also get round 2 done. I had some other little things I wanted to do too. I’d told several people about a couple little Stupid Gems. I always strut big and don’t deliver, but I don’t care. People cope. Now I don’t even know if I’ll send in the little shadow I guess I did solo to amuse myself. It was really more to express myself and what we were doing and my recording and my feelings about these contests and etc. anyhow now I’m rambling trying to make a living and doing the best IIIIIII caaaaaannnnnnnn…

I really need to go to sleep. I actually heard that in the grocery store the other day. I’ve edited this entry several times.

Anyway … I think we’re on track. And if we’re not, we’re not on track in an on track type of way.

************************

*the photo is from a G+ post I made with a poem in it. I was feeling all macabre and the song I just wrote today did reminds me of that. It’s food coloring. I thought … perhaps this is upsetting for people or a provocative or violent image. But I’m going to leave it up because it beautiful and it is my blog. I live my life in a disclaimer-y fashion and I have to stop for a moment.

hit potential

hit potential

1. I’m getting to that point where I have to force myself to blog because I feel boring and idiotic and like I have nothing to say. Pity Parties are not constructive and you have to run screaming from anything that makes you feel that kind of negativity about yourself.
2. I have ruined myself with nasty self-talk before and it is debilitating and will throw you right into a depression that you have to claw your way out of. it’s not pretty.
3. I made a broody, enigmatic picture of myself being reflective and serious. It fed my moody need to be Dramatic and Cool and now I’m over myself and can make art.
4. Unfortunately, I had a big fat fail today, which I already complained (sort of) about on Twitter.I was going to record Invisible Girl which is a song I wrote for Spintunes 1 Round 1; in honor of Spintunes 7.

(It is not about Sue Storm orArrested Development).

I didn’t get to do this because of battery failure. That’s my own fault. I felt really awful and like the universe was conspiring against me. It was then that I really had to sit down and take a look at where I’d come from and where I planned to go. It’s really time to sit down with a list of things to do and do the things on it. It’s not supposed to be this big a deal, but I suppose the more I brow beat the less loved I feel so I am going to have a cookie or something.

5. I think it’s gonna be okay though, because my brother and my niece and nephew and sister in law are coming and if anything can put a little perspective back in your life it’s family time and birthdays. And cookies or pie or something Nice.

7. By the way, I kick ass because that’s my free Theremin shirt.
8. Number Seven is dedicated to classiness and restraint. In honor of my personal diary, which is red, black, bleedy, and covered in Large Words that Say Big Things of Great Import and will be let out in Appropriate Form in Due Time.

Next will be a poem.
Have a nice day 🙂

ps. I don’t know why this published a previous version of the blog. I forgot half the editty-bits. Yeep!

update-y mcFreak post.

1. I have been selected to participotato in a not really all that secret Thing. It’s like a compilation album. I am sure that my friend Brigitte London, a musician of the Outlaw Country persuasion, selected me because of my cleverness and ninja abilities, and not because of my glittering resume (even though I’m kinda-shiny-sometimes-aly). Nonetheless, I will endeavor to send them a somewhat bitchin’ track (this will be easy because I have been in song contests and especially songfighting – and My New Peers have been growling and insulting my work on a weekly basis so I am not worried about crumbling under professional scrutiny). It has just been a matter of which track. I have asked a few people, not too many, and have narrowed it down and (most likely) chosen one.
2. I am a little worried about my bio, although I sent it to my bud Jules and she said I look fine and gave me helpful hints. I will probably not tell dirty jokes in the bio, for example or mention @suspiciousden’s Dailybooth … so Jules is a good person to ask about these things because she knows how to bottle the creepy factor when need be (I’m sure she is enjoying this blog) … As far as where on earth these extremely well organized and professional people are going to be able to find me on the interwebs, since I am all over it like a bad rash, I may whine a little more:
3. Go to http://www.denisehudson.com. Go ahead. There’s nothing there, is there? Well, that’s pretty sad, isn’t it. This is because I have the internet aptitude of a three year old. This is why you are currently reading this poorly designed wordpress content here and not in a zippier, sexy location of my choosing – with mood lighting and incense and dancing boys and chocolate and internet squirrels bringing you virtual Courvoisier.

my website will be this smooth and fly. like Griffpig. The World’s Coolest Sunglasses.

But I am going to attempt to rectify this situation like RIGHT NOW since I own the place, meaning my name. I refused to Sell to Worthier Denise-s, no indeed – not at Any Price. But sadly, I know NADA-NADA-Enchalaladada about such things.
4. But I can do it because I have many, many brain cells. Together they make AN ENTIRE BRAIN. So guess what goblins… I’m going to USE that brain to MAKE WEB HISTORY. And just LOOK OUT!!! Blogathon is NEXT MONTH! You know it!
5. However, I will probably be whining a LOT because we are also MOVING houses during this time when I suddenly have to make it seem like I have been an active member of the music community and not like I have just been sitting on my tuckus producing content.
6. Yes, I know I can use a Psychotics track for this compilation. Duh…..I should have gone as a Psychotic for Nur Ein, and for Halloween. We all know this. Flarg. This is HIGH on my list of consideration, seeing as this is my most Awesomeist of material and will Blend Best. Stay Tuna-ed.

I can’t even think anymore and there is pizza to be had. I will probably make an exciting google plus list later, and stalk the rest of the Honeys maniacally across the internet, becoming ever more intimidated with each passing click. I know that this is not The Point of camaraderie and fellowship and internet collaboration and that living in a tiny cave practicing my scales should come to an end. This will be good for me. I am an Upwardly Mobile Producer of Content and Country Musicians everywhere want me to go to their Barn Dances even though I came from the planet of Xondor. Yee-haw, y’all.

HAPPY V-DAY: Confessions -a list

1. It’s Valentines Day. It’s tempting to be angry.
2. I am married to a wonderful man and he makes me very happy and very disgusted and very angry and we have been together for over 13 years. That’s a long time.
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3. Thirteen is a really unlucky number. This is what my songwriting partner of Billy and the Psychotics and I have agreed upon. We have not written a song in three rounds. This makes me (and I think him) really sort of blue – but we don’t have time for that: me because I’m behind on so much stuff including exciting things for other people. I don’t have any business mooning over music which has been making me happy and thrilling my soul because it’s easy to write and rocks in five minutes or less. We will be back to it when the list scrolls back to the top. At the end of this day and especially the end of this week things are going to get a lot easier for me.
4. All of my silliness this year has messed up my other music making because I have actually sat in front of other open projects and thought through the thousands of other upsetting things that could go wrong interpersonally JUST LIKE what has previously happened to me and so have shut down my software and lain down to do nothing or watch stupid YouTube videos of seventeen people playing one accordion or whatever. Because I am sure that disaster of epic proportion is lurking around every corner. You have to be a pretty big screw-up to flitz out of as many situations as I have. I’m having to add other limbs to count the mistakes that Have Been Made 😦 yeah, it increases my songwriting opps. So what?! Yes, I’ve written MANY tunes and made them into Cryptic Relationship Numbers too. Whatevermonkey……
5. Although 13 is an unlucky number, I know that Mike and I can make it through because we have done it before. That doesn’t mean that people who don’t and can’t aren’t as good as us or that if we don’t for some reason that we aren’t as good as them. I hope we will always be as close as we are now. Mike is the best man that I know, that’s for sure.
6. I cried a lot in the Spintunes listening party last night. I know other people understood the emotionality of some of that – and I appreciate that.
7. I’m especially glad for a couple of my friends right now and Am trying to pull myself out of this rut quickly so I can work.
8. Tonight we are having a very romantic dinner with my stepfather and my brother and sister in law and we are going to watch funny Internet videos and be glad to be in one another’s company and that we are happy and have a good family that survives and loves each other.

I should also call my father, simply because he is my dad; and it’s Valentine’s Day…

8. I’ve taken a lot of hits over the past year and yes, it’s true; almost died of a broken hearty-depression thing. I know that sounds really Lady-of-Cooking-Onions… But I DID lose over thirty pounds and languish in secret while having to pretend everything was Peachy-Keen-Jellybean and this suited the whole situation to a Capitol T, actually; allowing it to flourish and run amok. I still am a polite creature and wormholes will unravel if I get into things. Sometimes the best way to show love is to walk the earth appearing as though you are a silly, easy-to-Snow Ninny-of-a-Chit. It may kill to think of folks sauntering around laughing at your “ignorance” and fist bumping in the air at the nefarious things that can be accomplished behind a back as STUPID as yours (yours-being-mine); but you let it happen knowing the whole time who and what you’re dealing with … and you do this out of love. For if the deflation of a poofy ego is going to beef up my self worth for the space of an afternoon but not really do much good in the long run…who cares? What good is that? Doesn’t good prevail in the end anyway? Isn’t karma, queen … when you get down to tass bracks?

This is probably why I married who I did. Because Mike and I have been dealing with “who ME?!?!?!?!……..{cute simpering eyelash bat}” people for as long as we’ve known one another and can Spot the Fake from Lands Away.

So our stories ARE complicated but really they are about dying friendships and having to give up the luxury of our naïveté. It’s sad to be so wrong about myself and the effect I have on people and how my music in particular effects people and the Way Things Work. And I know Mike has felt this way about his own efforts with people before. It’s sad to want to give up. But both he and I are not give-up-py people.

I talked to Mike about this last night and I got a bit snuffaluffuguffy. I think I will always be sensitive and I will always be a dumb little Xondorian who is prone to getting her hair dyed pink and who finds out about reality at the last second. Far too late. WAY after everyone else does.

If this makes me stupid, so be it. I know that I still have a tendency to love and to care too much and to buy into things and to Over-Hope and that I’ll probably cry again. Lots. I’ll cry about this for a long time.

I over invest and I over share and I over hope. I’m not independent and I’m not all that strong and I need lots of help.

But I survive after being burned each and every time.

I INVENTED that $#%^

And really, I am a glass half exploded person. I have love, and I have support. People are catching on, and bothering, and getting it. I just don’t choose to see it because it is risky and I don’t want to lose it if I believe it. I think if I relax into genuine admiration and something that is nice that it will vanish! And then … hurt. I see a comparable career I like and I start to make strides toward it and I second guess every step I make in the right direction. There has to be some OTHER reason for the success. Because I’m damaged. It can’t just be because I’ve worked hard and am a professional. And I can’t live like this anymore. Too much drama….I’m getting too old for this fomtroolery……

Perhaps I shall travel again; and meet some of my new fans some day. Then after I have met these four to eight mysterious people, I shall go home and make mac-n-cheese. Haha. Just kidding, of course!

I am very grateful for them. I am thinking that in the next couple years that I WILL start playing again. It may be start-stop once again, like always. I may meet another person who overwhelms me and promises help and friendship and to take the burdens away only to become dependent upon them and only to have them leave me with pieces left undone and questions about what I do next left unanswered in my mind. But this happens to me and honestly it is part of my artistic process; I’ve come to understand. A cycle of need, cooperation, indulgence, over-involvement, light-betrayal, and then separation. And the I dramatize things (or am painted as doing such!) and go on alone.

Then, years later, when I am free, the past comes back to knock upon my door. And of course I don’t recognize it. I smell it and it’s been marked by its own oddness so I cannot let it in. That’s how things work. All I can do is try my best to be gracious because I truly do not understand how some people actually believe that time stops in rooms that are left in the past behind shut doors – as if animation suspends in a vintage past like an instagram photo…..

I am thankful for my husband, and not afraid or ashamed of the chances we have taken or the honesty we have experienced or the trust we’ve put in one another. It’s been rewarded. When most others have turned away, it’s been rewarded. And he tells me who knows? things could work out for me and we could still succeed despite our wildest expectations at all we want to do!!!

We are VERY lucky that we drink good coffee.

#damnthisblogisemo …..

Random Frivolities

1. It’s late. I shouldn’t be up. But I am. My room is a mess. I have on a fetching ankle bracelet though. This does not help the lateness of the hour. I should also not be wearing a bracelet on the same arm as my new wrist tattoo. What the hell is wrong with me?!
2. This is called an “interrobang”

?!

I am still getting a kick out of that so I’m still going to keep telling y’all what it is called. You have to get your jollies wherever you can!
3. I’m singing choruses on a Spintunes Rap Round song. I’m pretty stoked. I’m also stokedReallystoked with our (BLT and the Psychotics) songfight song this round. I think we’re gonna be a Thing. Yep.
4. I forgot to take my medicine this morning. Crap.
5. I hope that when I have a dream tonight, I will dream about being fast, whispy, and elfin
6. I should not have had that doubleshot espresso coffee starbucksy thingy today. bad-move, wolf-ette.
7. I have on a poison-ring, which doesn’t have poison in it. I’m not hiding anything secret-y in there either.
8. My special necklace that my sister-in-law made that I have that I can put little things in with the Skull Bead and the rock from Chopin’s grave in it and some grass I got on one of my special trips last year (and I think another rock) – the beads broke on it. They need to be fixed.

I can’t think of anything else but to say GO TO BED, SELF!

EEEEK!

ps. I am going to ATXBlogathon on Oct 1 … which is DENISE NEW YEAR!!!!! I booked TODAY!!! YIPPEE SKIPIEE!!!!!

Things To Do…

1. quit freaking out.
2. get off the fahlookin’ interwebs.
3. packitty-pack-pack-pack.
4. figure out how to PLAY the pianooooo…
5. finish CLEANING my ROOM
6. do some more editing.
7. sign up Donutworthy and Hudson and Day for Spintunes.
8. eat something besides a cupcake.
9. listen to some songfight songs that I’m behind on, and start reviewing and voting on them. I’m not in this one, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go listen. 🙂
10. finish cleaning my room.
11. finish packing.
12. more editing.
13. write a long email to various band members with detailed spintuna instructions.
14. carefully pack stunning array of portable recording equipment.
15. quit freaking out.
16. finish uploading old files onto stupid dumb mobile me which is stupid and dumb and hates me, so that spintunes doesn’t get ruined because my cylon decides to do the naked dance of death on my twitching, protesting complainer of a corporeal excuse for a songwriterform … making me have to send Joe panicky emails screaming WHY GOD!!!??? WHY!!?!?!? I have NO IDEA how I’m going to BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…. particularly as I will be in New York and not home with people with Engineering Prowess to Bail Me Out. Not till the weekend, anyway.
etc…..
17. oh crap. i’m getting on a plane tomorrow….

… i don’t like to fly. :O…… usually i only get on planes if I’ve got a REALLY good reason. eeek!

so lucky

I feel lucky today, or blessed, or whatever.

I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have any problems. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have a very confusing life. Sometimes I feel really lost sometimes.

Mike and I don’t celebrate valentines day. We’re probably just going to make pasta and watch TV. We used to throw parties and do things with and/or for our single friends. We tried to celebrate once or twice. We are not a traditionally “romantic” couple. We had a couple of years of that sort of thing. You change over the years, if you are in a very long term relationship with someone. I am not sure what we will be like eight years from now, which will be the twentieth year of marriage. It’s a strange thought. I hope I’ll have more substantial, real world asset to bring to the table. I feel like maybe I will.

I feel thankful today.

We keep a lot of secrets, him and I. Other people’s and our own. He’s got his own things that he does and I don’t pry. We have mutual respect for one another. He supports my pursuit of success in this “thing” I’m trying to do – whatever it turns out to be. I am slowly piecing it together. It looks and evolves differently every day.

The word evolve has love in it. It’s hard NOT to notice this when you are typing that.

I have not been focusing on my own solo things much lately. I need to make some changes in that vein. But this does not bother me that much. And there are many reasons for this.

1. I have been Not Well, and am only now starting to emerge from it.
2. I have to continue to take things slowly
3. I am going to have to build back up to where I was on a lot of my material, especially the piano
4. I’m going to have to reconstruct contacts and a lot of my fanbase, especially the real people fanbase.
5. Honestly, I’ve been trying to make Duality stick, because I need it to work.

Why do I need this to work? Is this a question that I am supposed to answer? Is it anyone’s business? Is it even MY business? What is the difference between the work that we’re doing and what my own stuff looks like? What’s the difference between one of his tracks, one of my tracks and a Duality track? What’s the difference between the two of us? What are we making? Is it worth saving? Is it worth growing?

The tracks we seem to like the most, that resonate the most; are the ones that other people have the least amount of feeling for. Or that have been criticized the most in the contests. Things that have been debated around a bit. Maybe this has been time constraints. Production. This sounds familiar to me because of how my first Spintunes contest went. The one where I fizzed out in the third round.

I think maybe this is not just a Duality thing, but this is something that affected Joe because of me. This routinely happens to me a lot, because I often like tracks that are not understood by others. I was talking to a friend in our artificion community tonight and told her that I had 4 strong songs, no make that five with Joe. I really think it might be more like seven if you count Duality in there. But those aren’t necessarily my favorite.

I really like the instrumentals that I do and that is what I wanted to do when I was young. I wanted to compose. Conduct. Control orchestras. Make them do what I wanted. I see extras on movie box sets, the soundtrack portions; and I get jealous. I think that should be me up there, doing that… if these series of stupid things hadn’t happened… it so WOULD have been…

Anyway …
‘Triangle.’ Would that have been a Denise Hudson track with a sampled guitar (ft. Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb)? No. I wouldn’t have put it out that way. We have other stuff coming up that might be things we do ourselves that we’d use each other on. I used Joe on my taco track (he didn’t like it) … but he didn’t even HEAR ‘Triangle’ until the listening party – I arranged the entire thing. Methodology-wise, very much a Denise-Hudson track. But it went to Duality, because of the way that he put together his guitar track, completely experimental, not done “correctly” recorded from far-away, with a new amplifier … just a jam, with a pick..

I am not sure what makes something a Duality track except that I feel that we have a mission. It’s a place to do things we can’t do alone. We are talking about freedom, and love, and fear, and sadness … we want to hit things that one would normally avoid, perhaps. We go on a bit too long. We are a bit too epic or soaring or lengthy. Saying things that are a little uncomfortable. The lyrics are a bit too abstract. Or they cut right through. I dunno. There is no chorus. Other comments about some of the silly things that we’ve done… but everything smooshes together somehow – sometimes by accident – in purpose. It’s weird.

I don’t know that I’ll ever write a story of a song about any of our tunes. I might about ‘Triangle’ just because it is so interesting and I was so sad and it helped so, so much. I know I will probably revamp ‘St. Andrews.’ I may work really hard one day to pull out a perfect performance of ‘End of the World.’ I am already doing these types of things for ‘Invisible Girl’ and I’m trying to learn a live version of ‘Duality Cupcake.’

That is all I have to say.