Nice Snazzy Blog Post Title

1. My teeth are fuzzy and my brain is flopsy because I fell asleeping in the Granny couch
2. I have a Ferocious headache. It has a persnickety attitude and a foul temper and has sharp, pointy teeth like a deranged walrus. rarrrr.
3. So, two years ago was the Song Fu release of ‘Something Very Horrible (Bluebeard’s Lament)‘ This was probably the birth of Duality237 – a project with Joe “Covenant” Lamb which made a lot of really pretty songs. When I realized that today because I pay attention to silly things like when I put which songs out and when certain Song Characters and Internet Personalities and Identities of mine have birthdays well … I felt old.
4. When I go to bed, I am not checking for gray hairs.
5. How do we spell gray anyway? Is it ‘gray’ or ‘grey?’ Do we get to pick? Is it the one choice that we actually HAVE in the English language?
6. Facebook keeps crashing, so I cannot “like” anything at all… Boo to this. Boo. Here is a tiny list of things that I would “like”
-My friend Manhattan Glutton won this week’s Song Fight. Yes we took a photo in New York drinking Manhattans. We look silly.
-My new hilarious friend from someplace in the middle of England is writing a Soap Operatic Fish Saga. It will continue tomorrow. Right now there has been a dastardly deed done. I would love to share and link the fishsticks out of this somehow. It is not yet Available to the Public, no, but only to the trusted Few. I will Tell the minute it is on the shelves for consumption.
-oh. apparently I am allowed to “likepianoteq. This confirms and validates my choice that the piano I made for An Extremely Late project I am Woefully behind on needs to just be done with and I don’t need to redo it.
7. Why would the cat scratch the sofa RIGHT in front of me as if I don’t know what’s going on?!? I wasn’t born yesterday!!
8. In conclusion, this is a picture of the Fun Snake Shoes, one of which broke under the sheer tension of its awesomeness. I took it in the old house. I need to get them fixed so I can try to break my neck again. Why yes, I am aware that these are the most frivolous shoes in the galaxy. No, my blogtatistic friendstrels, I do not feel inclined to care if I have a predilection for Silly Footwear!
9. I went out for dinner with my Dad at the Grove tonight (well, last night). That was nice. We had wine and cheese and tiny sandwiches. I am behind on like three food reviews. This is difficult because I don’t necesscelery want this to become a Food Blog. But if that’s what happens oh whale, right?
10. Good Greasy Griefazoids I’m sleepsy. This is probably because it is Bologna O’Clock in the morning. Zounds. Ack. flib. Monge. Flarg.
11. I totally had to add a number eleven to this blog post, and a title before that. My cut and paste left out half the entry, including the picture. But I think it looks nicer with this litte disclamatory on the end, don’t you?

Professionalism Approaches Slowly From the North.

1. I am a nervous little thing, and I think I always will be. you have to know that if you are dealing with me. i flit.
2. wouldn’t it be awful if Ken Plume pulled another “maayybe I’ll do SongFuhmmmmm?” thing again since there’s fights and nur ein and cycle and an approaching spin? 🙂 what would den do!!?
3. I am VERY excited about Nur Ein and am frankly really getting into this songfight stuff. There’s a lot of contestants for ‘Beaten Man’ this time (I am not one of them).. and I’m hoping they’ll put the next title up soon even though I have stupid amounts of stuff to do.
4. I’ve been physically ill because of different meds that I’m on now. I still don’t know how I feel about all this change and trying to be “more professional” on here. I don’t talk about this blog much on Facebook for a reason. I think seeing numbers creeping up on it is making me greedy – when that is not what it is for. If the numbers come up, fine. If they don’t fine. I’m a musician. I need to keep working. I think I am just confused.
5. My piano is coming back soon, but I don’t know when.
6. I’m doing archiving right now, while also writing lyrics. I think I’m dawdling because my voice doesn’t want to work. luckily I can do a lot of music from this chair.

Just because you’re paranoid / don’t mean @Hodgman’s not after you…

1. I have had a Hell of a Week…
2. There have been a few people who have really helped me.
3. Things at home are doing okay.
4. My relationships that are closest to me, you know… like my marraige and stuff, are doing well and we’re communicating and all that good stuff.
5. Me and Randall are doing pretty well and I’m starting to get the house done. The deadline for the studio and the house being sorted out by my birthday is looking feasible.
6. Things in Duality are doing well and Joe and I are running a pretty tight ship. He is helping me and is VERY understanding…
7. I have good friends who care, both offline AND especially right now Online… and a GREAT online community that I’m part of…

All this is good right now, because:
8. Things inside Denise are NOT doing okay. My body is trying to destroy itself from the inside out, and if it has its way it will do its fair well best to ruin all the good things I have built.
9. My medicine has reached epic proportions of stupidity. Right now I have this ridicu-rash that makes me feel like some kind of leprous mutant.
10. I am also hallucinating slightly. I didn’t want to say this because it makes me sound a little insane… but:

11. I am afraid that I am going to get on a blog, or on Twitter, or on some other thing, and say something insane, like that the aliens have invaded, or that my husband is a zombie, or that Joe and I are going to go to the capitol and take over the government because we have just written a song about international sandwich spread that is going to change the nation even though he is not an American citizen, or that my feet have turned purple, or that Randall has invented an edible microphone and while I was sleeping he’s installed it in my stomach so that I am afraid to eat anything… or some paranoid crap like that.

See how insane I sound?!

This is why I decided to get off Twitter until I had gotten it “All Done.”

But I don’t know that isolation is necesscelery the best thing for me. Or minding my Ps and Qs as the Successful Musicians that I have Come to Admire do.

I think that what I will do is just continue to behave poorly as I do and hope that my insanity will continue to entertain.

I had an artifiction list that I didn’t post and was going to put in my NaNoWriMo project. I think I’ll release it. Rather than deleting my artifiction account, as I was thinking of doing earlier because I thought that it was being monitored and people were going to read my lists and bring Trouble to the Site.

This is about how it was when I got so freaky that I had to skip the moleman round of Song Fu Five because John Hodgman was on TV and commericals and other stuff all week and I thought he was stalking me mentally and I got very paranoid. So I did these vuh-blogs about how it was all a conspiracy and a sign and stuff and decided it would be better to avoid the whole thing.

Later I wrote the Beatrice Knifetongue song; but I was convinced that he was on some radio brain frequency trying to influence my decisions, because I had written my customary six or seven songs! It’s hard when you think celebrities are stalking you. I hope that a real celebrity NEVER stalks me because I am actually crazy and they so actually could probably succeed at doing it and no one would ever believe my protestations because my paranoia is well known!

See how silly it all is?

Ack,
Denise

Drama Free and Lucky Charms

For me, the idea of “drama free” began in a poem which I wrote back in 2006. I discarded it because I grew out of the reasons for writing it.

Later on it came back up and combined with a new reason for writing it. It became a song then, about leaving and coming into my own. It was about something I went through religiously.

I may someday make a ‘story of a song’ over it. I feel like Graham gets it, because he covered it. I feel like Joe gets it, because he is talking about it and remembering it, and it sticks in his mind as something that belonged to me. I feel sometimes like other people get me. Oftentimes, I feel like people … don’t.

EX: raise your hand if you knew that I had never heard of Sue Storm until AFTER the Round One listening party?

This means I should write a Round One story of a song, and I probably will. There’s some golden eggs in there – some intended specifically for Travis Langworthy, but it’s a little silly joke that I was telling. It’s also a very STUPID joke and a pretentious joke that is very much MY sense of humor!!!

Anyway, some people get my little “off” sense of humor and what I’m trying to do. And it’s nice to have any audience among my peers. some people that know that I’m always trying to do something transformative which is about what the lyrics are attempting to reveal about me. And that I’m trying to do it in this particular way. And that when I listen to people too much and try to change what I’m doing into what they think I should be, that it will never work for me.

I can’t really sacrifice what I have to say for audience, for money … for anything. I’m just going to have to find another way.

As a songwriter, I am a diarist. I can only write what I know. I only know – me.

Part of me has learned from these competitions that I’m not really cut out for them. I’m not like Edric, who writes a song that he is told to write, and does it brilliantly. I go through painful transformative cataclysms until it is done. I am not the master of the song, it is the master of me. I invited who I THOUGHT the judges were into the bedroom this time, and then hit on them in a tawdry and clumsy way … then I got REJECTED. Like in an embarassing way. Like I staged this whole cheezy scene. Thinking I was all… beautiful or something and … well … shoulda known better.

It’s a horrible metaphor and doesn’t really fit. But I feel dirty and gross. Nothing worse that raping your own self. That’s just dumb. And I realize that for a piece of something awful, my tune is actually pretty skilled, compared to a lot of things. But this is why everyone is always feeling very sorry for Brittney Spears. She’s not a bad performer, but she keeps shaving her head and gaining and losing weight and flashing her yow-yow every which way.

So my tune was an abberation in a lot of ways. Albiet classier. It’s hard for me to embarass myself. It’s something slutty that I did. And I think that I hate it. I’m ashamed of it. I’m glad that it put me out. Just like I’m glad that my first song in Song Fu six, ‘Rain’ did enough damage to my total score to knock me out of a shot into the Final Round. Because in THAT case, I listened to what someone else told me to do. They told me that my instincts weren’t good enough – and that I had to start all over and please someone else.

I know that I’ll be told that I’m being too hard on myself. I don’t care. This is all just rehearsal for me. I’m doing this now so that I won’t have to do it more painfully later. I don’t think for a second this is it for me. I’ve been saying this since I was 16.

Anyway, with these thoughts, I’ll show you the poem I wrote so long ago. It’s called Lucky Charm

LUCKY CHARM

I said I love you and you said it back
You’re the only one
who’d complicate
so simple a clean fact

You’re my lucky charm
pulled from the lion’s mouth
with tiny little hands
You made me look so obvious
infants could understand
You were the one who babysat
me through the evening

So now you’ll stay
alone with you
Because I have to
Leave in company with me
the only way you’ll be okay is
Drama free and naturally
you’ll rue the day

And I don’t know
what on earth we’d do
In this flimsy house of cards
without you!

******

I did like the phrase enough to use ‘drama free’ for a hook later in a song.

I don’t know that you can copyright a phrase for a hook. I’m not popular enough to really be remembered enough for doing something cool or clever. But I was at least memorable enough to get covered, and brought up in the memory of a judge when a really cool phrase which I also discovered long ago once got brought up once again.

I wonder if anyone else has also discovered it.

🙂

ack!

I am going to try to get more in touch with “The Austin Thing.”

That is what I call it. Randall talks about things that are going on all the time, as though I would just know them.

I do not, because I am a hermit. I am Out of The Loop. I do not think he realizes how much I rely on him for connectivity. I’m sure he would be fine with it though. He’s good like that. He likes to be helpful. I suppose this is why he is a good engineer. At his best, I think he is a scary engineer. This is why I need to be home-centric now. He’s probably the reason I got things done in SongFu, a couple of those close times. He’s EERILY talented.

I’m going to write about song contests though, and the “internet” thing (as I’ve also been calling it); soon, soon! Because I think that I’ve been doing the right thing with myself all along.

I don’t really know what “New Model Musician” means. Not totally. Not entirely. I could look it up in the dictionary or on the web. There’s already a label with the name, and DFTBA (the label whose forums are hosting the transplants from Too Much Awesome, the web community which my Song Fu co-competitors Mike Lombardo
(he’s got a CD out, folks… Kevin wants you to knowthis …)

BY THE WAY. SAMMY MAKES THESE VIDEOS.

and Jeff MacDougall (by the way, nice slogan! 😉 ..) founded on ning (ack!) – they absorbed the TMA community after ning went kinda “corporate.” There’s different facets to that story, but it’s nice that the people continue.

I really am glad of the Spintown blog, because right now, that’s the contest that is piquing my interest. For a while I was doing Nur Ein (I made it into 4 (which really means 5 because of Round Zero (which I blew on so don’t listen without listening to the rest of me!) rounds before I got sick … That doesn’t mean that I won’t do Songfight ever, which is where they were forum-ing about nur ein.

I have lots of ideas, of course.

For now I will finish my list. You know … at the other place. And then do some other stuff. Yeah. 🙂

contests and cutting

There’s a new contest. You’ll hear more about this because I’m really excited.

There’s been some talk lately, in my life. I was thinking about stopping contests. Like maybe they weren’t good for me. I went through this a while ago, with piano practicing.

I practice a lot. A LOT of superfluous piano. I do a LOT of “superfluous” things that don’t really “do me any good.” I do a lot of “time wasting” things. And I kind of cast about, adrift.

This has been about a year of that.

And yet, I’ve had more growth and more happiness in the last year or so that I ever would have believed possible.

I’ve also been more ALONE than I would have believed possible – even in community.

And by alone, I don’t mean lonely. I mean alone as in, get it together, girl. I mean alone as in pushed to the front of the stage out of costume. Naked, sometimes. Totally in the wrong kind of show. I’m not that sort of performer.

And I do need to get it together. Make some hard realizations.

Late Night Listage

1. My husband said “you should just use your Song Fu photo for Nur Ein.” I just went with it. I don’t know… whatever monkey. I’m thinking it’s a good idea. I’m also thinking it’s silly to worry too much about that crap. I went through a LOT of photos of me looking for that and ended up going for the one that I used before. I’ll probably delete some of the superfluous photos that I don’t need to save space.
2. Things turn on a dime, and I’m pretty sick of it.
3. I need to just get through the next couple of weeks. Cleanly and cool-y.
4. I’m ready to start spending more time on stuff, in general. I mean on the music. There’s been a lot of rush-job.
5. I am feeling kind of hollowed out inside, lately. A little sad. I think I miss Song Fu. When it was going on, I think I was more excited about stuff. I have to find something that does that for me in the same way- because it’s not going to be there for me and I can’t rely on it to ever be restarted. I’m hoping that I get into Nur Ein like that, but at this point I’m just reactionarily, writing songs …
6. At some point, some day … I’m going to figure out a way to get my point across. But not this day I think. Not this month, probably not this year or even this decade. Maybe not this life. Maybe I am just tootoo weird. Maybe I just can’t find my way out of my head. Maybe I’m not good at sharing.

Maybe I’m defective and not fixable.
6. Ack.

veryveryalone-stuff.

I am about to clean my house and cut a song. I will be doing both these things at the same time. It is like a cathartic thing. The song needs to be done by tomorrow. I am hoping to have things substantially nice around here by the time we go out of town. We’re going to a major cigar event and I’d like to have my other blog out of obscurity and up and running, as well as the twittering I never really do from my cigar-related place. That’s a part of my life I haven’t been able to relax into, and it feeds a social part of me that I’ve really been ignoring. The going to Ruta Maya/Habana House part and writing a review. I used to multi-task a lot better than this. I used to not be so bogged down in work that I couldn’t really follow through on and finish.

It’s all about lists, I think. And mine has gotten away from me too fast, and too big. I want to do everything, and in order to do that, you need a lot of help. I am not a big enough person to tackle all of that in the right order; to know how to do it. So I need to stick to my original plan, and remember why I do the things I do in the first place. Luckily I am a pack rat, and I remember exactly where I put the last bookmark. It’s like I imagine a sewing or knitting mistake to be. Unravelling something. I don’t really know, but it seems both tedious and rewarding at the same go. It’s conducive to getting me back into being happy alone and oblivious.

Any interest I got from people (small though it was) really shocked the hell out of me. It’s shocked me both online and locally with people who become my friends. I don’t do compliments well, although I crave them as I crave love and attention (even though I fear it and need my solitude). If I could shield myself from all people somehow (AND still get the exposure needed to grow a profitable music career that would sustain me and my family + allow me to practice and create + be desirable as a collaborator); if I could be veryAlone and not get lonely … if I could pick and choose my times and not alienate …

well, that would be selfish, wouldn’t it? Yes. Selfish. But I am a selfish creature. I love the humans but I do not play well with them and I like my cave and I sit in it and I want to be veryvery alone. But it’s LONELY there. So I am always Not Okay. Unless I am at the piano. Then I do not think of anything. Everything dissipates. And my attention is caught again if something is shined at me (usually a discussion of something I love. like a piano. or something related to this thing I love).

I think about this online endeavour and my goals for it. I never do anything without thought for how it fits into what I do musically. I’ve always been goal oriented, I used to be this way about writing, now it’s wrapped up into the both things. But online is awkward for me. I met my husband online, yes, so I’m not incredulous about it.

But it is so much easier to be whoever you want (or not) online. It’s made it easier for me to hide myself away. I can really focus on being the queen-bee of vague. I did it in Song Fu rather well. Song Fu is really a personal story of what I went through physically as a woman, dealing with songwriting challenges and personal feelings about coming out of one mental transition into another. Moving from one group of persons to another. Hopes and dreams and fears and feelings. I put it all on the line. And now it’s time for me to make another “album” of sorts where I start revealing other things. Or maybe mixing the things I reveal with a more streamlined, professional approach into the working process.

We’ll see how that goes. I already know that it sounds very … different in my head and I have already started bringing in characters who are not me to supplement my experiences in the songs. So if you start hearing far-fetched things in my music … now you will know – why.

And at this point, after the rain-stormy horrible-but-wonderful mistakes I made in this me-scented-charade…. why wouldn’t I?

the writing process (‘It’s Complicated’) / My Fu II

I’m writing lyrics right now.

It’s hard not to put yourself into the lyrics.

It’s also hard not to overstate the point. It’s hard not to become another character. It’s hard to keep on task.

There’s times when you write lyrics because you HAVE a task. I wrote lyrics for a song I was doing for a friend because I whimsically and off-the-cuff told her I’d write her a song comprised entirely of limericks. She was doing this thing for lent and … well, it’s not my story to tell … but I wrote her a song.

Anyhow, there’s also times when you write lyrics because you are inspired by something else, and then you meander away because you enter a world of fantasy. This is probably true of most of my stuff. Words don’t rhyme right. You’re not in an appropriate situation to keep on with an interesting idea. Perhaps you want to write a song about adultery and you are not keen on cheating that day. Maybe take it even further? You are not a pairs skating Olympian and you don’t have a hankerin’ for murder? Well, let the lyrics fly. Songwriting is YOUR business! Then go home and wait for the fun questions (which I hate) to come rolling in:

-What was THAT???!!!
-Who was THAT about???
-Are you thinking about MURDERING your HUSBAND?
-Do you wanna cheat on your husband (sure! Don’t you know? We ALL DO!!!…. or DO WE????)?
-is there something you wanna talk about?

dah, dah, dah … on-and-on.

And sometimes, the songs ARE about people. or places. or things. or about more than one person, place, or thing. Sometimes they’re songs about me. People, places, or things INSIDE me that live in a cast of characters in my mind.

I wrote a cheating song, ‘Daylight,’ and it’s a whole spun out cheating song about two made up characters I wrote about in my mind on a hot day when I was super-bored. Texas is STUPID hot in the summer and I was bored and surly and depressed and I had some really good lines floating around in my head because I’d had a fight with someone. I started romanticizing the fight, then went with it and started developing characters. It got fun. I imagined the bedroom scene, the devastation of this woman (I started really getting into it … was she a whore he picked up? What did her dress look like? Was she pretending to be asleep? Da, da, dah …). She’s singing this tune in her head. She wants more…

The song got good. And it’s become a song I really like and stick by. I can play it both on guitar OR piano, so I must like it a lot.

None of my Fu went like that. The Fu process has been painful and difficult. It’s been like the process of labor, giving birth. They were all arduous tasks and I had to prepare myself and try very, very hard to put myself into the given themes. I wanted to reveal something about myself each round and I met my goals.

The first round I wrote a song and I changed my approach at the last minute because I read a bad review. It ended up being a good decision because there was no place for me to hide my lyrics in such a last minute decision. We ended up with the raw truth of what I was going for at the time. It was basically about a conundrum I was dealing with. It was a song about me, but it was really written about somebody else that I was projecting all of my feelings onto. I was very frustrated professionally and I had a lot of longing toward developing myself in certain ways. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to approach someone I have intense feelings of professional admiration for (bordering on music-crushiness-passion-stuff) in that way with:

“Hey … I have been admiring you for a long time, lets DO something together!”

… up until now I have been very blessed to have things happen naturally and accidentally. I’ve been taken care of. That’s what happened to me in round two. I bit off more than I could chew and I had to figure out a way to rise to the task of writing something that would be singable for Joe; and I because I’d said impulsively that I’d do a duet in much the same way I said I’d write a song comprised entirely of limericks.

It’s an old-style recording, without the volume too high. I think that I will go into more detail about why I make the mixing decisions I make in another blog someday. If I feel like it. Or not. Maybe my secrets don’t really NEED justification.

Now I’m writing these lyrics. We went to the movies. The characters reminded me of me. And then they didn’t. Then my lyrics reminded me of me. And then THEY didn’t. And I think it’s a duet. But maybe it isn’t.

One of my girlfriends on TMA wants me to write a song about longing.. wanting something out of reach (basically, about being a woman and confusion and thirtysomething and blah-blah-blah-surroundedbymusicandboysandflowersandbeautyanddonutsandloveandsaltysnacksand stufffffff… and beerandcigars. And Ms. Pac-Man, or the Moog Keytar. Whatever your poison. And I will do that, but I think I’m cutting my teeth first on the idea of longing (you know, since I’m in a marriage that has gotten to the point where when we go to brunch we actually … bring BOOKS … and it’s TOTALLY FINE and DANDY with the BOTH OF US).

I think I’m learning about the longing because my body has entered the twilight zone again and I’m thinking masculinely about it. So this may end up being a duet with a beat. It may end up being inspired a bit by the movie, by the tinge of the forbidden and the violent (of course! it’s me!) and the clandestine and that … whatever-ness I always shove in there. Plus, I need a good win in the … pairs-figure-singing-mixer-ishness department. That’s how I’ll put that.

I need another Bluebeard. And it’s not happening for me. And when I write the Bluebeard that I need, I’m going to make a nice beautiful Blueberry Pie of a song for my friend and I that will kill everyone and break hearts. And then I will finish the other 20 I’m doing. And I will do this all at the relative speed of sound.

This is the damn plan anyhow.

Twitter / drama / TMA / Crash

So I just got on to Twitter, and I noticed that we should get our T-shirts for Fu now … which makes it look like to me that it’s all getting retired. And I realize that it’s true that all my trying, and being positive, and loving SongFu, and being better – even up to the point where

{megaphone}

A @@#(U#$ FUCp9@#($#@$ HOUSEWIFE won round three… which I suppose is fairly forgettable if you like,

doesn’t really matter.

Nothing I can say will change anything. Actually I was going to post this nice blog below, when some bs started today that I was unhappy with.

I’ve known Uber-folk. I’ve listened to us debate the definition of uber-folk, misunderstand the application of the meaning of uberfolk, stick to our guns of offense over the concept of uberfolk … whatever. Well, I’ve been scoffed at by uber-folk. I’ve known people who know people who know uber folk. I have stories about uber folk. Charming stories. If I twisted a little bit to the left a couple times or wore a different sweater or dated another guy or chose another reverb or whatever the hell, perhaps I’d be uber enough to be turning everyone down due to an egregious schedule. It would be valid. I had a teenager once. If I still were in that sitch, I wouldn’t have had time for any fu … so I can imagine that it would be difficult to do any kind of quality participation in a contest with no compensation with a busy season.

Fame and a good working showbiz thing … It’s a combo of sweat and luck. But luck and timing are in there. And the thing about luck and timing is that you have to be there. And you have to be smart and you have to get into the right place.

I’m not being smart anymore. It’s throwing off my game. I’ve hung my hat on other pegs and I don’t have the control I used to over things. And it’s dumb. Lately, I can look at several decisions I’ve made squarely in the face and say “well, that’s just plain dumb!”

###below is my post. I declined to post it after being told it was “one-sentence-y.” I don’t know what that means, and now … I don’t care, so I’m posting it anyway.

HERE ‘TIS
well. i knew this day would come.

what would my two cents be?

it doesn’t matter. the thoughts don’t really matter. really it just is what it is.

i’m sad. i hate this. how do i make it stop?

I’ve started talking more about my life in a desperate effort to be known. It gets addictive. I feel I have an online family. I don’t know. In a way it’s been nice. Somewhat nicer than being “outside.” Nice for a person like me who has my particular issues and failings and challenges.

But I’ve come to understand that I really rely on everything to function in the associations that I’ve built up around me here. I’ve become all too attached to things. When pointed out that it’s like a game and it doesn’t really matter; I think that yes … it does. these are real people in real life thinking and feeling real things …

I’ve completely lost perspective and am deeply upset over the goings on of people I’ve never met. People I have to hold back the flow of over-sharing myself with because it’s inappropriate. And they don’t really see my retreat from the intensity of emotion they provoke. They don’t see the crash. They don’t see my over-involvement. They don’t SEE me “laughing out loud.”

They don’t see how they can make me weep and cuss and cry and some times need. But yes … weep and cry lotsandlots.

And I need to work. I’ve become accustomed to a certain amount of work over the years. A certain type of work. busydenneedstobebusy. pianodenneedstomakepianos. That’s the geeky part of me. I do piano geeky things.

I’m definitely a square peg. And as I read arguments by other people about other people defended in the words of people on subjects that have less-and-less to do with what I am all about over time (and those who know me, know this!) … I am sad because of the massive amounts of love I have. But I want to slip down into the warm hole I am originally from and go back to my softwetcrazysillyplace where I just write and the more people who come, the better it gets. The simple fact is that. Where if I do well in something score-wise … it’s a nice surprise. Where if I could have done something crazy like my friend says:

HE SAYS: “Oh, wow … SECOND PLACE??? … we’ve gotta get you the votes to beat that Lombardo guy!” (no one even knows ‘that Lombardo guy.’ He’s a young piano gigger from New York and I am a hermit-housewife who plays provocative and weird little impressionistic little songs and occasionally an overly folksy little twangly guitar with clinks in all the wrong places. and some drum).

[Giggle] “That’d be awesome!” I SAY THIS WHILE DRINKING MORE BELGIAN ALE … although I hesitate to say whether or not it’s really Belgian. Or to try to spell it. It starts with “M,” it’s what the menu says, and it’s my second favorite beer (the first being Traquair House Ale 😦 ). [swig]

Of course I don’t win. Of course. because I never win. I never have and I never will. I am okay with this. I’m not someone who leaps to public notice. I have one second place medal from a martial arts tournament I had no business making second place in, just like I had no business making third in this contest. Really, I know that. These are some of my most obscure songs ever. All of them are either partially, totally, or completely inspired by or are about fellow Fu contestants – that are then used for me to work out deeply personal stuff I’ve been letting simmer for years&years. Several Fu-ers and TMAer’s are members of what I joke about as “my 12.”

1. I am wildly inappropriate.
2. I find the ridiculous fascinating.
3. I am overjoyed at cute and wonderful things.
4. I am truly appalled that there is a last place in Fu, because I LOVE Spencer Sokol to death and I went to bandcamp today and downloaded his stuff. Later I may make a link (this does not mean he is on the 12, just because I put him in a list. This does also not mean that he is not on the 12. The first rule of the 12 is that we do not talk about the 12. Anyway, he has a lovely haircut, which reminds me of someone who is on the 12 … and a clever and attractive wife).
5. I sometimes say things that are WILDLY inappropriate. Perhaps I have mentioned this before.
6. I have wanted to leave TMA about 3 times for various reasons, but there are about 3 people on there that have nothing to do with the leaving-reasons who I stay for. I know they would be crushed if I left. I won’t disappoint them.

Maybe that’s why I can’t just … crash. It’s responsibility. Maybe that is what happens when you start to achieve celebrity of any kind. Even a tiny amount of fans. My friend Dave thinks of fans in that way – where the word is from “fanatic.” I think of them as people who like your stuff. Fans can be friends. Maybe that’s where I’m missing the boat.

But maybe it IS when you get just ONE little fan who enjoys your work, your company. Maybe you become a person with “fans” when you have a child, even. Maybe your kid is looking up at you and idol-izing you and loving you and you have to continue walking the earth. Or when you have people around you that are looking up to you and you mentor them in some way. Or your spouse or lover or brother or sister or best friend or whatever thinks you hang the moon … you have to stop being an asshole, or being an asshole to defend whatever-the-bucket from assholes … or stop the chain-of-assholishness, or leave the original perceived asshole behavior, or just let the fact that we live in an asshole culture … just let that all go.

… maybe we have to stop trying to determine which came first, the asshole or the … well … you know. Sorry to be so blunt about it. But you walk away from the stench after a while and go to the garden with your child, your wife, your lover, your collection of lovers (one can only dream!), your online harem, your children, your kittehs, your band, your collaborators, your butchers, your bakers, your candlestick makers, your whoevers …

I don’t know

I don’t make any sense. I just want to be okay. I just want things to stop being so

schmeary.
######

That was it. The blog entry. I felt better after writing it. But I didn’t post it. I posted little short blogs instead and felt impotent. I even talked to Spencer online about his general awesomeness.

Since then, I have pulled out of TMA, and I’m sorry to people for that. But I don’t think that I am strong enough to hang around when things are constantly changing and people are so inconsistent, mean to one another, and wish-wash about how things will be conducted and with who. And when people change their minds, they are grilled and filleted. That’s not right. This is art. We are artists. We don’t need to be so rough with one another. We need to be more gentle. More polite. It hurts me to see ugliness. So I will try to find yet another place where it’s less ugly. I haven’t found one yet. Maybe the whole world is awful.

Maybe that’s why I live in a cave.

But what’s the point of TMA if there’s no Song Fu? I’m a Song Fu contestant. And I felt something was coming over the horizon. Without Song Fu we’re just all going to wait for our assignments for the new project that’s been discussed. I have some April projects coming up and I should start booking more gigs locally. I haven’t been doing that because, frankly, I was excited about what was happening online with Song Fu.

I’m sorry that I was not only not famous enough for one set, but for ANYONE to take enough notice of. I tried. I really tried. I will take my silliness and go elsewhere. I just wanted some artistry and peace. It was helping me get on track after I had to quit for reasons I won’t get into. Personal reasons, and health reasons, and professional reasons, and finally family reasons that I would think other humans would really connect with.

I guess I am not very inspiring in that regard though.

Oh well. As they say in auditions everywhere in “the biz…”

NEXT!