I took a coffee picture last Thursday and I was having a real moment with my morning cup… just a real super PASSIONATE and complicated THING that apparently was really tearing me up inside … I think I’ve been having an identity crisis. “I” reviewed a song contest this past weekend, except that *I* didn’t at all. It was Spintunes, and I went as one of my internet Alter Egos Cherry Pi (@CherryPiXXX). I always wanted her to judge/review–as a kind of lark; but I feel weird about it now.
It was and has been a real experiment, to see if I could actually do and BE and act like a character with a life/”history” and preferences. And it was easier to be someone else in my body than I imagined it to be- avoiding responsibility for my opinions and squashing down transitory gut feelings. I was far less painstaking and instead allowed the reviews to be messy; visceral and random–drunken and with a ditzy tone of voice.. There basically had to be dancing bears and whipped cream in order to please this woman!
Going on a second beach trip with family where I was a passenger sleeping on a couch did make it easier to be distractable. The first evening, the “Cherry Pi” character did reviews on the fly–loading up with cocktails and rapidly diminishing spelling skills; her companions waiting impatiently for Actual Me to join them at the pool. While writing, I avoided right clicking spelling or doing re-read throughs and only kept asking REAL-me would Cherry like this song? or Would she have this opinion? It actually felt disingenuous, because there were a few instances when I did disagree with the “alter ago,” or when I was into an entry more than “I” would have normally been because Cherry gave me a freedom from my own “standards.” She isn’t tied down to a songwriting philosophy that things ought to be any particular way or that she needs to look deeper into “just not digging” something. She likes BS bang and whistle, she’s arbitrary about what turns her on, and there are different things she finds offensive and different musical bandwagons she hops on. For me, there were a couple times I might have ranked higher or criticized less/more but couldn’t because she would never. In one case, Cherry changed her opinion of an entry the day after reviews were due–shed ranked it quite low in fact; but it was too late. So the character is still forming. What I’m learning is that we can’t take any of this too seriously. And it’s happened to real me too; and I went back and read the reviews I wrote under my name the time I judged years ago and I don’t stand by all those decisions I made fully. It’s tough because your opinions change and your tastes evolve. Sometimes they devolve. It’s tricky.
So this has been an interesting game, but not one I’d repeat. I wish @suspiciousden had done the reviews instead.
So yes. Beach, twice in a row. This past weekend, I went with my “immediate” family. I guess you call them that because someone with screaming babies in front of their face looked at that family and maybe said ‘Gee. This family seems more immediate than my needing to write that thank you note …’ even though that is not a very Polite thing to say because you should always write thank you notes even when you are covered in Baby Spooo. Anyway, I don’t have a baby–so what do I know and what excuse do I have?
So last weekend, it was my brothers and their families so they were all there playing with their little cousins. This time I went with some of my cousins and we are all grown up. They were good about the reviews. They were curious about what I was doing. They wondered just what it was exactly that I DO. I sort of did too. So I have a lot to think of, and do this week–mostly stuff that is distracting me, and hanging over my head. Things I committed to and are still wrapped around my brain pulling me off my path.
I’ll try to update again, In case anyone is reading this. I’m tired now.
and nip the nose to save the face.
I am in the middle of writing a blog post about something or other. I wasn’t done with it. WordPress posted it anyway for about five minutes and 1.7 people might have seen it from Twitter or wherever because I’m on my iPad. Sorry about that. What a great start to our year. Perhaps no one is reading this. Perhaps I should go to sleep. These are the kinds of problems that I had long ago, when the diplodoci roamed the internet. I’ve been on here too long for this silliness.
ps. tomorrow I will take a photo of something. maybe food.
pps. I will also maybe include a poem because a lot of you started following for that and I feel like I am falsely advertising here with my whining about how I do not blog flah flah wah excuse excuse-itty-poo rather than just write-writing away. Perhaps I will write a nice poem about blogging for an audience, like a circus pony. I am not trying to be sarcastic. I think I have a disease right now where everything I say sounds sarcastic, like Sarcasmiosis (which was not a very creative name for that) or maybe we will call it Splarvus Syndrome, for when you are afflicted with the sarcazzies. Anyway, I’ve started blogging another blog right here now during this edit–which I resolved not to do (even though that was Not one of my resolutions (not that I made any)).
1. My weight is fluctuating, and I feel like a gas planet. nobody needs this information, but you have it nonetheless.
2. I have leeks I need to cook. They will go in a soup with potatoes that (which?, who?, whom? potato? poTAH-toe?) could be more polite.
3. I’m still feeling bad about beginning the blog in this way. I feel bad about my lack of internet behavior. My life has been pretty awkward lately. But I feel like the internet and I are these old exes that are meeting at a fancy dress party. We have a fairly cordial relationship and have the same mutual friends so we really need to get along. There’s no reason to dislike one another either. But I really don’t like the way he’s been behaving lately and sometimes the way he (my ex, Internet McMashonnaheugh) conducts himself is pretty piss-poor. But all of my friends think he is the bees knees and their relationships with him are really important and they remind me of the great things he and I used to do together when we were good friends and they totally think I should forget the BS that is in the past and stop focusing on the negativity and my tendency to use really, really, really bad ex-boyfriend metaphors. So I’ll do that.
4. Dude I’m like so meta. Also, it’s really charming that I’m being all hipster-y and colloquial all up in this blog. Yo.
5. It’s been agreed that nobody thinks I sound cool or like Mr. T when I talk like this. I don’t even remember Mr. T saying “yo.” I think only pirates said “yo.” I actually looked up Walking the Plank the other day after watching ‘Hook’ and it sounds really screwed up and I don’t know why we celebrate this in our culture like it’s this big party trick. I don’t want cannonballs tied to my ankles so that I can die in the sea. That’s messed up!
6. I need more coffee except I don’t. I’m also noticing I don’t have many new tricks and I really, really, really need to get some. For now yeah … I’ll get my things and go.
I will be back later. I know. Nobody believes. 🙂
1. I’m fixing to go to the grocery store. I’m oddly excited about this.
2. I have a slight sunburn. I started a tiny herb garden this weekend.
3. I think I sort of like my song. Learning about recording is going slowly. I still need help. I’m okay with it now. I’ve got people on my team so I should just accept this and focus on what I’m good at. This gave me a sense of peace inside and I felt a lot better about myself.
4. I read about medieval torture devices today. I don’t know why I do this. It’s a family thing, I think (not Medieval torture. Reading about weird and creepy things. My brother and I both look at serial killer books and websites and creepy history topic things. No, we are not awash with the evil). Anyway, I’m really glad I live now because I would have been sure to mouth off in the past and receive an awful punishment of some kind.
5. People are still being tortured in the world today. I thought about that while reading this horrible article. This made me feel a lot differently about everything I go through on a day to day basis. At the very worst, my life on the earth is sometimes a confusing puzzle. That there are people on the earth who live totally choiceless, tortured existences FOR REAL is completely unacceptable.
6. I’m not sure what I can do about this in an effective fashion.