THINGS to DO today…

1. Post on G+ after squiqillions of years.

2. Say hello to brain.

3. Floss for SECOND day in a row. This is elementary to some, but not to ME, dear Watson.

4. Practice piano again, as I became allergic to my own musicianship and kinda quit for a while but didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to hear the “awwwww why???” and then have to have the ‘well-why-don’t-you-give-me-MONEY-then-FOOLZ!’ conversation. #ahem

5. Run a bunch of rando errands that take as much time as a real person’s job because I am a meandering Xondorian space cadet  with the attention span of a Concord grape–but I have accepted this, oh yes, I have accepted this.

6. Am considering video blogging and going back to making my rough-ass looking videos even though I have not figured out how to make crisp mountain-fresh cinematography and my YouTubery looks like it has been through a grainy mayonnaise bath. I don’t want to be mistaken for one of the screaming goats. 

Maybe. They’re sort of cute and funny. I could do a lot worse.

THINGS to DO today…

just say November

1. We’re babysitting tonight. Tiniest niece.

2. I’m dealing with old entries from this blog. I see end-of-tunnel light, with these tags. Also, I might be psychic. I need to listen to myself when I talk because I’m right a lot of the time. That’s not conceit, that’s just experience. And good sense.

3. I may have said this before in this blog, but a wise thing has been said by many – that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is called music-practicing….

4. No. Wait. It’s called insanity. But when you practice too fast you’re in a weird logic loop. Lather-rinse-repeat.
(list-in-a-list:
a. you screw up! surprise!
b. do it again!
c. go back to a!
d. are you here because you figured out you’re going to read this entry forever? Good! Go back to a but do it FASTER! Maybe that will FIX it!
e. you’re stupid
f. forget everything you know…
g. drink. or play iPhone games. or go ruin something else in life.
h. go back to a…….
).
this is not a very constructive practice routine, as you can see. I also left out a lot of the swearing. I’m writing a song right now sort of based on this, but we’ll see how it goes. It may be controversial. I’ve been writing almost songs a lot lately. And I’m okay with that.

5. Anyway, I’ve decided to have salad tonight because I know better than to continue eating fried chicken when I know it makes me sick. We have left-overs.

Every time you’re either “insane” or mean to yourself about being “crazy,” it wears away pieces of you and you don’t bounce as high, it seems.

But I can tell you that you get a hell of a lot smarter. And dozens of whiny blog entries eventually become a few well placed reflections and the simple statement:

“Thanks be to NOvember.”

It’s the most settled in of months. You just ride this sucker home. It’s time for the mosquitos to leave now.

Be well, my goblin readers … 🙂 xxxxx

just say November

snakehands

1. it is fine to fall asleep upon your couch, if you are a snake.
2. when a snake purchases a couch, s/he must get delivery. Also they require assssssisssssstanccccce with their wallet.
3. Another song will come out today. Well, probably many will, but I mean another Psychotics song. For now, it’s going to be the only way that I participate in the contests unless the song faeries scream at me. It’s time for other things to happen; time to finish things from before that have been left undone. I feel okay about this, because I tend to feel odd if I’m not actively involved in a Thing making new material. Like I’m killing a practice routine.
3b. I came back in here because one of the things I’m doing is that I’ve changed two of my old contest songs I dislike and made them into one song that I like more. Right now, it plays well live. Soon, I’ll do a decent demo. It may go on part of The Project. Teaser: I’m calling it ‘If I Had One more Time To Panic.’
4. I’ve been stuck in troubling practice cycles before. Practicing is good, but I once gave myself tendinitis. I was never as good. When you hurt a part from working it too hard, those muscles and other moving parts don’t trust as much again.
Sometimes when I practice, I can hear my body thinking “yeah, right…” and I feel myself tense up.
5. I’d be a looser and less tense performer if I were a snake. But this would be irrelevant. Snakes don’t have hands.

snakehands

validation

when a person/peoples believe in you, it can be pretty powerful.

Validation goes a long way. Especially in these days of instant social gratification (“look at me! I have posted a photo of Gandalf saying something droll! And someone from the cast of Full House ‘liked’ it!!” (this never happened to me)).. you can grow rather lonely waiting for a project or idea to percolate without an “atta boy/girl/naked squirrel” applied at the right place/time.

This can cause havoc with your discipline. But you get to a point where it’s just not PROFESSIONAL anymore to need constant love and coddling from the folks who surround you in order to work. It is this that has finally made me realize The Thing. The Answer to The Big Question.

When is one a professional?

I used to think “when one gets paid.” After a while, this didn’t make a lot of sense to me. It didn’t make sense to me because people are constantly getting paid to do sub-par work. I have done some of my most ridiculous, unrecognized and informal sit-ins with names that would look nice on my résumé, and I didn’t stick around to pursue further work and schmooze time on further opportunities in some of those directions. I seriously don’t talk about the time I played once at a little show with such-and-such because they’d be all “who the hell is she?” And usually at the time I was being professional in other capacities that look spotty and ridiculous now; mostly getting poorly paid at gigs which don’t matter. But I learned a lot at every gig that didn’t matter – sometimes picking up really important skills that translated well. Usually learning something like “don’t do ThIs or That, it doesn’t work.”

I haven’t been consistently paid in a long time. When those days do come, I bet the source/s of income will look very different than I ever imagined they might. I’m going to have to get creative to succeed at being me, and make up being profitable at it; simply because I don’t think that way. I haven’t even gotten the foot out the door of “make really bad ass content available.” Moving out of Thinking time into Doing is scary, particularly when you shut the door because it’s time for your Validating Individuals who Love and Care to do Their Own Things and Not Your Drama. Then it is All You and Oh My God I need cake right now.

And so, what do I think, of Work?

I think I am producing content. I think that I’m busy. Perhaps I am working, even. But I don’t know if I’m getting the job done. I may have to write another job description, and fire my ass. Perhaps I will hire another Me.

I certainly feel like I work all the time. At the moment, most of the things that I do I think of as practice, to justify the unpaid nature of it all. But I have withdrawn a bit because I have things on the back burner that are not items for practice. I “haven’t had time” to do them. I’ve been distracted.

I think it might have something to do with validation, with belief. When I started doing these contests, for instance, they were a mixed blessing. They came with communities. And the communities both held you up and back. When you’re in a group of people, you start feeling like you should do things to fit the mold, even if it hasn’t been communicated that you should. That’s just crowd ethic, perhaps. It’s not law though.

Joining communities that do things recreationally that I’m trying to break into professionally, even if the lines are really blurry, is going to continue to confuse me. It’s silly not to keep it up since I think I’ve made some lifelong relationships; but it’s also dumb to let my whole life continue to be swallowed up by it all.

I played some songs I wrote in the early 2000s. Some even earlier. I was already doing well. I was writing with confidence. I had a style I owned. Lately, I write songs as though I listened to song reviews, tried to insert several other people’s concepts of how to write hooks, and then lost how I put stories down into words to sing against verses. And I need to take what I have been given and remember how I used to flow with it.

I love my work and lately, I haven’t as much. But I think it’s slowly starting to change back.

I keep Almost finding an audience, a niche. Then I pull back, last second, and settle into the warm womb of relationships. Collaboration. I don’t trust my own gut. I don’t sit in my own silence. I’ve always trusted what I had to say before. This fear is a new thing, brought on by too many surrounding voices. Too much need for approval and too much stimuli.

It’s been both good and bad. Mostly good.

I think it’s about balance. And the things that stick, you keep. Hopefully, the rest shakes off okay.

validation

let den eat cake but not for dinner

1. The Internet sure can get to you if you don’t step out and go play a pretty grand piano – or get some fresh air.
2. I think I’ve got my eyes on a gig I want.
3. I don’t usually want to go to places, but it IS like me to fall in love with pianos.
5. It’s not too far-fetched to think I could teach myself to play more interesting parts. I think the key is doing more with less. Duality Cupcake went really well last time I played it.
6. Got a couple really late things I’m working on tomorrow; and will be thru the weekend.
7. I’ve scraped the dirt off my schedule and hopefully my routine/lack thereof so I should be getting stuff done now.

I highly recommend this activity; just ditching your dead-end pursuits. There’s some battles that ain’t worth the fight. The one for your sanity though, is always worth both fight and/or retreat.

8. one more bed-thought? Cake. Not a good idea for dinner with my Tea-With-Creatures. Tummy hurts!! (Kombucha. A fungus among’us 🙂 ): and I’m supposed to be the princess of dessert and all that! Guess I should know better.
9. Both the songs I played Monday were dessert songs! And I coulda played one more. Later I showed Heather one of BLT & my songs we cowrote for the Psychotics thing and she caught my cake reference 🙂
Maybe I’m not done with food metaphors yet. Not if I want restaurant gigs, at least 🙂

let den eat cake but not for dinner