Judger 

I took a coffee picture last Thursday and I was having a real moment with my morning cup… just a real super PASSIONATE and complicated THING that apparently was really tearing me up inside … I think I’ve been having an identity crisis.IMG_0135.JPG “I” reviewed a song contest this past weekend, except that *I* didn’t at all. It was Spintunes, and I went as one of my internet Alter Egos Cherry Pi (@CherryPiXXX). I always wanted her to judge/review–as a kind of lark; but I feel weird about it now.  

It was and has been a real experiment, to see if I could actually do and BE and act like a character with a life/”history” and preferences. And it was easier to be someone else in my body than I imagined it to be- avoiding responsibility for my opinions and squashing down transitory gut feelings. I was far less painstaking and instead allowed the reviews to be messy; visceral and random–drunken and with a ditzy tone of voice.. There basically had to be dancing bears and whipped cream in order to please this woman! 

Going on a second beach trip with family where I was a passenger sleeping on a couch did make it easier to be distractable. The first evening, the “Cherry Pi” character did reviews on the fly–loading up with cocktails and rapidly diminishing spelling skills; her companions  waiting impatiently for Actual Me to join them at the pool. While writing, I avoided right clicking spelling or doing re-read throughs and only kept asking REAL-me would Cherry like this song? or Would she have this opinion? It actually felt disingenuous, because there were a few instances when I did disagree with the “alter ago,” or when I was into an entry more than “I” would have normally been because Cherry gave me a freedom from my own “standards.” She isn’t tied down to a songwriting philosophy that things ought to be any particular way or that she needs to look deeper into “just not digging” something. She likes BS bang and whistle, she’s arbitrary about what turns her on, and there are different things she finds offensive and different musical bandwagons she hops on. For me, there were a couple times I might have ranked higher or criticized less/more but couldn’t because she would never. In one case, Cherry changed her opinion of an entry the day after reviews were due–shed ranked it quite low in fact; but it was too late. So the character is still forming. What I’m learning is that we can’t take any of this too seriously. And it’s happened to real me too; and I went back and read the reviews I wrote under my name the time I judged years ago and I don’t stand by all those decisions I made fully. It’s tough because your opinions change and your tastes evolve. Sometimes they devolve. It’s tricky.

So this has been an interesting game, but not one I’d repeat. I wish @suspiciousden had done the reviews instead.

So yes. Beach, twice in a row. This past weekend, I went with my “immediate” family. I guess you call them that because someone with screaming babies in front of their face looked at that family and maybe said ‘Gee. This family seems more immediate than my needing to write that thank you note …’ even though that is not a very Polite thing to say because you should always write thank you notes even when you are covered in Baby Spooo. Anyway, I don’t have a baby–so what do I know and what excuse do I have? 

So last weekend, it was my brothers and their families so they were all there playing with their little cousins. This time I went with some of my cousins and we are all grown up. They were good about the reviews. They were curious about what I was doing. They wondered just what it was exactly that I DO. I sort of did too. So I have a lot to think of, and do this week–mostly stuff that is distracting me, and hanging over my head. Things I committed to and are still wrapped around my brain pulling me off my path.

I’ll try to update again, In case anyone is reading this. I’m tired now.

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Judger 

Day 2.1

1. I said I was going to blog every day. I didn’t. Maybe. I also forgot to eat black eyed peas on the 1st. We ate them on the 2nd in a delicious soup. Maybe I’m just a late person.

2. I still have the coughlings from my flu. It’s also raining. I feel like the character in that Dar Williams song ‘The Blessings,’ I think that’s what it’s called … where it’s raining and she has to move her stuff that night and it’s all dire in the first verse. I ran out of tissues too. Woe is me.

3. My hair itches and my left eye hurts. Clearly I’m a creature of grave pathos. Also the Traveling Minstrels are having their lovely tour through their lunar timeshare. Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? Woo hoo. I do have a gorgeous new toothbrush, but it’s a flu toothbrush so it’ll have to be gotten rid of.

4. I can’t write a poem today for you because I am too boring right now. My brain is a colander and there is just the spinach sitting there. I got nothing.
Here is a picture I took at the doctors long ago in 2014, before Christmas even. Ah…but we were all younger then…..
Here, feast your peepers on the good Old Days!:

IMG_0331.JPG

Day 2.1

meow {heavily edited}

1. Well, I’m back in this year’s Nur Ein again. It’s the ninth one.

2. I sailed in with several panicked emails after a week long cold and a family Easter celebration a minute or so shy of “deadline.” Week Zero is kind of a qualifier. I obsessed about it with a friend but was fine. I had it done, and in less than five hours too! 🙂
3. It’s ridiculous.
4. I put up a more Finished version …

{EDIT: and then … an even MORE finished version than THIS, which I originally put up}
{FURTHER EDIT: for some reason, once again, the ‘philosophywithfries-y’ linky is not ka-working. Ack. Flarg. Snurg. Fligg… Gurff.

…at my Newly minted website music.denisehudson.com (it really just goes to my bandcamp. Also, go ahead and click on philosophywithfries.denisehudson.com … Pretty savvy, folks. Tomorrow I’m gonna buy a theme and then I’m gonna start doing STUFF! {addendum: the website faeries are doing magical things and this is all in some kind of process I do not quite Fathom. But it shall all come to pass at Some Point…..}
5. this song isn’t really that great, is getting kinda better 🙂 🙂 🙂 but AND it amuses me. SO I’ll keep working on it probably CERTAINLY until I’m happier with the vocal because I don’t like it yet shall indeed come to like it. It’s blippy MEYOW-LICIOUS.

🙂

meow {heavily edited}

tunnel light.

I wrote a large collection of unreleased, themed poems last year. They are meant to fall into six booklets. It has come to my attention more and more that, for many reasons, my work is very personal and largely unreleased.

A lot of it comes in the form of blogs, or letters. Gifts or gestures or jokes. There’s a lot of poetry in my songs. Basically I am writing always, even when sick or sad. I may get really overwhelmed and blue and feel as though I am not accomplishing anything because I’m not tacking accomplishments to a bulletin board or having a huge showcase or mounting some epic smash hit cd release world tour of everything.

I get comparative and overwhelmed and it makes me feel small and useless and crazy. And very invisible.

(yes, SXSW is on and I’m not an Epic Hopelessly Over-Busy Uber-Showstopping Musician. I am just me.)

I told a friend of mine, “I think I shall do an album!” and he said “make a Kickstarter for it!” I thought “whatever for?” But then I realized that I could do this and it would fit. And I could fit my projects into the whole plan as well. Because I’m trying to wrap up one area of my life and go into the next one. Work-wise I mean. Anyway, I’m going to spread all my material I’ve collected in front of me and see what I’ve got. I’ve already got quite a whittled-down plan and I’m not quite as confused anymore. But I think it’s important to really my give some honor to what I’ve written, because it’s okay that I write a lot, that I see things and say things and think things. I’m glad to have more material rather than less.

I’ve decided to stop thinking of myself as excessive and exhausting and annoying and to think of myself again as insightful and prolific. It’s easy to focus on getting sucked into the deep drown-y parts of life. It is very overwhelming.

I know I have an audience and they will come to me. They DO come to me 🙂

I was feeling negative for a bit. Now I’m feeling a bit better about things and with the glimmerings of some realistic hope. 🙂 yay me 🙂

tunnel light.

drowned

I can’t sleep.

(released 16 Apr. 2011 for omgsongclub.com)

I’m having dreams. I wake up and I feel panic attacky because I drown to death. And for the first time I think that I can’t do This thing I want to do with my life …. my work and goals … and that I’m feeling my mortality and that time is deserting me completely and I can’t catch up. I can be pessimistic, but usually I’m not defeatist.

It’s like I didn’t know I was actually playing THAT kind of game with Time; I thought we were having a friendly exchange after dinner and drinks, not a bloodbath death match. So I’m laying beside the card table holding my intestines in, bleeding all over the rug. This is that kind of metaphor – way worse than just not bouncing back like I used to. 

You swim or you drown.

I’ve had this dream before. My stomach hits the ground and I know I’m in the same place I am always in. I’ll get sucked down if I don’t quit being embarrassed about my instincts and ditch these heavy waterlogged clothes before the sharks figure out I’m bleeding to death as I try to make sure the pretty jellyfish and seahorses don’t see me in my knickers. It’s absurd to be drowning, concerned about the sensibilities of carnivorous fish in a world that doesn’t actually exist.

The dreams have a tragically hopeful, lying little boat and usually there’s intimidating music playing off in the distance … the kind I always think i wish i could improv to that, on a boat, in a snazzy little dress, swapping solos in some high demand ensemble with great chemistry all between them. It’s always some fancy dress party on some yacht full of Relaxing Eveningwear Conversations and The Better Cocktails. This time, the music ended and MY music was playing (the song I put in here … which I haven’t thought about for a long time because I’ve been writing a lot.), but with fuller-real orchestra to it. I rarely dream my own music that I’ve already written. If it’s new music, it’s something I’ve yet to write and often I forget it before I wake up.

And usually in this Drowning-Dream, I’m being sucked down in some dark harbor, some place where I can see twinkling city lights and fishing boats and the outlines of buildings – like those places where detectives meet to whisper about conspiracies or where they probably go under those bridges to hide the bodies. But in last night’s dream, I was in the ocean in my sundress with the little sash and my sweater and these cowboy boots that I have and those were dragging me down to the bottom. The boat was very, very far away.

And I died slowly. My lungs filled with water and I felt them explode. I woke up and I blamed my heartburn for the feeling. I have that now and I take medicine for it. I feel old now. I blame fried chicken and a series of disappointments and mild to moderate betrayals. 🙂 Perhaps I am being dramatic.

In all seriousness, I know that I am on the verge of something. My beliefs have been lost in some kind of karmic spin-cycle. When you are not sure where the center of your soul is meant to sit – or whether or not you were ever the sort of person who the universe allows the luxury of having a gentle, loving soul … it takes an adjustment period. I never wanted to grow up to be hard as nails.

Mom would have been 64 this year. I’m so far beyond needing to talk to her it makes me laugh rather than cry. I laugh at myself instead of crying now a lot of the time and it feels reassuring, like a slap of discipline or just jumping in the pool instead of easing in.

Dreams of dying are not supposed to be bad, apparently. They signify peace, or change. Maybe it’s the universe, teaching us. And I think I am probably afraid of something. I keep looking for land. But I know that there’s nothing for me on that boat full of well dressed people.

The boat people would probably just throw me a martini. And then while I was sinking, rather than wanting a lifeboat like a normal person, I’d request another drink.

drowned

“of walking on the mines I laid …”

1. woke up on couch from a weird dream.
2. I was in a HUGE field full of tree stumps. They stretched out for eternity.
3. I was wearing a white dress and my new blue sneakers and my multicolored headband with the flowers. I had on my whole wedding ring but was wearing it on a ribbon around my neck. I kept checking to see if the other two pieces of it were there because I don’t wear them any more – just normally my engagement ring on my pointer finger. I had bug earrings like in the Wes Anderson movie Moonrise Kingdom (spoiler alert for links!).
4. I think I had blue in my hair.
5. I had an axe in my hand and I was chopping down a tree with it. It was the only tree left and it had glowing blue light in it.
6. The light around me was very yellow. Occasionally crows flew by.
7. Playing overhead, or in my head was that Sting song about building the city and the fortress (The video is so dated! What is he doing?! The song aged remarkably well).
8. I woke up really slowly but felt really *weird* and Off. Like there is a great deal of work to be done.
9. Without hesitation, I deleted about 80 documents I’ve had lying around, thinking I was going to use them.
10. I’ve also felt more solitary than usual lately. This is a bit worrying seeing as I’m a fairly lone-ish sort anyhow.

Maybe I spring clean in the fall.

I’m real happy there was a chill over the weekend. It was perfect.

“of walking on the mines I laid …”

1. be nice. 2. be nice…

1. have seen a few “I hate lists” posts now floating around. Am concerned this will be the new Charming Hit Meme.
2. As we all know, this will affect me not at all, as I will continue doing precisely what I always do. However, it may affect your feelings about me if you are a person who is affected by what the Internet tells you is cool.
3. In that vein, I hope dislike buttons and -1s don’t appear and become the new Taco.
4. We should quit hating things. Its tacky. See what I did there? I left out that apostrophe. Yes. I did that on porpoise. It’s a learning experience. It’s so we can all grow. Let’s move on. Let it sit there. Or if the urge becomes too great, go back through everything you’ve written in the past year and look for your own little bobbles. Then we can revisit the topic of criticizing one another! 🙂
6. At Hall and Oates last night, they played the Making My Dreams Come True song for the 1st Encore (yes my titles are fronk). That’s my favorite one. I could tell they would have liked to play new material. Both of them have current stuff that should be seen. I’ll probably write about that soon.
7. Last night I had a dream and Miss Gradenko was playing in the background of it. So I’m gonna be slurking around the house going “no-body but us in here……”
8. Someone … occasionally sometimes … is wrong on the Internet. Or they will disagree with you.
9. Deal.
10. Have a lovely day, filled with tiny hedgehogs and cupcakes and Frolic, or doom and napalm and swear words. It’s totally your decision.

1. be nice. 2. be nice…