Hell in a

I thought I’d write a blog, as I haven’t in a while and my whole personality feels changed and like stars that aren’t allowed to live in space.

1. The fact that my blogging came to a grinding halt around the month of that Particular Election and then just gross weird sputters is not a coincidence.

2. I have not been on social media much. But everyone is done past hearing about this. I get on twitter sometimes to check in and sometimes post things about issues I care about.

I cared a lot about coming out day, and thusly said nothing. Paradox? Maybe. It’s a little confusing.

I went to the capitol and participated in some government enough to notice the futility of such things. Remember government? It’s REALLY hard to do government. The rules are always changing and if you want to do anything to make a difference you have to spend a lot of time researching stuff that they are trying to sneak past deadlines at the last minute in the dead of night and change at the eleventh hour. Nothing is sure and nothing is permanent. And the odds are always stacked. It takes lots of money and lots of time. That’s my take on absolutely every single issue ever that matters. Its all very crooked and not at all honest, seemly, or above board. It’s all dirty pool and immoral as hell. And nothing you want comes to pass except failure and evil triumphing. (not always, but hell….) And I’m sorry I just feel tired and cynical a lot now after mostly silently trying and just failing to make a damn bit of difference.

3. As usual, my breath could improve.

4. America as a nation is living on borrowed time. I have no idea if we can work out our differences here and survive as a nation. I don’t see an America as we know it even existing in fifty years (maybe less). The post apocalyptic worlds we acted out in my improv class during the summer intensive program I took felt eerie, like something cresting just over a possible horizon. And this probably is true in other nations as well, it just might look slightly cosmetically better or maybe way worse…. Or maybe other countries are probably also just kidding themselves and its all probably just a matter of time before everything goes to hell as humans are all shitty people to one another.

5. I tried to go on a diet, “for my health.” It didn’t go well. I’ll try this again next week. This has been a stupid year for food and me. This is a long series of dumb stories I’ll discuss later in life.

6. Back here at home, the only thing to wonder over is whether or not there will be a United States of anything at all, or whether it will be torn apart completely by warring extreme factions and then will descend entirely into anarchy. I’m not personally invested in any outcome–hoping only that as many humans as possible can continue to view one another with compassion and dignity and not break down into a state where we are hunting each other through the streets for food and sport. I hope if those days come, I am not marked as an enemy just because I’m not loudly present in some mob calling for heads and blood.

7. I have some seriously intelligent cats. Genius level. A lot of peopl THINK their cats and children are this level of smart. But mine actually are. They invented a cat language to talk to me, and their own games with complicated kitty rules. Make of this what you will.

8. I have not written any songs in well over a year, except for one in which I am sarcastic and talk about how corn is nasty. Because of my 😂vast😂 and diverse audience I shouldn’t link to it–as it has an Extreme Swear Word in it and I do try at times to be Seemly.

It feels frivolous to make music, like I should be making social commentary instead. Then I read my social commentary and think that my point of view is irrelevant and privileged.

9. I started doing improv, about six months ago. Only doing things that were entertaining and spontaneous and ready-made, DIY sorts of productions … only that seems real and relevant in these times. This is not the right way to think about the subject of improv at large…and is not the point of improv at all. The point of improv is fun and child mind…at least I think so.

I felt like soon we shall all be in roving bands of survivors and will need people with Art Memories. People who could call to mind dramatic form or the ways of storytelling or who could record quickly into any phone or tape or format or play/dance/act any collection of ragtag materials. Anything to tell a tale or song or some semblance of the way things were. The tellers of tales. As we sit by fires in whatever we can scrape together. Mourning the loss of all we were in the last days of our precious “civilization.” Sorry. That got weird. I’ll try again later. I’m crusty at this.

Also, everytime I try to do a thing these days I am interrupted often because these are the days of almost constant interruption. This is why you see less of me. It is as though I have forgotten I have a butt and cannot remember how to sit down!

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Hell in a

Spositive Tots

1. I was not ready to look at the Internet this morning. No social media, no messages, no email. I think if I get some more of ME done, I can do this. But not yet.

2. On Tuesday, which is the tomorrow of this week–I have the dentist. Oh yes, you can be sure I will floss today as though I have been flossing all along. But you have all heard this before.

  3. Just listened to the Netflix Ted Talk on Starting a Movement (#dontYOUjudgeMEforcheese) and saw it explained that it is often a brave observer joining in with the Lone Nut with a good idea which starts a Thing. I think my problem has been in a word–disenchantment. I never believe in the godlike qualities of the nuts I come across for long, and prefer to forage for the nuts in my own sack of this delightful metaphor in the grand scheme of the wheel in the land on the time in the ultimate ever cheese (what?)

4. This is why I ate wine and cheese for dinner last night, late. But someday I will have even more nice things through the power of Spositive Tots. 

 

“tater’s gonna” ~d.mcA
 
‘tot mob’ ~d.mcA
  

Spositive Tots

What Happens in Portland…

1. I’m back from a trip I took about a week and a half ago to Portland for this thing called SongFight! Live. I did my own tiny set for a mildly smily-but-challenging crowd. They were a bit more chatty than I’m used to, requiring me to bring out the emotional pyrotechnics and stage pizzaz. I’d give my performance a solid 6 out of 10.

2. Videos were made of this performance  and I put a couple of them on G+. You can find them then if you’re just DYING to see them. Otherwise, maybe I’ll post myself singing and playing music some other day.

3. I also sat in with someone and played Mysterious Organ, was in three-ish other bands on various instruments. and participated in the live fight wearing a green mask. There were glow sticks.


4. However, I probably caught Airline Hospitality Flu on the way up there. I did not know it at the time, and mistook the illness for a hellish evening of food poisoning that kicked off violent night shakes and sweating fever-chills with weird cold-y fatigue symptoms during the day. I felt gut wrenching guilt over other people’s (probably) unrelated colds, and obsession over germs I figured I’d certainly sprinkled willy-nilly over each shared meal. And I accidentally left a charming parasol behind in my hotel; although it had Random Chinese Characters on it. So in retrospect, perhaps I dodged a cultural insensitivity bullet.

5. All-in-all, it was a little hotelzo-hectic, and there were a few other really emo things that went down that are more diary-than-blog worthy. And they CERTAINLY, *CERTAINLY* aren’t social media worthy in my opinion. But there’s really no reason I should still be a wreck because there was lots of Nice. Yet I am still somehow moody and fragile and there’s also probably no Vitamin B left in my body–add to this the lunar landing modules are being trashed again by the Travelling Minstrels in Space and we all KNOW what THAT means …….

6. I’m going to BlogathonATX in September but I still need a ticket. I need to get geared up for this. I am also rather vigorously working on incidental and accompaniment music for a friend’s musical, and on my own Next Steps.

7. Anyway, this is my demeanor during and now after the trip. And I’m NOT in good driving mode anymore … off my game, so fellow Austinites are now trying to pick me off in this Automotive Darwinism thing we have going. Portland driving is very cerebral, motorists take the time to exchange meaningful eyerolls and fraught glances that could mean anything at all. And I wish I was used to the blind inconsiderate-ness of the driving back home yet, but I’m really angry still (I’ll tell my Highway Story later).

8. I don’t know how to act on social media anymore, that’s been utterly destroyed. I told a story on Twitter about a Thing that happened to me in Portland. EPIC saga of a man yelling at his companion … who then cleverly stole his keys while his back was turned! So I ended up being the person from out of town talking about people I don’t know behind their backs on the Internet. But I think I was just trying this ‘People of Wal-Mart’ style of “journalism” on to see if it worked. Why? Who cares? Does this have anything meaningful to do with my Portland experience? Maybe I am being too hard on myself and it was mildly clever entertainment. But did it do ANYTHING to edify or change my narrative? Should I have talked about what was REALLY going on?

What DID really happen in Portland and … in the last few years even, and why can’t I just DEAL? Why is this trip the mental situation, a Vest Factory come to a head? I played some music there. I had some interactions. I took a few photos. But, life is not a Wes Anderson film, and my head is not a pashmina to be wrapped around an elephant in the tastefully lit room.



9. I think it’s just going to take me a while to sort out my feelings.



But ultimately I can change and learn and adapt if I feel safe and can breathe. This is what I figured out.

10.   So I thought a lot in Portland and it turns out I’m not nearly as adept at subtlety or subtext as I thought I was. Nutshell–I know I didn’t fit in, but damn I over-tried. But it was Song Fight, so I ALWAYS try just a smidge too hard anyhow. And I’m usually overthinking what maybe probably isn’t an epic fail? Unless it was. Except it really wasn’t..? You know, or not. Hell, I don’t know. 



What Happens in Portland…

Number 31.

I made a list of stuff that might make it into one of the “Things” I’m kinda doing. I’ve been working on it for a while. I’ve been THINKING a lot. This is some of it. I know there’s a lot of la la la happy-be nice stuff around. But there is also much that is miserabubble, so maybe it’s necessary to spread joy. 🙂 And my mood magically got Calm last night (#pizza) so … better morning today. 🙂

LIST FOR some PEOPLE

  1. Be what you are the best that you can–as much as you are allowed to … and then more.
  2. Feel what you feel.
  3. Vent a little … or a lot.
  4. Need people, places, and things.
  5. Curb your annoyance.
  6. Suffer fools … to a point.
  7. Brag infrequently but skillfully. 🏆
  8. Apologize relevantly.
  9. Love hugely and really well. 🙂
  10. Hate hardly ever.
  11. Stop spreading gloom.
  12. Weather criticism bravely and anger graciously.
  13. Uphold boundaries firmly.
  14. Apply discretion calmly, trusting yourself.
  15. Debate sanely.
  16. Judge absolutely when self-perfection is attained.
  17. Lie with caution, forethought, and humility.
  18. Forgive carefully.
  19. Pursue folly cautiously … and rarely.
  20. Trust sometimes.
  21. Avoid the casual fib.
  22. Eschew the false compliment.
  23. Refrain from subtle, yet oily social gloating.
  24. Tell someone else up.
  25. Don’t. rub. it. in.
  26. Do not throw rocks at the other children.
  27. Step down a peg.
  28. Aim up six.
  29. Buy bigger britches.
  30. Wear your neighbor’s shoes.
  31. Be nice.
  32. no … really…  just be NICE
  33. enjoy yourself.
Number 31.

frrrrfh.

1. Today is a hangnail.
2. I am not having a fantastic week already.
3. I do not want to blog or make one of my non-famous Un-viral videos. Or do anything else similarly exhausting at the moment.
4. I just want to get some work done and get through a list of simple, random tasks I do not feel like elaborating upon. Things that are baby steps that I am mildly excited about. Notions I might quietly entertain before they are crushed into the dirt by criticism, or examples of younger-cooler-already-better-thans, or absconded with and twisted up, or whatevered on.
4. I am terrified I will feel stressed out by something random, and will decide to hide under the bed forever.
5. I am tired of how fantastic and colorful everything is and totally get that I’m not Up to Par. I need some coffee.
6. I realize that I’m terribly lucky, and many people have it far worse than me, and I should never, ever complain.
7. My breath has been worse, but could improve.
8. Usually I’m not like this, but today I am. I blame the media, and the arrival of dire and depressing news in the form of monthly periodicals. I send letters to the editor in–to no avail.

frrrrfh.

Old Elderly Birthday-Unbirthday

I found THE old post I wrote but didn’t publish for some weirdo reason on my 39th birthday, 2.5 years ago. I thought I’d show it now for your a-moose-mint. And to motivate myself because I was already feeling elderly when I was still youngirly. So I need to get over it and suck it up! Chop choppitty!!

BIRTHDAY POST
1. this is my last thirties year. i do not feel like an elder-berry. so I am not going to Act like One.
2. I have a feeling of urgency regarding goals. This probably has to do with a kicked up libido, the feeling that I am running out of hooks, tests that have indicated wonky kidney function, decreased attention span when reading historical biographies and informational texts, a decreased tolerance for alcohol and steak, my body starting to argue with my predilection for eating candy and keeping weird hours, the presence of electric guitar players in my general destiny, and increased eye wrinkles.
3. My right shoulder hurts and I am fixing to go to the movies. The whole town is at Formula 1. Aerosmith is in town. I did not ask them to dinner. This has less to do with the kitchen being a mess and more to do with the fact that they are Famous People and I do not have access to their phone numbers.
4. If I did, I would make them listen to some Billy and the Psychotics stuff – because that’s the stuff I’m having people listen to lately when I say “hey, look at this cool stuff I do,” and I think we’re getting pretty consistently good.

5. I’m not just being silly, I don’t think.

Old Elderly Birthday-Unbirthday

Day 2.1

1. I said I was going to blog every day. I didn’t. Maybe. I also forgot to eat black eyed peas on the 1st. We ate them on the 2nd in a delicious soup. Maybe I’m just a late person.

2. I still have the coughlings from my flu. It’s also raining. I feel like the character in that Dar Williams song ‘The Blessings,’ I think that’s what it’s called … where it’s raining and she has to move her stuff that night and it’s all dire in the first verse. I ran out of tissues too. Woe is me.

3. My hair itches and my left eye hurts. Clearly I’m a creature of grave pathos. Also the Traveling Minstrels are having their lovely tour through their lunar timeshare. Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? Woo hoo. I do have a gorgeous new toothbrush, but it’s a flu toothbrush so it’ll have to be gotten rid of.

4. I can’t write a poem today for you because I am too boring right now. My brain is a colander and there is just the spinach sitting there. I got nothing.
Here is a picture I took at the doctors long ago in 2014, before Christmas even. Ah…but we were all younger then…..
Here, feast your peepers on the good Old Days!:

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Day 2.1