boring backyard haiku

I have decided to please your eyeballs by finishing off my blog-ventures and showing you five haiku based upon what I can see out here in front of me

***********************

FIVE TIME WASTING LITTLE SNIPPETS

chronicled too much
still they don’t do anything
my lazy lawn gnomes

image

if my crocs offend
maybe just get over it
and all is mended!

 

husband washes snapware
left in trunk of car for years
smells UN-delightful

 

HINT: apparently
the trick is to WATER plants
then they do not die.

this is a haiku
that is about these haiku
dude. i’m so meta.

my exciting headache and other Boring Information.

1. I’m reading old entries in this blog. They are trying to amuse me and make me laugh and I’m thinking “not now, blog! I have a headache.”
2. I actually do have a headache, so that was not just said for Comedic Effect.
3. At my new house with Magical Flooring, I have a birdybath with sillyfrogs in it in my backyard.
4. Porch Kitty likes the back porch a lot and has not begun festooning the place with Poo.
5. I do not know why I felt it was necess-a-squarey to capitol-ize ‘poo.’
6. We have placed our gnomes.
7. I’m feeling sick today, but this is not really Breaking News because there is always SOMETHING a-foot in Dees-ville.
8. I am too lazy to rave about Blogathon, my website development, or the Texas Honeys thing today (my husband knew when it was coming out and I didn’t!) – but I’ll talk more about it soon, SOON. Today I wanted to make lists and whine about the dull Throbbing ACHE that is my headache. This is my BLOG. Why do I have to promote myself all the time, I ask you? Can’t a body just sit here and WHINE? Can’t I complain? I think I should be able to whinge and MOAN!!!
9. Okay, that’s done. Promise. Damn, I need a massage.
10. The husband is getting his American citizenship tomorrow. Yes, he still gets to be an Australian. Yes, he had to take a test, so he now knows more about our government and history than ALL other Americans combined. I’m so proud.

Two for the price of One Plus a Dollar…

These are the kitties of Randall, “Couch Kitty” and “Window Kitty” .. also known as Alex and Max.
These are the photos we took before they left. It’s been weird. I didn’t want to blog about them, because I don’t know how they are – but I haven’t been blogging a lot and yesterday I went out and read some of my writing to some people and there was mirth and fun and enjoyment and I realize how much I edit and hold back and am careful and it does me no good because bad things continue to happen anyway regardless of what I do. So I may as well just continue on as I am, writing as I like and trying my hardest to be the best that I can be. What can one do about such things? We are moving, and it’s a billiondy million degrees, and and I have been a worrier of Epic Porpoises since I was a podling. Everything will work out fine. I continue to stare suspiciously at the piano and wish things would pack up themselves and magically sort-out-in-all-easy-ways.
1. Pianoteq problem again while trying to save some old data. Well, my pianos have been saved. This is very important because they are like my babies and represent times and places in my development and they remind me of people and places and conversations and stuff I was going through. Sometimes I would just make a piano to FEEL better.

2. I am going to have a graham crackers shaped like tiny rabbits. Because I can.
3. I’m out at my Tuesday night writers group again. I’m proud of this, because this is something that I I’ve been doing that is consistent and that is special and tasty. I don’t know if “tasty” applies here; but we’re going to go with it.
4. Have you ever reached an impasse with a friend? Well, I have reached an impasse with this particular friend so many times that the restaurant that we used to meet at when we were younger with firmer complexions has turned into a hipster space station and moved down the road. I’d go in there, but I am afraid that the smell of TIGI and pretention would choke every shred of energy I have regained from me. Yes, every precious SHRED of energy that I have refound and will clutch to my bosom before my doctor has figured out that I have ripped myself off cholesterol medicine and thrust its evil presence from my wrecked body.
5. I’m a tad drama today. Expect more typing.
6. I think I’m slowly finding my fan base. I’ve been hunting them down. I have, of course, been saying this for years of beers, and the 6-8 people who have OPT-ed-ed-IN are tired of my megalomaniacal claims I am sure. They are people like me. But the regular channels of the Getting of the Attention … it doesn’t WORK that way. I can’t be all MERCHY with these people. I can’t jump up and down with pom-poms and clever hooks and drag them out to gigs and send them to my bandcamp.
7. My husband, who apparently although he has a job cannot be bothered to actually code or anything (#pokeymirthlystuff) has figured out that Vinny the Geriatric Kitteh is between 84 and 90ish years of age in human years. Before we dragged him back inside, he was having a vigorous, non-consensual “dating” life with Domina – who I am assuming is between 50 and 60. I am thinking that perhaps a crotchety (yes, I am aware that I have enjoyed typing that word before) .. old man cat could have been rather useful last night as Get-the-Hell-Off-My-Porching those Raccoons last night. More likely he would have just sat there allowing the powers that flea to take his love and take his land. Animals are jerks.
8. Anyway, about my fanz-with-a-Lolcat-inspired-“z” … they are people of the night. Unless they aren’t; and they feel more jaunty during the afternoon or for breakfast or elevenzees. Sometimes they are practical people who like to make crafty items with funny ears. Sometimes they aren’t weird for the sake of being weird. Actually, they never are. They’re just themselves. They just move around, heads cocked to the sides- funny half smiles at the ready. They don’t have the squinky look on their face that I imagine the majority of people make when they are reading my blog. Or perhaps I am giving myself too much credit and I think it is terribly Roman Tick to imagine myself velvet caped in my dungeon of delights playing my creepy basement organ.
9. that is not what she said.
10. I’ve missed blogging. I promise I will not get all creepy.
11. We are inDEED moving to a new location and it does not have a creepy basement for a creepy organ. There are probably about 3-4 basements in the whole city of Austin because of all the limestone. It’s really too bad because I bet it would be nice and cool and cavey down there.
12. OOOOO! I forgot all about CAVES!
12.5 -> I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve lacked confidence. I’ve need LOTS of reassurance. I USED to be like that, but I trained out of it. I think that this is because I got sick, and being sick is scary and hurty and vulnerable.

Well, no more! When you realize that you are in the bottom of a dank, dank, stinky hole then you have to look up and see the gleaming taco stand at the top and crawl back out. I have stuff to do. I’m not even going to link it. I’m not even going to BLOG RESPONSIBLY. You’ll all just have to wait because

HERE IS A DEN LIST:
A. I have either TWO or THREE songs to write. I’m hedging about the third because I am not sure if it is needed, wanted, or necessary. It’s become almost a philisophical connundrum at this point.

B. I SHOULD start with the song that I know I have, but for some reason doing the most difficult thing is what I crave, because if I can do it; that means that I have my stuff under control
C. There is not any more. For that is all.

hay-hay.

ps. sorry for mistigacakes. We have to go someplace and I don’t have the time to spell-chalk this up properliciously.

Overlord-in-Training

1. interesting discussion on Facebook about how the gentle manipulation of humans may be a positive thing…hmmm. I will get back to you on this.
2. I have two tasks to complete. Then there will be NO EXCUSE not to move on to the FINAL FRONTIERS of ROOM CLEANSING and COMPUTER DOMINATION…
3. my bathroom is atrocious. I’m seriously from a poisonous species. You do not want to know me. No. Get out. I am serious. It’s better this way……(cue sadViolins)
4. I’m thinking of avoiding the Internet but that actually feels ill-advised and irresponsible. Addictive Internet behavior and compulsive negativity does not mean one needs to quit blogging and withdraw one’s President-ence. I just need to go back to the practicing.
5. I have a thought that I might like to bake this weekend, so that Cake-like-Birthday-product may be had. Also Birthday boy (birthdays last a week!) will get to pick his dessert..
6. We are going on a barbecue trip tomorrow (Saturday). We’ll most likely make a video as well 🙂 we haven’t done that in forever. I know I keep saying that, but No! I mean it!, and it is True! …you mark my words … you mark my words …
7. I will now take a short pause to rub my hands together nefariously. I will take a photograph of myself doing so, ever mindful of the fact that on Twitter we are talking mildly about Narcisstic ReTweeting. When I am Queen, we shall retweet EVERYTHING I decree. Even my BLINKING shall be reTWEETABLE.
8. Calm down. OMG…I’m totally KIDDING. I have no idea what kind of mood I’m in …but NO…everytime I type something into Twit-deck, I do NOT require an advertisement for a magic iPhizzle. No THANK you, green-egg-icon-space-bot. Gettenzie-a-life!!!!!
Here is my Fetching Series of Photographs, oh People of the Screen….gaze and B A-Mazed.

(Really, I just end up laughing at my own stupidity at the end, as my Hatched Plan does not come to Fruition.)

[LATER EDIT…. did I spell “narcisscisstictytic wrong? Probobably. Oh whale. This is the way the detergent gets in our cherry soda. Flarg.]

HAPPY V-DAY: Confessions -a list

1. It’s Valentines Day. It’s tempting to be angry.
2. I am married to a wonderful man and he makes me very happy and very disgusted and very angry and we have been together for over 13 years. That’s a long time.
20120311-180842.jpg20120311-180412.jpg
3. Thirteen is a really unlucky number. This is what my songwriting partner of Billy and the Psychotics and I have agreed upon. We have not written a song in three rounds. This makes me (and I think him) really sort of blue – but we don’t have time for that: me because I’m behind on so much stuff including exciting things for other people. I don’t have any business mooning over music which has been making me happy and thrilling my soul because it’s easy to write and rocks in five minutes or less. We will be back to it when the list scrolls back to the top. At the end of this day and especially the end of this week things are going to get a lot easier for me.
4. All of my silliness this year has messed up my other music making because I have actually sat in front of other open projects and thought through the thousands of other upsetting things that could go wrong interpersonally JUST LIKE what has previously happened to me and so have shut down my software and lain down to do nothing or watch stupid YouTube videos of seventeen people playing one accordion or whatever. Because I am sure that disaster of epic proportion is lurking around every corner. You have to be a pretty big screw-up to flitz out of as many situations as I have. I’m having to add other limbs to count the mistakes that Have Been Made 😦 yeah, it increases my songwriting opps. So what?! Yes, I’ve written MANY tunes and made them into Cryptic Relationship Numbers too. Whatevermonkey……
5. Although 13 is an unlucky number, I know that Mike and I can make it through because we have done it before. That doesn’t mean that people who don’t and can’t aren’t as good as us or that if we don’t for some reason that we aren’t as good as them. I hope we will always be as close as we are now. Mike is the best man that I know, that’s for sure.
6. I cried a lot in the Spintunes listening party last night. I know other people understood the emotionality of some of that – and I appreciate that.
7. I’m especially glad for a couple of my friends right now and Am trying to pull myself out of this rut quickly so I can work.
8. Tonight we are having a very romantic dinner with my stepfather and my brother and sister in law and we are going to watch funny Internet videos and be glad to be in one another’s company and that we are happy and have a good family that survives and loves each other.

I should also call my father, simply because he is my dad; and it’s Valentine’s Day…

8. I’ve taken a lot of hits over the past year and yes, it’s true; almost died of a broken hearty-depression thing. I know that sounds really Lady-of-Cooking-Onions… But I DID lose over thirty pounds and languish in secret while having to pretend everything was Peachy-Keen-Jellybean and this suited the whole situation to a Capitol T, actually; allowing it to flourish and run amok. I still am a polite creature and wormholes will unravel if I get into things. Sometimes the best way to show love is to walk the earth appearing as though you are a silly, easy-to-Snow Ninny-of-a-Chit. It may kill to think of folks sauntering around laughing at your “ignorance” and fist bumping in the air at the nefarious things that can be accomplished behind a back as STUPID as yours (yours-being-mine); but you let it happen knowing the whole time who and what you’re dealing with … and you do this out of love. For if the deflation of a poofy ego is going to beef up my self worth for the space of an afternoon but not really do much good in the long run…who cares? What good is that? Doesn’t good prevail in the end anyway? Isn’t karma, queen … when you get down to tass bracks?

This is probably why I married who I did. Because Mike and I have been dealing with “who ME?!?!?!?!……..{cute simpering eyelash bat}” people for as long as we’ve known one another and can Spot the Fake from Lands Away.

So our stories ARE complicated but really they are about dying friendships and having to give up the luxury of our naïveté. It’s sad to be so wrong about myself and the effect I have on people and how my music in particular effects people and the Way Things Work. And I know Mike has felt this way about his own efforts with people before. It’s sad to want to give up. But both he and I are not give-up-py people.

I talked to Mike about this last night and I got a bit snuffaluffuguffy. I think I will always be sensitive and I will always be a dumb little Xondorian who is prone to getting her hair dyed pink and who finds out about reality at the last second. Far too late. WAY after everyone else does.

If this makes me stupid, so be it. I know that I still have a tendency to love and to care too much and to buy into things and to Over-Hope and that I’ll probably cry again. Lots. I’ll cry about this for a long time.

I over invest and I over share and I over hope. I’m not independent and I’m not all that strong and I need lots of help.

But I survive after being burned each and every time.

I INVENTED that $#%^

And really, I am a glass half exploded person. I have love, and I have support. People are catching on, and bothering, and getting it. I just don’t choose to see it because it is risky and I don’t want to lose it if I believe it. I think if I relax into genuine admiration and something that is nice that it will vanish! And then … hurt. I see a comparable career I like and I start to make strides toward it and I second guess every step I make in the right direction. There has to be some OTHER reason for the success. Because I’m damaged. It can’t just be because I’ve worked hard and am a professional. And I can’t live like this anymore. Too much drama….I’m getting too old for this fomtroolery……

Perhaps I shall travel again; and meet some of my new fans some day. Then after I have met these four to eight mysterious people, I shall go home and make mac-n-cheese. Haha. Just kidding, of course!

I am very grateful for them. I am thinking that in the next couple years that I WILL start playing again. It may be start-stop once again, like always. I may meet another person who overwhelms me and promises help and friendship and to take the burdens away only to become dependent upon them and only to have them leave me with pieces left undone and questions about what I do next left unanswered in my mind. But this happens to me and honestly it is part of my artistic process; I’ve come to understand. A cycle of need, cooperation, indulgence, over-involvement, light-betrayal, and then separation. And the I dramatize things (or am painted as doing such!) and go on alone.

Then, years later, when I am free, the past comes back to knock upon my door. And of course I don’t recognize it. I smell it and it’s been marked by its own oddness so I cannot let it in. That’s how things work. All I can do is try my best to be gracious because I truly do not understand how some people actually believe that time stops in rooms that are left in the past behind shut doors – as if animation suspends in a vintage past like an instagram photo…..

I am thankful for my husband, and not afraid or ashamed of the chances we have taken or the honesty we have experienced or the trust we’ve put in one another. It’s been rewarded. When most others have turned away, it’s been rewarded. And he tells me who knows? things could work out for me and we could still succeed despite our wildest expectations at all we want to do!!!

We are VERY lucky that we drink good coffee.

#damnthisblogisemo …..

stream of conscious-blog

1. Oh holy cows. It is:

EIGHTY NINE DEGREES FARENHEIT!!!

(for you eager beevers over in places where they use the Metrick System and feel that we are quite quaint and silly, that equals:

31.666 CELULOID.
(or whatever)

2. Yes. I am being silly, with my funny words and stuff. But just listen to my congenial mood! How I giggle because I almost typed congenial moose. How I made a wish for you cuz it’s 11:11 am. Yeah, you. And you. And YOU! I get to do that!

There’s a breeze.

3. I’m in a hair salon. My husband is receiving a haircut. Yesterday my mood was so bad I thought I was honestly going to die. Moods are SO WEIRD. I really hate this thing in my head. I swear sometimes it’s going to beat me. I really am a very lucky individual, with everything I need.

It’s like putting a 6 year old in a Ferrari.
Yeah. I do think I’m a pretty fast car. And I’ll crash myself one day.
4. Speaking of weirdo little children, theres a boy sitting across from me with his shirt pulled over his head and arms stuck in his sleeves. He has made himself look like a pair of jeans with sandals and a shirt with just a mop of hair and no arms. Maybe he is just cold. I wanted to take a photo. But you can’t randomly photograph people’s children even if they are doing something amazingly cute and funny because people will think you are creepy. It’s really kinda too bad.
Jeepers! This kid looks just like my husband did when he was a kid, and real similar to a friend of mine too! Weird.

The next person I hang out with hopefully will look nothing like me.

5. I remember once I was in a band with a youngyoung guy. He was beautiful, in his 20s. Very slim, delicate features, longish hair.
REALLY tall like Eric Northman TrueBlood tall!!!

I thought, dude! I’m singing with the vampire Lestat!

6. They are playing REM in here and it is making me think of high school.

7. It just switched to ‘Wipe Out,’ or I thought it did. Quite a lot of rock drumming is really just trying to copy the raw, innocent energy of ‘Wipe Out.’

I was thinking of getting something here, but I already have enough girly crud to put in my hair…
🙂

ps. METAL! KILLSWITCH!
pps. BlueStarCafe!
ppps. this week I am buying some Reeses PB cereal. Dunno why this is important.
pppps. Mike thinks the Type O Negative that came on was random, bur NOTHING is Random… NOTHING!!!
ppppps. right into ‘Land Down Under.’ And he’s screwing up the words? Really? REALLY?!?!? And dancing in the car. Embarrassing me. Dude…..
pppppps. He also can’t drive. Nope.

I had something else to say but can’t remember what it was:
Oh yeah. It was tagging. I’m gonna tag the heck outta this today. Sigh. Borrrrrinnnng. *eyeroll*

EDIT: three stupid mistakes that were funny found upon reread. They made me giggle though. I almost kept them in in brackets after I corrected them cuz they’re funny. But I didn’t cuz I’m so professional 😉

“Must be Nice” or … ‘First World Problems’

I went out on a sudden and unexpected date with my husband because we needed to talk. Upon my return, I started thinking of Valentine’s Day, and remembered a post half written. I finished it and dolled it up tonight. It was a promise to a friend.

I have a lot of those I need to come through on in the next couple months.

*******

It’s a common thing you hear from bitter folks who either don’t want to spend money on Feb 13th, overworked waitspersons getting lousy tips because of the high incidence of restaurant drama, or other single people who look at you as if you are the one who instigated their last eight breakups with your fourth finger poison ring.

“Valentines Day is a day made up by a greeting card company to sell schmoopy stuff to the lovelorn” … or whatever. “The Hallmark Greeting Card company made it up …”

Stuff like that.

My husband and I don’t celebrate it. We had one picnic, one time, packed a little hamper and a bottle of Verve Clicquot and cheeses and stuff you’d get when you were in Napa when you go to that little grocer with the Rabbit on the sign before you drive out. We were very Upper Middle Class Countryside. We looked like we were doing a holiday the RIGHT way. I had done the correct prep as a wife; like something out of Real Simple magazine. I ROCKED. I was Beyond Reproach. Be very jealous, the string quartet reminded everyone.

Back in the real world, I had done what is known as “marrying well.” I married for love, but he liked computers (and me). The WHOLE WORLD likes computers though, and people who know stuff about computers get paid. Meanwhile, in Austin, you can’t throw a rock without hitting a songwriter, and even though I have heaps of theoretically marketable skills – I market myself about like this:

“hey, see this booger? it’s gonna play a show tonight. it doesn’t really feel like singing, but you’d be real surprised at the work it’s done lately. plus.. it’s a singing BOOGER. That’s got to count for something, right? I mean.. no one wants to LOOK at a booger… ” {trails off apologetically}

So it’s a good thing that I have a husband (you know, for the Marketable Skills – plus, his accent, although dwindling, amuses me), but other musicians in Austin are not so lucky and must do things like sling coffee, or secretarial skills, or their boobs, or computer skills (sling ’em if you’ve got em!) around.

I used to sling cigars, but that got to be complex for many reasons. Also husband enjoys cigars and having his wife sell them to him in his place of leisure is sorta lame. It rocked though. As much as jobs that aren’t me writing or playing music do and can.

Because the people were interesting, and I have no interest in staying at home, waiting for the next Hallmark Holliday to roll around so I can get my kiss from K.

Anyway, back to hallmark.

My marriage is good, and fun, and has lots of Perks that are not just about being able to not toss and turn wondering where the next two squares of ramen are coming from. But there are things that are not so much fun. We have to deal with:
1. I get sick a lot
2. being very private people and the joys and sometimes scrutinies this brings/has brought to our relationships
3. the inequity of having a marriage where one person feels completely and totally financially superfluous- because it’s true
4. hearing THAT PHRASE

“ooooooo … must be nice…”

The phrase “must be nice” could actually be collectively applied to everyone who lives here – from shore to shore. Actually, I’m not even really sure if that’s true. If you are currently reading this and you have a knife at your throat and are being raped… first of all, what the hell? Why are you reading my blog at a time like this? I never knew I had such a dedicated reader! I REALLY DO need to stop all this bitching! Is there anything I can do to help YOU!?

So it’s all relative, really, to the people in the other countries I forgot to mention because I was distracted by my hypothetical almost-maybe-rape-victim-reader who I don’t know how to help because I am too busy complaining about my problems. (that was horrible. but you get my point here… apologies for my bluntness.
I’m having First World Problems.)

Now. Comparing.

We have a RIGHT to complain about our problems. I’m sorry, but we do. Anytime we feel bad or scared or cold or depressed – I’m sorry folks, but that’s real.

We used to attend a church and we went and did some missonary work. For three months our lives became completely simplified (so we thought, that is another story). We had only what we carried with us in backpacks. We started to leave STUFF behind and give things away. There was very little bathing and eating dwindled down to a thing you did to get energy. Good yummy tastes were really poignant. A blessing.

This was before 9/11, so no one was looking at Americans with open hostility. I felt, loved. Cherished. My sister-in-law and a close guy friend of mine went to Egypt while my husband and another guy went to Jordan and while we were there in a weird part of town .. I felt something. I felt this curiosity. From one person.


I did not discuss this with anyone. There was a language barrier. But I felt as though there was this KNOWING that our lives were very complicated. That we had a bunch of CRAP to sort through. That where life was simpler, life could be lived more simply. And I don’t know much, but I know that things are CERTAINLY not that way in America.

I am not going to go into that thing where I start in on us and get on my soapbox about our pills and our therapists. I think every society should have access to medical care and doctors and professionals.

WARNING: This is rated PG-13 to R for language, but is a FANTASTIC video… and has a GREAT message.

Back to the concept though. Of these “First World Problems”

No. Life is not always nice. My week has not been fine. My LIFE has not been fine. It’s been circumstantially blessed though. And this I know. I have lost quite a bit in the last year or two, and a whole lot in the last four years – but many people go through these hits, it’s part of life. Humans the world over grieve. My cousin works in the medical field and she was talking about some of the devastating things that she sees. Yes. This did inspire me to be better.

But dying women think of chocolate and coffee. And dying men talk about loves lost and found. And all you can do is connect with people and be on the same side.

A good friend of mine that I respect and for all practical purposes, it’s look like I’ve blown him off for other things – wrote a song. He’s written several amazing songs. But this is one of my top two favorites. It’s actually CALLED ‘First World Problems.’

I owe him a Watermelon Video. I haven’t forgotten. That’s not a first world problem, but it’s a first world solution.

That, and some lists, and a better attitude and a good honest assessment of my real human problems – with some time to grieve them as I do my work and shy from wallowing; is a start.

Thanks Travis.

“don’t mean to sound ungrateful
Everyone will need to forgive me
But do we ever stop merely surviving
And actually start living…

Start living.”

-from ‘First World Problems’ Governing Dynamics

(the cartoon is from Gary Larsen’s ‘Far Side’ comic series; and was copied from a blog. It is most likely NOT in the public domain, so I encourage you to go to your bookstore or amazon or someplace like that and buy as many books by this artist as you possibly can because he is a genius.)

so lucky

I feel lucky today, or blessed, or whatever.

I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have any problems. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have a very confusing life. Sometimes I feel really lost sometimes.

Mike and I don’t celebrate valentines day. We’re probably just going to make pasta and watch TV. We used to throw parties and do things with and/or for our single friends. We tried to celebrate once or twice. We are not a traditionally “romantic” couple. We had a couple of years of that sort of thing. You change over the years, if you are in a very long term relationship with someone. I am not sure what we will be like eight years from now, which will be the twentieth year of marriage. It’s a strange thought. I hope I’ll have more substantial, real world asset to bring to the table. I feel like maybe I will.

I feel thankful today.

We keep a lot of secrets, him and I. Other people’s and our own. He’s got his own things that he does and I don’t pry. We have mutual respect for one another. He supports my pursuit of success in this “thing” I’m trying to do – whatever it turns out to be. I am slowly piecing it together. It looks and evolves differently every day.

The word evolve has love in it. It’s hard NOT to notice this when you are typing that.

I have not been focusing on my own solo things much lately. I need to make some changes in that vein. But this does not bother me that much. And there are many reasons for this.

1. I have been Not Well, and am only now starting to emerge from it.
2. I have to continue to take things slowly
3. I am going to have to build back up to where I was on a lot of my material, especially the piano
4. I’m going to have to reconstruct contacts and a lot of my fanbase, especially the real people fanbase.
5. Honestly, I’ve been trying to make Duality stick, because I need it to work.

Why do I need this to work? Is this a question that I am supposed to answer? Is it anyone’s business? Is it even MY business? What is the difference between the work that we’re doing and what my own stuff looks like? What’s the difference between one of his tracks, one of my tracks and a Duality track? What’s the difference between the two of us? What are we making? Is it worth saving? Is it worth growing?

The tracks we seem to like the most, that resonate the most; are the ones that other people have the least amount of feeling for. Or that have been criticized the most in the contests. Things that have been debated around a bit. Maybe this has been time constraints. Production. This sounds familiar to me because of how my first Spintunes contest went. The one where I fizzed out in the third round.

I think maybe this is not just a Duality thing, but this is something that affected Joe because of me. This routinely happens to me a lot, because I often like tracks that are not understood by others. I was talking to a friend in our artificion community tonight and told her that I had 4 strong songs, no make that five with Joe. I really think it might be more like seven if you count Duality in there. But those aren’t necessarily my favorite.

I really like the instrumentals that I do and that is what I wanted to do when I was young. I wanted to compose. Conduct. Control orchestras. Make them do what I wanted. I see extras on movie box sets, the soundtrack portions; and I get jealous. I think that should be me up there, doing that… if these series of stupid things hadn’t happened… it so WOULD have been…

Anyway …
‘Triangle.’ Would that have been a Denise Hudson track with a sampled guitar (ft. Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb)? No. I wouldn’t have put it out that way. We have other stuff coming up that might be things we do ourselves that we’d use each other on. I used Joe on my taco track (he didn’t like it) … but he didn’t even HEAR ‘Triangle’ until the listening party – I arranged the entire thing. Methodology-wise, very much a Denise-Hudson track. But it went to Duality, because of the way that he put together his guitar track, completely experimental, not done “correctly” recorded from far-away, with a new amplifier … just a jam, with a pick..

I am not sure what makes something a Duality track except that I feel that we have a mission. It’s a place to do things we can’t do alone. We are talking about freedom, and love, and fear, and sadness … we want to hit things that one would normally avoid, perhaps. We go on a bit too long. We are a bit too epic or soaring or lengthy. Saying things that are a little uncomfortable. The lyrics are a bit too abstract. Or they cut right through. I dunno. There is no chorus. Other comments about some of the silly things that we’ve done… but everything smooshes together somehow – sometimes by accident – in purpose. It’s weird.

I don’t know that I’ll ever write a story of a song about any of our tunes. I might about ‘Triangle’ just because it is so interesting and I was so sad and it helped so, so much. I know I will probably revamp ‘St. Andrews.’ I may work really hard one day to pull out a perfect performance of ‘End of the World.’ I am already doing these types of things for ‘Invisible Girl’ and I’m trying to learn a live version of ‘Duality Cupcake.’

That is all I have to say.

Static Cling

I’m gearing up for something so I thought I’d just get organized and write something now. Maybe I’ll stick this on the internet and maybe I won’t. I’m getting pretty sick of myself, that’s for sure. Something has changed inside me, that’s for sure.

I am a person who likes to hide and likes things quietly to be loud. I like to hide in the chaos of things. It helps me to decide on courses of action so slowly that they don’t really feel like firm decisions at all. But I don’t really DO a thing until I have made a committment. Not until a proclamation has been made. I wasn’t married until I GOT married. I don’t go on a trip until I get in the car and back out of the driveway, or wheels lift into the plane, or the boat pulls away from the dock. I’m not out of the audience and performing and seperate from one world into the next until the chords have ushered me into the song and I’ve started to sing. And even then, during all of these seemingly permanent things, I am negotiating escape strategies. Maybe except for the last scenario. I am pretty impervious to sabotage-y thought in performance. Maybe because I don’t get traditional performance anxiety.

I think I’ve been dragging my feet on some of my projects that need doing because I am scared of the next phase of things. This has happened before in my artistic development. I think I am scared of striking out and I am afraid of change. I think that my next bit of change is going to involve being more improvisatory and it’s going to involve being more of an individual. I think that I am scared to really OWN it.

I think that I am in that “waiting for something” phase of rest and that is never a healthy place for me. There is too much time to think. Too much time to think is NEVER a good thing for me. This is why lists (and I don’t mean my bloggity type), are so very important to me.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I don’t like little sayings like these. But there is a reason that things become rote. It’s because there is a certain truth to them. I am an easy believer of things that feel good, and I want things to turn out for the best. I will run from a challenge and an oppurtunity for growth because I don’t want to hurt. But at some point, I will suck it up, and go back to the climbing wall. I’ll see a sitch for what it is. I’ll slap myself across the face. And I’ll climb up and over and onto the next thing.

Because I’ve been sitting inside my house for too long and staring out the window thinking destiny is coming for me. It’s not. I have to go out and make destiny. And I have to stay on my toes. Because eventually, every single thing I do gets old and loses its effectiveness. Every video, every photo, every song, every lyric, every blog, every poem, every piece of me. This is the nature of things, if you choose the internet.

This is why if you don’t take time for yourself, you become that reactionary soulless blob that lately, I’ve started to recognize in the mirror. And there’s nothing less sexy than the desperate.

Maybe it’s just over-stimulation. Both in real-time and imaginary. Something to think about as I sit here staring at my gnomes and my monkey. Yeah. I have a monkey. He’s chubby and grey and lives on my table.

Maybe if I finish compiling NaNoWriMo I’ll get another gnome.

Just because you’re paranoid / don’t mean @Hodgman’s not after you…

1. I have had a Hell of a Week…
2. There have been a few people who have really helped me.
3. Things at home are doing okay.
4. My relationships that are closest to me, you know… like my marraige and stuff, are doing well and we’re communicating and all that good stuff.
5. Me and Randall are doing pretty well and I’m starting to get the house done. The deadline for the studio and the house being sorted out by my birthday is looking feasible.
6. Things in Duality are doing well and Joe and I are running a pretty tight ship. He is helping me and is VERY understanding…
7. I have good friends who care, both offline AND especially right now Online… and a GREAT online community that I’m part of…

All this is good right now, because:
8. Things inside Denise are NOT doing okay. My body is trying to destroy itself from the inside out, and if it has its way it will do its fair well best to ruin all the good things I have built.
9. My medicine has reached epic proportions of stupidity. Right now I have this ridicu-rash that makes me feel like some kind of leprous mutant.
10. I am also hallucinating slightly. I didn’t want to say this because it makes me sound a little insane… but:

11. I am afraid that I am going to get on a blog, or on Twitter, or on some other thing, and say something insane, like that the aliens have invaded, or that my husband is a zombie, or that Joe and I are going to go to the capitol and take over the government because we have just written a song about international sandwich spread that is going to change the nation even though he is not an American citizen, or that my feet have turned purple, or that Randall has invented an edible microphone and while I was sleeping he’s installed it in my stomach so that I am afraid to eat anything… or some paranoid crap like that.

See how insane I sound?!

This is why I decided to get off Twitter until I had gotten it “All Done.”

But I don’t know that isolation is necesscelery the best thing for me. Or minding my Ps and Qs as the Successful Musicians that I have Come to Admire do.

I think that what I will do is just continue to behave poorly as I do and hope that my insanity will continue to entertain.

I had an artifiction list that I didn’t post and was going to put in my NaNoWriMo project. I think I’ll release it. Rather than deleting my artifiction account, as I was thinking of doing earlier because I thought that it was being monitored and people were going to read my lists and bring Trouble to the Site.

This is about how it was when I got so freaky that I had to skip the moleman round of Song Fu Five because John Hodgman was on TV and commericals and other stuff all week and I thought he was stalking me mentally and I got very paranoid. So I did these vuh-blogs about how it was all a conspiracy and a sign and stuff and decided it would be better to avoid the whole thing.

Later I wrote the Beatrice Knifetongue song; but I was convinced that he was on some radio brain frequency trying to influence my decisions, because I had written my customary six or seven songs! It’s hard when you think celebrities are stalking you. I hope that a real celebrity NEVER stalks me because I am actually crazy and they so actually could probably succeed at doing it and no one would ever believe my protestations because my paranoia is well known!

See how silly it all is?

Ack,
Denise