i am exhausted. completely poured-out, turned upside out and nothing is left. that done.
i wanted to do a lot of things this weekend. i missed a party and a rehearsal. i finally, physically, couldn’t get off the couch. before that, I couldn’t get out of bed.
i am actually quite seriously not doing well. it is really not appropriate to elaborate.
I have plenty to do. Quite honestly, if you don’t see me doing just as “well” as people in the entertainment industry who are stylistically and ball-park comparable to me; then my work for the day isn’t done. More practice, more recording, more blogging, more whatever-I-need-to-do to get over myself to get moving on my set of trajectories.
There are people who don’t have the choices I do. It’s frustrating to have a choice in front of me that I don’t have the energy to make. It’s frustrating not to control my own brain. It’s frustrating that this is real and that it isolates you and makes you alone. It frustrates me that it doesn’t matter who you gather in and who you end up with – if you are one of these True Mental people, events around you will twist to the purposes of keeping you in a crazy vortex of stupid. It is almost like people will catch your disease and you will not be able to get out of it.
It’s easy to blame the “crazy.” The crazy makes me this way. I am not responsible for my choices, my feelings even, because I am crazy. It’s easy for other people to blame the crazy. They say and do things to you that they would never do to normal people. You can’t say anything about it, who would believe a crazy person? You crazily allowed yourself to get into this mess!
This is a full time job that is making me look and feel ridiculous and I’d just like to tell it to go away now. I’m done, okay?
But it IS you. I mean me. Whatever. Even things that seem like choices. Nothing makes sense. Everything takes on a fake significance that pulls you into a sea of justifications. This is how “crazy” people think. This is what keeps crazy people in bed. Waiting to repair the friendships. Waiting to charm their way back into the job. Waiting to salvage the situation of the series of idiot things that led to blowing off one cool opportunity after another. Trying to restage once-in-a-lifetime perfect moments that were wasted because of Dumb Crap. Waiting for the perfect moment to unveil the book, to submit the poem. Waiting for the perfect moment to finally audition. Waiting for the perfect moment to start booking gigs. To breathe so that grocery shopping can Commence because the lighting has to be perfect in case Panic Ensues.
Thinking that things are going to change. One little trigger event is the sign that it takes for it all to come crashing down. Is that just an excuse? Who cares. It Is.
But guess what? The events are not going to stop.
I am starting to think that perhaps SANE people have better filters than me. Maybe like an immune system, really.
A friend of mine has a kid and she had a cut. Just a cut on her finger. She supposedly washed it, but she is in an American public high school and you know how these things go. It didn’t take long and the next day she had this infection spreading up her arm. Her arm had changed colors, it was just travelling up… it wanted her heart. It had found her circulatory system. They pumped her full of antibiotics and it calmed down. My friend said, “if we’d lived long ago, she would have died.”
I am going to die if I don’t get a better filtration system. My body will turn on itself. Actively. And there will be residual aftermath, like radiation or something. Other people will be left over thinking “what the hell just happened?” And it wouldn’t be anything other than Just Not Handling things well. And that is nobody’s problem but my own. People are not going to change. They are going to continue to do the same crazy-making things that they have always done. Hell, it may escalate when I least need it to. *I* have to build up my “body.” I have to live right.
Part of the problem is that I am in that place where what I want to do for myself is so far beyond what my brain is telling me I HAVE to do that I want to close my eyes and sleep forever. And I have no energy to leap over or through the have to-s to the reward of those want-tos. This is not constructive.
I don’t know what will happen now, but I think what it will look like is me doing things to take care of myself. I do not know how long this will take. But I’m going to be laying low for a while and I think it’s just going to take as long as it takes. If you read this, and anyone happens to ask, that’s what happened. I can’t imagine it’ll be logged that I’m off anyplace, but I’ve had friends that Care tell me that I am in communities and I have responsibilities to say “hey, I’m just going off to think a bit.”
It’s not real “denise”-y of me to do this. but i love you. so i’m doing it. i’ll see you later.