Hi again.

This is a photo of something bloggish and relaxing so that your eyes are not bored. I saw it when I had a lunch break from doing something exciting.

Is that cryptic? I’m really sorry. I’ve gotten really burnt out on the internet and social media in general. I cold blame a lot of things. The political climate just…everywhere. The general level of discourse. Cyber overcrowding. My basic moodiness. But I’ve been good and fine and happy and stuff. Just normal me. And I’ve been busy and the things I used to complain about here are mostly mischiefmanaged and all that.

I’m not ready to get into specifics. I’m really just kind of feeling “why”ish and lazy about it. I want to do the stuff that might get me paid and/or that promises emotional or experience payoffs that benefit me or people I care for in some way. I don’t want to type into a vacuum. But there was something that this blogging did for me. I’m trying to remember it. Maybe when I do and I can form a sentence about that, I will do more of it. Stay tuna-ed…

#nobodybelievesthis

#untilnextyearthen…

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Hi again.

quick one.

1. My weight is fluctuating, and I feel like a gas planet. nobody needs this information, but you have it nonetheless.
2. I have leeks I need to cook. They will go in a soup with potatoes that (which?, who?, whom? potato? poTAH-toe?) could be more polite.
3. I’m still feeling bad about beginning the blog in this way. I feel bad about my lack of internet behavior. My life has been pretty awkward lately. But I feel like the internet and I are these old exes that are meeting at a fancy dress party. We have a fairly cordial relationship and have the same mutual friends so we really need to get along. There’s no reason to dislike one another either. But I really don’t like the way he’s been behaving lately and sometimes the way he (my ex, Internet McMashonnaheugh) conducts himself is pretty piss-poor. But all of my friends think he is the bees knees and their relationships with him are really important and they remind me of the great things he and I used to do together when we were good friends and they totally think I should forget the BS that is in the past and stop focusing on the negativity and my tendency to use really, really, really bad ex-boyfriend metaphors. So I’ll do that.
4. Dude I’m like so meta. Also, it’s really charming that I’m being all hipster-y and colloquial all up in this blog. Yo.
5. It’s been agreed that nobody thinks I sound cool or like Mr. T when I talk like this. I don’t even remember Mr. T saying “yo.” I think only pirates said “yo.” I actually looked up Walking the Plank the other day after watching ‘Hook’ and it sounds really screwed up and I don’t know why we celebrate this in our culture like it’s this big party trick. I don’t want cannonballs tied to my ankles so that I can die in the sea. That’s messed up!
6. I need more coffee except I don’t. I’m also noticing I don’t have many new tricks and I really, really, really need to get some. For now yeah … I’ll get my things and go.

I will be back later. I know. Nobody believes. 🙂

quick one.

If You Are Crazy …

i am exhausted. completely poured-out, turned upside out and nothing is left. that done.
i wanted to do a lot of things this weekend. i missed a party and a rehearsal. i finally, physically, couldn’t get off the couch. before that, I couldn’t get out of bed.

i am actually quite seriously not doing well. it is really not appropriate to elaborate.

I have plenty to do. Quite honestly, if you don’t see me doing just as “well” as people in the entertainment industry who are stylistically and ball-park comparable to me; then my work for the day isn’t done. More practice, more recording, more blogging, more whatever-I-need-to-do to get over myself to get moving on my set of trajectories.

There are people who don’t have the choices I do. It’s frustrating to have a choice in front of me that I don’t have the energy to make. It’s frustrating not to control my own brain. It’s frustrating that this is real and that it isolates you and makes you alone. It frustrates me that it doesn’t matter who you gather in and who you end up with – if you are one of these True Mental people, events around you will twist to the purposes of keeping you in a crazy vortex of stupid. It is almost like people will catch your disease and you will not be able to get out of it.

It’s easy to blame the “crazy.” The crazy makes me this way. I am not responsible for my choices, my feelings even, because I am crazy. It’s easy for other people to blame the crazy. They say and do things to you that they would never do to normal people. You can’t say anything about it, who would believe a crazy person? You crazily allowed yourself to get into this mess!

This is a full time job that is making me look and feel ridiculous and I’d just like to tell it to go away now. I’m done, okay?

But it IS you. I mean me. Whatever. Even things that seem like choices. Nothing makes sense. Everything takes on a fake significance that pulls you into a sea of justifications. This is how “crazy” people think. This is what keeps crazy people in bed. Waiting to repair the friendships. Waiting to charm their way back into the job. Waiting to salvage the situation of the series of idiot things that led to blowing off one cool opportunity after another. Trying to restage once-in-a-lifetime perfect moments that were wasted because of Dumb Crap. Waiting for the perfect moment to unveil the book, to submit the poem. Waiting for the perfect moment to finally audition. Waiting for the perfect moment to start booking gigs. To breathe so that grocery shopping can Commence because the lighting has to be perfect in case Panic Ensues.

Thinking that things are going to change. One little trigger event is the sign that it takes for it all to come crashing down. Is that just an excuse? Who cares. It Is.

But guess what? The events are not going to stop.

I am starting to think that perhaps SANE people have better filters than me. Maybe like an immune system, really.

A friend of mine has a kid and she had a cut. Just a cut on her finger. She supposedly washed it, but she is in an American public high school and you know how these things go. It didn’t take long and the next day she had this infection spreading up her arm. Her arm had changed colors, it was just travelling up… it wanted her heart. It had found her circulatory system. They pumped her full of antibiotics and it calmed down. My friend said, “if we’d lived long ago, she would have died.”

I am going to die if I don’t get a better filtration system. My body will turn on itself. Actively. And there will be residual aftermath, like radiation or something. Other people will be left over thinking “what the hell just happened?” And it wouldn’t be anything other than Just Not Handling things well. And that is nobody’s problem but my own. People are not going to change. They are going to continue to do the same crazy-making things that they have always done. Hell, it may escalate when I least need it to. *I* have to build up my “body.” I have to live right.

Part of the problem is that I am in that place where what I want to do for myself is so far beyond what my brain is telling me I HAVE to do that I want to close my eyes and sleep forever. And I have no energy to leap over or through the have to-s to the reward of those want-tos. This is not constructive.

I don’t know what will happen now, but I think what it will look like is me doing things to take care of myself. I do not know how long this will take. But I’m going to be laying low for a while and I think it’s just going to take as long as it takes. If you read this, and anyone happens to ask, that’s what happened. I can’t imagine it’ll be logged that I’m off anyplace, but I’ve had friends that Care tell me that I am in communities and I have responsibilities to say “hey, I’m just going off to think a bit.”

It’s not real “denise”-y of me to do this. but i love you. so i’m doing it. i’ll see you later.

If You Are Crazy …

Bored but Amused … :)

1. I am trying to learn the piano part to Cloud-Cuckoo-Land that I did at songfight a while back and Couch Kitty thinks that the birds are real. SILLY!
2. The kitties do not have blogs. Neither does Flappy. I have ALL kinds of alarms going off right now. It’s going to drive me bonkers. One of them is a duck. I can’t get rid of this duck which tells me to take my pills in the morning. Sadly, this goes with the song I am trying to learn and really truly DOES make me feel as though I am sortakinda living in a mental institution.
3. I am really proud of the song I just did for the sidefight over at songfight-already-linked. Sometimes they do sidefights over there. Mine’s good though and it’s called Shoot Through It. [later edit: fixed link, and may also edit vocal and levels, and call in some consultation on this one :)]
I might do a video for it but I think that is a real laugh and a half because here is the list of things I am DYING to have videos for:

-Vest Factory
-Bluebeard’s Lament (I’ve written this thing out)
-Beatrice Knifetongue (I’ve got this sucker all storyboarded in my head)
-Stranded
-To The End of the World (I’ve got this all plotted out too… unfortunately it’s about someplace I don’t know anything about so whaddayagonnado?!?) 🙂
-Invisible Girl (don’t QUITE have this thought out, but I have a couple really romantic shots in my mind all thought of. This would be pretty freaking cool)

That’s a lot of videos. Two Duality ones. Gosh.

Dude. I’m tired. Dang Musica- Stage-Performers-of-a-Medieval-Persuasion that come through here every few weeks to trash Hotel Luna. Grrrr.
{rest of paragraphage redacted. sheesh. because nobody wants to KNOW, do they really?}

4. Why oh why does coffee get so cold so quickly when it is stupid hot outside. Yes. I know that I am inside and so is my coffee. This is a rhetorical question. Fleh.

5. My timer went off telling me it’s time to get off the computer and practice. See you fine folks later.
6. Stay tuned for later this week when Den learns to TAG HER POSTS!!!!! {sharply indrawn BREATH}

Bored but Amused … :)

Lessons learned from January-thru-July 1.

It’s the sixth month of the year now. This is the month when plans get made. When projects happen. I am not going to have access to my computer for several days (explanation soon), so I am going to work a lot right now and then I am going to think, write, read, sleep, and practice many things. I have a lot of data to sift through. It has been one of the hardest years of my life; preceded by a year that was probably among the most life-changing, personality altering, and important. I am a different person and I think I will finish 2011 learning to understand this new Thing I have become. I watched videos of the Christmas 2009 Denise Hudson … and I don’t understand her. She is not me. I love her, I miss her. I need to mourn her and get over her… and learn what I can about her because I need her now, a little bit.

I need a list, because I have done so much and I forget that. I still have so much to do!

1. just got back from doing errands. a little bit stressed out. got a lot to do.
2. The Cylon has a problem with his screen so it will have to be replaced. This will take a week or so, possibly longer. So I have to back up and finish a lot of things before this occurs. Scramble.
3. This is kind of fortuitous. Actually. There are some things I have noticed (and “you,” of course is “me” here… but it could also of course be YOU, you, you, *you* … you, You, YoU, you-youditty-youyou, y’all, etc. Insert whatevermonkey secretcode Dramabahamamama in here. I like to shoot straight when I don’t think it will get my thrown in social prison (you don’t believe me, do …you):
-I have let some stuff slide. I have not really been taking good care of myself. This is not okay.
-I have been allowing things to happen to me that are Wrong and Bad. Your circumstances should ALWAYS make you feel special and important. If you are ever in a situation where you don’t; get out of it. If you’re doing it to someone – stop. There is NOTHING worse than feeling obliterated. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We all deserve to be faced. If you cannot see the face of a situation, but only always its side, then show it your back.
-Eat good food and don’t abuse it.
-Don’t drink too much.
-Don’t expect too much of yourself, but expect more from you – and from others.
-Get enough sleep
-Make your environment wonderful to be in, a delightful garden of what you want. People, places, and things. To be in; to look forward to.
-Don’t go looking for trouble, trouble sees you fine (this, or something like it, is a fine and dandy song lyric I heard lately)
-accept the truth of things that cannot be changed and live as best you can.
-be flexible

Breathe.

Do things you enjoy.

4. I have songs to write, and arrange.
5. I have more personal things to say, but I am Den, and that is not my way.

I had a nice day. Nice days are welcome here.
I like nice. I enjoy being happy.

Lessons learned from January-thru-July 1.

bird

Some traditions fail because they are completely misunderstood and not-supported by your surroundings, your people, or even yourself.
I’ve been experiencing a big FAIL lately, trying to haul a huge load up an impossible mountain.
I used to do morning pages. And I write a little something before bed every night. But to what purpose?

I have had trouble thinking. All winter it has been a struggle. Terrified of what I might lose as my brain function see-sawed back and forth. For what? What exactly is the point of my fear?

WHO CARES??!?!?!??

And yet the alarm bells go ding!ding!ding!

I find I care less and less. I see new signals and signs and they are bright and sharp and smell like blood. I look at the material (work and mental-work) made today and compare it to what was made five, ten years ago.

I laugh.

Then I look forward and I have no fear. What will I make in five or ten years? A month, even..

I have never had any real trouble. I am going to be fine. Things will go right back to normal for any situation I move through and finish with.
I am a body at motion and should remain so. And trying to stop and slow down for my realities and think about things and be who I am not has made me feel like an animal who runs with the wrong kind of legs.
I dont really care about that stuff. Can’t afford to. I am a winged thing.

I can be happy for a whole day, even as a Pensive Creature who has icky stomach stuff lobbed her way.

bird