Spositive Tots

1. I was not ready to look at the Internet this morning. No social media, no messages, no email. I think if I get some more of ME done, I can do this. But not yet.

2. On Tuesday, which is the tomorrow of this week–I have the dentist. Oh yes, you can be sure I will floss today as though I have been flossing all along. But you have all heard this before.

  3. Just listened to the Netflix Ted Talk on Starting a Movement (#dontYOUjudgeMEforcheese) and saw it explained that it is often a brave observer joining in with the Lone Nut with a good idea which starts a Thing. I think my problem has been in a word–disenchantment. I never believe in the godlike qualities of the nuts I come across for long, and prefer to forage for the nuts in my own sack of this delightful metaphor in the grand scheme of the wheel in the land on the time in the ultimate ever cheese (what?)

4. This is why I ate wine and cheese for dinner last night, late. But someday I will have even more nice things through the power of Spositive Tots. 

 

“tater’s gonna” ~d.mcA
 
‘tot mob’ ~d.mcA
  

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Spositive Tots

“Do I Want To?”

  
January. Not quite the start that I hoped for, but I am resolute.

I think one of the things that I have learned over the years is that I can only control what is INSIDE of me. I can’t expect perfection out of my grand plans. From these Resolutions. There is something to be said for the small, bite-sized goals–even though I prefer to be grandiose. I have allowed myself some grand plans, then. But they are not set in stones. So I have only made one real RESOLUTION; and lots of detailed, flexible lists.

My resolution? Just a question. 

“Do I Want To?”

More of a guiding principle, really. And then of course, the follow-on. 

“Then why am I______?” 

It could apply to everything. Places you are going. Clothes you are wearing. Food you’re stuffing into your mouth. Relationships you continue, or that you decide against will to break off because your family or friends disapprove. Alcoholic drinks you are consuming or maybe you are being too restrictive with your diets or excessive rules you apply to yourself. Do you really want to police every bite of sugar you eat all until the end of your days? Maybe not. Maybe YES. Who knows? Trips you are taking or are deciding not to take because you think you cannot afford them or they are too impractical. Maybe the wise choice, or maybe you are trying to please your inner miser. Or someone else’s …..

Think. About. What. YOU. Want. Your inner child. Your inner old person on their deathbed. WHAT DO THEY WANT? What will they say “DAMMIT, YOU!!!! Why didn’t you ______?!?!?!”

Then, do the things that you can control. You can try to do everything that is in your control that doesn’t involve making other people do things. Example: I can make music, but I might not get a Grammy Award. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try; that it can’t be a GOAL. I might even make it a goal.

#107. Write Grammy Speech.
#108. Collect award
#109. Don’t get drunk at party, old woman.

You can start dating again, but you may not be able to make that ONE guy love you. Maybe he’s just not that into you. Who knows? It’s just maybe not in the cards. Time moves forward. 

This is how being an individual in your own sphere of influence under your own control works. You are autonomous. You are part of a community, but you are unbreakable because you create your own options.

This is wildly unorthodox thinking. We are programmed to think of what our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our religions … Everyone but ourselves–might wish. But in the absence of our own wills deciding and of our own wills determining what we are basing our guiding principles on, chaos will rush to fill a vacuum.

I could say a lot more about the particular types of chaos that each of us might battle in our lives–but I think those are our own autobiographies. I have not decided how much I will start leaking out about my own, here. The nature of blogs has changed since I started my livejournal in 2001ish. But I can tell you that I once thought I would make all my back journals “private” because they just didn’t look very clean or professional. And now, I don’t care. I once went through this time called my 20s and 30s. I was younger and a little more immature. I was going through these times where I was growing and I had to learn stuff. 

I’m not editing a damn thing. Mistakes were made.

And even now, nasty surprises may come up. As a person, I’m a glorious mess. So yes to the pulling out of a rug of support under one’s feet when it is least expected. The changing of plans at last minute. The mercurial nature of finances. The invisibility of germs as long as they do not attack my more vulnerable friends (although they certainly mess me up QUITE enough). The heaping of emergencies on top of one’s head. All of the above and all at the same time, and all during the tenacious clinging of a nasty winter/summer/seasonal/jet-lag depression that is confusing as hell and won’t quite get shaken off. Maybe this makes better songs, sharper poetry. Maybe this creates CONTENT. It’s utterly miserable but I don’t care. Progress brings me out of it and makes me stronger and more resolute. And I remember that I can succeed. Plus, my lists are back on track. I have huge plans. I have a great support system in my life and at home. I’m very lucky in many ways that my worst enemy is myself. 
I will get braver this year and stop worrying about what shadows and phantoms lurking in the darkness might be thinking. I will continue to try to find the light, whatever this means. And no, things aren’t going poorly and I’m lucky and life is positive. As always, I could stand to lose a few pounds and for my dental hygiene to improve, as well as my mixing. I have serious plans for all of those concerns. Old patterns=old quilts. 

“Do I Want To?”

dreams of wet laundry.

Photo on 11-11-15 at 10.13 PM

1. My sleep cycles are shark attack-whack.

2. I am having dreams about laundry. Whats wrong with me?

3. I’M WRITING NON-CONTEST SONGS! JUST ‘BECAUSE.’

AND PERFECTING THEM and PRACTICING. I WROTE THIS in CAPS BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT. Am BEHAVING like a PROFESSIONAL. ZOOOP!

4. I have a pervasive headache but have gotten rid of the bad habit of using Lowercased “i” to refer to my Bad Self. Schwing.
5. No, not a “headache.”

6. I want some coffee.

7. The laundry I dreamed of was still wet from the washer and boring. It was in Australia (not boring) and my mother-in-law wanted us to take it to my sister-in-law’s house so we could hang it up on a clothesline for all to see it a’flapping in the breeze all Continental Style and stuff. Because it’s fine to just let your undies fly in Alternative Laundry Cultures. Furrrf. #underworldproblemsthatAreNotReallyproblems

8. There was a jaunty trumpet solo in my dream, but this is not really relevant.

9. I want more chocolate, but my rear end grows ample.

10. A Loving Friend who I go WAY BACK with gave us tickets to see Neil Gaiman tonight. I’ll write about this on the internet later like someone who is culturally observant. SERIOUSLY.

11. I have stuff to say about dental hygiene, but it’s a REALLY HARROWING TALE involving Irresponsible Pinterest Usage, a nasty chemical burn, an only slightly kerfliffly immune system, an actual trip to the dentist, non-denominational and playful supplications to an undefined household faerie of Tooth Care/Antiinflamatories/Antibiotics, HARD CORE Mouthwashes made by Advanced Industry, and a comfy sweater. I think I’ve said enough.

12. Another friend got me lipsticks for my birthday that were sent in a package. One of the VERY NICE (YSL!) lipsticks is in a flash and grown-up shade I have nicknamed “FBI Agent Red.” I’d look pretty fetch in an Agent Scully get up about 20 pounds ago sporting this shade before I cheese popcorned it all off of my greedy little gummer. The glosses are nice and class-act too. I might wear one to the show tonight, with my green skirt and a top appropriate to my advancing age. Earrings too. Why not go for broke? It’s almost my birthday and I should seize this golden age.

Winter is coming, my gremlin comrades.

dreams of wet laundry.

Number 31.

I made a list of stuff that might make it into one of the “Things” I’m kinda doing. I’ve been working on it for a while. I’ve been THINKING a lot. This is some of it. I know there’s a lot of la la la happy-be nice stuff around. But there is also much that is miserabubble, so maybe it’s necessary to spread joy. 🙂 And my mood magically got Calm last night (#pizza) so … better morning today. 🙂

LIST FOR some PEOPLE

  1. Be what you are the best that you can–as much as you are allowed to … and then more.
  2. Feel what you feel.
  3. Vent a little … or a lot.
  4. Need people, places, and things.
  5. Curb your annoyance.
  6. Suffer fools … to a point.
  7. Brag infrequently but skillfully. 🏆
  8. Apologize relevantly.
  9. Love hugely and really well. 🙂
  10. Hate hardly ever.
  11. Stop spreading gloom.
  12. Weather criticism bravely and anger graciously.
  13. Uphold boundaries firmly.
  14. Apply discretion calmly, trusting yourself.
  15. Debate sanely.
  16. Judge absolutely when self-perfection is attained.
  17. Lie with caution, forethought, and humility.
  18. Forgive carefully.
  19. Pursue folly cautiously … and rarely.
  20. Trust sometimes.
  21. Avoid the casual fib.
  22. Eschew the false compliment.
  23. Refrain from subtle, yet oily social gloating.
  24. Tell someone else up.
  25. Don’t. rub. it. in.
  26. Do not throw rocks at the other children.
  27. Step down a peg.
  28. Aim up six.
  29. Buy bigger britches.
  30. Wear your neighbor’s shoes.
  31. Be nice.
  32. no … really…  just be NICE
  33. enjoy yourself.
Number 31.

Old Elderly Birthday-Unbirthday

I found THE old post I wrote but didn’t publish for some weirdo reason on my 39th birthday, 2.5 years ago. I thought I’d show it now for your a-moose-mint. And to motivate myself because I was already feeling elderly when I was still youngirly. So I need to get over it and suck it up! Chop choppitty!!

BIRTHDAY POST
1. this is my last thirties year. i do not feel like an elder-berry. so I am not going to Act like One.
2. I have a feeling of urgency regarding goals. This probably has to do with a kicked up libido, the feeling that I am running out of hooks, tests that have indicated wonky kidney function, decreased attention span when reading historical biographies and informational texts, a decreased tolerance for alcohol and steak, my body starting to argue with my predilection for eating candy and keeping weird hours, the presence of electric guitar players in my general destiny, and increased eye wrinkles.
3. My right shoulder hurts and I am fixing to go to the movies. The whole town is at Formula 1. Aerosmith is in town. I did not ask them to dinner. This has less to do with the kitchen being a mess and more to do with the fact that they are Famous People and I do not have access to their phone numbers.
4. If I did, I would make them listen to some Billy and the Psychotics stuff – because that’s the stuff I’m having people listen to lately when I say “hey, look at this cool stuff I do,” and I think we’re getting pretty consistently good.

5. I’m not just being silly, I don’t think.

Old Elderly Birthday-Unbirthday

Day 3. And Third Boring Post Title

Greetings, bloglings. It is yet another day of this blogging again and I have no food picture for you. I’m sure you are all so saddened by this. Also I have no poem. Double tragedy. Also I have no brain to-day. And sarcasm is no substitute for content, and I realize this.

It is, however, important to show up, take a somewhat graceful bow, and state your intent that you’re there–you’ve showed up to *try* …

Today all I have is coughing and tiredness. It’ll be different in a couple of days. No one likes a surly blog post.

I have a lot to do so I need to stop being sick. Vitamins are our friends. I’m actually not in a bad mood. There’s just a substantial amount of drool and yawning.

This is sooooooooooooo boring. I feel like a noodle that sticks to nothing. Sorry guys. I’ll dance properly later.

Day 3. And Third Boring Post Title

tunnel light.

I wrote a large collection of unreleased, themed poems last year. They are meant to fall into six booklets. It has come to my attention more and more that, for many reasons, my work is very personal and largely unreleased.

A lot of it comes in the form of blogs, or letters. Gifts or gestures or jokes. There’s a lot of poetry in my songs. Basically I am writing always, even when sick or sad. I may get really overwhelmed and blue and feel as though I am not accomplishing anything because I’m not tacking accomplishments to a bulletin board or having a huge showcase or mounting some epic smash hit cd release world tour of everything.

I get comparative and overwhelmed and it makes me feel small and useless and crazy. And very invisible.

(yes, SXSW is on and I’m not an Epic Hopelessly Over-Busy Uber-Showstopping Musician. I am just me.)

I told a friend of mine, “I think I shall do an album!” and he said “make a Kickstarter for it!” I thought “whatever for?” But then I realized that I could do this and it would fit. And I could fit my projects into the whole plan as well. Because I’m trying to wrap up one area of my life and go into the next one. Work-wise I mean. Anyway, I’m going to spread all my material I’ve collected in front of me and see what I’ve got. I’ve already got quite a whittled-down plan and I’m not quite as confused anymore. But I think it’s important to really my give some honor to what I’ve written, because it’s okay that I write a lot, that I see things and say things and think things. I’m glad to have more material rather than less.

I’ve decided to stop thinking of myself as excessive and exhausting and annoying and to think of myself again as insightful and prolific. It’s easy to focus on getting sucked into the deep drown-y parts of life. It is very overwhelming.

I know I have an audience and they will come to me. They DO come to me 🙂

I was feeling negative for a bit. Now I’m feeling a bit better about things and with the glimmerings of some realistic hope. 🙂 yay me 🙂

tunnel light.