My brain is fried. I feel like lava does when it has broken up with someone. You want to explain but you really can’t go back now, can you?
I have to finish writing a stand up comedy routine, of all things. I do not feel very funny today, or even silly. I open my mouth and this strange whiny noise comes out.
I have not worn makeup in many a moon so I found a mascara-laden portrait of myself which I took in a dressing room.
I like when I practice piano but I will go on and on with that and it’s not really constructive the way I do it, like I’m trying to board an enemy ship.
I’m concerned about my hands because they go numb a lot and I don’t know why. I’m trying not to over-do the elderly schtick.
I do miss working the way I used to and I miss the theater.
I miss doing musical improv. I didn’t think it would happen. Maybe I will do some soon. You can do that over the internet and you can even do it with other people. I just haven’t been wild about trying with anyone in particular–and I know that this is really on me.
I have a person who is annoying and I have complained about this person before. Apparently they are on facebook again, taking credit where credit is don’t. This should be like that Far Side cartoon. Like acid off a duck’s back?
I have been way too caught up in old mentalities. There are so many of them to choose from. They make me dusty and unfunny. I do not think to speak in funny accents and it wouldn’t occur to me to put on a jaunty hat. I wrote about important things before but I also did so while I was reading far too many news articles. I think coming across as stodgy for the sake of stodge is not very important. No one wants to wade through a lake of word brick. I think I have strong opinions about this.
I sound like an old movie that did not make the list of better podcast options.
I have a new fear of the old vampires. Not the sexy kind either.
If I’m out of the contest that’s all fine. I need to get used to the fact that the thing about a list of things to do is that it has items on it and that one ought to do them.
I’ll just fix my song in a leisurely way and do things that are the most important as the priority. Move toward what will get me paid first. Song contests feel good and you meet deadlines but you are not getting money to do this. Of course, if I did not do all the things that did not give me money, I would die in obscurity and no work would be done at all ever.
have actually been putting things up on the internet more than I used to so there is a small line of credit going into my self-satisfaction pig bank.
I have most assuredly been drinking too much. I am most definitely too old to be doing so. I’ve never even been that much of a drinker. But beer tastes better when you ought to stay home. Hey! That’s on an unlucky number! :O
Gardening is more difficult for some people than for others.
Don’t even ask about dental floss. It’s insane to speak of these matters.
I think this blog right now is meaningless. But I don’t care. I need to start just doing things for myself or I am going to disappear.
This is a photo of something bloggish and relaxing so that your eyes are not bored. I saw it when I had a lunch break from doing something exciting.
Is that cryptic? I’m really sorry. I’ve gotten really burnt out on the internet and social media in general. I could blame a lot of things. The political climate just…everywhere. The general level of discourse. Cyber overcrowding. My basic moodiness. But I’ve been good and fine and happy and stuff. Just normal me. And I’ve been busy and the things I used to complain about here are mostly mischiefmanaged and all that.
I’m not ready to get into specifics. I’m really just kind of feeling “why”ish and lazy about it. I want to do the stuff that might get me paid and/or that promises emotional or experience payoffs that benefit me or people I care for in some way. I don’t want to type into a vacuum. But there was something that this blogging did for me. I’m trying to remember it. Maybe when I do and I can form a sentence about that, I will do more of it. Stay tuna-ed…
Today I am going to post in this blog. It is not going to get overly cerebral. It is not going to get weird. I am not going to write an apology, or a long treatise on where I’ve been and why I havejourneyed there. I’m not going into long metaphors about dental hygiene or my cats.
I actually don’t know what I’m going to say.
I used to know the purpose of blogging. It was like a public diary. Of course people wanted to know everything about me. I’m terribly interesting. Right? Of course. Now that we got that out of the way.
The problem was when the internet got mean and no one thinks other people are interesting anymore. It’s what my great (possibly great-great) aunt Mamie used to call “making the game schmeary.”
This is a situation of playing Uno and you keep getting all the skips and reverses and draw fours (none of the other wild cards where you can just peacefully change the color and move on). And the person to your right (where the direction of play is heading) keeps getting slammed by what they think are your dastardly dealings of death and pain. Draw 2. Draw 2 again. Oh. A Skip. Then someone else skips to you then you lay down a Wild Draw 4. You’ve said “uno” every time. In fact, one time you said it slow and they viciously said “UNO” at the same time but everyone at the table said “nooooooo,” that you got it in in time and now player-to-the-right is turning into a thunderous raincloud right before your eyes and the living room is about to be a category 5.
Scores are tallied. You’re only 3 rounds in and you were going to play 5. or six. But player on your right THROWS the cards into the air (you find the one of the missing Blue 4s two weeks later, chewed up by cats) and storms out and that’s the end of this metaphor. But did you MEAN to draw all those cards? Were you supposed to be NICE about it and just rack up the points so that they could win? Apparently so …….. apparently you’re supposed to let the wookie win or he tears your arms off.
This is not the way that things should work, and I said that I wasn’t going to do this but this is why I don’t write much internet anymore or post and why nobody can have nice things or coffee and pie in public. Unnnngh and flargh. You have all heard this before. “Go brush your teeth, Denise!”
Obviously the card throwers of the world are making the game schmeary and if you hold your breath and kick and scream in the cereal aisle because mommy won’t buy you Count Chocula then you are a SPOILT BRAT, right? This should happen across the board RIGHT? RIGHT??!?!
Does it happen? No. Some people can just have and do whatever they want. Some people can just WALTZ down fifth avenue and…
no. I wasn’t going to do that. Who cares? Who listens? Does this even HELP. So no. Not from me …
NOT TODAY! (throws improv dagger)
I will talk about improv tomorrow. I will talk more about myself, soon. Because I will come back here tomorrow (or soon) and write here in this blog some more (or soon).
Here is a post I wrote in the middle of the night upon my phone and I guess I thought ‘I should not upload this because I am asleep.’ I am glad that Sleepy Denise has some discretion. This is a Good Sign. I shall upload it now because Awake Me thinks differently and is amused. Also, here is a photo because my blog looks like mashed potatoes lately. It’s another frickkin gnome, I realize … a gnome in the snow from long ago … but I’m thinking that perhaps it might help me think of a Scary Song if I finish all my chores. I have not written a song at all in MANY MOONS since BatP finished L’Occitaine and so Fruuuuugh.
1. am up in middle of night. Can form basic cave person sentences. Me apple, you bacon. We llama, you garden hose. Don’t order the artisan grits. Meow.
2. that didn’t mean anything.
3. I had a dream earlier tonight about 2 of my old friends arguing with me in a speedboat about the Internet and music and writing. I think it’s a sign. These were people from long ago, or from more pivotal times of ME when different decisions should have been made. And I know that the me I am now, inside, is a different me than the one people might assume they are dealing with.
4. I know that this is about me, getting my work done. I know I need to protect my own flow. I’ll work on this.
I have no idea what I was talking about.
the Me of Today
ps. scandalous Cherry Pi did participotato with Dr. Lindyke in the first round. I’m not claiming much responsibility for this.
1. Today is a hangnail.
2. I am not having a fantastic week already.
3. I do not want to blog or make one of my non-famous Un-viral videos. Or do anything else similarly exhausting at the moment.
4. I just want to get some work done and get through a list of simple, random tasks I do not feel like elaborating upon. Things that are baby steps that I am mildly excited about. Notions I might quietly entertain before they are crushed into the dirt by criticism, or examples of younger-cooler-already-better-thans, or absconded with and twisted up, or whatevered on.
4. I am terrified I will feel stressed out by something random, and will decide to hide under the bed forever.
5. I am tired of how fantastic and colorful everything is and totally get that I’m not Up to Par. I need some coffee.
6. I realize that I’m terribly lucky, and many people have it far worse than me, and I should never, ever complain.
7. My breath has been worse, but could improve.
8. Usually I’m not like this, but today I am. I blame the media, and the arrival of dire and depressing news in the form of monthly periodicals. I send letters to the editor in–to no avail.
1. more F1. vroom vroom. Also haven’t blogged in a while. These thoughts are unrelated.
2. Just drank beer that tasted like wine.
3. My back is 80 years of age.
4. I might make more kale later. This is no laughing matter.
5. My hair is a mess and also I’m boring.
6. Allergies are stupid. I just screamed when I sneezed, which is called screazing.
maybe it will upswing.
maybe the sun is outside my door.
maybe there is clean laundry somewhere.
maybe hope isn’t overrated and I can find peace and concentration or something like that.
maybe things could be … sweet, or good, or something.
maybe paranoia is silly.
maybe today could be a really good day after all.
and it will turn out nicely indeed. 🙂
1. I feel better, so I’m going to write a long post about some serious stuff soon.
2. I am tired of worrying about everything I always worry worry worry about, but most especially about grammar, autocorrect, and my #alasicannotspell-laden brain. This is a problem for another generation of rodents. But I always post something on some posty-place and think “AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHGIDIDSIDFLDSJGAKDKHGAD!!!” and just KNOW I looked like a wrong-its-using idiot-o-tron. What can be done about these horrid matters in a Time of Tiny-assed Keyboards?
3. I don’t even know what I say half the time anymore. but it seems I cannot be stopped sometimes. I consider that I fret about fat thumbs more than a shapely derrière a bit of a win though.
4. I will not post another thing about my dental hygiene.
5. You are now caught in a wormhole.
I wrote a Spintune which I may or may not release on the evening of Sunday the 24th while waiting to finish up the Hudson and Day shadow track for Round 2, of Spintunes 8 – which is supposed to be about hatred and also we may not finish it but we don’t have to because it’s a shadow entry. That means that we’re not competing because we got eliminated because:
I had to update:
*my Play software
*my Apogee drivers
*my midi interface
a bunch of other things I can’t remember
….also, the learning curve on Cubase 7(.5) from Cubase 5 is substantial. The upgrade process wiped out simple things like my keycommands and those sorts of things. My entire workflow that I’ve worked a few years of these contests getting used to had to be rebuilt from the ground up. I had to keep telling myself “no. You are not getting paid. This is Spintunes. If you are late or turn in a horrible entry, no one will explode. You will move on from this. And Alyssa is a cool cucumber. She can handle herself. You’ve sucked before and she’s been groovy about it.”
Alyssa is good because she’s fierce.
But this round, I don’t know if we’ll do it. We didn’t have a good go recording Round 1 because of that massive recording drama and there were also dramatic other things in my brain when I wanted to write a blog and talk about some of this stuff. I wanted to interact with my community and talk about some of the stuff that had been happening to me, but instead I ended up suspending my Facebook account.
It was a harrowing week for many reasons.
I say all of this because our character from Round One was kind of smacked around the head by the kind of relationship that leaves you in what I think of as the wounded 90s Alterna-Musician waif-mascara in the shower running down your face in your negligee sort of State. You can’t really hear sound waves around you and everything feels like bubble wrap. In a way, our song succeeded, because there were moments of Almost-Beauty stuck in between these WTF times. It might have been better as a companion to my ‘Verge of Tears,’ but way more extreme – like ‘Patient No. 7‘ but far sadder. I do that all the time, string the stories into character group-lets. So Round 1 and Round 2 could join this in sort of a Horrible Accident Suite. Who knows? I have cross-pollinated character stories across all my ensembles and solo work – I should make a mind map or something to keep it all organized.
Anyway, I think maybe 2.5 – 3 of the judges might have grokked us the last round. No matter. I think I expressed how I felt about the whole round just fine. I got over being embarrassed that computers don’t Do My Bidding. I consider myself awesome that I try to mount large scale productions when I could just as easily grab my iDevice and do a quick mix of the both of us or download some much easier editing tools. I’m trying to learn some heavy hitting software and really delving into some crazy midi editing and making the pianos and I’m trying to rebuild my tape machine now and there’s really no limit to the number of things I’ve got going on in this room. Not that I’m comparing to anyone/anything/anyCylon else, it’s just that I’m maximizing the opportunity and not going for the easy, lazy way out just because I know what I could do to make people like me. I’ve learned enough about these contests by now. I’ve been in them since 2009, 2010? Just to give myself a little thrill I entered a Songfight and I decided to get help on the mastering because I liked the song. I suck at mastering right now, so I figured that I’d do what I needed to do to let the song have breathing room and not shoot itself in the foot.
This is not to say I haven’t thrown myself into contests and been disappointed and not seen why things played out a certain way. I could write blogs and blogs about what happened during the Nur Ein Cold Comfort round. I probably will write about that particular bout of user error one day …… This Spintune, I am happy to report, was not user error.
Think of it. If I waited until the Contests Were Over to do upgrades to my computer, when would this happen?
Why do you think that none of my files are in order and I don’t have an album or a website?!?
I’ll NEVER be ready!
But I think of this little Waiting Song at least as kind of an answer to the first song that we did even though that song CLEARLY wasn’t ready. I pushed it through anyway. I don’t like to not hit the deadlines (<-what kind of GRAMMAR is this????!?!), particularly when other people are involved. But I/we weren’t able to get it across the way I wanted to. Alyssa’s first instincts about the melody were correct, and it was just a really long week waiting for me. But my goals for this contest are to get a Round 2 with more movement and push in it, and to re-do the Round 1 the way we want. This can happen anytime before the earth is destroyed really, as well as recording any other entries from the previous contest we did and when she guest-spotted on my first NurEin (including other sucky go’s we’ve had at any other songs we’ve done). I wanted to at LEAST re-record Round 1 to My Satisfaction by Monday Night’s listening party – and also get round 2 done. I had some other little things I wanted to do too. I’d told several people about a couple little Stupid Gems. I always strut big and don’t deliver, but I don’t care. People cope. Now I don’t even know if I’ll send in the little shadow I guess I did solo to amuse myself. It was really more to express myself and what we were doing and my recording and my feelings about these contests and etc. anyhow now I’m rambling trying to make a living and doing the best IIIIIII caaaaaannnnnnnn…
I really need to go to sleep. I actually heard that in the grocery store the other day. I’ve edited this entry several times.
Anyway … I think we’re on track. And if we’re not, we’re not on track in an on track type of way.
*the photo is from a G+ post I made with a poem in it. I was feeling all macabre and the song I just wrote today did reminds me of that. It’s food coloring. I thought … perhaps this is upsetting for people or a provocative or violent image. But I’m going to leave it up because it beautiful and it is my blog. I live my life in a disclaimer-y fashion and I have to stop for a moment.