Quick Things including my Undone Halloween Pun Costume

1. I said to Titty Bingo on Twitter (they’re a band and everyone with a car or a guitar case has their sticker now. Except me. Why the hell don’t we have several of these? What kind of Austinites are we?!?! Must rectify this immediately.) … anyway, I said to them during Halloweek that I would post a description of my funny Halloween costume and then I forgot to do it. #fail

2. This week, my brother got married, I had two migraines that are not technically migraines, experienced insomnia, and then when I slept had weird audio dreams that intersected with Traveling Minstrels of LadyTown again, if you know what I mean (you do).

3. There’s lots of stuff about white man privilege going around on the web now and I don’t know how I feel about this. I think if we didn’t have discrimination and ugliness in the first place then we wouldn’t have to make sure that one of the kids didn’t get better presents than the other kids who got crappy ones or just didn’t get any at all. But maybe that’s a bad metaphor, because it’s true that people shouldn’t be buying tiny babies jeweled iPads. Or yachts. And I know that as long as there are things like Instagram accounts for the extremely wealthy that there is probably some kind of Classist Problem. I also know that my niece would enjoy a jeweled iPad. For about 7 seconds.

4. I have a new lipstick that is amazeballs, but it feels frivolous to be over-the-damndamn-moon about this.

5. Okay, back on Topic. So I was going to do this thing for Halloween. This is what I told the TittyBingovians I was going to write about.

PROCESS
-rent nun costume or steal one from convent.
-wear ribbons and medals and first place and best of show stuff on top of robes and habit.
-also be visibly carrying flask and/or bottles and other drinking paraphernalia.
—-this was all so I can go as

…..The Best Bar Nun. {ROUSING ROUND OF APPLAUSE}

…I still may do this. But now I have to wait until next year. Or at least until Girl Scout Cookie Season. So I can get my clerical discount (that’s not a real Thing).

6. that was a lot to read to get to the costume.

7. I do not have Apology Cookies for anyone reading this. It’s a blog.

six.

1. Hello. It is Thursday! Springtime has arrived! Quite a while ago. It is alive and well in my nose. #tmi
2. I think my SCREAMING HEADACHE is stupid so I’m fighting with it. I’m going to brush my teeth again but we have all heard that since cows have been amoebii (not a word).
3. I’m starving for food I can’t decide on so I had a banana and a cracker and something else I can’t remember. I’m so bored and tummyish.
4. I’m whiny.
5. I think despite best efforts, I got a nose disease. Maybe it’s a matter of mind over maudlin tho.
6. I had a lovely day with my nieces and nephews last year. I took pictures and got creative with one of them, used one to do a kind of inner-child-kicking-an-anger-ball sort of thing. The original photo is part of a quickly snapped series of the kids playing a little soccer game at the park. The girls were pretty good at kicking the ball around, better than I was as a kid. 🙂

I’ll give the visible ones to her mom sometime, but in that one I’ll do more of the whole activity of her playing the game in order; where her expressions can be seen. I do think I did a good job in the blur though.

Also a running words thing which I haven’t done for a while.

unfair,
violent
undermine
lie.
drama
cage
Insanity,
terrify.
worry
tiny
sibling –
holy:
union
special.
‘schmeary’
uh….
…no.
Rage.
Love.
Free?
we.
yes,
You
are
me.

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Unrelated Meandering Due to Stuff that Grows.

1. I’m fixing to go to the grocery store. I’m oddly excited about this.
2. I have a slight sunburn. I started a tiny herb garden this weekend.
3. I think I sort of like my song. Learning about recording is going slowly. I still need help. I’m okay with it now. I’ve got people on my team so I should just accept this and focus on what I’m good at. This gave me a sense of peace inside and I felt a lot better about myself.
4. I read about medieval torture devices today. I don’t know why I do this. It’s a family thing, I think (not Medieval torture. Reading about weird and creepy things. My brother and I both look at serial killer books and websites and creepy history topic things. No, we are not awash with the evil). Anyway, I’m really glad I live now because I would have been sure to mouth off in the past and receive an awful punishment of some kind.
5. People are still being tortured in the world today. I thought about that while reading this horrible article. This made me feel a lot differently about everything I go through on a day to day basis. At the very worst, my life on the earth is sometimes a confusing puzzle. That there are people on the earth who live totally choiceless, tortured existences FOR REAL is completely unacceptable.
6. I’m not sure what I can do about this in an effective fashion.
Yet.

just say November

1. We’re babysitting tonight. Tiniest niece.

2. I’m dealing with old entries from this blog. I see end-of-tunnel light, with these tags. Also, I might be psychic. I need to listen to myself when I talk because I’m right a lot of the time. That’s not conceit, that’s just experience. And good sense.

3. I may have said this before in this blog, but a wise thing has been said by many – that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is called music-practicing….

4. No. Wait. It’s called insanity. But when you practice too fast you’re in a weird logic loop. Lather-rinse-repeat.
(list-in-a-list:
a. you screw up! surprise!
b. do it again!
c. go back to a!
d. are you here because you figured out you’re going to read this entry forever? Good! Go back to a but do it FASTER! Maybe that will FIX it!
e. you’re stupid
f. forget everything you know…
g. drink. or play iPhone games. or go ruin something else in life.
h. go back to a…….
).
this is not a very constructive practice routine, as you can see. I also left out a lot of the swearing. I’m writing a song right now sort of based on this, but we’ll see how it goes. It may be controversial. I’ve been writing almost songs a lot lately. And I’m okay with that.

5. Anyway, I’ve decided to have salad tonight because I know better than to continue eating fried chicken when I know it makes me sick. We have left-overs.

Every time you’re either “insane” or mean to yourself about being “crazy,” it wears away pieces of you and you don’t bounce as high, it seems.

But I can tell you that you get a hell of a lot smarter. And dozens of whiny blog entries eventually become a few well placed reflections and the simple statement:

“Thanks be to NOvember.”

It’s the most settled in of months. You just ride this sucker home. It’s time for the mosquitos to leave now.

Be well, my goblin readers … 🙂 xxxxx

hit potential

hit potential

1. I’m getting to that point where I have to force myself to blog because I feel boring and idiotic and like I have nothing to say. Pity Parties are not constructive and you have to run screaming from anything that makes you feel that kind of negativity about yourself.
2. I have ruined myself with nasty self-talk before and it is debilitating and will throw you right into a depression that you have to claw your way out of. it’s not pretty.
3. I made a broody, enigmatic picture of myself being reflective and serious. It fed my moody need to be Dramatic and Cool and now I’m over myself and can make art.
4. Unfortunately, I had a big fat fail today, which I already complained (sort of) about on Twitter.I was going to record Invisible Girl which is a song I wrote for Spintunes 1 Round 1; in honor of Spintunes 7.

(It is not about Sue Storm orArrested Development).

I didn’t get to do this because of battery failure. That’s my own fault. I felt really awful and like the universe was conspiring against me. It was then that I really had to sit down and take a look at where I’d come from and where I planned to go. It’s really time to sit down with a list of things to do and do the things on it. It’s not supposed to be this big a deal, but I suppose the more I brow beat the less loved I feel so I am going to have a cookie or something.

5. I think it’s gonna be okay though, because my brother and my niece and nephew and sister in law are coming and if anything can put a little perspective back in your life it’s family time and birthdays. And cookies or pie or something Nice.

7. By the way, I kick ass because that’s my free Theremin shirt.
8. Number Seven is dedicated to classiness and restraint. In honor of my personal diary, which is red, black, bleedy, and covered in Large Words that Say Big Things of Great Import and will be let out in Appropriate Form in Due Time.

Next will be a poem.
Have a nice day 🙂

ps. I don’t know why this published a previous version of the blog. I forgot half the editty-bits. Yeep!

Blogging at the Blogathon

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1. So. I’m here at blogathonatx (blogathonatx.com). I can assure you, I did not literally Blog My Own Face Off. To provide you with too much information, as is my way – I have this weird Thing on my chin and I had to get my father, a Nice Physician, to meet me at his office and he tried to deal with it. So I was late.
2. Honestly, I don’t think providing this information to you is indicitave of Savvy Blogging. The truth is, I am not really a very savvy blogger. Nor do I have a clear cut mission in life. What I do have is a domain and a Vague Plan. At some point, I will get things together. This will happen some time over the rest of the month.
3. How is this different than the rest of the times I have said these Sorts of Things, you may ask? Well, this time, I have a little green feeling. A little green feeling is a little different from the other colors. It’s a center of the rainbow go. It’s proof of progress but an indicator that there’s a lot to do to make headway in the future. It’s light at the end of the tunnel but you can see the trees waving around outside a little more clearly in the sunlight.
4. Do you know what I am talking about? No, you probably don’t. We are at a party and you have excused yourself to get punch even though your glass is full. This is the type of blogathon that this is turning out to be for me. There’s a lot of stimuli in the room and it’s really tempting to write stream-of-consciousness like a confessional. This is something that I used to do WAAAY back in the OlDen Days.
5. Now that I have taken you into the dark, nonsensical tunnel that is my thought-process; you are probably going “huh?” Truthfully, I can’t explain why I am a LOT more disorganized than I have been before. All I can say is that I’m irked that I am further away from the goals I wanted to be closer to; and I have found myself unable to give myself credit for a lot of the milestones I’ve hit. I think I need to do that. Being a Surly Individual is not going to help me find jumper cables for the spaceship – or stop writing extrodinarily bad metaphors … or learn to spell…or looking at people walking by my table with inviting expressions rather than with @suspiciousden in my eyes like they have tried to sell my spleen to circus performers.
6. So, at my dad’s clinic, my father asked me if there had been stink bugs. “Why?” I asked him. Because they hover around your face and put their P R O B I S C U I T S (not how the word is spelled) in it. these are called kissing bugs. There’s more information, like a doctor with a weird name and stuff. I’m going to dinner with him on Tuesday and we’re going to talk about bacteria and vile parasites of the face over a nice meal and then I will know terminology and stuff. I said “can I put you in my blog!?” thinking *people really need to know about this stuff!* and it’s true. I bet if you are reading this, you really want to know about what a lurking stinkbug can do to your face. So let my mistakes be a lesson to YOU.
7. Actually, we just moved. So yet again, I think it’s just hormones. I’m going to the Dude-You-Don’t-Wanna-Hear-About-It-Doctor on Tuesday as well, so I-May-Say-Something-General-And-Seemly about my Well Being, if you like.

This is the worst blog in a while, y’all. Fitting, as I’m having lunch at Blogathon. Flarg.

“…I was in the right place”

I’m tired, I have a persistent headache, and I’ve seen absolutely nothing on the Internet today that has made me feel happy or personally supported after being at my aunt’s memorial (i only looked at Top Stories. Powers that be may not have thought you worthy. Also, I’m generalizing. And sadly, apologizing 😦 ). I loved my aunt dearly, so I’m honestly tempted to just do what I did while we were all saying a rosary in my cousin’s living room (no, I will not apologize for being brought up Catholic today; or explain my current religious leanings, or lack thereof). I’m tempted to turn off the interwebz like I did my phone. Then I’m tempted to not turn it back on.

I have kind of closed in on myself out of necessity, and for good reason. I am sick, and I am sad, and I need more from people – several people – quite honestly.

Today I feel exposed and raw; like quitting. Like moving very far away and starting all over.

But I won’t do it. I will figure out what to do next.

I’ve gotten some webhosting, you see. This may not seem like a big deal to some people; but to me it represents a decision. A decision to get serious. A decision that I feel I am of too good a quality to continue being ignored. That it shames me and my upbringing when I don’t heavily promote myself. That I shortchange myself when I am not with people who see me as I am. And a person is never really done practicing…but I am done with this prep work and done reworking and retreading my mistakes and letting them unravel any good that came out of the mistakes I made.

A couple huge, key mistakes got made. So be it. Get over them and work. All birds fly away. I have done this before and this is how I learned to record myself and listen to myself.

It’s not even a good idea to put things in negative terms. Life will dish out disappointment. Instances where I do not win, get enough, get my way. I have to live for the love of the game. I’m so pleased to be learning hard lessons this time while Olympics are on. I can be cerebral watching attractive people in close fitting garments do physically demanding things.

This year I’m going to do that and NOT consume bags of Pepperidge Farm products.

So I am excited about the future. I don’t know where we are going but I have some new stuff I’m doing, both writing and music-wise, that is pretty neat. I’m scared, because I don’t have any idea what I’m doing; but I’m sure if I turn off the Internet, from time to time – for reasonable, non-anger inspired reasons (although getting mad is SOOOO valid!)…

well, I think I can do it!

also, in closing, sometimes something you saw that really hurt your feelings during a vulnerable time can give you a great, creative idea. Something you can build on and run with 🙂

WHY THIS WEEK SUCKS

1. I do believe I have finally hit my last, last, last straw.

someone was so shockingly, horribly rude to me this week I feel like I got slapped. It cured me. Of all the other times I haven’t stood up. Of all my mouseyness. Of everything I cower on. Of all I don’t say.

No, I won’t get specific. For many Classy reasons.

But mostly because, it’s stupid. Yep.

It’s a waste of my time.
Moving along…

2. I got clawed and bit by an insane old cat who I am administering IV fluids to at home. He does this every night. I am exhausted.
3. I’m dropping weight and being unhealthy. If I don’t watch it, I’ll start losing my hair again and that would suck because it’s pink now!
4. I am not believing in or enjoying my successes, but am short-changing myself and thinking the things I do are no big deal. This stops now.
5. I’m not writing in an organized way.
6. My beautiful cousin is gone and Sunday is her memorial
7. I feel like a bad niece and an absent cousin and friend, like I was sitting around on the Internet waiting for answers when I should have been participating in life all along because the answers were wrong.
8. I am not a good enough sister to keep my family happy and okay. I also don’t know if this is true, or my responsibility. I do know I’d like to get a little closer in and figure out who I am as a person with skin and bones and breath and a family and plans.
9. I am Not That Great a Friend. a + b = €^#* YOU!!!!
But I am, and there are lots of people who think it and forgive me a multitude of sins real and imagine;, conscious, sane, or insane.
10. I have less than four days to get over this silly pity party (except six. One is allowed to grieve for one’s cousin. Also I can work on 7 and 8). then I need to get back on the ball.
11. I need to finish Nur Ein, and go as far as I can. I need to get my things organized and stop just saying I’m going to and stop getting into friendships with backstabbing people who judge me for my flaws and undermine and blow things out of proportion. I need to be classy. I need to rise above. I need to go pro again. It CAN be done. I have been it before, I can do it again. I will NOT add another voice to the collection in my head.

I am too old for that!

12. So lies are told about me, and to my face. I was raised better than this. So I’d better hop to it. I’m stronger and faster and smarter and better for every kick in the teeth. And thank god for it.

Thanks for reading a cryptic rant. I needed to do it. To nip bad self-talk in the bud before it got out of control.

Everything not for me is against me and therefore dead to me. Yes. It’s that serious. So the boundary-fence-sitters should pick sides. I’ve had enough chain yanking. My last straw was small and barely noticeable; but it was, indeed, my last, personal-secret, straw.

“…crazy with the cheeze whiz”

1. I keep typing things and erasing them. On MANY social platforms. This is only mildly worrying.
2. I’m starting to withdraw, but I’m not really depressed. I’m just kind of sardonically..over the Whole Thing.
3. I realize I sound like I have an attitude problem. It’s true. I have an attitude problem. It’s been developing for quite some time.
4. Here, let me distract you from my Attitude Problem with something Neat I got to be a part of. It’s a song for Cast-Aid which is a group of a lot of nifty people who have podzy-webcast thingies, some of whom are in my side-linky thing there. I did this cover-number before I got REALLY down (which I had done with the LAST of my energy) and that was fun and cheered me up when I heard the finished product. Plus it’s worthwhile.
5. We could talk about my attitude problem. By the time we get to my third exchange though, I’m sure I will be sullen, mutter-y, and passive-aggressive. By the time we are at the end, you will have won and I will be in complete Compliance and Agreement with you.
6. There’s really no need for the discomfort of talking through it now, see? Don’t you feel a lot better? 🙂
7. Go to Song Fight! and listen to the latest Billy and the Psychotics track. We finished it last minute, on Christmas Eve-eve this time. It was the only other thing I chose to do that I didn’t feel like doing because I did not feel like doing anything. I’ve been thinking a lot about The Muffs ‘Sad Tomorrow.’ Just as a concept. It’s a song about FEELING a certain way, but it’s really…kind of…joyful feeling. It’s got a *hopeful-ness* around it! this makes me think of what I am kind of trying to accomplish with this collaboration, maybe. I think, sometimes, that I alienate people. No jokes about Xondor, maybe, and it not being my fault.
5. Something is telling me to erase this post….I’m thinking of doing it. Sometimes I feel I talk too much. I’ve finally started that diary I’ve been talking about. Nobody needs to hear all the things that I have to say. I think I am one of those people who is just TOO…..
[DISCLAIMER: I am not talking about anything specific.]

PS. The cafe I am at is playing music that rocks. I know it is stuff that is “aimed at my demographic” and I am being Hit Song-ed at, but I’m just letting it go. Vest Wearing Hipsters are running the world now, and when THAT goes out of style, I’ll go down to the thrift stores and CLEAN UP on abandoned styles and Hall and Oates CDs.
Den for the Win! 🙂

I am mildly reminded of ‘Interview with the Vampire’ where hot Antonio Banderas as Armand is telling Brad Pitt’s Louis that he is the “very spirit of the age.” I sort of feel that perhaps my disillusionment is rather “retro” and that I really could sashay my sullen ass into an old navy commercial right now if I cheered up two notches and maybe went Two Alanis albums AFTER jagged little pill when she realized that bugging them in the middle of dinner was NOT going to F#$*%&G fly anymore, sweetie…

By which I mean just compliant enough, but still edgy. Ack.

But I don’t want to be the spirit of an age. I want to be an individual. I don’t want my need to be myself to be over-analyzed like this human need to be a person has been over-analyzed for generations and centuries. Humans want to be given space, and they want to be loved while they are doing it. We want small bubbles of personal space which gently nudge one another. Every so often we like to slide against some people. Sometimes, we do not agree. Sometimes, the edges are sharp. Usually, there is blood, and rarely – there are apologies for this. So often, too much space is taken up so there will NEVER be blood no not EVER again.

This is probably counter productive.

Kids get hurt and kids get scraped and kids get betrayed every day. That’s just normal playground living. Kids are sweet and honest, but they are also community forming little savages in their honesty. But it’s adults that teach them how to hate in the fashion of the world. It’d be interesting to see if Animal Farm would REALLY happen. Would kids turn into Adults By themselves? [EDITLATER: I think I actually meant ‘Lord of the Flies.’ I always mix them up when I’m skunksy!]

Adults. They hate each other and they steal from each other and they stop loving each other and they do it with gracelessness and ugliness and shamefulness and…well, hatred. This is why I am thankful, and have always been, for my parents.

My parents shared us every Christmas.

They were divorced. So we have had two Christmases every year. In the morning, we were Mom’s. In the evening, we were Dad’s. All through the years, as the changes came, this was done. I realize that this situation was idyllic. But this is how things were, and I was taught. On Christmas, when things are as they should be, I see my brothers, who are my touchstones. I see my other family, who are my pillars. I am with my husband, who I picked to be a rock for me, when all other anchors have let the chains of themselves rot off the boat that is me and float away.

Family stays. And family is chosen. And this is probably universally true.

This Christmas was happy. And this Christmas was sad. You gain some, you lose some. But always, you keep some. And you keep some forever.

My mother taught me that I should always leave doors open and act my best, but that I should never be miserable and unhappy.

In closing, this is a random picture snapped by my 5-year-old nephew. If I mounted all the photos he took this weekend, they would totally clean up at a cafe. He’s also legitimate, and they are not accidents. He walked around with my iPad, carefully. Lining up shots, making decisions. He was deliberate, and focused, and determined to get perfect shots. He wanted the colors to be a certain way. I don’t know what was REALLY going on in his mind, but the observations he was making were amazing.

This isn’t even one of the best. I’m sending the really crazy ones that made us all freak out to his mother, who was an art major. She’ll know what to do about this so that it doesn’t get freaky and ruined.
I just said “stay on the carpeted areas and don’t drop it” and let him be. He did as he was told and made art.

This is just me meandering, by the way. I’m in a really good mood listening to this New Wave and Bad Rap. Some of this stuff is like Old Cheese. I think I have some of these ‘Orchestra Hits’ on synthesizer vsts lying around. Or on actual synthesizers like my Ensoniq SQ2 that I am giving to Christian if he comes to get it so that I can learn to make The Guitar Noise on his Vetta.

Oh, man. They’re playing “I’m a loser, baby….so…”

Random Frivolities

1. It’s late. I shouldn’t be up. But I am. My room is a mess. I have on a fetching ankle bracelet though. This does not help the lateness of the hour. I should also not be wearing a bracelet on the same arm as my new wrist tattoo. What the hell is wrong with me?!
2. This is called an “interrobang”

?!

I am still getting a kick out of that so I’m still going to keep telling y’all what it is called. You have to get your jollies wherever you can!
3. I’m singing choruses on a Spintunes Rap Round song. I’m pretty stoked. I’m also stokedReallystoked with our (BLT and the Psychotics) songfight song this round. I think we’re gonna be a Thing. Yep.
4. I forgot to take my medicine this morning. Crap.
5. I hope that when I have a dream tonight, I will dream about being fast, whispy, and elfin
6. I should not have had that doubleshot espresso coffee starbucksy thingy today. bad-move, wolf-ette.
7. I have on a poison-ring, which doesn’t have poison in it. I’m not hiding anything secret-y in there either.
8. My special necklace that my sister-in-law made that I have that I can put little things in with the Skull Bead and the rock from Chopin’s grave in it and some grass I got on one of my special trips last year (and I think another rock) – the beads broke on it. They need to be fixed.

I can’t think of anything else but to say GO TO BED, SELF!

EEEEK!

ps. I am going to ATXBlogathon on Oct 1 … which is DENISE NEW YEAR!!!!! I booked TODAY!!! YIPPEE SKIPIEE!!!!!