1. I keep typing things and erasing them. On MANY social platforms. This is only mildly worrying.
2. I’m starting to withdraw, but I’m not really depressed. I’m just kind of sardonically..over the Whole Thing.
3. I realize I sound like I have an attitude problem. It’s true. I have an attitude problem. It’s been developing for quite some time.
4. Here, let me distract you from my Attitude Problem with something Neat I got to be a part of. It’s a song for Cast-Aid which is a group of a lot of nifty people who have podzy-webcast thingies, some of whom are in my side-linky thing there. I did this cover-number before I got REALLY down (which I had done with the LAST of my energy) and that was fun and cheered me up when I heard the finished product. Plus it’s worthwhile.
5. We could talk about my attitude problem. By the time we get to my third exchange though, I’m sure I will be sullen, mutter-y, and passive-aggressive. By the time we are at the end, you will have won and I will be in complete Compliance and Agreement with you.
6. There’s really no need for the discomfort of talking through it now, see? Don’t you feel a lot better? 🙂
7. Go to Song Fight! and listen to the latest Billy and the Psychotics track. We finished it last minute, on Christmas Eve-eve this time. It was the only other thing I chose to do that I didn’t feel like doing because I did not feel like doing anything. I’ve been thinking a lot about The Muffs ‘Sad Tomorrow.’ Just as a concept. It’s a song about FEELING a certain way, but it’s really…kind of…joyful feeling. It’s got a *hopeful-ness* around it! this makes me think of what I am kind of trying to accomplish with this collaboration, maybe. I think, sometimes, that I alienate people. No jokes about Xondor, maybe, and it not being my fault.
5. Something is telling me to erase this post….I’m thinking of doing it. Sometimes I feel I talk too much. I’ve finally started that diary I’ve been talking about. Nobody needs to hear all the things that I have to say. I think I am one of those people who is just TOO…..
[DISCLAIMER: I am not talking about anything specific.]
PS. The cafe I am at is playing music that rocks. I know it is stuff that is “aimed at my demographic” and I am being Hit Song-ed at, but I’m just letting it go. Vest Wearing Hipsters are running the world now, and when THAT goes out of style, I’ll go down to the thrift stores and CLEAN UP on abandoned styles and Hall and Oates CDs.
Den for the Win! 🙂
I am mildly reminded of ‘Interview with the Vampire’ where hot Antonio Banderas as Armand is telling Brad Pitt’s Louis that he is the “very spirit of the age.” I sort of feel that perhaps my disillusionment is rather “retro” and that I really could sashay my sullen ass into an old navy commercial right now if I cheered up two notches and maybe went Two Alanis albums AFTER jagged little pill when she realized that bugging them in the middle of dinner was NOT going to F#$*%&G fly anymore, sweetie…
By which I mean just compliant enough, but still edgy. Ack.
But I don’t want to be the spirit of an age. I want to be an individual. I don’t want my need to be myself to be over-analyzed like this human need to be a person has been over-analyzed for generations and centuries. Humans want to be given space, and they want to be loved while they are doing it. We want small bubbles of personal space which gently nudge one another. Every so often we like to slide against some people. Sometimes, we do not agree. Sometimes, the edges are sharp. Usually, there is blood, and rarely – there are apologies for this. So often, too much space is taken up so there will NEVER be blood no not EVER again.
This is probably counter productive.
Kids get hurt and kids get scraped and kids get betrayed every day. That’s just normal playground living. Kids are sweet and honest, but they are also community forming little savages in their honesty. But it’s adults that teach them how to hate in the fashion of the world. It’d be interesting to see if Animal Farm would REALLY happen. Would kids turn into Adults By themselves? [EDITLATER: I think I actually meant ‘Lord of the Flies.’ I always mix them up when I’m skunksy!]
Adults. They hate each other and they steal from each other and they stop loving each other and they do it with gracelessness and ugliness and shamefulness and…well, hatred. This is why I am thankful, and have always been, for my parents.
My parents shared us every Christmas.
They were divorced. So we have had two Christmases every year. In the morning, we were Mom’s. In the evening, we were Dad’s. All through the years, as the changes came, this was done. I realize that this situation was idyllic. But this is how things were, and I was taught. On Christmas, when things are as they should be, I see my brothers, who are my touchstones. I see my other family, who are my pillars. I am with my husband, who I picked to be a rock for me, when all other anchors have let the chains of themselves rot off the boat that is me and float away.
Family stays. And family is chosen. And this is probably universally true.
This Christmas was happy. And this Christmas was sad. You gain some, you lose some. But always, you keep some. And you keep some forever.
My mother taught me that I should always leave doors open and act my best, but that I should never be miserable and unhappy.
In closing, this is a random picture snapped by my 5-year-old nephew. If I mounted all the photos he took this weekend, they would totally clean up at a cafe. He’s also legitimate, and they are not accidents. He walked around with my iPad, carefully. Lining up shots, making decisions. He was deliberate, and focused, and determined to get perfect shots. He wanted the colors to be a certain way. I don’t know what was REALLY going on in his mind, but the observations he was making were amazing.
This isn’t even one of the best. I’m sending the really crazy ones that made us all freak out to his mother, who was an art major. She’ll know what to do about this so that it doesn’t get freaky and ruined.
I just said “stay on the carpeted areas and don’t drop it” and let him be. He did as he was told and made art.
This is just me meandering, by the way. I’m in a really good mood listening to this New Wave and Bad Rap. Some of this stuff is like Old Cheese. I think I have some of these ‘Orchestra Hits’ on synthesizer vsts lying around. Or on actual synthesizers like my Ensoniq SQ2 that I am giving to Christian if he comes to get it so that I can learn to make The Guitar Noise on his Vetta.
Oh, man. They’re playing “I’m a loser, baby….so…”