dreams of wet laundry.

Photo on 11-11-15 at 10.13 PM

1. My sleep cycles are shark attack-whack.

2. I am having dreams about laundry. Whats wrong with me?

3. I’M WRITING NON-CONTEST SONGS! JUST ‘BECAUSE.’

AND PERFECTING THEM and PRACTICING. I WROTE THIS in CAPS BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT. Am BEHAVING like a PROFESSIONAL. ZOOOP!

4. I have a pervasive headache but have gotten rid of the bad habit of using Lowercased “i” to refer to my Bad Self. Schwing.
5. No, not a “headache.”

6. I want some coffee.

7. The laundry I dreamed of was still wet from the washer and boring. It was in Australia (not boring) and my mother-in-law wanted us to take it to my sister-in-law’s house so we could hang it up on a clothesline for all to see it a’flapping in the breeze all Continental Style and stuff. Because it’s fine to just let your undies fly in Alternative Laundry Cultures. Furrrf. #underworldproblemsthatAreNotReallyproblems

8. There was a jaunty trumpet solo in my dream, but this is not really relevant.

9. I want more chocolate, but my rear end grows ample.

10. A Loving Friend who I go WAY BACK with gave us tickets to see Neil Gaiman tonight. I’ll write about this on the internet later like someone who is culturally observant. SERIOUSLY.

11. I have stuff to say about dental hygiene, but it’s a REALLY HARROWING TALE involving Irresponsible Pinterest Usage, a nasty chemical burn, an only slightly kerfliffly immune system, an actual trip to the dentist, non-denominational and playful supplications to an undefined household faerie of Tooth Care/Antiinflamatories/Antibiotics, HARD CORE Mouthwashes made by Advanced Industry, and a comfy sweater. I think I’ve said enough.

12. Another friend got me lipsticks for my birthday that were sent in a package. One of the VERY NICE (YSL!) lipsticks is in a flash and grown-up shade I have nicknamed “FBI Agent Red.” I’d look pretty fetch in an Agent Scully get up about 20 pounds ago sporting this shade before I cheese popcorned it all off of my greedy little gummer. The glosses are nice and class-act too. I might wear one to the show tonight, with my green skirt and a top appropriate to my advancing age. Earrings too. Why not go for broke? It’s almost my birthday and I should seize this golden age.

Winter is coming, my gremlin comrades.

scary-pants gnomes

Here is a post I wrote in the middle of the night upon my phone and I guess I thought ‘I should not upload this because I am asleep.’ I am glad that Sleepy Denise has some discretion. This is a Good Sign. I shall upload it now because Awake Me thinks differently and is amused. Also, here is a photo because my blog looks like mashed potatoes lately. It’s another frickkin gnome, I realize … a gnome in the snow from long ago … but I’m thinking that perhaps it might help me think of a Scary Song if I finish all my chores. I have not written a song at all in MANY MOONS since BatP finished L’Occitaine and so Fruuuuugh.

522457_10153748754140564_123638867_n

1. am up in middle of night. Can form basic cave person sentences. Me apple, you bacon. We llama, you garden hose. Don’t order the artisan grits. Meow.
2. that didn’t mean anything.
3. I had a dream earlier tonight about 2 of my old friends arguing with me in a speedboat about the Internet and music and writing. I think it’s a sign. These were people from long ago, or from more pivotal times of ME when different decisions should have been made. And I know that the me I am now, inside, is a different me than the one people might assume they are dealing with.
4. I know that this is about me, getting my work done. I know I need to protect my own flow. I’ll work on this.

I have no idea what I was talking about.
Signed,
the Me of Today

ps. scandalous Cherry Pi did participotato with Dr. Lindyke in the first round. I’m not claiming much responsibility for this.

grumpholio

1. Results came out for Spintunes final. There was no way to predict that outcome. Can’t help but feel responsible for the “fails” (score-wise … the songs were great!) of my folks a bit, as everything I have touched in the last few years of contests I’ve participated in that has not been helped by a Psychotics intervention has died … as if I have bad contest-karma. Don’t know if I’ll do Nur Ein.
2. I won’t tell husband that. He’ll roll his eyes.
3. Am reworking the Hudson and Day Rd 1 entry for this go, and then will go back and do our first ever Rd 1 entry. Then I’ll get Alyssa to send another vox for ’97 and redo my drum part for the Takethisjobandshoveitsong.
4. Everyone liked the cheesecake I made. I’m getting fat.
5. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I dreamed of opera last night. These thoughts are surprisingly unrelated.
6. SXSW is almost over. I have more to say about that kind of thing and about social media and all kinds of things … but don’t know if I will. Yes, that was one of those Uppity Statements. #dramaticsigh
7. I washed my hair but I loathe this conditioner. New hair on the 27th. Try to remain calm.

drowned

I can’t sleep.

(released 16 Apr. 2011 for omgsongclub.com)

I’m having dreams. I wake up and I feel panic attacky because I drown to death. And for the first time I think that I can’t do This thing I want to do with my life …. my work and goals … and that I’m feeling my mortality and that time is deserting me completely and I can’t catch up. I can be pessimistic, but usually I’m not defeatist.

It’s like I didn’t know I was actually playing THAT kind of game with Time; I thought we were having a friendly exchange after dinner and drinks, not a bloodbath death match. So I’m laying beside the card table holding my intestines in, bleeding all over the rug. This is that kind of metaphor – way worse than just not bouncing back like I used to. 

You swim or you drown.

I’ve had this dream before. My stomach hits the ground and I know I’m in the same place I am always in. I’ll get sucked down if I don’t quit being embarrassed about my instincts and ditch these heavy waterlogged clothes before the sharks figure out I’m bleeding to death as I try to make sure the pretty jellyfish and seahorses don’t see me in my knickers. It’s absurd to be drowning, concerned about the sensibilities of carnivorous fish in a world that doesn’t actually exist.

The dreams have a tragically hopeful, lying little boat and usually there’s intimidating music playing off in the distance … the kind I always think i wish i could improv to that, on a boat, in a snazzy little dress, swapping solos in some high demand ensemble with great chemistry all between them. It’s always some fancy dress party on some yacht full of Relaxing Eveningwear Conversations and The Better Cocktails. This time, the music ended and MY music was playing (the song I put in here … which I haven’t thought about for a long time because I’ve been writing a lot.), but with fuller-real orchestra to it. I rarely dream my own music that I’ve already written. If it’s new music, it’s something I’ve yet to write and often I forget it before I wake up.

And usually in this Drowning-Dream, I’m being sucked down in some dark harbor, some place where I can see twinkling city lights and fishing boats and the outlines of buildings – like those places where detectives meet to whisper about conspiracies or where they probably go under those bridges to hide the bodies. But in last night’s dream, I was in the ocean in my sundress with the little sash and my sweater and these cowboy boots that I have and those were dragging me down to the bottom. The boat was very, very far away.

And I died slowly. My lungs filled with water and I felt them explode. I woke up and I blamed my heartburn for the feeling. I have that now and I take medicine for it. I feel old now. I blame fried chicken and a series of disappointments and mild to moderate betrayals. 🙂 Perhaps I am being dramatic.

In all seriousness, I know that I am on the verge of something. My beliefs have been lost in some kind of karmic spin-cycle. When you are not sure where the center of your soul is meant to sit – or whether or not you were ever the sort of person who the universe allows the luxury of having a gentle, loving soul … it takes an adjustment period. I never wanted to grow up to be hard as nails.

Mom would have been 64 this year. I’m so far beyond needing to talk to her it makes me laugh rather than cry. I laugh at myself instead of crying now a lot of the time and it feels reassuring, like a slap of discipline or just jumping in the pool instead of easing in.

Dreams of dying are not supposed to be bad, apparently. They signify peace, or change. Maybe it’s the universe, teaching us. And I think I am probably afraid of something. I keep looking for land. But I know that there’s nothing for me on that boat full of well dressed people.

The boat people would probably just throw me a martini. And then while I was sinking, rather than wanting a lifeboat like a normal person, I’d request another drink.

“of walking on the mines I laid …”

1. woke up on couch from a weird dream.
2. I was in a HUGE field full of tree stumps. They stretched out for eternity.
3. I was wearing a white dress and my new blue sneakers and my multicolored headband with the flowers. I had on my whole wedding ring but was wearing it on a ribbon around my neck. I kept checking to see if the other two pieces of it were there because I don’t wear them any more – just normally my engagement ring on my pointer finger. I had bug earrings like in the Wes Anderson movie Moonrise Kingdom (spoiler alert for links!).
4. I think I had blue in my hair.
5. I had an axe in my hand and I was chopping down a tree with it. It was the only tree left and it had glowing blue light in it.
6. The light around me was very yellow. Occasionally crows flew by.
7. Playing overhead, or in my head was that Sting song about building the city and the fortress (The video is so dated! What is he doing?! The song aged remarkably well).
8. I woke up really slowly but felt really *weird* and Off. Like there is a great deal of work to be done.
9. Without hesitation, I deleted about 80 documents I’ve had lying around, thinking I was going to use them.
10. I’ve also felt more solitary than usual lately. This is a bit worrying seeing as I’m a fairly lone-ish sort anyhow.

Maybe I spring clean in the fall.

I’m real happy there was a chill over the weekend. It was perfect.

Head Messy

1. throat hurts
2. head hurts
3. eyes stingy
4. My Hand? … I’m just relieved to have two functioning ones..
5. I am a little tired of having this same nightmare over and over again
6. this time my legs ached when I woke up, and my foot burned. This is because in my dream it got bit off by some fish or something. Or just.. Something random happened and I was meant to just start bumping into stuff while drowning in the dark at night this time; having random body parts grazed or bitten off.
7. The ship was so much closer now but I can’t look at it. It’s some kind of beautiful fancy dress party.

I realize I was still wearing one shoe and a vest and a white sundress and that I have lost my necklaces and looking down to check for my watch and bracelets… my entire left hand is bitten away as well.

I think I woke up then. Losing hands is too much for my brain. I could lose anything but a hand, I think. That probably sounds selfish. I ran into a guy without a hand at the taco place the other day. I always want to throw up when I see something like that, which makes me feel guilty because I am projecting myself all over them. They are human, and coping with a trait..a body fact – just like I would.

I only *think* I would die. I only *think* I would stop breathing.

I do wonder if I would waste away a little bit though. It’s a scary thought and I’m going back to sleep.
Sheesh..

woman overboard

This morning? Huge setback! But I am going to blogathon to learn to better myself in many areas and I’m trying to get things put into place in my crazy life though I fear it will backfire in my face in a dastardly way! Oh well! Life is an adventure and I must keep trying my best to get what I can and learn and love and sing and be the most I will that is possible.

Here is my dream (one of), and has been for three nights:

I’m in the sea, there is no land; although I think there might be something glittering off in the distance. Ships pass by but I can’t get their attention. In the dream I slowly get more and more cold… TIRED… it exhausts me just to type it! I want to sleep!

I get horribly sunburned and ache from crying and thinking how it’s not fair that I’m drowning and will die. I’m not ready! So upset about the wasted time! So many things I would have done. I realize this is the last day I’m going to spend on the face of the planet and I don’t have any fight left. What’s the Bible verse? The willing mind and the weak flesh? That’s me…

It gets to the point where I can’t move my arms. They Won’t Go… I can’t swim.

I sink. My head is a rock. I fight and adrenaline makes my arms go. I see a ship! I scream! But there is no voice. Just a croaking. I scream a desperate whisper and my tears and the sea salt stings my eyes and my red cheeks. I look a fright. There aren’t any waves, but fish scare me and the movement of the water makes me throw up a little; there in the ocean, while I’m trying to keep up with it… I want my mom, but she’s gone and there is no family and no love and no friends to save me. I don’t know where to swim because I don’t know which direction my homeland is in.

It is too much. I fear sharks but don’t see any. I get jostled. My arms lock again. My bones are lead.
This time I can’t stay up and the boats are closer but I can’t do anything. Drowning hurts and it’s hard to talk about it.

This is one of those dreams where I died. I didn’t have the strength to fight out. You’d think you would. You don’t. My body would not move and I just … died! Massivehotburningouchhurting then nothing fear.

Then I heard really weird music and there was a mountain and blue and that was death.

I woke up sore and relieved.

Resolved. Which is a good thing because as I said it’s Denise New Year. I want things to be as clear and simple as possible.

I’ve become afraid of drowning.

like pants on a sarcastic day

I had the most horrible dreams last night. The kind of dreams that make you sit up and say, “you are going to lose everything if you keep on like this.” It was pretty freaky.
I know it’s true, because songwriting and making work has either been going really easily or really poorly. I’m at that point where I think I need to listen to my body.

I get tempted to think that the beautiful things need to go on forever, are forever. I get absolute – want to believe in fate and destiny. You can get me to see karma in the similar way our pancake syrup swirls together… that we are meant to write songs together, perhaps. Possibly even if you are *not even a songwriter* I’ll think destiny formed us from the same rock. I’m a magical creature who doesn’t come from this earth. If you want something from me there’s a LOT of ways to get it. I like to think though that this gives me a certain unforgettable taste. That I am silly and gullible, but creative and loving and sacrificial and fun. I will make my stay in your project something memorable.

Of course I have to stop beating myself up about this chemistry thing!

I am this way. Maybe this is not the case. I am sleepy now. I will get back to it. Maybe my dreams will improve. I will pick up the pieces. I have a lot to write about.

Maybe I’m just not right for everyone. Or for everyone all the time. It’s okay, because it seems that there is a bit of me to go around for everyone and if there’s too much it loses something.

That’s how musiclovestuff works.

Geez… I’m such a silly sappy poetry-writing nerd………..
I’m gonna go strum a harp on a golden stairway or something. In a toga. Or a slinky nightgown. Or clothed in the scratchy sweater of sarcasm and the tweed slacks of irony (what?!?!).

#eyeroll.

Random Frivolities

1. It’s late. I shouldn’t be up. But I am. My room is a mess. I have on a fetching ankle bracelet though. This does not help the lateness of the hour. I should also not be wearing a bracelet on the same arm as my new wrist tattoo. What the hell is wrong with me?!
2. This is called an “interrobang”

?!

I am still getting a kick out of that so I’m still going to keep telling y’all what it is called. You have to get your jollies wherever you can!
3. I’m singing choruses on a Spintunes Rap Round song. I’m pretty stoked. I’m also stokedReallystoked with our (BLT and the Psychotics) songfight song this round. I think we’re gonna be a Thing. Yep.
4. I forgot to take my medicine this morning. Crap.
5. I hope that when I have a dream tonight, I will dream about being fast, whispy, and elfin
6. I should not have had that doubleshot espresso coffee starbucksy thingy today. bad-move, wolf-ette.
7. I have on a poison-ring, which doesn’t have poison in it. I’m not hiding anything secret-y in there either.
8. My special necklace that my sister-in-law made that I have that I can put little things in with the Skull Bead and the rock from Chopin’s grave in it and some grass I got on one of my special trips last year (and I think another rock) – the beads broke on it. They need to be fixed.

I can’t think of anything else but to say GO TO BED, SELF!

EEEEK!

ps. I am going to ATXBlogathon on Oct 1 … which is DENISE NEW YEAR!!!!! I booked TODAY!!! YIPPEE SKIPIEE!!!!!

tinyday list

1. my tummy hurts 😦
2. my room is a mess
3. It’s TACO WEDNESDAY!!!
4. MELLOTRON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. NUR EINNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
6. I’m making some videos I forgot to make.
7. I am going to finish some projects today.
8. I am very tired.
9. I love coffee.
10. I feel better. 🙂
11. Dreams are horrible.
12. Wishes are better.
13. I rule!
14. So do you 🙂