Hell in a

I thought I’d write a blog, as I haven’t in a while and my whole personality feels changed and like stars that aren’t allowed to live in space.

1. The fact that my blogging came to a grinding halt around the month of that Particular Election and then just gross weird sputters is not a coincidence.

2. I have not been on social media much. But everyone is done past hearing about this. I get on twitter sometimes to check in and sometimes post things about issues I care about.

I cared a lot about coming out day, and thusly said nothing. Paradox? Maybe. It’s a little confusing.

I went to the capitol and participated in some government enough to notice the futility of such things. Remember government? It’s REALLY hard to do government. The rules are always changing and if you want to do anything to make a difference you have to spend a lot of time researching stuff that they are trying to sneak past deadlines at the last minute in the dead of night and change at the eleventh hour. Nothing is sure and nothing is permanent. And the odds are always stacked. It takes lots of money and lots of time. That’s my take on absolutely every single issue ever that matters. Its all very crooked and not at all honest, seemly, or above board. It’s all dirty pool and immoral as hell. And nothing you want comes to pass except failure and evil triumphing. (not always, but hell….) And I’m sorry I just feel tired and cynical a lot now after mostly silently trying and just failing to make a damn bit of difference.

3. As usual, my breath could improve.

4. America as a nation is living on borrowed time. I have no idea if we can work out our differences here and survive as a nation. I don’t see an America as we know it even existing in fifty years (maybe less). The post apocalyptic worlds we acted out in my improv class during the summer intensive program I took felt eerie, like something cresting just over a possible horizon. And this probably is true in other nations as well, it just might look slightly cosmetically better or maybe way worse…. Or maybe other countries are probably also just kidding themselves and its all probably just a matter of time before everything goes to hell as humans are all shitty people to one another.

5. I tried to go on a diet, “for my health.” It didn’t go well. I’ll try this again next week. This has been a stupid year for food and me. This is a long series of dumb stories I’ll discuss later in life.

6. Back here at home, the only thing to wonder over is whether or not there will be a United States of anything at all, or whether it will be torn apart completely by warring extreme factions and then will descend entirely into anarchy. I’m not personally invested in any outcome–hoping only that as many humans as possible can continue to view one another with compassion and dignity and not break down into a state where we are hunting each other through the streets for food and sport. I hope if those days come, I am not marked as an enemy just because I’m not loudly present in some mob calling for heads and blood.

7. I have some seriously intelligent cats. Genius level. A lot of peopl THINK their cats and children are this level of smart. But mine actually are. They invented a cat language to talk to me, and their own games with complicated kitty rules. Make of this what you will.

8. I have not written any songs in well over a year, except for one in which I am sarcastic and talk about how corn is nasty. Because of my 😂vast😂 and diverse audience I shouldn’t link to it–as it has an Extreme Swear Word in it and I do try at times to be Seemly.

It feels frivolous to make music, like I should be making social commentary instead. Then I read my social commentary and think that my point of view is irrelevant and privileged.

9. I started doing improv, about six months ago. Only doing things that were entertaining and spontaneous and ready-made, DIY sorts of productions … only that seems real and relevant in these times. This is not the right way to think about the subject of improv at large…and is not the point of improv at all. The point of improv is fun and child mind…at least I think so.

I felt like soon we shall all be in roving bands of survivors and will need people with Art Memories. People who could call to mind dramatic form or the ways of storytelling or who could record quickly into any phone or tape or format or play/dance/act any collection of ragtag materials. Anything to tell a tale or song or some semblance of the way things were. The tellers of tales. As we sit by fires in whatever we can scrape together. Mourning the loss of all we were in the last days of our precious “civilization.” Sorry. That got weird. I’ll try again later. I’m crusty at this.

Also, everytime I try to do a thing these days I am interrupted often because these are the days of almost constant interruption. This is why you see less of me. It is as though I have forgotten I have a butt and cannot remember how to sit down!

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Hell in a

THINGS to DO today…

1. Post on G+ after squiqillions of years.

2. Say hello to brain.

3. Floss for SECOND day in a row. This is elementary to some, but not to ME, dear Watson.

4. Practice piano again, as I became allergic to my own musicianship and kinda quit for a while but didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to hear the “awwwww why???” and then have to have the ‘well-why-don’t-you-give-me-MONEY-then-FOOLZ!’ conversation. #ahem

5. Run a bunch of rando errands that take as much time as a real person’s job because I am a meandering Xondorian space cadet  with the attention span of a Concord grape–but I have accepted this, oh yes, I have accepted this.

6. Am considering video blogging and going back to making my rough-ass looking videos even though I have not figured out how to make crisp mountain-fresh cinematography and my YouTubery looks like it has been through a grainy mayonnaise bath. I don’t want to be mistaken for one of the screaming goats. 

Maybe. They’re sort of cute and funny. I could do a lot worse.

THINGS to DO today…

Spositive Tots

1. I was not ready to look at the Internet this morning. No social media, no messages, no email. I think if I get some more of ME done, I can do this. But not yet.

2. On Tuesday, which is the tomorrow of this week–I have the dentist. Oh yes, you can be sure I will floss today as though I have been flossing all along. But you have all heard this before.

  3. Just listened to the Netflix Ted Talk on Starting a Movement (#dontYOUjudgeMEforcheese) and saw it explained that it is often a brave observer joining in with the Lone Nut with a good idea which starts a Thing. I think my problem has been in a word–disenchantment. I never believe in the godlike qualities of the nuts I come across for long, and prefer to forage for the nuts in my own sack of this delightful metaphor in the grand scheme of the wheel in the land on the time in the ultimate ever cheese (what?)

4. This is why I ate wine and cheese for dinner last night, late. But someday I will have even more nice things through the power of Spositive Tots. 

 

“tater’s gonna” ~d.mcA
 
‘tot mob’ ~d.mcA
  

Spositive Tots

“Do I Want To?”

  
January. Not quite the start that I hoped for, but I am resolute.

I think one of the things that I have learned over the years is that I can only control what is INSIDE of me. I can’t expect perfection out of my grand plans. From these Resolutions. There is something to be said for the small, bite-sized goals–even though I prefer to be grandiose. I have allowed myself some grand plans, then. But they are not set in stones. So I have only made one real RESOLUTION; and lots of detailed, flexible lists.

My resolution? Just a question. 

“Do I Want To?”

More of a guiding principle, really. And then of course, the follow-on. 

“Then why am I______?” 

It could apply to everything. Places you are going. Clothes you are wearing. Food you’re stuffing into your mouth. Relationships you continue, or that you decide against will to break off because your family or friends disapprove. Alcoholic drinks you are consuming or maybe you are being too restrictive with your diets or excessive rules you apply to yourself. Do you really want to police every bite of sugar you eat all until the end of your days? Maybe not. Maybe YES. Who knows? Trips you are taking or are deciding not to take because you think you cannot afford them or they are too impractical. Maybe the wise choice, or maybe you are trying to please your inner miser. Or someone else’s …..

Think. About. What. YOU. Want. Your inner child. Your inner old person on their deathbed. WHAT DO THEY WANT? What will they say “DAMMIT, YOU!!!! Why didn’t you ______?!?!?!”

Then, do the things that you can control. You can try to do everything that is in your control that doesn’t involve making other people do things. Example: I can make music, but I might not get a Grammy Award. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try; that it can’t be a GOAL. I might even make it a goal.

#107. Write Grammy Speech.
#108. Collect award
#109. Don’t get drunk at party, old woman.

You can start dating again, but you may not be able to make that ONE guy love you. Maybe he’s just not that into you. Who knows? It’s just maybe not in the cards. Time moves forward. 

This is how being an individual in your own sphere of influence under your own control works. You are autonomous. You are part of a community, but you are unbreakable because you create your own options.

This is wildly unorthodox thinking. We are programmed to think of what our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our religions … Everyone but ourselves–might wish. But in the absence of our own wills deciding and of our own wills determining what we are basing our guiding principles on, chaos will rush to fill a vacuum.

I could say a lot more about the particular types of chaos that each of us might battle in our lives–but I think those are our own autobiographies. I have not decided how much I will start leaking out about my own, here. The nature of blogs has changed since I started my livejournal in 2001ish. But I can tell you that I once thought I would make all my back journals “private” because they just didn’t look very clean or professional. And now, I don’t care. I once went through this time called my 20s and 30s. I was younger and a little more immature. I was going through these times where I was growing and I had to learn stuff. 

I’m not editing a damn thing. Mistakes were made.

And even now, nasty surprises may come up. As a person, I’m a glorious mess. So yes to the pulling out of a rug of support under one’s feet when it is least expected. The changing of plans at last minute. The mercurial nature of finances. The invisibility of germs as long as they do not attack my more vulnerable friends (although they certainly mess me up QUITE enough). The heaping of emergencies on top of one’s head. All of the above and all at the same time, and all during the tenacious clinging of a nasty winter/summer/seasonal/jet-lag depression that is confusing as hell and won’t quite get shaken off. Maybe this makes better songs, sharper poetry. Maybe this creates CONTENT. It’s utterly miserable but I don’t care. Progress brings me out of it and makes me stronger and more resolute. And I remember that I can succeed. Plus, my lists are back on track. I have huge plans. I have a great support system in my life and at home. I’m very lucky in many ways that my worst enemy is myself. 
I will get braver this year and stop worrying about what shadows and phantoms lurking in the darkness might be thinking. I will continue to try to find the light, whatever this means. And no, things aren’t going poorly and I’m lucky and life is positive. As always, I could stand to lose a few pounds and for my dental hygiene to improve, as well as my mixing. I have serious plans for all of those concerns. Old patterns=old quilts. 

“Do I Want To?”

dreams of wet laundry.

Photo on 11-11-15 at 10.13 PM

1. My sleep cycles are shark attack-whack.

2. I am having dreams about laundry. Whats wrong with me?

3. I’M WRITING NON-CONTEST SONGS! JUST ‘BECAUSE.’

AND PERFECTING THEM and PRACTICING. I WROTE THIS in CAPS BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT. Am BEHAVING like a PROFESSIONAL. ZOOOP!

4. I have a pervasive headache but have gotten rid of the bad habit of using Lowercased “i” to refer to my Bad Self. Schwing.
5. No, not a “headache.”

6. I want some coffee.

7. The laundry I dreamed of was still wet from the washer and boring. It was in Australia (not boring) and my mother-in-law wanted us to take it to my sister-in-law’s house so we could hang it up on a clothesline for all to see it a’flapping in the breeze all Continental Style and stuff. Because it’s fine to just let your undies fly in Alternative Laundry Cultures. Furrrf. #underworldproblemsthatAreNotReallyproblems

8. There was a jaunty trumpet solo in my dream, but this is not really relevant.

9. I want more chocolate, but my rear end grows ample.

10. A Loving Friend who I go WAY BACK with gave us tickets to see Neil Gaiman tonight. I’ll write about this on the internet later like someone who is culturally observant. SERIOUSLY.

11. I have stuff to say about dental hygiene, but it’s a REALLY HARROWING TALE involving Irresponsible Pinterest Usage, a nasty chemical burn, an only slightly kerfliffly immune system, an actual trip to the dentist, non-denominational and playful supplications to an undefined household faerie of Tooth Care/Antiinflamatories/Antibiotics, HARD CORE Mouthwashes made by Advanced Industry, and a comfy sweater. I think I’ve said enough.

12. Another friend got me lipsticks for my birthday that were sent in a package. One of the VERY NICE (YSL!) lipsticks is in a flash and grown-up shade I have nicknamed “FBI Agent Red.” I’d look pretty fetch in an Agent Scully get up about 20 pounds ago sporting this shade before I cheese popcorned it all off of my greedy little gummer. The glosses are nice and class-act too. I might wear one to the show tonight, with my green skirt and a top appropriate to my advancing age. Earrings too. Why not go for broke? It’s almost my birthday and I should seize this golden age.

Winter is coming, my gremlin comrades.

dreams of wet laundry.

boring post

1. I got a LOT done this week.

2. Wrote all or part of 10 songs.

3. I could stand to do more housework.

4. not drinking enough water. but I’m getting enough sleep.

5. I have new shoes. They’re cute. My sweater is also new and my hair is pink!

6. I’m back in martial arts!!! WHOOOO!

7. Doing Nur Ein again, as I mentioned before.

8. My breath could improve. I know we’ve discussed this before. I’ll floss real soon.

9. This is so boring.

10. I think things will certainly improve.

boring post

a tiny list

1. I’ve been doing this thing where I completely overhaul my poetry because I’m not sure who I Am. I’m just going with it. It’s because I’m real artistic.
 

EXAMPLE:


My enigmatic poems lurch nauseatingly forth, adverb laden, pretentious, pregnant with pregnancy
like barbecue sauce across the surface of The Lord’s good tablecloth
utterly Not Doing it For Precisely
Anyone at All…

2. I drink too much lately, I’m just going to admit that. MEASURES are in place. I’m WAY to old to start over-drinking in my 40s. That is NOT the way to have a mid life crisis. I need a convertible, or an exotic lover who smells like spice market and wears a caftan and Mysterious Sunglasses and also has 3 Swiss Bank accounts in his disposal and a private plane. I’m naming him Thor. Because that’s way reasonable to think ‘I’ve done MY damn time! I should get a THOR!’

3. It’s not apropriate or Right to own A Thor in these judgy and unfriendly times, so I require a droid. Just think … A droid with a minibar and other special amanatees. #counterproductive

4. I think I’m not blogging as much because of my Attitide Problem. There’s no vaccination for an attitude problem so no one is immune, they still run rampant and are the leading cause of unnecessary depth.

5. I think one of my secret internet identities might be a Sociopath, but I’m not sure. She shows no remorse and just does as she likes. she also doesn’t care if I floss, and this has been the problem ALL ALONG with the obsession with dental hygiene in this blog. 

6. I’d tell you more about the state of My Bod, but that’s a slippery slope (not literally).

7. THIS JUST IN. There is now a #7 here, because there used to be 2 #5s (on accident) and one was not formatted correctly. So this is a bonus. I still am going to be eating cheese, for now.

a tiny list