a blog about nothing.

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1. I was going to write a Facebook note, but decided against it. Remember notes? Notes were cool. I liked notes. I was going to write one and I figured if my Friends got to the bottom of the note, then they will have read the whole thing. I supposed if they got through it without complaining of boredom, then I’d keep writing them. Or maybe I wouldn’t. Who knows.
2. That’s a photo of me in my 20s playing the guitar. Yesterday, it was my birthday. I’m 43 now. Then just right there below is a photo of me now. Pretty freaky!
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3. I think perhaps I’m tired or something. I’ve really been dragging lately. I’ve decided to try these goofy new supplements. I’m not going to discuss them with the internet, but we’ll see how they go. I put a LOT of work into researching them and they go really well with all my medicine that I am not admitting to taking or saying that I don’t take either. In fact, this paragraph didn’t even happen. I don’t even exist. Just move on to the next thing.
4. I once described this as the Seinfeld of blogs. When I did this, my husband sent me this link which went into vast details about post-modern thought in comedy and how things had evolved. I was not amused and felt like I was being told that my sense of humor was an asshole and that people ten years younger or so than me were a kinder, more intellectual and evolved species of human. This irked me and made me think that I was being told I was some kind of artistic orangutan. I think that my reticence to make everything I write into some kind of a morality play because I don’t WANT to be that ethically superior person dates me. Or maybe it doesn’t.
5. I have a headache.
6. I’m not making excuses.
7. I need a newer computer. Or maybe I just THINK I do. Maybe I can wait. I haven’t decided yet. I think we just THINK we need new things. Maybe it’s a disease.
8. I don’t understand a lot of what has happened in 2016. But I accidentally wrote a book of pretty substantial essays. I don’t want to talk much more about it for fear that I will jinx it though.
9. Why do I want a smart watch? Why? I know I don’t need one. Next I’ll want a chip in my brain, or a flying car. Sigh …..
10. I had coffee too late in the day again. Also, I think my older notes were more intellectual. But I could be wrong about that.
11.There’s no rule saying that items must make sense or that I have to stop at ten.
12. I haven’t turned on chat in any of my apps in thousands of years. I don’t want people to get a hold of me. It seems like going voluntarily to the dentist.
13.You can’t stop at 13. It’s bad luck. I have a house ghost. There’s protocols to follow.
14. I’ve been sneezing a lot today. Maybe this is what my headache is. Or maybe it’s something more dastardly.
15. I still like capitalizing nouns sometimes, and there’s nothing anyone can do about my need to do this precious habit-Thing.
a blog about nothing.

2dust

henryblood
see note below on photo. mixed media of kitchen items. (cup, knife, icing container, food coloring)

I wrote a Spintune which I may or may not release on the evening of Sunday the 24th while waiting to finish up the Hudson and Day shadow track for Round 2, of Spintunes 8 – which is supposed to be about hatred and also we may not finish it but we don’t have to because it’s a shadow entry. That means that we’re not competing because we got eliminated because:

I had to update:
*Mavericks
*Cubase 7
*Pianoteq
*my Play software
*my Apogee drivers
*my midi interface
a bunch of other things I can’t remember

….also, the learning curve on Cubase 7(.5) from Cubase 5 is substantial. The upgrade process wiped out simple things like my keycommands and those sorts of things. My entire workflow that I’ve worked a few years of these contests getting used to had to be rebuilt from the ground up. I had to keep telling myself “no. You are not getting paid. This is Spintunes. If you are late or turn in a horrible entry, no one will explode. You will move on from this. And Alyssa is a cool cucumber. She can handle herself. You’ve sucked before and she’s been groovy about it.”

Alyssa is good because she’s fierce.

But this round, I don’t know if we’ll do it. We didn’t have a good go recording Round 1 because of that massive recording drama and there were also dramatic other things in my brain when I wanted to write a blog and talk about some of this stuff. I wanted to interact with my community and talk about some of the stuff that had been happening to me, but instead I ended up suspending my Facebook account.

It was a harrowing week for many reasons.

I say all of this because our character from Round One was kind of smacked around the head by the kind of relationship that leaves you in what I think of as the wounded 90s Alterna-Musician waif-mascara in the shower running down your face in your negligee sort of State. You can’t really hear sound waves around you and everything feels like bubble wrap. In a way, our song succeeded, because there were moments of Almost-Beauty stuck in between these WTF times. It might have been better as a companion to my ‘Verge of Tears,’ but way more extreme – like ‘Patient No. 7‘ but far sadder. I do that all the time, string the stories into character group-lets. So Round 1 and Round 2 could join this in sort of a Horrible Accident Suite. Who knows? I have cross-pollinated character stories across all my ensembles and solo work – I should make a mind map or something to keep it all organized.

Anyway, I think maybe 2.5 – 3 of the judges might have grokked us the last round. No matter. I think I expressed how I felt about the whole round just fine. I got over being embarrassed that computers don’t Do My Bidding. I consider myself awesome that I try to mount large scale productions when I could just as easily grab my iDevice and do a quick mix of the both of us or download some much easier editing tools. I’m trying to learn some heavy hitting software and really delving into some crazy midi editing and making the pianos and I’m trying to rebuild my tape machine now and there’s really no limit to the number of things I’ve got going on in this room. Not that I’m comparing to anyone/anything/anyCylon else, it’s just that I’m maximizing the opportunity and not going for the easy, lazy way out just because I know what I could do to make people like me. I’ve learned enough about these contests by now. I’ve been in them since 2009, 2010? Just to give myself a little thrill I entered a Songfight and I decided to get help on the mastering because I liked the song. I suck at mastering right now, so I figured that I’d do what I needed to do to let the song have breathing room and not shoot itself in the foot.

This is not to say I haven’t thrown myself into contests and been disappointed and not seen why things played out a certain way. I could write blogs and blogs about what happened during the Nur Ein Cold Comfort round. I probably will write about that particular bout of user error one day …… This Spintune, I am happy to report, was not user error.

Think of it. If I waited until the Contests Were Over to do upgrades to my computer, when would this happen?IMG_3694

Why do you think that none of my files are in order and I don’t have an album or a website?!?

I’ll NEVER be ready!

But I think of this little Waiting Song at least as kind of an answer to the first song that we did even though that song CLEARLY wasn’t ready. I pushed it through anyway. I don’t like to not hit the deadlines (<-what kind of GRAMMAR is this????!?!), particularly when other people are involved. But I/we weren’t able to get it across the way I wanted to. Alyssa’s first instincts about the melody were correct, and it was just a really long week waiting for me. But my goals for this contest are to get a Round 2 with more movement and push in it, and to re-do the Round 1 the way we want. This can happen anytime before the earth is destroyed really, as well as recording any other entries from the previous contest we did and when she guest-spotted on my first NurEin (including other sucky go’s we’ve had at any other songs we’ve done). I wanted to at LEAST re-record Round 1 to My Satisfaction by Monday Night’s listening party – and also get round 2 done. I had some other little things I wanted to do too. I’d told several people about a couple little Stupid Gems. I always strut big and don’t deliver, but I don’t care. People cope. Now I don’t even know if I’ll send in the little shadow I guess I did solo to amuse myself. It was really more to express myself and what we were doing and my recording and my feelings about these contests and etc. anyhow now I’m rambling trying to make a living and doing the best IIIIIII caaaaaannnnnnnn…

I really need to go to sleep. I actually heard that in the grocery store the other day. I’ve edited this entry several times.

Anyway … I think we’re on track. And if we’re not, we’re not on track in an on track type of way.

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*the photo is from a G+ post I made with a poem in it. I was feeling all macabre and the song I just wrote today did reminds me of that. It’s food coloring. I thought … perhaps this is upsetting for people or a provocative or violent image. But I’m going to leave it up because it beautiful and it is my blog. I live my life in a disclaimer-y fashion and I have to stop for a moment.
Aside

A Fascinating Tidbit I Wish I’d Read Long Ago …

(from the ‘CUBASE 7 USER MANUAL, p. 343)

Correcting the Local Definition Grid

In some situations, you might not be able to get satisfying results with the “Auto Adjust” function. In this case you can manually modify the grid and tempo of your audio file.”

Gee. Thanks Song Faeries. 

#toolittletoolate. 🙂

A Fascinating Tidbit I Wish I’d Read Long Ago …

Flargsday.

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Hello. It’s mid-January and I’m crying in a drugstore parking lot.

Some random person honked at me. In a rude way. Also my mascara is running. Smooth.

I’m not going to pretend to be okay right now. I’m going to go ahead and admit a little bit of New Year defeat and bootstrap it up because my new 2014 thing is Try Again Immediately. It’s going to be a year of Awesome Bold Tries and Massive Honesty and Glorious Spectacular Fail.

Today I found out my Important Medicine Doctor is retiring this summer. This puts a HUGE boot through my plans. I can trace the demise of my sanity back to my really bad reaction over the departure of another doctor of mine, but that’s a long story for another Mental Health Day.

Today I:
1. Am off my medicine routine.
2. Am back on the smack(s):
i.e.
-diet coke
-cigarettes
3. my sleep is screwed.
4. I drank Vodka last night. Yes. JUST vodka. Like I’m in my 20s. But I’m NOT.
5. I’m practicing, but not really.
6. I’m avoiding some stuff and things. and stuff.
7. My Cylon is winning the war and gives me nothing but sass.
8. I’ve been mean to my kitchen so my laundry is giving me the silent treatment.
9. My engineering lacks subtlety or finesse.
10. I’m elderly and boring and Un-Sexy.

Thanks for Flying Emo Airlines. Tomorrow is another Day.

Flargsday.

a tough weekend.

I have been dutifully dealing with the cylon. The more I find, the more Resolute I feel, and the more I feel like taking Several Long showers to wash this Stupid Year away. July, August, and Septemmber in Particular were stupid. But I think that when you have a parent die (circa 2007), you tend to do anything you can to bury yourself in distractions for as many years as you can. Perhaps you convince yourself that you are taking care of yourself even if you are doing the opposite. Things do Not have to be as difficult as we make them, perhaps.

This was the entry I wrote in the second week of August. I was in a lot of pain, and needed more than I was getting out in the RatRace. I should have laid on the couch and remained very quiet and close to home. There was nothing for me out in the Big Scary World. I will take that lesson next time and use it to replenish myself and come back smiling and free. 🙂

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1. tomorrow is the four year anniversary of when my mother left us. i don’t even quite know how to put that, still. this has been a tough week for many reasons. it’s been tough to concentrate. i have had a rough time remaining professional. i have not gotten a lot of credit for it. but when i have, it has been resounding and supportive and really building up – and effective. and appreciated. if not necessecelery consistent.
2. I’m going to finish this blog and probably sign off most social media for a day, maybe more. I say this, but i am kind of addicted. I don’t know if this is a societal problem or a problem with me. I am definitely having some issues lingering around and am definitely in a place of transition. i do believe this is temporary. I’ve been trying to wrap some stuff up and get some things done. Some I have. Some got done the way I wanted, some didn’t. I think I know which direction I’m going to head in though so this is good. Do I think that some day I will stop speaking in generalities? NEVAR!!!!!
3. I do know that it HAS been a rough year. I think that this person I’m about to mention will understand what I am about to say more than I can explain, but I think I would like to say a special thank you to Jules Sherred for giving me some recognition this week. I have been working hard to be honest, and classy, and to act in a certain way that denotes being calm and unruffled. Seldom do I like to lose my cool online even if alarming things are happening in my personal life or right under the surface of me. Or if I am having difficult anniversaries. I have gotten a little worse at burying things in my lyrics and masking all my pain.
4. the attention and ground that I have gained in the last few months that has been positive and healthy has been of the sort that I can build on and it is the sort that I am going to need to start surrounding myself with and craving. I am really starting to change and grow. As addicted as I think I am to drama – I think that the calmer I keep my life and the tighter rein I keep on my drama, the better off things are. I am learning to do this. I am learning to do this and still remain me. I think it’s all about the people we allow into us. I think it’s important. And it is important to forgive ourselves for the mistakes that we make. We all have the ability to take many many showers and cry tears of snot over Deeply Upsetting Stupidities which derailed us for Long Whiles. And then get back on our horses with Changed Minds.
5. I look at situations I was embroiled in, say, before my mother died. I think – what the hell was I thinking? Why the hell would I want to go back there for? There are all these nostalgia things happening now. As much as I think it was a terribly charming time in the 1990s – I am ready to … well
……

just …not! okay? just … um ….
No. I don’t think I WILL….. come to think of it! 🙂

a tough weekend.

HERE! Another blog RIGHT AWAY from the likes of ME! You are terribly excited. You have been waiting with shark-bait-breath. Yep. The excitement is SWELLING in you NOW!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

1. so. it continues to be a good weekend. i’m actually getting a lot of planning done. hard head work.
2. The Killers is a good band, actually, I think.
3. I am starting to get into music again. I have been listening to *my* music, and it is rejuvenating me. Lots.
4. The cylon and I will soon reach an understanding and come to a resting point in negotiations. Many files will be put in a hard drive, and that hard drive will be put off to the side.
5. I am SO excited because I’m going to leap up onto another plateau. I know that sounds really weird, because usually it’s a steady climb up a slope of a ladder. For me it is a series of plateaus. And when I get to the end of one of them I have grown really really tired of it.
6. This plateau has lasted about six or so more months than it should have, but I really need to forgive myself for this. When you don’t have all the information you need – plus you are sick – you have to cut yourself a little slack.
7. When I “level up,” to use a phrase that you kids have been teaching me 😉 … I think this time I am going to have to learn to play more. Not take things so seriously. Not have things so set in stone. Not have rules that hold so hard and fast. To be a little more flexible. To be a little more fearless. To *own* my risks a lot more so that when they totally backfire I can say “ha-ha” and not boo-hoo. Because before I protected myself from all risk. And now it is tempting to say “see, this is why I did that! I TOLD you so! All Cretans ARE liars!” 🙂
8. I make a lot of Grand Proclamations about what I am going to do, and then I end up eating a lot of Blueberry Waffles and procrastinating about my plans.

Well, tough tilapia, people! I am a creative soul who is easily bored. I will probably continue to play football at the hyperbowl – angry as all get out when the other team wins and takes the shiny pretty trophy away from me. Because it seems that I can never really WIN *Anything!*

9. Oh dear sweet Raddicchio. They’re playing ‘Patience’ by GNR on the loudspeaker at the hotel bar. I think I’d probably die if I had to perform the whistle-part to that in public. I’d never make it through. I can tell you that the rest of the clientele where we are probably do not feel all that turned on by my Axl Rose impersonation. Even though I think it is TERRIBLY thrilling. And Spot On. I am SOOOO serious about that. I have it DOWN.
10. Today, if you are reading this and you liked it, you should tell your 3 closest friends about it. They are currently TOTALLY being deprived of Me. 🙂
(yeah, I’m a nut. But if you were here I’d give you a hug. Or do my Axl-impersonation for you. Hey… where are you going? Would you like a jaunty business card??????? HEY!!!)