scary-pants gnomes

Here is a post I wrote in the middle of the night upon my phone and I guess I thought ‘I should not upload this because I am asleep.’ I am glad that Sleepy Denise has some discretion. This is a Good Sign. I shall upload it now because Awake Me thinks differently and is amused. Also, here is a photo because my blog looks like mashed potatoes lately. It’s another frickkin gnome, I realize … a gnome in the snow from long ago … but I’m thinking that perhaps it might help me think of a Scary Song if I finish all my chores. I have not written a song at all in MANY MOONS since BatP finished L’Occitaine and so Fruuuuugh.


1. am up in middle of night. Can form basic cave person sentences. Me apple, you bacon. We llama, you garden hose. Don’t order the artisan grits. Meow.
2. that didn’t mean anything.
3. I had a dream earlier tonight about 2 of my old friends arguing with me in a speedboat about the Internet and music and writing. I think it’s a sign. These were people from long ago, or from more pivotal times of ME when different decisions should have been made. And I know that the me I am now, inside, is a different me than the one people might assume they are dealing with.
4. I know that this is about me, getting my work done. I know I need to protect my own flow. I’ll work on this.

I have no idea what I was talking about.
the Me of Today

ps. scandalous Cherry Pi did participotato with Dr. Lindyke in the first round. I’m not claiming much responsibility for this.

Old Elderly Birthday-Unbirthday

I found THE old post I wrote but didn’t publish for some weirdo reason on my 39th birthday, 2.5 years ago. I thought I’d show it now for your a-moose-mint. And to motivate myself because I was already feeling elderly when I was still youngirly. So I need to get over it and suck it up! Chop choppitty!!

1. this is my last thirties year. i do not feel like an elder-berry. so I am not going to Act like One.
2. I have a feeling of urgency regarding goals. This probably has to do with a kicked up libido, the feeling that I am running out of hooks, tests that have indicated wonky kidney function, decreased attention span when reading historical biographies and informational texts, a decreased tolerance for alcohol and steak, my body starting to argue with my predilection for eating candy and keeping weird hours, the presence of electric guitar players in my general destiny, and increased eye wrinkles.
3. My right shoulder hurts and I am fixing to go to the movies. The whole town is at Formula 1. Aerosmith is in town. I did not ask them to dinner. This has less to do with the kitchen being a mess and more to do with the fact that they are Famous People and I do not have access to their phone numbers.
4. If I did, I would make them listen to some Billy and the Psychotics stuff – because that’s the stuff I’m having people listen to lately when I say “hey, look at this cool stuff I do,” and I think we’re getting pretty consistently good.

5. I’m not just being silly, I don’t think.


If you look to the side of my blog (if you are on my blog and not reading this on some other sort of thing), you can see that I have Fetching Pink Hair. This makes me Happy. πŸ™‚

I am having some snickky health problems that are making me Un-Happy. Ever since my concerning health problems of 2008, and then again the ones that I had over the last 2-3 years, I have assumed that every time I get a Weird Body Twinge – this time it is The Cancer. I am certain I will only dodge the bullet for so long and that soon my number will be up despite a fortune teller assuring me that I will be an old woman and also I am superstitious.

Photo on 2013-05-31 at 15.52

It has turned out to NOT be a huge problem it is a combination of Stress and Aging. I think that perhaps I am not really aging gracefully but am being dragged into my 40s kicking and screaming like a 6-year-old. This is not very seemly or dignified and I am going to try to do better and not holler and Carry On Cranky in the restaurant of life about not liking the Adult Menu of Destiny and that I would rather have the mac and cheese and Menu Crayons and also I don’t have to do what you say, Mr. Poopy Pants! So There, Underwear!

So when I get all wound up in this way I get all shrill and impossible to live with and I slurk around getting nothing done but worrying and obsession. This is unfortunate, because I just cowrote a cool song about a bounty hunter that is up at songfight by Billy and the Psychotics and you should go listen to the fight and vote for it and other good ones if you feel so inclined-plane. Even now, I am trying to review it today but I have gotten only halfway through them because when I write reviews of anything my documents are encyclopedias of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……

I have the relatively new iPhone (pictured) but have not turned on SIRI because I feel that she is creepy. Also, I have a sandwich that would like to be eaten. I know. It told me. Sandwiches are smart.


1. it is fine to fall asleep upon your couch, if you are a snake.
2. when a snake purchases a couch, s/he must get delivery. Also they require assssssisssssstanccccce with their wallet.
3. Another song will come out today. Well, probably many will, but I mean another Psychotics song. For now, it’s going to be the only way that I participate in the contests unless the song faeries scream at me. It’s time for other things to happen; time to finish things from before that have been left undone. I feel okay about this, because I tend to feel odd if I’m not actively involved in a Thing making new material. Like I’m killing a practice routine.
3b. I came back in here because one of the things I’m doing is that I’ve changed two of my old contest songs I dislike and made them into one song that I like more. Right now, it plays well live. Soon, I’ll do a decent demo. It may go on part of The Project. Teaser: I’m calling it ‘If I Had One more Time To Panic.’
4. I’ve been stuck in troubling practice cycles before. Practicing is good, but I once gave myself tendinitis. I was never as good. When you hurt a part from working it too hard, those muscles and other moving parts don’t trust as much again.
Sometimes when I practice, I can hear my body thinking “yeah, right…” and I feel myself tense up.
5. I’d be a looser and less tense performer if I were a snake. But this would be irrelevant. Snakes don’t have hands.


1. this morning I am wearing Charming Pyjammas (A word I refuse to argue with the Spelling Faeries over). I took a photo, for your perusal.
2. my brainstormy list of things to do is disorganized and frightening and it’s really no wonder I sit around drooling a lot.
3. New hair tomorrow! No idea what color I will be… πŸ™‚
4. It is time for Autocorrect and me to have a STERN set of HARSH WORDS about It PREEMPTING everything I say-dammit. I clearly look Silly and Incomp-a-toad. And I donut like this. Not one tiny bait.
5. My friend that does my hair thinks my music is great but that I’m a Writer, really. It’s a good time for a hair appointment…
6. Billy and the Psychotics got reviewed at Song Fight by Jim of Seattle. If you don’t know what this means I shall just tell you that it was really cool and told me a lot, some of which I already knew. I got some ideas on how to solve The Problem (Me vs. Consistently Writing a Melody/Hook). Solving the problem is HARD. I did better this week (we’re active at; also managing to pull off not sounding like the Mucinex Faerie.
7. My piano is tuned!!! YAY!!! I had something bloggy to say about Mr. Nick Litterski, whose name is Difficult to Spell; and I think it had something to do with his fixing of the sustain pedal and all the hilarious innuendo one can gather when you are using exciting and inventive techniques to make sure one does not suffer from continued pin slippage which affects the sustain pedal’s ability to perform. The proffered solution indeed rose to the occasion; my pedal is working smoothly thus far, and I am acting like a real tool right now in this blog. I think I even said “that’s what she said” before “I am totally blogging this!” Anyway, back in six months to check for the tightness of tuning pegs. I’m totally in the wrong field. Or maybe not, as I am both a lyricist, and a cad. πŸ™‚


update-y mcFreak post.

1. I have been selected to participotato in a not really all that secret Thing. It’s like a compilation album. I am sure that my friend Brigitte London, a musician of the Outlaw Country persuasion, selected me because of my cleverness and ninja abilities, and not because of my glittering resume (even though I’m kinda-shiny-sometimes-aly). Nonetheless, I will endeavor to send them a somewhat bitchin’ track (this will be easy because I have been in song contests and especially songfighting – and My New Peers have been growling and insulting my work on a weekly basis so I am not worried about crumbling under professional scrutiny). It has just been a matter of which track. I have asked a few people, not too many, and have narrowed it down and (most likely) chosen one.
2. I am a little worried about my bio, although I sent it to my bud Jules and she said I look fine and gave me helpful hints. I will probably not tell dirty jokes in the bio, for example or mention @suspiciousden’s Dailybooth … so Jules is a good person to ask about these things because she knows how to bottle the creepy factor when need be (I’m sure she is enjoying this blog) … As far as where on earth these extremely well organized and professional people are going to be able to find me on the interwebs, since I am all over it like a bad rash, I may whine a little more:
3. Go to Go ahead. There’s nothing there, is there? Well, that’s pretty sad, isn’t it. This is because I have the internet aptitude of a three year old. This is why you are currently reading this poorly designed wordpress content here and not in a zippier, sexy location of my choosing – with mood lighting and incense and dancing boys and chocolate and internet squirrels bringing you virtual Courvoisier.

my website will be this smooth and fly. like Griffpig. The World’s Coolest Sunglasses.

But I am going to attempt to rectify this situation like RIGHT NOW since I own the place, meaning my name. I refused to Sell to Worthier Denise-s, no indeed – not at Any Price. But sadly, I know NADA-NADA-Enchalaladada about such things.
4. But I can do it because I have many, many brain cells. Together they make AN ENTIRE BRAIN. So guess what goblins… I’m going to USE that brain to MAKE WEB HISTORY. And just LOOK OUT!!! Blogathon is NEXT MONTH! You know it!
5. However, I will probably be whining a LOT because we are also MOVING houses during this time when I suddenly have to make it seem like I have been an active member of the music community and not like I have just been sitting on my tuckus producing content.
6. Yes, I know I can use a Psychotics track for this compilation. Duh…..I should have gone as a Psychotic for Nur Ein, and for Halloween. We all know this. Flarg. This is HIGH on my list of consideration, seeing as this is my most Awesomeist of material and will Blend Best. Stay Tuna-ed.

I can’t even think anymore and there is pizza to be had. I will probably make an exciting google plus list later, and stalk the rest of the Honeys maniacally across the internet, becoming ever more intimidated with each passing click. I know that this is not The Point of camaraderie and fellowship and internet collaboration and that living in a tiny cave practicing my scales should come to an end. This will be good for me. I am an Upwardly Mobile Producer of Content and Country Musicians everywhere want me to go to their Barn Dances even though I came from the planet of Xondor. Yee-haw, y’all.

bunch of stuff.

1. I am SILLY behind on my blog-thing-lets. And music-stuff-lets. Also my house is a mess, and I got food poisoning trying to make cookies. I cleverly neglected to tell my roommate this, and he does not read my blog (this will be the one time he does, and then he will say something about me eating raw cookie dough because I strutted around like a Superdough Eating Cookie Hero (what?!?!)). oh! that reminds me! I forgot to put up the photos of Couch Kitty and I that I took when we were trying to get the vocals done for ‘It Always Gets Better.’ I am SOOOOO forgetful!!!

2. I have:
Blogathon coming up at the end of April.
Nur Ein coming at the middle of April
-ongoing stuff happening with Psychotics because it’s going too well not too keep going on with it.
-stuff I really need to finish that I’m in the middle of doing for some other online friends that they’ve probably lost all hope of me ever completing. This is for like three different projects.
3. I have a million blog entries to tag. I tagged some poems in my blog with the tag “poetry” and immediately people started looking at my blog. Activity on my blog increased by a substantial amount. I started thinking “I wonder what would happen if I started including photographs and tagging and tweeting and doing lots of stuff for ALL my entries ALL the time and just really linking stuff really well and publicizing things a lot better.” I realized I may be onto something there because my content, I think, is of pretty high quality and people seem to have a good time dealing with me when forced to hang out in my Precidence. That’s not even a word, but that is how the oatmeal sprinkles, my ducklings.
4. I’m just not that much of a hat person anymore, I realized yesterday.
5. Here is a photo of fluffy’s book which I am reading. more news on that when I have finished it. I was very excited when it came in the mail:

I am really incredibly tired and should tag and link this up. So I’m going to sacrifice any further content for cool-a-bility. Which is killing me. Well, I’ve linked up. So I will now make up a word.


HAPPY V-DAY: Confessions -a list

1. It’s Valentines Day. It’s tempting to be angry.
2. I am married to a wonderful man and he makes me very happy and very disgusted and very angry and we have been together for over 13 years. That’s a long time.
3. Thirteen is a really unlucky number. This is what my songwriting partner of Billy and the Psychotics and I have agreed upon. We have not written a song in three rounds. This makes me (and I think him) really sort of blue – but we don’t have time for that: me because I’m behind on so much stuff including exciting things for other people. I don’t have any business mooning over music which has been making me happy and thrilling my soul because it’s easy to write and rocks in five minutes or less. We will be back to it when the list scrolls back to the top. At the end of this day and especially the end of this week things are going to get a lot easier for me.
4. All of my silliness this year has messed up my other music making because I have actually sat in front of other open projects and thought through the thousands of other upsetting things that could go wrong interpersonally JUST LIKE what has previously happened to me and so have shut down my software and lain down to do nothing or watch stupid YouTube videos of seventeen people playing one accordion or whatever. Because I am sure that disaster of epic proportion is lurking around every corner. You have to be a pretty big screw-up to flitz out of as many situations as I have. I’m having to add other limbs to count the mistakes that Have Been Made 😦 yeah, it increases my songwriting opps. So what?! Yes, I’ve written MANY tunes and made them into Cryptic Relationship Numbers too. Whatevermonkey……
5. Although 13 is an unlucky number, I know that Mike and I can make it through because we have done it before. That doesn’t mean that people who don’t and can’t aren’t as good as us or that if we don’t for some reason that we aren’t as good as them. I hope we will always be as close as we are now. Mike is the best man that I know, that’s for sure.
6. I cried a lot in the Spintunes listening party last night. I know other people understood the emotionality of some of that – and I appreciate that.
7. I’m especially glad for a couple of my friends right now and Am trying to pull myself out of this rut quickly so I can work.
8. Tonight we are having a very romantic dinner with my stepfather and my brother and sister in law and we are going to watch funny Internet videos and be glad to be in one another’s company and that we are happy and have a good family that survives and loves each other.

I should also call my father, simply because he is my dad; and it’s Valentine’s Day…

8. I’ve taken a lot of hits over the past year and yes, it’s true; almost died of a broken hearty-depression thing. I know that sounds really Lady-of-Cooking-Onions… But I DID lose over thirty pounds and languish in secret while having to pretend everything was Peachy-Keen-Jellybean and this suited the whole situation to a Capitol T, actually; allowing it to flourish and run amok. I still am a polite creature and wormholes will unravel if I get into things. Sometimes the best way to show love is to walk the earth appearing as though you are a silly, easy-to-Snow Ninny-of-a-Chit. It may kill to think of folks sauntering around laughing at your “ignorance” and fist bumping in the air at the nefarious things that can be accomplished behind a back as STUPID as yours (yours-being-mine); but you let it happen knowing the whole time who and what you’re dealing with … and you do this out of love. For if the deflation of a poofy ego is going to beef up my self worth for the space of an afternoon but not really do much good in the long run…who cares? What good is that? Doesn’t good prevail in the end anyway? Isn’t karma, queen … when you get down to tass bracks?

This is probably why I married who I did. Because Mike and I have been dealing with “who ME?!?!?!?!……..{cute simpering eyelash bat}” people for as long as we’ve known one another and can Spot the Fake from Lands Away.

So our stories ARE complicated but really they are about dying friendships and having to give up the luxury of our naΓ―vetΓ©. It’s sad to be so wrong about myself and the effect I have on people and how my music in particular effects people and the Way Things Work. And I know Mike has felt this way about his own efforts with people before. It’s sad to want to give up. But both he and I are not give-up-py people.

I talked to Mike about this last night and I got a bit snuffaluffuguffy. I think I will always be sensitive and I will always be a dumb little Xondorian who is prone to getting her hair dyed pink and who finds out about reality at the last second. Far too late. WAY after everyone else does.

If this makes me stupid, so be it. I know that I still have a tendency to love and to care too much and to buy into things and to Over-Hope and that I’ll probably cry again. Lots. I’ll cry about this for a long time.

I over invest and I over share and I over hope. I’m not independent and I’m not all that strong and I need lots of help.

But I survive after being burned each and every time.

I INVENTED that $#%^

And really, I am a glass half exploded person. I have love, and I have support. People are catching on, and bothering, and getting it. I just don’t choose to see it because it is risky and I don’t want to lose it if I believe it. I think if I relax into genuine admiration and something that is nice that it will vanish! And then … hurt. I see a comparable career I like and I start to make strides toward it and I second guess every step I make in the right direction. There has to be some OTHER reason for the success. Because I’m damaged. It can’t just be because I’ve worked hard and am a professional. And I can’t live like this anymore. Too much drama….I’m getting too old for this fomtroolery……

Perhaps I shall travel again; and meet some of my new fans some day. Then after I have met these four to eight mysterious people, I shall go home and make mac-n-cheese. Haha. Just kidding, of course!

I am very grateful for them. I am thinking that in the next couple years that I WILL start playing again. It may be start-stop once again, like always. I may meet another person who overwhelms me and promises help and friendship and to take the burdens away only to become dependent upon them and only to have them leave me with pieces left undone and questions about what I do next left unanswered in my mind. But this happens to me and honestly it is part of my artistic process; I’ve come to understand. A cycle of need, cooperation, indulgence, over-involvement, light-betrayal, and then separation. And the I dramatize things (or am painted as doing such!) and go on alone.

Then, years later, when I am free, the past comes back to knock upon my door. And of course I don’t recognize it. I smell it and it’s been marked by its own oddness so I cannot let it in. That’s how things work. All I can do is try my best to be gracious because I truly do not understand how some people actually believe that time stops in rooms that are left in the past behind shut doors – as if animation suspends in a vintage past like an instagram photo…..

I am thankful for my husband, and not afraid or ashamed of the chances we have taken or the honesty we have experienced or the trust we’ve put in one another. It’s been rewarded. When most others have turned away, it’s been rewarded. And he tells me who knows? things could work out for me and we could still succeed despite our wildest expectations at all we want to do!!!

We are VERY lucky that we drink good coffee.

#damnthisblogisemo …..

wuss threshold

1. I practiced a lot today.
2. I’m going to eat tacos.
3. I still have not finished my work, to everlasting chagrin.
4. This shall prolly be another fake list which starts off under list pretense and ends on long number…
:5!. I’m developing a small case of Freakiness. I’m erasing blogs again. I’m pretty sure this is because things suck. That’s the only way I know how to say it. This is the part where I get to smoke a cigarette and drink coffee from my smurf mug and not talk about it. I always feel guilty typing that, but when you are squishy under your microscope slide, obscuring it with a little bit of “FWOOSH” seems reasonable when you’ve proven you can go either way. And I have. Gone that way. It is my destiny #capeovereyes #bwahahahaha

6. HAH!!! You just think I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOO predictable don’t you?!?!?!


#defiance #buffalostance

7. I keep missing a golden window of oppurtunity to get my gift of music done but I am just so in need of practice time and thinking and processing. I have had overload. I am in one of those times in life where…… hmmm. Do I have a dramatic metaphor for this???

it’s like having a medical procedure. Or going to a high school dance after a breakup. Or not being prepared for a math test. Or being in a fight.
You are scared, and it’s low grade at first. Not terror, because I’ve never feared for life for a mounting period of time so I don’t know. Like I haven’t been in a war, or anything. But this is a stomach feeling. You’re alive and you are afraid of what is going to happen next because it is going to SUCK and you are going to hurt like hell. These are the times when people wish they were dead because everyone has a wuss threshhold.

I’ve almost died before, or thought it was the case and feared my death. That actually upps your wuss threshold. But mine is not high enough for the dread not to get tripped when I KNOW that serious physical or emotional pain is coming my way. I hate to throw up, and I hate to cry and I hate to hurt. So I make myself forget things so that I can get through and pretend stuff’s not happening to me. I imagine a worst case scenario. Invariably I am usually presented with something I didn’t plan for. It’s the one part of the Algebra chapter I forgot to read, it’s the kick to my weak side. My exboyfriend walks into the dance and the girl looks like a teacup piglet or a ribboned box of chocolate chip cookies make by a squad of adorable upper woodwind players in happy-face aprons singing Sweet Christmas carols. And they are singing to orphansMy orphans….with ACCENTS !!!!!! My red stilettos are not in fashion and everyone is in sundresses and precious espadrilles. My hair is neon.

31 Flavors of T A C K Y !!!!!


Oh! Yeah! I’m awake!!! Totally! Yeah! I’m SO awake!

Dude! I fell asleep in my own blog over thinking it. This is why I’m not getting things done. I feel kind of sick all the time and I don’t have leftover energy because I’m using the last tiny bits to erase blindingly unkind assaults to my identity that of course actually never happened because of course nobody would ever do that !!!!! ack.

By the way, make a note. For later. This is how it looks when you shoot estrogen into it.

Ten years ago I said I would have a shining moment with someone who made me sit in the shower shaking and crying with the Shakira Mascara of Alanis Level Sorrow because I poured my whole career into him and earlier had had given him a non refundable scented sachet of permanent residual love to keep even if something went horribly wrong because THAT, my froglings, is Desssssssstiny…..
…and this was the last ditch effort.
Last week, my moment came where it flipped around and it all returned to me. I thought I would blog the hell out of that moment.

Someone at the time told me if I was really over the moment I wouldn’t care – I’d be obsessed with something else.


I don’t have time for back story. I am Having a Crisis, y’all.
I would almost prefer you NOT read my blogs of years past though. Because in them you will see how little I have changed in some ways. There is, indeed, nothing new u der the sun, and we are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again. Every day of our lives. So the best I can do is to slow down and just quit REACTING. because that’s what keeps fueling the sugarRushy behavior.

And I know how these things flow. It’s called karma. And she does come around to the Keepers of it. In Eerie, Messy fashion.

And she is, indeed, a bitch. But not to worry, So are Clotho, Atropos, and Lachesis. It’s not really nice to call women that, I hear. But I don’t really react to that either, sadly. Because sadly, sadly, sadly, sadly, sadly…I’ve heard worse. 😦

8. To wrap, I’ve been trying to get a things a little more under control. I’ve got lots of tagging to do. When I realized this blog had a MUCH smaller audience than I thought and that my stats were karked I worked really hard to start making things better because only you can make things change and whining doesnt help a situation or inspire anybody to respect you or your work.

I’ve been working hard musically too. I think I’ve come a really long way. My band Billy and the Psychotics has won two Song Fights now and I don’t talk about it much because things are going really nicely and its when I DONT hem and haw about something that… well… Honestly …

No. I don’t wanna jinx it. Not this time πŸ™‚
Some of Billy and the Psychotics at the Song Fight! Jukebox (with other Psychotic locations)
Here are the fights we won…
1. In Time of Crisis
{note: this is a little racy!!}
(I wanted to put the cool songfight player in here, but wordpress is being deflicted!!!)
2. A Conversation
(Song Fight!)

In closing, I’ve been listening to the Dixie Chicks again. And I kinda like it.

“…crazy with the cheeze whiz”

1. I keep typing things and erasing them. On MANY social platforms. This is only mildly worrying.
2. I’m starting to withdraw, but I’m not really depressed. I’m just kind of sardonically..over the Whole Thing.
3. I realize I sound like I have an attitude problem. It’s true. I have an attitude problem. It’s been developing for quite some time.
4. Here, let me distract you from my Attitude Problem with something Neat I got to be a part of. It’s a song for Cast-Aid which is a group of a lot of nifty people who have podzy-webcast thingies, some of whom are in my side-linky thing there. I did this cover-number before I got REALLY down (which I had done with the LAST of my energy) and that was fun and cheered me up when I heard the finished product. Plus it’s worthwhile.
5. We could talk about my attitude problem. By the time we get to my third exchange though, I’m sure I will be sullen, mutter-y, and passive-aggressive. By the time we are at the end, you will have won and I will be in complete Compliance and Agreement with you.
6. There’s really no need for the discomfort of talking through it now, see? Don’t you feel a lot better? πŸ™‚
7. Go to Song Fight! and listen to the latest Billy and the Psychotics track. We finished it last minute, on Christmas Eve-eve this time. It was the only other thing I chose to do that I didn’t feel like doing because I did not feel like doing anything. I’ve been thinking a lot about The Muffs ‘Sad Tomorrow.’ Just as a concept. It’s a song about FEELING a certain way, but it’s really…kind of…joyful feeling. It’s got a *hopeful-ness* around it! this makes me think of what I am kind of trying to accomplish with this collaboration, maybe. I think, sometimes, that I alienate people. No jokes about Xondor, maybe, and it not being my fault.
5. Something is telling me to erase this post….I’m thinking of doing it. Sometimes I feel I talk too much. I’ve finally started that diary I’ve been talking about. Nobody needs to hear all the things that I have to say. I think I am one of those people who is just TOO…..
[DISCLAIMER: I am not talking about anything specific.]

PS. The cafe I am at is playing music that rocks. I know it is stuff that is “aimed at my demographic” and I am being Hit Song-ed at, but I’m just letting it go. Vest Wearing Hipsters are running the world now, and when THAT goes out of style, I’ll go down to the thrift stores and CLEAN UP on abandoned styles and Hall and Oates CDs.
Den for the Win! πŸ™‚

I am mildly reminded of ‘Interview with the Vampire’ where hot Antonio Banderas as Armand is telling Brad Pitt’s Louis that he is the “very spirit of the age.” I sort of feel that perhaps my disillusionment is rather “retro” and that I really could sashay my sullen ass into an old navy commercial right now if I cheered up two notches and maybe went Two Alanis albums AFTER jagged little pill when she realized that bugging them in the middle of dinner was NOT going to F#$*%&G fly anymore, sweetie…

By which I mean just compliant enough, but still edgy. Ack.

But I don’t want to be the spirit of an age. I want to be an individual. I don’t want my need to be myself to be over-analyzed like this human need to be a person has been over-analyzed for generations and centuries. Humans want to be given space, and they want to be loved while they are doing it. We want small bubbles of personal space which gently nudge one another. Every so often we like to slide against some people. Sometimes, we do not agree. Sometimes, the edges are sharp. Usually, there is blood, and rarely – there are apologies for this. So often, too much space is taken up so there will NEVER be blood no not EVER again.

This is probably counter productive.

Kids get hurt and kids get scraped and kids get betrayed every day. That’s just normal playground living. Kids are sweet and honest, but they are also community forming little savages in their honesty. But it’s adults that teach them how to hate in the fashion of the world. It’d be interesting to see if Animal Farm would REALLY happen. Would kids turn into Adults By themselves? [EDITLATER: I think I actually meant ‘Lord of the Flies.’ I always mix them up when I’m skunksy!]

Adults. They hate each other and they steal from each other and they stop loving each other and they do it with gracelessness and ugliness and shamefulness and…well, hatred. This is why I am thankful, and have always been, for my parents.

My parents shared us every Christmas.

They were divorced. So we have had two Christmases every year. In the morning, we were Mom’s. In the evening, we were Dad’s. All through the years, as the changes came, this was done. I realize that this situation was idyllic. But this is how things were, and I was taught. On Christmas, when things are as they should be, I see my brothers, who are my touchstones. I see my other family, who are my pillars. I am with my husband, who I picked to be a rock for me, when all other anchors have let the chains of themselves rot off the boat that is me and float away.

Family stays. And family is chosen. And this is probably universally true.

This Christmas was happy. And this Christmas was sad. You gain some, you lose some. But always, you keep some. And you keep some forever.

My mother taught me that I should always leave doors open and act my best, but that I should never be miserable and unhappy.

In closing, this is a random picture snapped by my 5-year-old nephew. If I mounted all the photos he took this weekend, they would totally clean up at a cafe. He’s also legitimate, and they are not accidents. He walked around with my iPad, carefully. Lining up shots, making decisions. He was deliberate, and focused, and determined to get perfect shots. He wanted the colors to be a certain way. I don’t know what was REALLY going on in his mind, but the observations he was making were amazing.

This isn’t even one of the best. I’m sending the really crazy ones that made us all freak out to his mother, who was an art major. She’ll know what to do about this so that it doesn’t get freaky and ruined.
I just said “stay on the carpeted areas and don’t drop it” and let him be. He did as he was told and made art.

This is just me meandering, by the way. I’m in a really good mood listening to this New Wave and Bad Rap. Some of this stuff is like Old Cheese. I think I have some of these ‘Orchestra Hits’ on synthesizer vsts lying around. Or on actual synthesizers like my Ensoniq SQ2 that I am giving to Christian if he comes to get it so that I can learn to make The Guitar Noise on his Vetta.

Oh, man. They’re playing “I’m a loser, baby….so…”