So………



I kinda had a rough day today. Flarg about sums it up.

What Happens in Portland…

1. I’m back from a trip I took about a week and a half ago to Portland for this thing called SongFight! Live. I did my own tiny set for a mildly smily-but-challenging crowd. They were a bit more chatty than I’m used to, requiring me to bring out the emotional pyrotechnics and stage pizzaz. I’d give my performance a solid 6 out of 10.

2. Videos were made of this performance  and I put a couple of them on G+. You can find them then if you’re just DYING to see them. Otherwise, maybe I’ll post myself singing and playing music some other day.

3. I also sat in with someone and played Mysterious Organ, was in three-ish other bands on various instruments. and participated in the live fight wearing a green mask. There were glow sticks.

4. However, I probably caught Airline Hospitality Flu on the way up there. I did not know it at the time, and mistook the illness for a hellish evening of food poisoning that kicked off violent night shakes and sweating fever-chills with weird cold-y fatigue symptoms during the day. I felt gut wrenching guilt over other people’s (probably) unrelated colds, and obsession over germs I figured I’d certainly sprinkled willy-nilly over each shared meal. And I accidentally left a charming parasol behind in my hotel; although it had Random Chinese Characters on it. So in retrospect, perhaps I dodged a cultural insensitivity bullet.

5. All-in-all, it was a little hotelzo-hectic, and there were a few other really emo things that went down that are more diary-than-blog worthy. And they CERTAINLY, *CERTAINLY* aren’t social media worthy in my opinion. But there’s really no reason I should still be a wreck because there was lots of Nice. Yet I am still somehow moody and fragile and there’s also probably no Vitamin B left in my body–add to this the lunar landing modules are being trashed again by the Travelling Minstrels in Space and we all KNOW what THAT means …….

6. I’m going to BlogathonATX in September but I still need a ticket. I need to get geared up for this. I am also rather vigorously working on incidental and accompaniment music for a friend’s musical, and on my own Next Steps.

7. Anyway, this is my demeanor during and now after the trip. And I’m NOT in good driving mode anymore … off my game, so fellow Austinites are now trying to pick me off in this Automotive Darwinism thing we have going. Portland driving is very cerebral, motorists take the time to exchange meaningful eyerolls and fraught glances that could mean anything at all. And I wish I was used to the blind inconsiderate-ness of the driving back home yet, but I’m really angry still (I’ll tell my Highway Story later).

8. I don’t know how to act on social media anymore, that’s been utterly destroyed. I told a story on Twitter about a Thing that happened to me in Portland. EPIC saga of a man yelling at his companion … who then cleverly stole his keys while his back was turned! So I ended up being the person from out of town talking about people I don’t know behind their backs on the Internet. But I think I was just trying this ‘People of Wal-Mart’ style of “journalism” on to see if it worked. Why? Who cares? Does this have anything meaningful to do with my Portland experience? Maybe I am being too hard on myself and it was mildly clever entertainment. But did it do ANYTHING to edify or change my narrative? Should I have talked about what was REALLY going on?

What DID really happen in Portland and … in the last few years even, and why can’t I just DEAL? Why is this trip the mental situation, a Vest Factory come to a head? I played some music there. I had some interactions. I took a few photos. But, life is not a Wes Anderson film, and my head is not a pashmina to be wrapped around an elephant in the tastefully lit room.



9. I think it’s just going to take me a while to sort out my feelings.



But ultimately I can change and learn and adapt if I feel safe and can breathe. This is what I figured out.

10.   So I thought a lot in Portland and it turns out I’m not nearly as adept at subtlety or subtext as I thought I was. Nutshell–I know I didn’t fit in, but damn I over-tried. But it was Song Fight, so I ALWAYS try just a smidge too hard anyhow. And I’m usually overthinking what maybe probably isn’t an epic fail? Unless it was. Except it really wasn’t..? You know, or not. Hell, I don’t know. 



(untitled)

I will not die today, because it is raining.

Rain has already decided it is going to stop being sad in advance; because when the sky finally stops weeping, she will be told to take two naproxen sodium and get over herself. This is how things work with most hysterical diseases that leak from sockets. So the rain and I will learn from the sky and not feel typecast about these things. We’ll ride out the headache. It’ll be two coffees for us, thanks.



mayday (the summer comes in silence)

it hits hard,
the perfume of coffins.
I’d rather have mosses.
I’d rather hide deeply in trees.

I’d rather just drink 
the laced water
and try not to slow-starve
while smiling.
I’d rather give up
than hope foolishly,
acting like this type of 
sunburnt, mosquito-drenched living
would suit me.

I’d rather accept …
just die gracefully,
not bite down the poison
and pretend the kind years
were anything more
than a sickness of jokes
and a windup of fears.
~5/1/2014

photo is from popular app game Monument Valley

frrrrfh.

1. Today is a hangnail.
2. I am not having a fantastic week already.
3. I do not want to blog or make one of my non-famous Un-viral videos. Or do anything else similarly exhausting at the moment.
4. I just want to get some work done and get through a list of simple, random tasks I do not feel like elaborating upon. Things that are baby steps that I am mildly excited about. Notions I might quietly entertain before they are crushed into the dirt by criticism, or examples of younger-cooler-already-better-thans, or absconded with and twisted up, or whatevered on.
4. I am terrified I will feel stressed out by something random, and will decide to hide under the bed forever.
5. I am tired of how fantastic and colorful everything is and totally get that I’m not Up to Par. I need some coffee.
6. I realize that I’m terribly lucky, and many people have it far worse than me, and I should never, ever complain.
7. My breath has been worse, but could improve.
8. Usually I’m not like this, but today I am. I blame the media, and the arrival of dire and depressing news in the form of monthly periodicals. I send letters to the editor in–to no avail.

more like what coulda’

maybe in the future I’ll put it a different way. I said the wrong thing. Not on purpose. But sometimes a sin of admission clings to the ceiling fan hoping not to be noticed. It fled in the sudden silence and now everyone wants to forget what a slap might feel like, imagining playful swats … like maybe ‘just kidding…’ was going to happen next.

Day 3. And Third Boring Post Title

Greetings, bloglings. It is yet another day of this blogging again and I have no food picture for you. I’m sure you are all so saddened by this. Also I have no poem. Double tragedy. Also I have no brain to-day. And sarcasm is no substitute for content, and I realize this.

It is, however, important to show up, take a somewhat graceful bow, and state your intent that you’re there–you’ve showed up to *try* …

Today all I have is coughing and tiredness. It’ll be different in a couple of days. No one likes a surly blog post.

I have a lot to do so I need to stop being sick. Vitamins are our friends. I’m actually not in a bad mood. There’s just a substantial amount of drool and yawning.

This is sooooooooooooo boring. I feel like a noodle that sticks to nothing. Sorry guys. I’ll dance properly later.

quick one.

1. My weight is fluctuating, and I feel like a gas planet. nobody needs this information, but you have it nonetheless.
2. I have leeks I need to cook. They will go in a soup with potatoes that (which?, who?, whom? potato? poTAH-toe?) could be more polite.
3. I’m still feeling bad about beginning the blog in this way. I feel bad about my lack of internet behavior. My life has been pretty awkward lately. But I feel like the internet and I are these old exes that are meeting at a fancy dress party. We have a fairly cordial relationship and have the same mutual friends so we really need to get along. There’s no reason to dislike one another either. But I really don’t like the way he’s been behaving lately and sometimes the way he (my ex, Internet McMashonnaheugh) conducts himself is pretty piss-poor. But all of my friends think he is the bees knees and their relationships with him are really important and they remind me of the great things he and I used to do together when we were good friends and they totally think I should forget the BS that is in the past and stop focusing on the negativity and my tendency to use really, really, really bad ex-boyfriend metaphors. So I’ll do that.
4. Dude I’m like so meta. Also, it’s really charming that I’m being all hipster-y and colloquial all up in this blog. Yo.
5. It’s been agreed that nobody thinks I sound cool or like Mr. T when I talk like this. I don’t even remember Mr. T saying “yo.” I think only pirates said “yo.” I actually looked up Walking the Plank the other day after watching ‘Hook’ and it sounds really screwed up and I don’t know why we celebrate this in our culture like it’s this big party trick. I don’t want cannonballs tied to my ankles so that I can die in the sea. That’s messed up!
6. I need more coffee except I don’t. I’m also noticing I don’t have many new tricks and I really, really, really need to get some. For now yeah … I’ll get my things and go.

I will be back later. I know. Nobody believes. 🙂

stupid

September is stupid and I’ll tell you why, but not until tomorrow. My eyeballs feel like sandpaper. Ung.

signed me.

furf.

1. I have Another Bizarre Health problem. I don’t want to blog about it though, because it’s totally geriatric.
 2. Wow. this is a fascinating way to begin a blog entry. I ooze with sex appeal. See me sparkle. Hrrrrrah!
 3. (that was the noise made by an alluring blog post. in case you were wondering)
 4. Oh!! I totally broke google today! You know how I have Identities and all that. Well, i was trying to opt out of ads and assign things to the right places and get my ducks in a row and I caused a huge problem for DJ Ranger Den and she didn’t link to anything anymore and it was dumb. All of a sudden stuff was hanging out everywhere and my internet spleen was hanging out and my super secret blog that makes me zippy and mysterious was assigned to my business account and I’m really not drinking enough water and ugh thyroidmeds hell no totally not necessary also run-on and It’s frickkin mosquito weather all the time. Why don’t we have coffee faeries?
 5. No one notices all this controversy but me.
 6. Oh for crying out loud…..
 7. It’s like watching cereal sog up. I’m sorry y’all. I got nuthin….