I started just writing what I want to write. And hitting send. Just in little bursts. Nothing revolutionary. Maybe it’s too little too late. Or maybe I’m getting lost in a crowd. The important point is that I do not CARE. I don’t care if my pain is an inconvenience or annoying to others. It’s done me no good to hold it in and has been a festering wound. You truly DO need to mourn and grieve to move through things, to break old patterns.
I need to do this, because I’ve been frozen in time in an insane traumatized rage from years of undealt-with nonsense. The current negativity and overwhelm and lack of safety in society and appalling behavior I see around me… the rudeness and entitlement and selfishness and lack of attention span has taken a final toll. Rather than just letting go of anger I instead became resentful of extra love and kindness, extra effort I put in. I became transactional and exacting and used my brain to comb through the inconsistencies of others rather than moving on and living my truth.
I think I am done. I think…
1. I no longer care how popular I am. Maybe I’m screaming into a void. I don’t know. But actually, I know I’m not.
2. Letting go of yearning after accolades and popularity and recognition makes me a better artist. If I have three good fans who are not fans at all but appreciators with their own creative dreams and lives, that’s three times better than nothing. I have at least ten or twenty, maybe even fifty times that. So how lucky am I?
3. It’s time to let go of the negativity, forgive myself for having these blinding depressions, get willing to TALK about them because THEY ARE REAL, and get on it. I have people around me and things to do.
The first week of November, I guess we’ll have to remember there are other elections, other causes, other ways in which to get involved … here in the U.S. Hopefully, Americans will take the next four years to reflect on what brought us to this point in history. On EXACTLY where we are situated in relation to the rest of the world. On how we react to the media, to advertising in general, to each other. What we think about ourselves and our families and all humanity and the future of ourselves and this planet and what our responsibilities are to the future of the entire cooperative earth.
Or, depending on the outcome, we can start learning real survival skills, moving inland, gardening/canning/preserving, and collecting rainwater too. I may post more too. 🙂 who knows how long the power grid will stay up. I suggest we all use the internet to talk to one another about longevity and space travel–rather than for Twitter call outs and entitled bickering.
#justsomethoughts #newiceage #extinctionlevelevents #noonewillhearyourfirstworldscreams
(photo created with PRISMA app)
1. Post on G+ after squiqillions of years.
2. Say hello to brain.
3. Floss for SECOND day in a row. This is elementary to some, but not to ME, dear Watson.
4. Practice piano again, as I became allergic to my own musicianship and kinda quit for a while but didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to hear the “awwwww why???” and then have to have the ‘well-why-don’t-you-give-me-MONEY-then-FOOLZ!’ conversation. #ahem
5. Run a bunch of rando errands that take as much time as a real person’s job because I am a meandering Xondorian space cadet with the attention span of a Concord grape–but I have accepted this, oh yes, I have accepted this.
6. Am considering video blogging and going back to making my rough-ass looking videos even though I have not figured out how to make crisp mountain-fresh cinematography and my YouTubery looks like it has been through a grainy mayonnaise bath. I don’t want to be mistaken for one of the screaming goats.
Maybe. They’re sort of cute and funny. I could do a lot worse.
“I do indeed care about Our Collective Future, but I find that facing my extremely diverse Facebook friends list makes this specific platform allergic to the sharing of the particulars of my political opinions. Hence, this vague post I make rather than twitching in silence each time I read someone’s fascinating opinion with which I violently disagree. You can be assured that I lovingly judge you just a little bit though I will never say a word! 🙂 Better to be a moderate milquetoast than to argue. I know …..our days are numbered–and I understand our apathy will not be tolerated by any extreme.
a woman of mild-to-moderate-mystery until they drag me away to Give Account for my Views.”
1. I made this Digital Painting myself, back on my birthday in November of last year when dinosaurs roamed the earth (what?) and hope was high and liiiiiife WORTH livinnnnnnnngggg…… I wouldn’t hang it in my house but it fits in your eyeballs.
2. I am 42 now, but I do not know The Awnser.
3. I am grateful for a house full of clean laundry.
4. Obama is in Austin for Smurf by Smurf West. He is not coming to my house for dinner. I am trying not to feel surly about SX Or the length of my grass of that my garage is still in disarray-re.
5. Nonetheless, after alienating most of the Internet and nearly all my friends and loved ones with my anger and depression, I feel sort of on the ball and have arrived safely at adulthood without any truly alarming or self-destructive Incident.
5. Stay tuned for exciting developments in the coming year such as personal successes and an improved commitment to flossing. Or don’t. You may be past done with my malarkey.
Where have I been?
Well. I have not been so great.
I made a video today though. I think life has hit me pretty hard lately! I think it’s fairly hard to think, to keep track. I think I’m a person who goes a little more slowly than others. That is just how I do things. I like things a little less fraught.
I had an explosive blowout with an old friend that left me shaken. I had other friends. They helped me through it. I think I’ll be okay.
I’m working on things, but it’s not perfect and Im fretting about it all. I’m worrying over it and always in that place where I’m on the brink of erasing everything I’ve ever put out. It’s not like me to want to be someone else. It’s scary. I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by the noise and just to love who I am and what I do. Me. No makeup in pajamas playing the piano and being myself.
I would like some coffee now. Later I will tag this entry.
1. I was not ready to look at the Internet this morning. No social media, no messages, no email. I think if I get some more of ME done, I can do this. But not yet.
2. On Tuesday, which is the tomorrow of this week–I have the dentist. Oh yes, you can be sure I will floss today as though I have been flossing all along. But you have all heard this before.
3. Just listened to the Netflix Ted Talk on Starting a Movement (#dontYOUjudgeMEforcheese) and saw it explained that it is often a brave observer joining in with the Lone Nut with a good idea which starts a Thing. I think my problem has been in a word–disenchantment. I never believe in the godlike qualities of the nuts I come across for long, and prefer to forage for the nuts in my own sack of this delightful metaphor in the grand scheme of the wheel in the land on the time in the ultimate ever cheese (what?)
4. This is why I ate wine and cheese for dinner last night, late. But someday I will have even more nice things through the power of Spositive Tots.
2. I have a warm dog on my leg and herbal tea in a saucer on my lap He’s featured in the photo. No work will get done this day.
3. I took a walk and burned 88 calories. He burned 70,024.
4. Started watching Jessica Jones on Netflix and finished it. David Tennant as villain guy is so good he makes me want to curl up with the whole Him-seasons of Dr.Who stuff just to comfort myself.
5. I hope that didn’t spoil anything for anyone. I’m WAY paranoid about that lately. It’s been a hairy winter and I’m sorta off my social fitness game and am not okay for human company lately. MANY snafus.
ps. this tea is NUTS!
I think one of the things that I have learned over the years is that I can only control what is INSIDE of me. I can’t expect perfection out of my grand plans. From these Resolutions. There is something to be said for the small, bite-sized goals–even though I prefer to be grandiose. I have allowed myself some grand plans, then. But they are not set in stones. So I have only made one real RESOLUTION; and lots of detailed, flexible lists.
My resolution? Just a question.
“Do I Want To?”
More of a guiding principle, really. And then of course, the follow-on.
“Then why am I______?”
It could apply to everything. Places you are going. Clothes you are wearing. Food you’re stuffing into your mouth. Relationships you continue, or that you decide against will to break off because your family or friends disapprove. Alcoholic drinks you are consuming or maybe you are being too restrictive with your diets or excessive rules you apply to yourself. Do you really want to police every bite of sugar you eat all until the end of your days? Maybe not. Maybe YES. Who knows? Trips you are taking or are deciding not to take because you think you cannot afford them or they are too impractical. Maybe the wise choice, or maybe you are trying to please your inner miser. Or someone else’s …..
Think. About. What. YOU. Want. Your inner child. Your inner old person on their deathbed. WHAT DO THEY WANT? What will they say “DAMMIT, YOU!!!! Why didn’t you ______?!?!?!”
Then, do the things that you can control. You can try to do everything that is in your control that doesn’t involve making other people do things. Example: I can make music, but I might not get a Grammy Award. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try; that it can’t be a GOAL. I might even make it a goal.
#107. Write Grammy Speech.
#108. Collect award
#109. Don’t get drunk at party, old woman.
You can start dating again, but you may not be able to make that ONE guy love you. Maybe he’s just not that into you. Who knows? It’s just maybe not in the cards. Time moves forward.
This is how being an individual in your own sphere of influence under your own control works. You are autonomous. You are part of a community, but you are unbreakable because you create your own options.
This is wildly unorthodox thinking. We are programmed to think of what our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our religions … Everyone but ourselves–might wish. But in the absence of our own wills deciding and of our own wills determining what we are basing our guiding principles on, chaos will rush to fill a vacuum.
I could say a lot more about the particular types of chaos that each of us might battle in our lives–but I think those are our own autobiographies. I have not decided how much I will start leaking out about my own, here. The nature of blogs has changed since I started my livejournal in 2001ish. But I can tell you that I once thought I would make all my back journals “private” because they just didn’t look very clean or professional. And now, I don’t care. I once went through this time called my 20s and 30s. I was younger and a little more immature. I was going through these times where I was growing and I had to learn stuff.
I’m not editing a damn thing. Mistakes were made.
And even now, nasty surprises may come up. As a person, I’m a glorious mess. So yes to the pulling out of a rug of support under one’s feet when it is least expected. The changing of plans at last minute. The mercurial nature of finances. The invisibility of germs as long as they do not attack my more vulnerable friends (although they certainly mess me up QUITE enough). The heaping of emergencies on top of one’s head. All of the above and all at the same time, and all during the tenacious clinging of a nasty winter/summer/seasonal/jet-lag depression that is confusing as hell and won’t quite get shaken off. Maybe this makes better songs, sharper poetry. Maybe this creates CONTENT. It’s utterly miserable but I don’t care. Progress brings me out of it and makes me stronger and more resolute. And I remember that I can succeed. Plus, my lists are back on track. I have huge plans. I have a great support system in my life and at home. I’m very lucky in many ways that my worst enemy is myself.
I will get braver this year and stop worrying about what shadows and phantoms lurking in the darkness might be thinking. I will continue to try to find the light, whatever this means. And no, things aren’t going poorly and I’m lucky and life is positive. As always, I could stand to lose a few pounds and for my dental hygiene to improve, as well as my mixing. I have serious plans for all of those concerns. Old patterns=old quilts.