I started just writing what I want to write. And hitting send. Just in little bursts. Nothing revolutionary. Maybe it’s too little too late. Or maybe I’m getting lost in a crowd. The important point is that I do not CARE. I don’t care if my pain is an inconvenience or annoying to others. It’s done me no good to hold it in and has been a festering wound. You truly DO need to mourn and grieve to move through things, to break old patterns.
I need to do this, because I’ve been frozen in time in an insane traumatized rage from years of undealt-with nonsense. The current negativity and overwhelm and lack of safety in society and appalling behavior I see around me… the rudeness and entitlement and selfishness and lack of attention span has taken a final toll. Rather than just letting go of anger I instead became resentful of extra love and kindness, extra effort I put in. I became transactional and exacting and used my brain to comb through the inconsistencies of others rather than moving on and living my truth.
I think I am done. I think…
1. I no longer care how popular I am. Maybe I’m screaming into a void. I don’t know. But actually, I know I’m not.
2. Letting go of yearning after accolades and popularity and recognition makes me a better artist. If I have three good fans who are not fans at all but appreciators with their own creative dreams and lives, that’s three times better than nothing. I have at least ten or twenty, maybe even fifty times that. So how lucky am I?
3. It’s time to let go of the negativity, forgive myself for having these blinding depressions, get willing to TALK about them because THEY ARE REAL, and get on it. I have people around me and things to do.
The first week of November, I guess we’ll have to remember there are other elections, other causes, other ways in which to get involved … here in the U.S. Hopefully, Americans will take the next four years to reflect on what brought us to this point in history. On EXACTLY where we are situated in relation to the rest of the world. On how we react to the media, to advertising in general, to each other. What we think about ourselves and our families and all humanity and the future of ourselves and this planet and what our responsibilities are to the future of the entire cooperative earth.
Or, depending on the outcome, we can start learning real survival skills, moving inland, gardening/canning/preserving, and collecting rainwater too. I may post more too. 🙂 who knows how long the power grid will stay up. I suggest we all use the internet to talk to one another about longevity and space travel–rather than for Twitter call outs and entitled bickering.
#justsomethoughts #newiceage #extinctionlevelevents #noonewillhearyourfirstworldscreams
(photo created with PRISMA app)
3. Floss for SECOND day in a row. This is elementary to some, but not to ME, dear Watson.
4. Practice piano again, as I became allergic to my own musicianship and kinda quit for a while but didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to hear the “awwwww why???” and then have to have the ‘well-why-don’t-you-give-me-MONEY-then-FOOLZ!’ conversation. #ahem
5. Run a bunch of rando errands that take as much time as a real person’s job because I am a meandering Xondorian space cadet with the attention span of a Concord grape–but I have accepted this, oh yes, I have accepted this.
6. Am considering video blogging and going back to making my rough-ass looking videos even though I have not figured out how to make crisp mountain-fresh cinematography and my YouTubery looks like it has been through a grainy mayonnaise bath. I don’t want to be mistaken for one of the screaming goats.
Maybe. They’re sort of cute and funny. I could do a lot worse.
I might post this thing. But NOT TODAY. The first THING in a series of my vague-but-true opinions.
“I do indeed care about Our Collective Future, but I find that facing my extremely diverse Facebook friends list makes this specific platform allergic to the sharing of the particulars of my political opinions. Hence, this vague post I make rather than twitching in silence each time I read someone’s fascinating opinion with which I violently disagree. You can be assured that I lovingly judge you just a little bit though I will never say a word! 🙂 Better to be a moderate milquetoast than to argue. I know …..our days are numbered–and I understand our apathy will not be tolerated by any extreme.
a woman of mild-to-moderate-mystery until they drag me away to Give Account for my Views.”
1. I made this Digital Painting myself, back on my birthday in November of last year when dinosaurs roamed the earth (what?) and hope was high and liiiiiife WORTH livinnnnnnnngggg…… I wouldn’t hang it in my house but it fits in your eyeballs.
2. I am 42 now, but I do not know The Awnser.
3. I am grateful for a house full of clean laundry.
4. Obama is in Austin for Smurf by Smurf West. He is not coming to my house for dinner. I am trying not to feel surly about SX Or the length of my grass of that my garage is still in disarray-re.
5. Nonetheless, after alienating most of the Internet and nearly all my friends and loved ones with my anger and depression, I feel sort of on the ball and have arrived safely at adulthood without any truly alarming or self-destructive Incident.
5. Stay tuned for exciting developments in the coming year such as personal successes and an improved commitment to flossing. Or don’t. You may be past done with my malarkey.
I made a video today though. I think life has hit me pretty hard lately! I think it’s fairly hard to think, to keep track. I think I’m a person who goes a little more slowly than others. That is just how I do things. I like things a little less fraught.
I had an explosive blowout with an old friend that left me shaken. I had other friends. They helped me through it. I think I’ll be okay.
I’m working on things, but it’s not perfect and Im fretting about it all. I’m worrying over it and always in that place where I’m on the brink of erasing everything I’ve ever put out. It’s not like me to want to be someone else. It’s scary. I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by the noise and just to love who I am and what I do. Me. No makeup in pajamas playing the piano and being myself.
I would like some coffee now. Later I will tag this entry.
1. I was not ready to look at the Internet this morning. No social media, no messages, no email. I think if I get some more of ME done, I can do this. But not yet.
2. On Tuesday, which is the tomorrow of this week–I have the dentist. Oh yes, you can be sure I will floss today as though I have been flossing all along. But you have all heard this before.
3. Just listened to the Netflix Ted Talk on Starting a Movement (#dontYOUjudgeMEforcheese) and saw it explained that it is often a brave observer joining in with the Lone Nut with a good idea which starts a Thing. I think my problem has been in a word–disenchantment. I never believe in the godlike qualities of the nuts I come across for long, and prefer to forage for the nuts in my own sack of this delightful metaphor in the grand scheme of the wheel in the land on the time in the ultimate ever cheese (what?)
4. This is why I ate wine and cheese for dinner last night, late. But someday I will have even more nice things through the power of Spositive Tots.