Hi again.

This is a photo of something bloggish and relaxing so that your eyes are not bored. I saw it when I had a lunch break from doing something exciting.

Is that cryptic? I’m really sorry. I’ve gotten really burnt out on the internet and social media in general. I could blame a lot of things. The political climate just…everywhere. The general level of discourse. Cyber overcrowding. My basic moodiness. But I’ve been good and fine and happy and stuff. Just normal me. And I’ve been busy and the things I used to complain about here are mostly mischiefmanaged and all that.

I’m not ready to get into specifics. I’m really just kind of feeling “why”ish and lazy about it. I want to do the stuff that might get me paid and/or that promises emotional or experience payoffs that benefit me or people I care for in some way. I don’t want to type into a vacuum. But there was something that this blogging did for me. I’m trying to remember it. Maybe when I do and I can form a sentence about that, I will do more of it. Stay tuna-ed…

#nobodybelievesthis

#untilnextyearthen…

Hell in a

I thought I’d write a blog, as I haven’t in a while and my whole personality feels changed and like stars that aren’t allowed to live in space.

1. The fact that my blogging came to a grinding halt around the month of that Particular Election and then just gross weird sputters is not a coincidence.

2. I have not been on social media much. But everyone is done past hearing about this. I get on twitter sometimes to check in and sometimes post things about issues I care about.

I cared a lot about coming out day, and thusly said nothing. Paradox? Maybe. It’s a little confusing.

I went to the capitol and participated in some government enough to notice the futility of such things. Remember government? It’s REALLY hard to do government. The rules are always changing and if you want to do anything to make a difference you have to spend a lot of time researching stuff that they are trying to sneak past deadlines at the last minute in the dead of night and change at the eleventh hour. Nothing is sure and nothing is permanent. And the odds are always stacked. It takes lots of money and lots of time. That’s my take on absolutely every single issue ever that matters. Its all very crooked and not at all honest, seemly, or above board. It’s all dirty pool and immoral as hell. And nothing you want comes to pass except failure and evil triumphing. (not always, but hell….) And I’m sorry I just feel tired and cynical a lot now after mostly silently trying and just failing to make a damn bit of difference.

3. As usual, my breath could improve.

4. America as a nation is living on borrowed time. I have no idea if we can work out our differences here and survive as a nation. I don’t see an America as we know it even existing in fifty years (maybe less). The post apocalyptic worlds we acted out in my improv class during the summer intensive program I took felt eerie, like something cresting just over a possible horizon. And this probably is true in other nations as well, it just might look slightly cosmetically better or maybe way worse…. Or maybe other countries are probably also just kidding themselves and its all probably just a matter of time before everything goes to hell as humans are all shitty people to one another.

5. I tried to go on a diet, “for my health.” It didn’t go well. I’ll try this again next week. This has been a stupid year for food and me. This is a long series of dumb stories I’ll discuss later in life.

6. Back here at home, the only thing to wonder over is whether or not there will be a United States of anything at all, or whether it will be torn apart completely by warring extreme factions and then will descend entirely into anarchy. I’m not personally invested in any outcome–hoping only that as many humans as possible can continue to view one another with compassion and dignity and not break down into a state where we are hunting each other through the streets for food and sport. I hope if those days come, I am not marked as an enemy just because I’m not loudly present in some mob calling for heads and blood.

7. I have some seriously intelligent cats. Genius level. A lot of peopl THINK their cats and children are this level of smart. But mine actually are. They invented a cat language to talk to me, and their own games with complicated kitty rules. Make of this what you will.

8. I have not written any songs in well over a year, except for one in which I am sarcastic and talk about how corn is nasty. Because of my 😂vast😂 and diverse audience I shouldn’t link to it–as it has an Extreme Swear Word in it and I do try at times to be Seemly.

It feels frivolous to make music, like I should be making social commentary instead. Then I read my social commentary and think that my point of view is irrelevant and privileged.

9. I started doing improv, about six months ago. Only doing things that were entertaining and spontaneous and ready-made, DIY sorts of productions … only that seems real and relevant in these times. This is not the right way to think about the subject of improv at large…and is not the point of improv at all. The point of improv is fun and child mind…at least I think so.

I felt like soon we shall all be in roving bands of survivors and will need people with Art Memories. People who could call to mind dramatic form or the ways of storytelling or who could record quickly into any phone or tape or format or play/dance/act any collection of ragtag materials. Anything to tell a tale or song or some semblance of the way things were. The tellers of tales. As we sit by fires in whatever we can scrape together. Mourning the loss of all we were in the last days of our precious “civilization.” Sorry. That got weird. I’ll try again later. I’m crusty at this.

Also, everytime I try to do a thing these days I am interrupted often because these are the days of almost constant interruption. This is why you see less of me. It is as though I have forgotten I have a butt and cannot remember how to sit down!

contests and cutting

There’s a new contest. You’ll hear more about this because I’m really excited.

There’s been some talk lately, in my life. I was thinking about stopping contests. Like maybe they weren’t good for me. I went through this a while ago, with piano practicing.

I practice a lot. A LOT of superfluous piano. I do a LOT of “superfluous” things that don’t really “do me any good.” I do a lot of “time wasting” things. And I kind of cast about, adrift.

This has been about a year of that.

And yet, I’ve had more growth and more happiness in the last year or so that I ever would have believed possible.

I’ve also been more ALONE than I would have believed possible – even in community.

And by alone, I don’t mean lonely. I mean alone as in, get it together, girl. I mean alone as in pushed to the front of the stage out of costume. Naked, sometimes. Totally in the wrong kind of show. I’m not that sort of performer.

And I do need to get it together. Make some hard realizations.

sweet dreams that leave all worries behind

I’ve got a lot on mind, and I’m very nervous.

I haven’t been a spiritual person. Not in a while. Not since the last time I was quite ill, actually. So it surprised me that tonight, when I am frozen stock still once again in fear and dread and uncertainty … that I actually prayed.

It was particularly ironic on this day.

I have mixed emotions about all that right now. I may explain in more detail at some point. For now I will put my weary head on my pillow, and hope for good dreams, and for what my grandmother used to say, which was “happy face in the morning.”

Yes. I’ll definately take that order of love now please 🙂

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

cliff edge

I’m hanging. I’ve had this feeling before. I remember this feeling. This is an overcaffienated, freaky feeling of being outside myself. A frenzied, I-don’t-know-myself feeling. An over-stimulated feeling. And I’m kind of scared, actually. I know what it comes in the front of. I’ve just never been HERE before, in these circumstances. I’ve never had this much responsibility. I’ve never been out in public.

I’m not out “in public.” I’ve actually been more “at home.” But there are more people around me, because I’ve been online a lot. But my world is growing smaller and smaller because I’ve been online so much that my creativity is shrinking because I am missing something that it relies so much on.

This is a warning that I’ve been given, it’s a wake-up call. I know what will happen to me if I ignore it….

{8.17.2012}

Doing nothing is REALLY preferable to doing something. And sometimes it’s better than doing anything. And I REALLY need to remember that. I think that I’m starting to freak out again. This happens when it gets cold, I know. I start to fritter around. Get a little crazy.

Nobody likes a crazy person, do they?