does your skin crawl with either horror or mirth when you imagine the Un-Comfy social pickles you’d partake of if you hit that suggested poke button? ME TOO?!? Read on, dear reader … because here is a LIST, cleverly arranged in the HOT NEW zippy ‘THIS MANY NUMBERS OF WHY’ format that is just SWEEPING all the BETTER internet publications!!!

1. that friend of yours whose ex is your wife now-oops.
2. the sweet but extremely attentive person who JUST stopped sending you game requests-whew #dontstirTHATpotgirlfriend!
3. that guy whose car you rear ended.
4. the CEO of the Brokerage firm where you are interviewing tomorrow.
5. REO Speedwagon
6. Anyone who EVER shamed you for playing Candy Crush
7. your parole officer.
8. your fourtune teller.
9. the priest.
10. your proctologist
11. the deceased
12. That person who found out you took the last can of Sprite from the break room fridge and “didn’t see” your name on it.
13. the most popular boy in elementary school who thought you were a dork but now he is friends with you omg…
14. known assassins.
15. your Arch Enemy in Epic Facebook Political Comment Thread Wars.
16. your boyfriend/girlfriend’s significant other.
17. The prof whose class you famously skip
18. That dude who’s SO out of the band but they found out because you posted your next gig invite on everyone’s wall, dumbass!
19.Pope Innocent III
20. your gynecologist
21. The person whose job you now have, and their sad ass is now unemployed.
22. Your young attractive students (if you are a teacher … or just any Lolita-licious situation, really).
23. Dirty Uncle Theo (everybody has one).
24. the totally famous person you befriended long ago who you’re worried will unfriend you any second now and then you won’t be friends with a totally famous person anymore.
25. Spiders.

(don’t poke the spiders)


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