radiance

I just heard an amazing, fantastic recording and had a conversation that I hope I’m going to allow to affect me. It was uncomfortable and I know I’ll have to get up in the morning and exercise tracks of thinking that are rusty if I want to go to the next level of Me.

I am in the next phase of development again. I can feel old things coming to a close and everything changing and wrapping up. I have a deep awareness of what doesn’t work for me and an understanding of plan. I make charts and maps. But I could go forward or back. It’s in my nature to clam back up. Even if I push out of the comfort zone for a while, it will be like me to encounter resistance and get distracted.

I go through bouts of creativity peppered by long stretches of confusion and directionless desperation. I scramble for approval and guidance and let myself get sucked onto a treadmill of repeating the same patterns that keep me plateaued. Eventually I get bored and it drains the life and joy out of me. And when I give all I can of my energy and hope to whatever place I’m at, pulling at the door that says “push,” I have a huge exhausting identity crisis.

I think I can save myself by saving the world. Throwing a quick artistic band-aid on whatever it is. I am leveled and rendered useless if I can’t be useful in entertaining the situation into a better place. Into pouring some charm or beauty on things. But not everyone is impressed, and if someone sees banality in me or rejects me, I fold like a cheap metaphor.

I have to stop living from one drama to the next and being Quirky for quirky’s sake. And I have to admit that if I’m not Loved, it makes me sad but that this is not my audience. I can’t beleaguer the point. It’s time to move along.

I’m stable enough to take the time to think about this. About what I AM good at and who does want me. I can actually decide. I can make a decision about what I see and what I want to say and how to say it. I can stop avoiding my responsibility as a creative person by entangling myself in useless pursuits. I can be more careful. I can ask myself, “why is this necessary to ME?”

I have a foundation that can’t be shaken. I need to never forget that I am not alone unless I choose to isolate from those who love and accept me. From those who are interested and who like and support. I’m lucky. Not everyone has that. It’s a privilege that I take for granted when bad things keep only happening to the Outer-Parts of me, affecting my heart and my working soul-stuff somewhat. So the punches come yes, but my core seems to still be holding intact just fine.

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radiance

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