8 is Enough

Nur Ein results are up. I lost. None of this – ‘there were five winners’ crap. There were four dudes who knew what they were doing and one clueless little thing who had a good guest round. People said I made rhythm mistakes in my work; and instead of defending my work I got all unsure, assumed I was wrong and didn’t even bother to check and think I might be right, or that I might have been going for a flavor of something. And if wrong, understandably so in the same sort of way others overshoot the mark in their ways when they apply an effect. Now there’s an odd taste in my mouth about the Trying of the New Thing.

By the time I thought to somewhat defend myself it was too late – ironically, I failed the tongue twister challenge. If 7 is a lucky number I deserved an 8. I’ll think too deeply on the math and raise you. Right on its side is the number of infinity.

Will I do Nur Ein next year? Probably. Will I win it? I think I’ve figured out I shall never win it! But I will continue to try.

This was not the Nur Ein of last year where I came out feeling awesome and like I’d nailed the dismounts but cracked my ankle a bit. This is one where I tried new interpretations of all my old tricks while everyone else strapped on cool-as-s4it electric guitars or iron-clad reputations and the panel looked into my messy dreamworld in disbelief and said “wtf is this craziness?!”

Xondor. Welcome to Xondor.

Someday I will write the stories and the characters and the planets and all the little silly things I have been writing about but really, honestly……..
…….my shit IS stories. It’s even been said.

“no one wants to read a novel.”

Not only did the losing thing happen, the whole Nur Ein itself was filled with uncomfortable underlying and embarrassing social challenges that made it difficult to do my work. Interpersonal problems. Weirdnesses. Connundrum. Crisis of conscious-type stuff. Pestilence. Deaths. Sick pets. Relationship problems. Family issues. Internet “stuff” that is upsetty (these things happen). Stuff you can’t complain about on the boards because it sounds like you’re making excuses for why your song blows.

I found the entire time I couldn’t communicate with people in the way I wanted. I couldn’t get my point across. I felt uncomfortable with the discussion in and around the conversation (what does that even mean??) It had that odd vibe around it that a kid has when the adults are arguing and it’s like “shhhhh…let the grown ups talk….” but you know something mean and shitty is going on. But all you can think to do is cry and say “but, but…this is DUMB! Why can’t everyone be nice?!” so you feel lame and keep quiet. And it’s good that you did. This is just how the adults talk to each other! You would have embarrassed yourself! (again). Things are all fine! (_yep)

Mostly all this is me hitting the apex of Things; the top of the pile Ive needed to scale in order to make hard decisions about how out-of-hand I let things get in both professional and personal life.

I’ll never be “ready” to “do it” if I’m not ready already.

That’s what my lucky numbers indicate. Signs point to now.

No, I’m not quitting. No, I’m not even quitting contests. I’m too old for musical methadone clinics. But I’m also too old to change, to force my fat butt into a rock and roll cheerleader uniform. And certainly too old to do such things on my own.

I am going to pause and give myself the silent moment of extreme credit for the massive amount of work and accomplishment I know I’ve done. I think I’ve stretched myself more in 2 years than is really believable. That doesn’t really get prized in any way. You prize your own self for that by getting up in the morning and not quitting a Thing.

And I think I’ve been a little bit brain-fuzzy in thinking. Yes I have thoughts for the new title. Amazing ones. But more importantly I’ve got some plans for some other stuff I’ve let go undone for way too long that I used to be up to all the time.

I never did talk about Blogathon, or do anything about it, did I?

{edit: I do have to say, and not just to be PC, if you go to hear this round…the songs are all excellent. I didn’t lose to anything mediocre.}

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8 is Enough

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