Big Top Me

I have been wasting time on social networks lately because my creativity has been getting lost in the couch cushions.

I will go ahead and be honest, and admit that it’s because there are a couple people and read-y things who/that have kind of knocked me off kilter lately and I have been less than confident. It’s been pretty specific and easy to do. I’m pretty easy to drive crazy. I’m a pathetically easy target with a high yield of ego-building attention.

I’ve pinpointed the problem. Apparently, it’s when I feel really well at ease in a relationship, artistically (or otherwise). I will hop to for pretty much anyone – often at the expense of people who are not demandy or pushy with me. Many of my relationships have suffered for this – artistically and personally. I have a husband in particular who doesn’t ask for much at all and so he kind of sits around whistling and staring into space sometimes. I’m starting to use him as an excuse more and more and it’s not really an excuse; I’ve found it’s really more of a need and it should have been a deep-seated need that I stuck to long ago. To be a wife and to have a bit of Private, Don’t-@#$(-with-this, family time. Other people are certainly not shy about closing the white-picket-curtain. Boundaries are clearly defined. Perhaps the Mike and I need to go back to Family School. I’m just so congenial I will bend over backwards out of my very own kitchen to make a stranger feel better. until my life falls apart. And that’s not sane. That’s what crazy people do.

So anyway. If you make me feel safe, I’ll let my guard down. Then if you knock me off my secure perch a little bit I will scramble and dance and do anything to get my happy equilibrium I had back. Much Attention will be paid and No Work will get done. Hell, I’ll get my whole circle involved in your cause. I’ll talk to Mike about where he thinks I might have gone wrong in the problems I’m having currently with “you” or “them” or “that-terrible-thing-*I*-did-wrong.” I think possibly the key here is that before I was thinking about myself and getting my work done; and that after being knocked senseless with something that makes no… sense … I’m thinking about how to FIX the situation. Calling in all my extra resources. Trying to build Rome in a torn up paper cup…

And it’s usually a situation that can’t be fixed. I try and try, and everything I try just gets casually knocked over with a feather. I set the house of cards back up on the table only for it to get blown over in front of my face! “Why did you DO that?!?” I rage, metaphorically! “It was the wind!” is my reply; with the added crazy making “What are you talking about? What does a house of cards have to do with ANYTHING we are even talking about right now …?” I hang my head, feeling guilty and burdensome for bringing my problematic paranoia to our fragile relationship. Gah! I mess up everything! This is why I can’t stay in jobs, relationships, bands (despite a 13year marriage many people admire and many people wanting to work with me even though I’m flaky as hell). This is why no one likes my work (despite an odd popularity happening with little pr and a non-existant core fanbase set-up. My 8-12 fans are really starting to buy into this…).

I’m just being real emo here about all this. It’s not really that bad. But rejection is killing me so I’m thinking in black-and-blue. #haha

Soon I am confused. I live my life increasingly on guard and I become paranoid and shaky, more and more. Creativity is squeezed and I become a useless, shivering thing. The back of my hand is glued to my forehead. I want to talk about it, but you are screening your networks and your emails and your phone calls and your texts and you have moved out of state and changed your name. Yesterday you were wondering why on earth you couldn’t get me to text you back. I’d coldly replied I had a life and said something Societally Shaming.

I can’t have this go on anymore. I’m glad I have the self-possession to know that I repeat patterns with each new person I let into my life; that I continue to attract the SAME sort of person, that I do have an artistic “type,” and that now that I have found hope I need to do whatever I can to stick to the healthy bits of all my healthy situations by taking good care of myself and saying “no thank you” to insanity when it rears its ugly head.

not go running toward it like a chicken with its head cut off.

So I slowly pull away from conflict and from things that make me look too insane. Realizing that that in and of itself is making me look a little bit insane but figuring that I will end up okay in the end. I know I have something important in my favor, which is that I am admitting that I am riddled with the crazy. This gives me an edge over people who slap the label on me and then deny the wacko in themselves. Only to be surprised and overcome by it later. While I zip by on my silly-tricycle…quite used to being heckled like the circus freak that I am.

Why is it so easy to infantilize women, but so hard to lay the blame at the feet of the Man-Boys it so often belongs to. I know I’m generalizing right now, trapped in my own experience. It’s my blog. Deal.

But why do I find it difficult to be a strong woman? And why do women go to war with one another? I have this conversation with my husband, who I don’t talk about a lot because thankfully he is a boring grown-up.

I think sometimes or perhaps on tricky days, “silly” girls are easily controlled and flummoxed. Regardless of age, position, status, or station.

And if you don’t believe me, later on this weekend I will post some of the scary stuff I’ve read, but haven’t had the brass Ovs to post. That will really fry your blood!

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Big Top Me

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