1. I do believe I have finally hit my last, last, last straw.
someone was so shockingly, horribly rude to me this week I feel like I got slapped. It cured me. Of all the other times I haven’t stood up. Of all my mouseyness. Of everything I cower on. Of all I don’t say.
No, I won’t get specific. For many Classy reasons.
But mostly because, it’s stupid. Yep.
It’s a waste of my time.
2. I got clawed and bit by an insane old cat who I am administering IV fluids to at home. He does this every night. I am exhausted.
3. I’m dropping weight and being unhealthy. If I don’t watch it, I’ll start losing my hair again and that would suck because it’s pink now!
4. I am not believing in or enjoying my successes, but am short-changing myself and thinking the things I do are no big deal. This stops now.
5. I’m not writing in an organized way.
6. My beautiful cousin is gone and Sunday is her memorial
7. I feel like a bad niece and an absent cousin and friend, like I was sitting around on the Internet waiting for answers when I should have been participating in life all along because the answers were wrong.
8. I am not a good enough sister to keep my family happy and okay. I also don’t know if this is true, or my responsibility. I do know I’d like to get a little closer in and figure out who I am as a person with skin and bones and breath and a family and plans.
9. I am Not That Great a Friend. a + b = €^#* YOU!!!!
But I am, and there are lots of people who think it and forgive me a multitude of sins real and imagine;, conscious, sane, or insane.
10. I have less than four days to get over this silly pity party (except six. One is allowed to grieve for one’s cousin. Also I can work on 7 and 8). then I need to get back on the ball.
11. I need to finish Nur Ein, and go as far as I can. I need to get my things organized and stop just saying I’m going to and stop getting into friendships with backstabbing people who judge me for my flaws and undermine and blow things out of proportion. I need to be classy. I need to rise above. I need to go pro again. It CAN be done. I have been it before, I can do it again. I will NOT add another voice to the collection in my head.
I am too old for that!
12. So lies are told about me, and to my face. I was raised better than this. So I’d better hop to it. I’m stronger and faster and smarter and better for every kick in the teeth. And thank god for it.
Thanks for reading a cryptic rant. I needed to do it. To nip bad self-talk in the bud before it got out of control.
Everything not for me is against me and therefore dead to me. Yes. It’s that serious. So the boundary-fence-sitters should pick sides. I’ve had enough chain yanking. My last straw was small and barely noticeable; but it was, indeed, my last, personal-secret, straw.