firm foundations

1. I haven’t been sleeping real well. I haven’t been feeling super great about myself.
2. I’m not taking the best care of myself. I will try to improve this tomorrow.
3. I haven’t been as communicative lately because I feel stupid. I feel stupid because, without getting into it, I allowed myself to get psyched out by a person who doesn’t really like me.
4. I don’t feel like my domains are mine. I don’t own my space. I feel betrayed and attacked. I feel poked and picked on. Worst, I feel like what I do isn’t worthwhile and that I’m a dilettante who isn’t enriching myself with real practice working toward professional goals in a logical setting -based on years in …. a professional setting knowing I needed to slow down and hone some skills if I was going to change direction.
5. This is disastrous during a time like Nur Ein – which is like a pilgrimage for me and like songwriting boot camp. Rather than honing skills I’ve elected to pile issues on my personal life; and this is unprofessional and dilettante-y in the extreme.
6. This can be salvaged because if I step outside myself it is easy to see and hear the ridiculousness of my situation. But my very ears get warped when I am sucked into silly minutiae and start actually believing I’m not as good as I know I am. Because when I second guess myself – it wastes time and I make mediocre work and of course it’s not going to stand out as some great thing.
But I mistake insults sometimes for critique. They arent the same thing – and are not motivated by the same place in the heart.
And learning to recognize mean people from afar is probably the next skill to practice.

firm foundations

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