I have a lot to say and weird freaky energy coming at me, and away from me; in all directions. It’s been rough to center myself but I am getting to a point where it’s becoming more and more obvious that I need to do so.
Suddenly, today-yesterday, after weeks-months-a year or two-days of feeling easily distracted and confused…I felt centered. It was so fast. It happened in such an unexpected way. I read something that I expected would make me gasp and have that feeling of swallowing a hot, heavy rock. I know the feeling well now. I don’t care anymore.
It didn’t. I calmly read everything on the Internet on this, the first day of Hideous Girl Time; and then practiced piano.
I don’t really care. And I don’t even care that saying I don’t care makes it sound like I care. I’m saying it because I’m so glad for the lack of noise and anyone who reads this who loves me and truly gives a s4it about my music – who truly remembers me and what I am trying to do…they will know that it’s such a big thing that I can hear myself think. 🙂
I am a person who can withstand a lot of tension. I think it’s because I feel like I’m not really dealing with much. I discount my own experience a lot and allow myself to be erased. I think that’s what that poem was about, the other day; me editing myself away … simply, there is so much material on my computer and so many blog entries I don’t push ‘Enter’ for. I think, “what will people think of me?”
Now there’s something to be said for discretion, and I find a lack of subtlety as distasteful as anyone. There’s something to be said for dealing with your own pain in your own way. But there’s also something to be said for not letting vast packs of wild Creatures of different sorts run amok with your heart.
I like propriety and I get embarrassed being attached to things that make a scene. As I age, I come to understand more and more that preferring to be an Under the Radar person is good…when you match up with another under the radar person. I jump at the slamming of doors. I like the quiet.
I was told once I was going to have to get used to stirring things up. I think there’s got to be another way. I think one can be calmly provocative. I think that when I drive myself to discomfort through trying to please…that I just drive myself crazy and I drive others away. I attract only those people who want some strange half-me that can reflect them back to themselves.
I’ve never been able to sustain that long enough to fool anyone that I’ve changed into a version of a Me that they’d rather me be. A little nip there, a little color just here and there. Wear this, do that. Don’t say this don’t be that. You’d sound better THAT way.
I don’t DO society and I have known this since I was a child.
The trouble is, this is all such a hipster thing to say…to claim you are unique as you put on your funky glasses and Different Shoes and slurksy vest and go emoo-ing through the sullen world in which your bleak black souls resides.
I know I’ve been saying this stuff for a while like a broken record.
But as I shiver here in the damn cold, I feel there is a way out and I do indeed see light at the end of a horrible, freezy, hateful, mean little tunnel.
And this makes me feel like I finished quietly digging under the prison, successfully getting away with it.
being mx. xondor. mz.Thang!!