one hand clapping, one brain waiting…

1. i’ve been scarce lately because i’ve been a little weirded out. i’ve also wanted to lie low because that’s what you do when there’s loud stuff going on around you are you are feeling quiet and a little bit bumped around inside. Not upset or broken…just bumped around a bit – like a smaller-sized person surrounded by aggressive people in bumper cars.
2. for some reason, i know that more Hard Stuff is coming up for me in the next couple years. I’m going to have to grow a stronger stomach and I know I can do it. I just need to be good about these quiet times when they come.
3. I can take care of myself, and I am not afraid.
4. I’ve been blaming myself for being careful around people – like I need to apologize for having boundaries and for keeping my cards close to my vest. Well, when you let your guard down you often get hurt – so it’s very smart and not at all selfish to be discrete and careful with oneself. It’s nothing that needs to be apologized for. Whenever I go against my gut and trust too much and too soon or too totally and too well – it backfires. Without fail. Or should I say, with complete and utter fail and ruin.
5. Luckily, like I say time and time again, phoenixes do rise. It’s happening to me every donut encrusted day and I feel really grateful right now as my brain knits new pathways and I write songs and keep notes and organize folders. I do most of it myself and I know I’m getting back to where I was. I’m proud of this work and I realize I haven’t really lost all that much. Maybe I even gained some things. Hell, I don’t know.

The key thing to remember is that if a time in my life was significant for me – then it was significant. It doesn’t matter if it was observed by anyone else or not. it doesn’t matter if it was registered. if i write a song, and it never gets played – it still got written. it’s still a special song TO ME. I still experienced it and I still experienced the things that resulted in its creation.

No one has heard me play most of my Chopin, my Bach … especially not the Rachmaninoff except me. And my husband. Even my roommate only hears me sometimes. Sometimes I load up a hangout and I practice in front of a camera. It’s something that we used to do … I used to work with people like in working bee type environments and stuff – but I’m careful when I do this. I’m back to being pretty private about when this happens.

I miss my mom and I miss my aunt. I miss my brain and I miss my old life. But I’ll get through it. I have music coming to me.

one hand clapping, one brain waiting…

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