HAPPY V-DAY: Confessions -a list

1. It’s Valentines Day. It’s tempting to be angry.
2. I am married to a wonderful man and he makes me very happy and very disgusted and very angry and we have been together for over 13 years. That’s a long time.
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3. Thirteen is a really unlucky number. This is what my songwriting partner of Billy and the Psychotics and I have agreed upon. We have not written a song in three rounds. This makes me (and I think him) really sort of blue – but we don’t have time for that: me because I’m behind on so much stuff including exciting things for other people. I don’t have any business mooning over music which has been making me happy and thrilling my soul because it’s easy to write and rocks in five minutes or less. We will be back to it when the list scrolls back to the top. At the end of this day and especially the end of this week things are going to get a lot easier for me.
4. All of my silliness this year has messed up my other music making because I have actually sat in front of other open projects and thought through the thousands of other upsetting things that could go wrong interpersonally JUST LIKE what has previously happened to me and so have shut down my software and lain down to do nothing or watch stupid YouTube videos of seventeen people playing one accordion or whatever. Because I am sure that disaster of epic proportion is lurking around every corner. You have to be a pretty big screw-up to flitz out of as many situations as I have. I’m having to add other limbs to count the mistakes that Have Been Made 😦 yeah, it increases my songwriting opps. So what?! Yes, I’ve written MANY tunes and made them into Cryptic Relationship Numbers too. Whatevermonkey……
5. Although 13 is an unlucky number, I know that Mike and I can make it through because we have done it before. That doesn’t mean that people who don’t and can’t aren’t as good as us or that if we don’t for some reason that we aren’t as good as them. I hope we will always be as close as we are now. Mike is the best man that I know, that’s for sure.
6. I cried a lot in the Spintunes listening party last night. I know other people understood the emotionality of some of that – and I appreciate that.
7. I’m especially glad for a couple of my friends right now and Am trying to pull myself out of this rut quickly so I can work.
8. Tonight we are having a very romantic dinner with my stepfather and my brother and sister in law and we are going to watch funny Internet videos and be glad to be in one another’s company and that we are happy and have a good family that survives and loves each other.

I should also call my father, simply because he is my dad; and it’s Valentine’s Day…

8. I’ve taken a lot of hits over the past year and yes, it’s true; almost died of a broken hearty-depression thing. I know that sounds really Lady-of-Cooking-Onions… But I DID lose over thirty pounds and languish in secret while having to pretend everything was Peachy-Keen-Jellybean and this suited the whole situation to a Capitol T, actually; allowing it to flourish and run amok. I still am a polite creature and wormholes will unravel if I get into things. Sometimes the best way to show love is to walk the earth appearing as though you are a silly, easy-to-Snow Ninny-of-a-Chit. It may kill to think of folks sauntering around laughing at your “ignorance” and fist bumping in the air at the nefarious things that can be accomplished behind a back as STUPID as yours (yours-being-mine); but you let it happen knowing the whole time who and what you’re dealing with … and you do this out of love. For if the deflation of a poofy ego is going to beef up my self worth for the space of an afternoon but not really do much good in the long run…who cares? What good is that? Doesn’t good prevail in the end anyway? Isn’t karma, queen … when you get down to tass bracks?

This is probably why I married who I did. Because Mike and I have been dealing with “who ME?!?!?!?!……..{cute simpering eyelash bat}” people for as long as we’ve known one another and can Spot the Fake from Lands Away.

So our stories ARE complicated but really they are about dying friendships and having to give up the luxury of our naïveté. It’s sad to be so wrong about myself and the effect I have on people and how my music in particular effects people and the Way Things Work. And I know Mike has felt this way about his own efforts with people before. It’s sad to want to give up. But both he and I are not give-up-py people.

I talked to Mike about this last night and I got a bit snuffaluffuguffy. I think I will always be sensitive and I will always be a dumb little Xondorian who is prone to getting her hair dyed pink and who finds out about reality at the last second. Far too late. WAY after everyone else does.

If this makes me stupid, so be it. I know that I still have a tendency to love and to care too much and to buy into things and to Over-Hope and that I’ll probably cry again. Lots. I’ll cry about this for a long time.

I over invest and I over share and I over hope. I’m not independent and I’m not all that strong and I need lots of help.

But I survive after being burned each and every time.

I INVENTED that $#%^

And really, I am a glass half exploded person. I have love, and I have support. People are catching on, and bothering, and getting it. I just don’t choose to see it because it is risky and I don’t want to lose it if I believe it. I think if I relax into genuine admiration and something that is nice that it will vanish! And then … hurt. I see a comparable career I like and I start to make strides toward it and I second guess every step I make in the right direction. There has to be some OTHER reason for the success. Because I’m damaged. It can’t just be because I’ve worked hard and am a professional. And I can’t live like this anymore. Too much drama….I’m getting too old for this fomtroolery……

Perhaps I shall travel again; and meet some of my new fans some day. Then after I have met these four to eight mysterious people, I shall go home and make mac-n-cheese. Haha. Just kidding, of course!

I am very grateful for them. I am thinking that in the next couple years that I WILL start playing again. It may be start-stop once again, like always. I may meet another person who overwhelms me and promises help and friendship and to take the burdens away only to become dependent upon them and only to have them leave me with pieces left undone and questions about what I do next left unanswered in my mind. But this happens to me and honestly it is part of my artistic process; I’ve come to understand. A cycle of need, cooperation, indulgence, over-involvement, light-betrayal, and then separation. And the I dramatize things (or am painted as doing such!) and go on alone.

Then, years later, when I am free, the past comes back to knock upon my door. And of course I don’t recognize it. I smell it and it’s been marked by its own oddness so I cannot let it in. That’s how things work. All I can do is try my best to be gracious because I truly do not understand how some people actually believe that time stops in rooms that are left in the past behind shut doors – as if animation suspends in a vintage past like an instagram photo…..

I am thankful for my husband, and not afraid or ashamed of the chances we have taken or the honesty we have experienced or the trust we’ve put in one another. It’s been rewarded. When most others have turned away, it’s been rewarded. And he tells me who knows? things could work out for me and we could still succeed despite our wildest expectations at all we want to do!!!

We are VERY lucky that we drink good coffee.

#damnthisblogisemo …..

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HAPPY V-DAY: Confessions -a list

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