I just made a “like” page on facebook for this blog, and I’m going to say “hey, come see this blog” sometimes when I make lists over there.
This happened because I decided that my way of seeing things and my opinion matters, and that it’s important that I be heard. We live in a world that is pretty vindictive and vengeful and cruel. If I don’t try to put my light in where I can, I’m going to feel fester-y and grow bitter and dark.
I am nervous, because part of me thinks “oh, this can’t possibly go well.” This is the part of me that has already grown bitter and dark and does not want to forgive. It is the part of me that has been living in secret and feels ashamed and lets myself be walked on; allowing little daily hypocricies to pile up around me until I want to scream. This is how people go crazy and this is how people become destructive of themselves and others. This is how people repeat patterns and why things go in cycles over and over. Because there really is nothing new under the sun. If a thing is happened once and is not learned from and Grown Up out of … assuredly, it will happen again. And again. And again.
I would like to avoid fates like these. I would like to be a positive influence where I can.
Sadly, I find myself here and now looking back at a couple of people and situations in my life thinking that I have NO influence and that I didn’t make any kind of dent. That I was not seen or heard. That nothing I brought to these relationships enriched or taught anything and that these people will go away from their time with me and continue to unleash their destructivity upon the unsuspecting populace in their continual patterned way. This makes me sad. I was no different than anyone else they encountered. I was no great guru. I brought no spiritual light into anyone’s life.
And this is my calling really, to bring spirituality into people’s lives. This is one of the reasons that I hate being and getting sick. I hate that it makes me lose time and productivity and communication skills … and I hate that it gives people an excuse not to live up to their end of their part of the relationship that they had with me. And that after things fall apart I see the relationships they go on to have experiencing troubles that maybe would have been lessened if a lesson could have been learned, karmically with me.
Perhaps I am giving myself too much credit. But if I do not earn any respect as a person and I am seen as a pain in the ass and a petulant child then what is to be done really?
I guess I perhaps am being both aggrandizing and too hard on myself. I think perhaps I am giving myself too much credit. In some of these cases, I can’t get past the mere fact that I am a woman – there is no way I can get respect of character because in order to be taken seriously I would have to be a man (THAT is a long story I have told little bits of in blog form).
We are not going to talk about religion today … or that Man / Woman thing. Perhaps later. That is a long conversation and I’ve had to sit for years with things just to be able to think of things so that someday I could write about it accurately and with … balance. Because I want to do it right, and not run amok with it. That is not how I do things. I have always been taught to hold my peace and bide my time, which is why I have always found it curious that I have a reputation for flying off the handle and being so emotional. I am effusive, yes…
But I do restrain, and quite a bit. If I share my thoughts with you, I care very deeply. And if I feel threatened, of course, as anyone does when they get threatened – I withdraw. Don’t we all?
The fact that I mentioned that I went to church on Facebook, and that I called it “church” is kind of a big deal. I may have offended several groups of people just mentioning religion, mentioning it in a mainstream way, and placing myself in involvement with it in a vague and non-time-specific fashion; giving no honor or commitment to it either way. I only gave it mention, and thusly answer no questions and confirm nothing to anyone unless they know something of me. It’s one of those things that… well … you’d have to speak directly to me, probably in person, with a frank conversation to get a handle on my thought process. That type of talking… well … some of which I’m willing to do. And some of which, I’m not. Some of which would take a while. It’s hard to sort through this in my head. I’ve edited this entry a lot already.
I should have written a list… *sigh*
Few people can or would make a Long-Talky-Time kind of investment in another human being for a Just For Talking’s Sake. Trust me. It’s true. Usually there is More To It#ahem …
There’s not a god, godess, or disciple in the world that has that kind of time for my kind of BS. And that has been tested and proved in committee, unfortunately.
night, folks. for now.