I have been dutifully dealing with the cylon. The more I find, the more Resolute I feel, and the more I feel like taking Several Long showers to wash this Stupid Year away. July, August, and Septemmber in Particular were stupid. But I think that when you have a parent die (circa 2007), you tend to do anything you can to bury yourself in distractions for as many years as you can. Perhaps you convince yourself that you are taking care of yourself even if you are doing the opposite. Things do Not have to be as difficult as we make them, perhaps.
This was the entry I wrote in the second week of August. I was in a lot of pain, and needed more than I was getting out in the RatRace. I should have laid on the couch and remained very quiet and close to home. There was nothing for me out in the Big Scary World. I will take that lesson next time and use it to replenish myself and come back smiling and free. 🙂
1. tomorrow is the four year anniversary of when my mother left us. i don’t even quite know how to put that, still. this has been a tough week for many reasons. it’s been tough to concentrate. i have had a rough time remaining professional. i have not gotten a lot of credit for it. but when i have, it has been resounding and supportive and really building up – and effective. and appreciated. if not necessecelery consistent.
2. I’m going to finish this blog and probably sign off most social media for a day, maybe more. I say this, but i am kind of addicted. I don’t know if this is a societal problem or a problem with me. I am definitely having some issues lingering around and am definitely in a place of transition. i do believe this is temporary. I’ve been trying to wrap some stuff up and get some things done. Some I have. Some got done the way I wanted, some didn’t. I think I know which direction I’m going to head in though so this is good. Do I think that some day I will stop speaking in generalities? NEVAR!!!!!
3. I do know that it HAS been a rough year. I think that this person I’m about to mention will understand what I am about to say more than I can explain, but I think I would like to say a special thank you to Jules Sherred for giving me some recognition this week. I have been working hard to be honest, and classy, and to act in a certain way that denotes being calm and unruffled. Seldom do I like to lose my cool online even if alarming things are happening in my personal life or right under the surface of me. Or if I am having difficult anniversaries. I have gotten a little worse at burying things in my lyrics and masking all my pain.
4. the attention and ground that I have gained in the last few months that has been positive and healthy has been of the sort that I can build on and it is the sort that I am going to need to start surrounding myself with and craving. I am really starting to change and grow. As addicted as I think I am to drama – I think that the calmer I keep my life and the tighter rein I keep on my drama, the better off things are. I am learning to do this. I am learning to do this and still remain me. I think it’s all about the people we allow into us. I think it’s important. And it is important to forgive ourselves for the mistakes that we make. We all have the ability to take many many showers and cry tears of snot over Deeply Upsetting Stupidities which derailed us for Long Whiles. And then get back on our horses with Changed Minds.
5. I look at situations I was embroiled in, say, before my mother died. I think – what the hell was I thinking? Why the hell would I want to go back there for? There are all these nostalgia things happening now. As much as I think it was a terribly charming time in the 1990s – I am ready to … well
just …not! okay? just … um ….
No. I don’t think I WILL….. come to think of it! 🙂