1. I want to build a musical treehouse.
2. I’m in the cleanup and gather resources phase. I have the rest of the month to do it
3. It makes sense to start next month because that month is my birthday. And that booky McBookBook thing.
4. I want to get something out for myself this year.
5. It’s going to be tough. I know what happens when you start to grow something. I have to make sacrifices. I have to learn new vocabulary.
6. Everything I do from now on must either feed or complement this. Even stuff I do for other people.
7. It is going to be interesting to see who is on my committee of people who are for me. Of people who stick. I remember once the entire thing got wiped out almost completely and I hope I am not meant to learn this lesson again.
Because being abandoned sucks and is too hard to take on repeat.
You have to re-find your friends. People who love you. The sticky people. The people who live with you in your goopy sandwich and are not going anywhere. You pick these people. You have and show a little bit of your ugly to them. They know your worst and hover just on the edges, repelled. But they stay. They never left.
I am having trouble being a lone gunman I guess because I form relationships and yet I detest them. I don’t like to give the hard parts in them. Lately, I’ve been doing what comes easy. It’s easy to sit here and admit I don’t have any control from behind a High Wall.
If I kept some promises and stopped being afraid and scared maybe I would Not lose everything. And if I stood alone at the end of a road of good work I would at least have myself.
If I push enter and say I’m going to start/finish the work I’ve been avoiding, that’s a big deal. I’ve been sflurking around. I’m actually at rock bottom now, in bed. Ive been here before. I was this before I came back online and stayed except for that small bit of time.
I need another little bit of time.
I can have it, but I have to work. I don’t know what it will look like and I don’t know if working will tame the monster-y rarrrrr thing that sabotages everything I have inside.
because it’s Ouch….there’s a lot of it. Years of it…for many reasons. I’m an avoider.
I have never gone through a record of life and bothered to explain anything. I’ve had episodal behaviors and ranted.
I kept a diary for a while which turned into a livejournal which turned into a disorganized blog.
I have put off My Project for long enough. Five Years.
I Definitely have more material now.