woman overboard

This morning? Huge setback! But I am going to blogathon to learn to better myself in many areas and I’m trying to get things put into place in my crazy life though I fear it will backfire in my face in a dastardly way! Oh well! Life is an adventure and I must keep trying my best to get what I can and learn and love and sing and be the most I will that is possible.

Here is my dream (one of), and has been for three nights:

I’m in the sea, there is no land; although I think there might be something glittering off in the distance. Ships pass by but I can’t get their attention. In the dream I slowly get more and more cold… TIRED… it exhausts me just to type it! I want to sleep!

I get horribly sunburned and ache from crying and thinking how it’s not fair that I’m drowning and will die. I’m not ready! So upset about the wasted time! So many things I would have done. I realize this is the last day I’m going to spend on the face of the planet and I don’t have any fight left. What’s the Bible verse? The willing mind and the weak flesh? That’s me…

It gets to the point where I can’t move my arms. They Won’t Go… I can’t swim.

I sink. My head is a rock. I fight and adrenaline makes my arms go. I see a ship! I scream! But there is no voice. Just a croaking. I scream a desperate whisper and my tears and the sea salt stings my eyes and my red cheeks. I look a fright. There aren’t any waves, but fish scare me and the movement of the water makes me throw up a little; there in the ocean, while I’m trying to keep up with it… I want my mom, but she’s gone and there is no family and no love and no friends to save me. I don’t know where to swim because I don’t know which direction my homeland is in.

It is too much. I fear sharks but don’t see any. I get jostled. My arms lock again. My bones are lead.
This time I can’t stay up and the boats are closer but I can’t do anything. Drowning hurts and it’s hard to talk about it.

This is one of those dreams where I died. I didn’t have the strength to fight out. You’d think you would. You don’t. My body would not move and I just … died! Massivehotburningouchhurting then nothing fear.

Then I heard really weird music and there was a mountain and blue and that was death.

I woke up sore and relieved.

Resolved. Which is a good thing because as I said it’s Denise New Year. I want things to be as clear and simple as possible.

I’ve become afraid of drowning.

woman overboard

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