A Factual Picture of the here-sitch-now-itch.

1. lists have become popular and i am constantly comparing myself to other people. I read that such behavior is not what happy people do in a recent article posted by some extremely useful Twitter friends of mine that I haven’t met yet but who are on Austin bumper stickers Famously everywhere and generously and positively #follow-Friday lots of people. This makes me realize that I am comparing myself to happy people. I Cannot Win.
2. Everything I do right now feels trite and boring.
3. I am the acne monster from the Hormonal Lagoon. I cannot be looked upon. I am hideous. I should write a cute song about myself and sing it in a Texas accent to the French people and perhaps I will make it big on French radio. Or does it work the other way around? I don’t think it does unless I sing in French.
4. I’ll get right on that. I’m sure I can just go learn some French in a jiffy. Perhaps one of my alert readers (nod to the immortal Dave Barry) can put this for me into a Cute Song:

“My god, I am covered in acne!
Disgusting hormonal abberation which I have become
You will not look at me
or talk to me
I should not be talking to you anyway
I am a vampire
You are a donut
I am a werewolf
You are a shark
I am a shopping cart
You are a tree
I am the ocean
You are a pair of broken spectacles
I don’t like to fish
You watch movies about angry bears.
I got a telegram the other day
It said you were angry. It was not from you. But I find
I do not care. I do not care. I do not care.”

5. I somehow just KNOW that this translates into something Meaningful and Profound. I will sing it whilst smoking, and wearing a beret and stripes. They will Not chase me out of the country after I have arrived in Paris, but will Get It, and bring me orange soda. I don’t know if that is a thing over there, but I am out of my Jarritos Mexican coke which is Tamarind flavored and I find that I either want something Strawberry flavored or orange or a Mountain Dew or something.

6. I would eat a three musketeers bar if one came and tapped me on the shoulder.

7. I’m so oily right now it’s not EVEN funny!

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A Factual Picture of the here-sitch-now-itch.

2 thoughts on “A Factual Picture of the here-sitch-now-itch.

  1. Here, I translated this into something meaningful and profound! It has to be meaningful and profound, because it’s in French! French lyrics for your song:

    Mon dieu, je suis couvert de l’acné!
    Dégoûtant aberration hormonaux qui je suis devenu
    Vous me regardez pas
    ou de me parler
    Je ne devrais pas vous parler de toute façon
    Je suis un vampire
    Vous êtes un beignet
    Je suis un loup-garou
    Vous êtes un requin
    Je suis un panier
    Vous êtes un arbre
    Je suis l’océan
    Vous êtes une paire de lunettes cassée
    Je n’aime pas pour les poissons
    Vous regardez des films sur les ours en colère.
    J’ai reçu un télégramme de l’autre jour
    Il dit que vous étiez en colère. Il ne s’agissait pas de vous. Mais je trouve
    Je ne m’inquiète pas. Je ne m’inquiète pas. Je ne m’inquiète pas.

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