I have completely forgotten to cut myself some slack.
I am expecting perfection again. But it’s summertime. Over 100ish degrees. I can barely eat. I’m dropping weight. There are medical problems. Blahblahblah.
It doesn’t matter really. This is not the point here. The point is that we can be unnecesscelery hard on ourselves when things are not going well. It’s easy to blame ourselves. We pore and pore (<-not sure of grammar there!) over our history to find out what went wrong. What is the precise point of entry where we injected the Wrongness. What did *I* do to screw it up?!
For me, it's always about Being Sick. A L W A Y S. It's ALWAYS had something to do with some thing that I do because I am frightened or freaked out or my mind is going a mile a minute. It's always because I have the neediness. This is why I do not bond with the humans so much. It is why when I am hunted down, I am almost vicious with pushing away. I can project out the end of a partnership or a relationship before it even begins. I often do.
I ALWAYS do.
The point? I need to stop expecting myself to function at peak capacity during these summer months. I need to stop poring over everything that I have done and said; looking for Items of Offense. That's something I am sadly all too familiar with. I have lived my whole life pursued by Judge and Jury of some kind. I have always been found wanting. Those rare times when I have been able to relax and feel this is good … I am accepted … I am understood. I am fine as I am. I am loved and I am sufficient …
..those times are precious and all too fleeting as suddenly the need to pick and weigh and measure seems to come slamming back in. And of course, as soon as I call attention to the discomfort I feel at these feelings… my paranoia, my panic, my anger at the feelings of inadequacy – my wishes that I not be taken out of turn … what do I hear?
It’s just not healthy to be so hard on yourself, Den… you really don’t seem to have any confidence at all!!!
This is why my cave has airconditioning and I am very selective about who gets to come inside. And if you choose to leave, it’s rare to be invited back inside. Because generally, after you’ve gone, you’ve kicked shit over and left a hurt-full mess behind. It seems to go in 3-6 year cycles, sadly. Cave cleaning time.
there’s something to this burning of sage.