I figure, rather than be dodgy about it this time, I’d be honest and see what happened.
I am having mental-ish problems like you would not believe. Today was a particularly harsh day. A friend came through, he didn’t know it, but that’s okay. I was about at the end of the road but I’ve got enough in me to keep going. I’m old hat at this stuff but it’s all a’jumble in my head and I have made some first-place-for-idiot stupid decisions lately. I’m hoping that things are salvageable. I think they are. I don’t know quite how big the hole I have dug myself into is. I think time is going to tell me that. The smart thing for me to do right now is just work really hard and lay really low and hope that fallout doesn’t hurt me. It would be smart to start writing a lot and start getting my ducks in a row though. It’s always smart to do that after engaging in months and months of episodic behavior.
It always kind of makes me feel funny to hear people talk about mental illness because it really does dictate my entire personality and the way I think, speak, and deal with people on a day to day basis. There are little examples that don’t really hurt to tell people about that might clear things up a little bit. I dunno …
Like sometimes in my lyrics I miss words. I did it in Invisible Girl. I meant to say “burn so much deeper than lightening” but I forgot. I got mixed up and just forgot to talk. So I said “so deeper.” This happens to me a lot when I talk or in song writing. Or I’ll so accidental spoonerisms. My roomate does spoonerisms all the time and I don’t know if this is because I do them accidentally because I have to take these medicines so I don’t do bad things. I don’t know. These are the types of examples I usually pull out to tell people. I don’t pull out the big freaky ones. I don’t like to scare the mental patients back down to the first floor of the institution. That’s kind of what my latest Nur Ein was about. It was “oh, what are you in for kid?” … “oh, you really wanna know, mu234h f$*%c3R?” …. “well, since you’re slobbering all over my strait jacket, let me tell you what *I* did to get me into this little party….”
It’s not really true. I never did any of the things in my songs. It’s all fantasy. Even the autobiographical stuff. I see your mouth is open wide, but this place gets pretty boring. So I spin yarns.
Why shouldn’t I?
I don’t usually talk like this; but I am not depressed or even bipolar like other people – even though that’s what they write down on the sheet of paper. It’s hard for me to type that but I don’t have anything really to lose at this point. This year I have been fired from two bands (fired-like behavior) and I lost a duo partner a few years back under the pretense of me being too sick to deal with … which threw me for a loop for quite a while and was pretty tough to take. I built a life online because you can pick and choose. Your attachments are nebulous at best. So you think. I have become quite dependent upon some of my friendships over time because I grew more and more hermitty but so much does not come across in the text-ing of things. Particularly when you Cannot Spell.
I don’t like to need much. I don’t like to have too much responsibility. I don’t like to tire out. I don’t like fear. I don’t like overwhelm. I don’t like feeling like I’m stupid. I don’t like feeling old. I don’t like feeling like a child. I don’t like feeling simultaneously old and saggy, that I look (and sound) like a 12-year-old, that I’m fat, that I’m shrinking down to a skeleton, that I’m ugly, that I’m uneducated, that I’m overeducated, that I’m a slut, that I’m a prude, that I’m too married, that I’m not a good wife … all these contradictory and dual-natured things that don’t match up or make sense or balance out in the middle when I already feel like I have arrived at a good “me.” I’m okay, thanks. I’m good. We’re fine.
..I don’t like a lot of things. I don’t like feeling lost and alone. I like my family and I like my friends who have been there and I guess I will see where this year is going to take me. One of my biggest flaws is that I find it difficult to go with the flow.
2010 was definitely the Year of Den. This has not been. This has been the year of sadness and invisibility and working for nothing. But it’s never too late to start over. It’s never too late to remember what my mindset was like in 2009 when I was hopeful and had nothing to lose. I didn’t know how I was Supposed to act so I approached everything with openness and adventure and the folly of “sure, let’s go there and do that and be THIS.”
People don’t like that. You are not supposed to be anything other than what you are told, and that is a lesson which I have Forgotten. Now that I have been Reminded, I have to remember to Forget it again. I wish I could be more specific. Wait, no I don’t. I’m Denise.
I am dedicating this Day of RaptureFail to you, Denise Ellen Hudson McAllister the First. You’ve done this thing once, building up from nothing and thinking you could do whatever you pleased. You can do it again. You convinced a bunch of people to love the weirdest song ever – a song that did not make any sense. A song you wrote for yourself. What’s underneath your frosting isn’t really what’s advertised. You sat down and you wrote something you believed in and put it across. People like you and they want to hear what you have to say next. Now sit down and do it again because that’s what you do.
Contests are there for due dates. That’s why you came to this place.