I’m having a weird day. Not a BAD day, necessecelery. It’s also DEFINITELY not a good day. But it’s also not bad. It just is as it is.
I am basically being forced into a place of change. I’m having to go to a place in my brain that I’ve been avoiding like a plague and having to deal with some crap that I’ve been trying not to. Change is scary. But once you have dealt with it, you’re done with it. You have moved through it, and you are a better person for it. Then, you don’t really care.
Example. I have an ex. He’s “happy for me” that I am the way I am. And while that is nice and all, his feelings for me aren’t relevant. It really doesn’t matter either way. There are times when it is nice to hear a human being who knows/knew you tell you “hey, you aren’t stupid and worthless,” for the times that you’re making stupid and worthless looking decisions (particularly in your non-existant career… a thing which is your fault! – you being me..).
I’m really just realizing how emotionally tired I am of thinking too much. Of thinking too much outside of myself. Of not being insular and self-absorbed. Being self-absorbed is NOT a bad thing. Being alone is NOT a bad thing. Being alone has gotten me so far in life. Being alone has gotten me skilled and amazing at my work. And I think it’s time to swing back around.
This is exciting to me because I have been watching my piano get repaired and I played on it just a tiny bit today. It’s almost ready. One more day of it and the tuning will be done. Then I’ll just have to work myself up physically to the place I was at. I have all my new material to figure out. I have to get used to the way that it sounds on an acoustic piano. I have to build an enviornment where I am playing out in the air and not just in headphones. I have to live doing things live in the open air. I am looking forward to making sets. I’m already rehearsing. I’ve made parts for ‘Invisible Girl’ and I’ve learned ‘Cupcake’ and I already can play and sing ‘Blame it on Ginger’ and there’s a couple of other things that I’m fleshing out for guitar and singing so that I am not just piano based. The newest couple of songs I’m putting out (one for fight and I think this latest Nur Ein one…) are going to be guitar based. Best thing? I think I am going to make ‘Patient Number Seven’ be able to have piano or guitar backing. More and more I think we’re going for that.
This is all very good, because I AM very distracted. I’m gaining so much, but I’m also losing a lot. I am kind of losing much of what I have built here on line. All things drift and sag a little bit. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be heavily engaged here. Maybe home is pulling me a little more strongly. I have always known that I don’t quite fit into the crowd that I’m surrounded by. I think that I’ve pretty much learned what I need to. If you don’t feel a pull strongly one way or another, you have to go find your own way.
Boredom is what kills artistic momentum. And I can’t afford to be bored. Being bored is a flat and juiceless wasteland of tune-free ick. And I need sunlight and fertilizer. It’s SPRING! Time to FLY! 🙂 I can’t WAIT for practicing and fun and awesomeness and NEWness and already there are flowers and cupcakes and gum and rockets and new people 🙂
Lollipops and hummingbirds to everyone 🙂