sea of uncertainty – bedtime post

I’m psyched out. I think that’s why I feel like I’m in a kind of production block and I think that’s why I’m not completing projects. Maybe the piano tuning would help. i have a lovely list of things that i’ve finished and i’m going to check one off tonight before I go to bed (hence, all the blogs).

I can’t really go into it fully. It’s a whole book’s worth of stuff that is really hard to explain. It’s a hard thing. I don’t know if “fault” is the right way to say it. I don’t know if I’m cut out of musician cloth.

I went through this twice before. Once was when my band broke up and there was really no one to talk about it. I sat with all my lyrics spread out in front of me and my ex band members who would still hang around with me talked about what a writer I was.

It was a sad time, because it was one of those transition times. My husband says it’s when you suddenly leap up to the next level. He talked about it hurting when you make a transition. He put it better than that, of course. He went exactly where he was supposed to in the conversation – wavelength-wise. As usual, he made me understand and put pieces in that I was missing. I was afraid before and now I’m not. I understand that I have no control. I get it … life. What will be will be. But I am not afraid. How can I be when I am who I am? I have been uncertain many times this year. I have been tentative and it has cost me career-stuff. Now I am not going to be. I will hold on.  Tightly. I have no control but I have always had confidence in my right to take up the spaces I am supposed to be in.

I need things I can rely on. This time it is my brain that is deserting me and I feel very lost and alone. Everything is uncertain and up in the air. I Cannot Rely on Anything to work cerebrally so I wait for everything to fall apart as it has before. It is certainly playing out that way.

Loyalty is a big deal to me right now. Loyalty, love, patience, stability.

Probably also breathing and sleeping would be a good idea.

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sea of uncertainty – bedtime post

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