(retrogressive #) 1. I’m starting to feel better. I’ve missed about six gigs of people I should have been at; so sorry about that if you are reading this. I’ll probably re-post this on Facebook, so that my brother can see it.. as a note. So I’d better make it a list… <-
(realtime #)2. I feel kerfluffled. I am very disorganized and I feel like I'm on one of those floors that shifts around.
3. I am very motivated. I feel like I can do what I need to do. I remember this feeling because I have had this feeling before. It’s drive.
4. Past, Present, and Future. A friend of mine from online passed along a video about stories and vulnerability. We all deal with life differently. I cave up. I am vulnerable with very few people. I have made poor choices in that arena before. I tend to choose the unavailable; which is both good and bad, I s’pose. I think it’s because I want to work things out for myself but not be abandoned in the process. There is probably all sorts of therapy that we could get into about how this came to be….
5. I studied martial arts once. I may get back to that. I’ve been having martial art-y feelings for a while. I am starting to disconnect from my present and; feeling little holding me to it, float to my future – whatever it is. Martial arts is a thing of my past. I think I would start over. I have a completely different body now, a different center. I hardly know who I am anymore. I would have to re-get-to-know my core.
6. The thing that it did teach me, this martial art, was that it taught me about water. Water reacts.
This is why I think that I am a songwriter. It is how I deal with the feelings. I put them into characters and stories. And the music is the frame around them that makes it all okay. And it works.
Water seems like the most vulnerable thing. You can see right through it. All the way to the bottom. But it is powerful. It can bathe you, or you can drown in it. It can baptise you, or boil you alive. It can bring you back to life. You need it to live.
It exists in states. It’s there, resolutely in the cold. Either hard or malleable and soft as down. It’s running softly but moving AROUND objects in its path.
These are defensive maneuvers. Some of the water moves through things, much/most/all of it goes around. If YOU are acting as the water, you decide.
Water is a gift though. I did keep thinking about that. What does the water have to hide? Everybody knows about the water.
7. I have been passive as water for a long time. I am a passive person. But why? Perhaps I can become passively active. These are things to think about. I have LOTS to think about. I’m on the ledge at the “edge of oblivion” but I’ve pulled up off the ledge and I’m b-r-e-a-t-h-i-n-g through and thinking.. what is next. Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be?