so lucky

I feel lucky today, or blessed, or whatever.

I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have any problems. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have a very confusing life. Sometimes I feel really lost sometimes.

Mike and I don’t celebrate valentines day. We’re probably just going to make pasta and watch TV. We used to throw parties and do things with and/or for our single friends. We tried to celebrate once or twice. We are not a traditionally “romantic” couple. We had a couple of years of that sort of thing. You change over the years, if you are in a very long term relationship with someone. I am not sure what we will be like eight years from now, which will be the twentieth year of marriage. It’s a strange thought. I hope I’ll have more substantial, real world asset to bring to the table. I feel like maybe I will.

I feel thankful today.

We keep a lot of secrets, him and I. Other people’s and our own. He’s got his own things that he does and I don’t pry. We have mutual respect for one another. He supports my pursuit of success in this “thing” I’m trying to do – whatever it turns out to be. I am slowly piecing it together. It looks and evolves differently every day.

The word evolve has love in it. It’s hard NOT to notice this when you are typing that.

I have not been focusing on my own solo things much lately. I need to make some changes in that vein. But this does not bother me that much. And there are many reasons for this.

1. I have been Not Well, and am only now starting to emerge from it.
2. I have to continue to take things slowly
3. I am going to have to build back up to where I was on a lot of my material, especially the piano
4. I’m going to have to reconstruct contacts and a lot of my fanbase, especially the real people fanbase.
5. Honestly, I’ve been trying to make Duality stick, because I need it to work.

Why do I need this to work? Is this a question that I am supposed to answer? Is it anyone’s business? Is it even MY business? What is the difference between the work that we’re doing and what my own stuff looks like? What’s the difference between one of his tracks, one of my tracks and a Duality track? What’s the difference between the two of us? What are we making? Is it worth saving? Is it worth growing?

The tracks we seem to like the most, that resonate the most; are the ones that other people have the least amount of feeling for. Or that have been criticized the most in the contests. Things that have been debated around a bit. Maybe this has been time constraints. Production. This sounds familiar to me because of how my first Spintunes contest went. The one where I fizzed out in the third round.

I think maybe this is not just a Duality thing, but this is something that affected Joe because of me. This routinely happens to me a lot, because I often like tracks that are not understood by others. I was talking to a friend in our artificion community tonight and told her that I had 4 strong songs, no make that five with Joe. I really think it might be more like seven if you count Duality in there. But those aren’t necessarily my favorite.

I really like the instrumentals that I do and that is what I wanted to do when I was young. I wanted to compose. Conduct. Control orchestras. Make them do what I wanted. I see extras on movie box sets, the soundtrack portions; and I get jealous. I think that should be me up there, doing that… if these series of stupid things hadn’t happened… it so WOULD have been…

Anyway …
‘Triangle.’ Would that have been a Denise Hudson track with a sampled guitar (ft. Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb)? No. I wouldn’t have put it out that way. We have other stuff coming up that might be things we do ourselves that we’d use each other on. I used Joe on my taco track (he didn’t like it) … but he didn’t even HEAR ‘Triangle’ until the listening party – I arranged the entire thing. Methodology-wise, very much a Denise-Hudson track. But it went to Duality, because of the way that he put together his guitar track, completely experimental, not done “correctly” recorded from far-away, with a new amplifier … just a jam, with a pick..

I am not sure what makes something a Duality track except that I feel that we have a mission. It’s a place to do things we can’t do alone. We are talking about freedom, and love, and fear, and sadness … we want to hit things that one would normally avoid, perhaps. We go on a bit too long. We are a bit too epic or soaring or lengthy. Saying things that are a little uncomfortable. The lyrics are a bit too abstract. Or they cut right through. I dunno. There is no chorus. Other comments about some of the silly things that we’ve done… but everything smooshes together somehow – sometimes by accident – in purpose. It’s weird.

I don’t know that I’ll ever write a story of a song about any of our tunes. I might about ‘Triangle’ just because it is so interesting and I was so sad and it helped so, so much. I know I will probably revamp ‘St. Andrews.’ I may work really hard one day to pull out a perfect performance of ‘End of the World.’ I am already doing these types of things for ‘Invisible Girl’ and I’m trying to learn a live version of ‘Duality Cupcake.’

That is all I have to say.

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so lucky

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