on a personal note

I have too many tweets.

I looked down, and suddenly, there were THOUSANDS of them.

I know that I send out notifications of videos, and my blogs, and that I reply to a lot of people in an effort to be engaged in my environment. I talk to a lot of people. Is it counting my DMs? I do a lot of off the book business…

However they accumulated, they were there. I was ADDICTED to Twittering. I could no longer pretend. My husband and I were ignoring each other during brunches. I had stopped reading books. Things had become dire. I was not practicing as much piano. I had started to justify … steps needed to be taken.

So I’ve done a lot of thinking. Who do I care about? Who pisses me off? Where does my energy go? Do I need to be looking at certain things? Is this the same thing that happened during myspace? During sorority/fraternity stuff (albeit professional ones, but still…)? College Band stuff? During high school? Even further back to jr. high dance social circle stuff and EARLIER playground politics at my Elementary School???

The urge to belong, the urge to connect in a robotic world. In a world of time that shrinks ever and ever more downward. To find beauty in fleeting moments that seem to be caught less and less. To look up from glowing screens into other people’s eyes. To hold hands. To kiss. To CONNECT.

This is hard for me to write, because I have social anxiety. I think that I have some social anxiety partially as a result of becoming part of this robot world. Caring too deeply how I appeared in it and how it responded to me. Building my “persona” up in it and becoming confused and conflicted if or when it didn’t line up with mine.

Everything you see online about me, even if it is creative and fairy-storied, is a reflection of who the REAL Denise Hudson is. I’m not just yanking chain now. Everything that I try to write for myself … everything that I pass along to Joe that he considers for his own personal use or that we decide will be a Duality track. I have my own personal mission and I know that Duality has a purpose that lines up with what I have always wanted a partner-project to do. The people that we’ve worked with have locked into all this too. Weirdly enough in this latest thing that we’re doing, which isn’t really a contest – Frankensong – the people on our team seem to have the same feelings about music. We are all very different. We may come up with something fifty ballparks away from what is in our deep-seated inner-souls. But there’s a part of that that’s also appropriate.

It’s about touching. It’s about having fun. We’ve connected over donuts, of all things. We named ourselves Donutworthy. Graham wants us to film ourselves recording. Eating donuts. Being weird or whatever. I don’t know what that will end up looking like; if we’ll actually do it. If Joe does it it will be the first and so far only video we’ve been in together. The only Duality video that’s out is Joe’s video about the Apollo moon landing for our song ‘Columbia (Apollo 11)’

I think that Duality is about love and freedom. And space and time. A non-static concept of home. And I think that what *I* am about is telling the truth I see. When I feel that I am resting in a place, in community where I am safe, as I am starting to feel in the physical and musical places around me, I start to feel stronger about saying the things that are on my mind. I start to think, “well, why COULDN’T I just sing about that? Why shouldn’t I write that?”

I get brave. Love and acceptance from people makes me brave. When I have backing and stand-up, it makes me brave. It has been nice to discover and be able to say “no, this is NOT a silly time-waster of a place. If you do it in a certain healthy way, if you can come and take what you need and leave behind light where you were, light, or emotion, or just something that people need to hear – even if it happens to be shouty or angry or sad or terrible or right or wrong or fanciful or beautiful or controversial – if you are doing it from a true unspoilt place then …

these things are good. And that is what I think.

PS. In my last 10-12 entries. There have been lots of room for links. I have not been doing this. I have felt lazy and omitted links and tags. This is because I am being gentle with myself, and just writing for right now. I’ll go back to being snazzy later. When things are more under control. 🙂

on a personal note

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