Dear Unnamed Object of My Eternal Frustration,
I would like to know where on EARTH (from which I admittedly do not originate), you have put my perfectly legitimate Album which I have PAINSTAKINGLY RELOADED onto your GODFORSAKEN tundra of a site … a site on which it is IN THEORY already spinning on a mysterious RADIO STATION bearing my name – where I have fans that I do not know how on earth to connect with that are “top listeners” I have no idea how to connect to any of my other networks in any meaningful way. I am not receiving any royalties for these spins either; no indeed you make it impossible for me to get to that point with your labyrinthine system of legitimacy acquisition … so what is a nothing musician like me to do? – oh me … who has only been (HAHAHAHA!) professionally working in the field in a LAUGHABLE capacity for two decades of her non-Grammified life?
I would also like to know why my Partner (also small, but on a much larger scale) is having such a Rocking successful time of it, breezing through your hallways of doom. Perhaps it is because he is one of those gamer types, and is used to seeing the likes of you lurking around corners; covered in green slime. I have to admit that it’s making me just the SLIGHTEST bit jealous seeing attractive and fantastic photos and little interesting tidbits of information jump up effortlessly upon his page (although realistically this does NOTHING but benefit me, as do all his other activities!) … because everytime **I** try to do a single SOLITARY thing on your site you #$*& me up the #$&^ with a Gnurgleflarg!
(trust me. It’s NOT a nice feeling).
So, basically, you are a fosterer of band discord and jealousy and disharmony where before there was nothing but candy and flowers. You are a maker of insanity where before there was nothing but craziness.
I would love to know how BOTH my Partner and I can acquire the coolness points enough to have the easy time of navigating your site and achieving airplay, royalties, fans, and success … dare I say even integration with audiences in ALL our areas of intersection through other social networks. We are GUNG-FRICKKIN-HO, let me tell you! We are ready to WORK HARD! We are AT-IT!
So let us put on your version of whatever those sunglasses-of-justice might be and please, prettyplease with whatever trendy dessert topping you’d like on top that will get us stats – help a sister out…
you know, or not. Cuz I bet you ain’t readin’ the little guy.
In last, worst hope,
(not of course, Duality)