same old tune :)

I’m at the doctor with my stepfather and sister-in-law. It’s been quite a couple months. It doesn’t really feel like the holidays. This whole fall season has been a sprint of confusion into winter. I have a lot of drafts sitting around, but mostly, I haven’t known what to write.

It’s been over a year since I’ve been part of an online community of people who are nerdier than me, for the most part. What I am is alien. I’m strange to them and strange to the people surrounding me. I’ve burrowing now more than ever into this loneliness of mine because I’ve had a few intense and surprising things happen to me. I wrote about them during NaNoWriMo, and I don’t feel I will ever get that thing reordered.

The thing that bothers me the most now is wasted time. I invested time into people and relationships that appear to have been futile and meant nothing; and I think that I have done this before. I hate the wasted time inside myself too; because I am ready to work and accomplish goals. I feel as if I don’t I will be left behind and the next shiny and glittery thing will sweep all I have built away.

Such is the nature of entertainment, I suppose.

But I think for me it has always been more about message, code, substance. I don’t care for quick joke… lick-n-stick fast fix as I say.

This will continue to keep me unpopular. This will make me undesirable in many ways.

But I’m used to it ๐Ÿ™‚

The trick is to be grateful for surprises. And blessings.

and love..

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

same old tune :)

2 thoughts on “same old tune :)

  1. I too am fighting with wasted time. I’ve been coming across the idea from multiple angles this year about Creating your life instead of Reacting to your life. I am a very good react-er I think, but the whole creating thing is a little scary to take on. Though I know I would be much happier once it happened. So I keep nudging myself a little closer to that. And it is hard for me to make choices that I think will make me unpopular or unliked, but the result I am discovering is that it means I end up not liking myself, and THAT gets expressed in so many sad ways. So, maybe it will start cutting out the people and things that don’t make me happy and start making sure that the connections I do have/make/keep are healthy and supportive and powerful.

    Thank you for your bravery!

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