music and pretending

I have had a hard week.
Like, a REALLY hard week. Taking me away from my pretty-easy-to-look-at life for a moment, because I don’t tell people everything so when you look at me through a telescope I look pretty luscious and creamy and covered in chocolate and stuff or like a nice Jello salad or something. … at least like something fattening from the buffet – well, when you look –
it doesn’t look all that BAD.

But my life is hard on the INSIDE! It’s a Good Chocolate Candy Bar. It’s one of those ones in the really nice box of expensive chocolates that has the icky filling that’s gross and hard to bite through.

I kind of wanted to be the ghetto chocolate. The yumyum stuff that you you buy and buy and buy. But this is my life. I’m complicated and difficult.

So it’s been harder to chew through this week than on other weeks. Writing and excessive reaching out to a world that doesn’t exist in increasingly psychotic fashion has somehow kept me somewhat sane. I don’t quite know why. Perhaps this is because I am a diarist and I don’t go “out” and I am not yet set-up for making videos anymore so much.

Well, it was better last night and yester-day into today. Because I finally got the piano and pianoteq set up. Now I am still very sick because … well, I don’t know why. There are several routine busting factors that are causing me grief. But I PRACTICED. Like the song says, go back to practice and i did and I’ve learned my own music and it’s stuff I really should have known. Now there are ideas brewing in my head…

It’s a good thing too. This round of Spin is kicking my ass. I feel like I’m preparing for a jury or something. I don’t know why. I’ve decided to stop worrying about it. I always worry that I do not play well with the humans. This is an experiment. A test drive. We’re gonna get by.

But I have decided to stop worrying about it because I think that I am not this person anymore. I think that I am becoming a different person that is going to do different things and is going in a different direction. I am going to trace my steps back to the beginning (like Vizzini or however-you-spell-his-name tells us to do!), and remember Anna and her Gerbil and ‘Mistakes Were Made’ an ‘Oh Queen’ because that was my departure point. That’s where I was when I got kinda… weird.

I was heading in the right direction with Fu 6 … and then I just- got confused! Really confused. I squeaked out ‘Invisible Girl.’

I can write a song in my sleep now, but I want to write a GOOD song. So I’m going to sit down, and write a GOOD song.

With me, it’s the words that tell us the tune. It’s the feelings that make the accompaniment. It’s the song that wants to be written. I take suggestions and then the song takes shape.

The last time I was in a group, a band, a duo, I lost myself in it. I sunk my identity into it. I didn’t find my way out. There was nothing left. I have to find my own way here somehow. I have to stick my flag into this month. No matter who I’m with or where I am. Or I won’t have anything to give anyone, and I’ll be of no use to anyone in any community – on large or very small scale… musically or personally.

I think that this round, I might slip a bit, but I think that I am going to start trying, in this contest, to remove myself from the perspective of the song and see if it still has the same …

ummmmph! I managed with Bluebeard, a bit, although I snuck into a character and played a part. That may be the key to this. Pretending. It worked with Stranded too. And with the top layer of Flex Time, which wasn’t well received.

This is actually helping a lot. Hmmm. Thanks for being my “Butts Up” wall.
(who even remembers that game?)

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music and pretending

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