A Scary Week, for which I am Unprepared

It’s going to be a scary week for me.

The week stretches out in front of me like this long twisty road I can’t see the end of. I’ve been setting this road up for a long time. I set this road up carefully. I set up support systems and guardrails so that I could walk down this road. I made sure I had seatbelts in the car for the times I have to load the gear and take the car. I take the map in case I have to walk alone, because I’m pretty sure that’s gonna be the case.

Now the metaphor feels like it’s falling apart, even.

I have three gigs this week. I already know they are going to go fine, because I’ve had a stressful week every week and I’ve sucked it up despite overwhelming odds I’ve kept to myself. I got everything done except for staying in Nur Ein. Everything is… sorta… going well. I’m only trembling a little bit inside and not falling apart. My structures and the metaphors might not stand, but this time my foundation has NO cracks. Everything else could sweep away.

Maybe, I’m prepared after all.

I don’t know what else to do but write. Things will continue to change. I’ll have consistency around me or I won’t. I will move through ever changing circles of this and that. But I feel like I will remain the same, and that this is okay. Instinctively I know that getting my enviornment around me and some kind of tasklist that pertains to me under control is the best and safest thing that I can do. I remember when I was a strong individual that was all wrapped up in my own little cloud.

It was really hard to get to me there. But it was clear that I had a soft heart and did care very deeply about those around me. I got a LOT done behind the scenes. It’s a REALLY good place to be. Even if no one sees you and it’s all too easy to be dismissed. It’s always MY choice as to whether or not I’m gonna to get bitter about being overlooked. If I want to stand in the front of things, I’ll pick some other sitch to get into, I s’pose.

I would so much rather be backstage in the frenzy of activity than out in the sun, where it is tiring and awful. Then when I go out, I am in a professional and elaborate costume… beautiful and prepared.

And everyone is very very happy. 🙂

This is what my dreams tell me, when I get a real good sleep.

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A Scary Week, for which I am Unprepared

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