I’m bothered. I’m in a snit. I don’t know why. Well, I do … but I don’t.
I’m worried too, because I’ve got stuff coming up. and STUFF is bothering ME. Not okay. Not cool. Not very professional of me. I’ve got to nip this in the bud. I’ve gotten off track. I need to do lists.
1. My surroundings are atrocious. It’s time to just admit it. It’s time to look at the huge pile of dirty clothes that don’t fit me, and wash them, and get rid of all the crap that I’ve shrunk out of. It’s no crime. I don’t need to feel ashamed that I lost weight without trying when I’ve been trying to lose weight for half my adult life for the stupidest of reasons. Now that I’m not trying, it’s absolutely melting off. And I can’t own it. I can’t be okay. I can’t be grateful. I’m not content or happy. I feel unhealthy, somehow.
2. I am unhealthy, to a certain degree. My priorities have totally shifted. I used to be a more insular person. Now I crave intimacy and attention. I have all but stopped practicing, like I’m waiting for a long term solitude that I know will never be mine. This is nobody’s fault. It’s a horrid thing hanging in the air. Now I hang out online with people I quietly fall in and out of love with. Soon, I will come to resent them and do something drastic to obtain a sick final drastic loneliness. I do this in life and I’m repeating the same patterns. All the same, nothing new under the sun. It’s not okay. I have to figure out a way to be with the practicing and be okay with this, because I remember how it used to be when I didn’t practice. I remember how it was when my eyes went dead.
3. I woke up one day and realized I couldn’t play. Not on command. Certain people can see this. It will only get worse as I get more and more ineffectual. And like I said before, the world moves very, very fast. I am convinced this will be solved with practice and me being around people. And not feeling so HIGH STAKES about it all …
4. I am having trouble writing.
5. I am having trouble completing tasks.
6. I am getting shifty, and things that aren’t really secrets have become secrets. I lost a pen the other day because I put it in a secret location so that no one would find it. This is pathological behavior.
7. Real secrets have become very obvious and easy to read and I have less and less to offer people in the way of mystery and … well, just being compelling. If I start having talent leaking out of my toes and onto the ground in an endless pool of suck, there will be no draw.
I am afraid of this.
Of course, all know that I have a tendency to be maudlin and go on a bit of a Miss. Havisham every now and then. So I guess I will go back to my unfinished songs. I guess I will go back to my policies, which I had in place for a very good reason:
1. Keep your cards on your chest.
2. Don’t show first drafts.
3. Don’t release tracks I don’t like
4. Don’t release tracks that aren’t ready.
5. Don’t play projects that give me a twisty feel to the stomach.
6. Walk away from anything I feel I HAVE to do.
7. Rethink anything I feel out-of-control or rushed on.
8. If I’m excited-scared of something … it’s probably something I might think about pushing myself to do though. It might be a growth thing.
9. Remember that I am a confident person and I know myself and my body. I’m a person who should trust in myself and what I feel and see.