I’m going to sit here for a while, and pat myself on the back. I get to do that every once in a while.
It’s not because other people haven’t been doing it. People like me. In fact, it is BECAUSE people like me more now than they have liked me for a LONG time … it is because of this that I am realizing how much I slip RIGHT by under the radar. It’s because there are a few people that are just REALLY jewel-toned people who have come through.
Usually, it’s hard.
The patting-on-the-back-part comes now. I look around and there are different sorts of people. We all have our trials. And I see lots of ironies in the world around me. I get VERY hurt by a lot of ironies, inconsistencies. I am as proud as the next person – as needy. As wishful of love, attention … as greedy, as whatever. I was as frickkin STOKED about hitting first place for a golden 2/3 of a day in an actual Song Competition with actual high-caliber people that I care about
Out at dinner tonight, I was talking (again) animatedly again about people I have never met. “Russ does this!” … and then “Rhod said that!” … “guess what Joe said after that ..?” ..”and then Dave sent me this email,” “I wonder what Inverse will think of that,” “I’ve got to send this to Cat,” “I did send Amy that,” “Travis played that…this or that about the Travii” … blah-blah-blah. My brother looked at my sis-in-law Liz and said that I looked alive and happy and like I was working and getting stuff done. Like I was healthy.
I’m not getting into it, but yes, this is a kind of slight change for me. It’s not like I was in a hospital gasping for air or anything … but things were going down for a while that were Not Pretty. They’ve been steadily getting better, but this is a major step in that direction.
I guess it’s easy for me to get paranoid, because I’ve completely lost it all before. I’ve seen it all disappear. I’ve seen it all get flushed down the tubes. And I never know how it happens. There’s a particular point in time where I’m doing REALLY well and then I just suddenly really TURN PEOPLE off. Droves of them. Turn away. In disgust. So natch, when things are going well, in ANY social situation, I just FREEZE UP. This has proven to be no exception. When I cracked top seven-ish, that was kind of exciting. Now that I’m in the top-top … I have this horrible fear. There’s more to lose. Because I’m stuck out in the middle of nowhere and I hate that. People don’t pay attention to you until they do. And I know FULL well that I am not the sort of person that lends themself well to being paid attention to.
Go ahead, do a google search for my name. See what you find.
Anyway, this is not about that. Ultimately, it doesn’t really MATTER if anyone pays attention to you. I know that I have some people in my life now that would argue this with me. There would be some on my side, some against my point, and some that might argue just to argue. I dunno. But for me I remember knowing that I needed to continue making music NO MATTER WHAT happened to me. It didn’t matter if NO ONE came, no one paid ANY attention to me, whatever. I just needed to get out there and do it.
Because it’s my job. Even if I’m not getting paid it’s my job. That’s how serious it is. Even if I have another job at the time. If I have no “job,” if I’m working two or three other jobs, if I’m working other music “jobs,” … just whatever/whenever. Me making MY music or making the music that I want to create with people who I want to create it with and who excite me is my “work-work.” That’s what I want to do with my life.
Everyone should get “paid” to do that … whatever that means.
I know that I’m crazy right now, anyway. I’m glad I have the people around me that I do, but I know that there’s a statute of limitations on that. I have a lot of learn about restraint. When I get sick, it’s not something that people really like to deal with, or be around. So I need to tone it down, and figure out how to deal with all of that myself.
I just hope I’m going to get through SXSW okay. That’s going to be a REALLY hard week for me. Honestly, I hope that I manage to stay involved, stay online, keep all my friends, and not just fade away. Every year, I get completely messed up around this time so I’m just riding it out and waiting.