a long overdue post

Okay. So I’m going to go ahead and blog now. I haven’t been blogging for a while. This is mostly because I live in fear. Or because I live in a cave. Which is not as nice as living in a cafe. It’s easy to slip up, and type “cafe” when you are trying to type “cave.” It is thoughts such as these which make me believe that perhaps I should be “in bed.”

I’m thinking of REALLY reviewing the FU. Like, as in all three rounds. Including shadows (I know someone who would be happy about that). I think this because I am starting to care less and less about what people think. The reason I am starting to care less and less about what people think is because I am stupid.

I am not going to elaborate on that, so just let it go.

Suffice it to say that humans are mostly stupid creatures. We have hot, surly emotions that well up in our bellies that are uncontrollable. I get mine out through songwriting. Tomorrow I will go to a cafe, smoke cigarettes, and reorganize my folders before I have to go to a rehearsal with my duo partner on Wednesday. I am emotionally unprepared for this meeting. I cannot rely on anything wonderful to happen to me Tuesday that will gear me up for Wednesday, nothing that will make me strong or superconfident. My husband is not going to save me. I am not going to get discovered accidentally at Ruta in some random posture typing on my computer … just so and be whisked away to fame and fortune. I cannot rely on devotion or followers or … adoration. Or votes.

But, I will record my video, because I have a surprise and I’ve been practicing it all night with my excess negative energy.

All I can tell you about the negative energy is that when you think you have more of a safety net than you do, or you think that you are more aware of your surroundings than you are … it’s little things like texts and unfamiliar/familiar surroundings like internet and listening parties and even just driving that freak you out. I felt like I was in a sea of weird all day without a benchmark. I have forgotten the first rule, and that’s that I cannot rely on anyone else to think that I’m wonderful, fabulous, or awesome. And this is ironic, because I am in:

first place.

That’s right folks. So I have hella people that think I’m awesome. Tons of people who even TELL me that I’m awesome. So I know this is just stress. This is just the demons coming up. This is just fear of things that have happened years ago. Fear I’m going to screw up my life in some unfathomable way. Fear that …

… i don’t know. I’m just ALWAYS afraid. But I’m not afraid of my piano, and practicing for four hours tonight felt like coming home to where I was supposed to live. EXACTLY.

Internet, expect less of me 🙂

a long overdue post

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