1. Audio, if you do it correctly, can get REALLY lonely.
2. Piano, if *I* do it correctly, is SUPPOSED to be solitary.
3. I have not been alone, and I am suddenly afraid of being alone, and my own shadow.
4. I am suddenly addicted to attention, like a small child. This could be why I am hedging on getting the gigs again. I know better than this.
5. Something is once again missing from the puzzle that is my ridiculous brain.
Screw the lists. Practicing was lackluster today, as I knew it was going to be. I knew it was going to make me into an angry red sore to be around. I knew it was going to take my mojo away. I knew it was going to make me un-sexy. I knew it was suddenly going to be stupid. It was going to be “Denise what’s wrong?” and … whatever. Even if it was in my own head. I knew that it would be tempting to run away from slow hands and burning wrists and clumsy fingers. I knew eventually I would HAVE to run away from a twitching in my right hand because if I overworked it we would get another Hungarian January Repeat (specifically the friska! – which I will never play this way! … because few can, I can’t even get through the music so much) and we don’t want that.
By the way, I would kill for Horowitz’s trills. They make me cry.