more about me and my process than you care to know

1. I think in 140 character or less segments. This is a Problem. I think that I have become attention seeking and desperate. I don’t know if this is because of the music business, chat rooms, or both. I suspect a little bit of both.
2. I have stopped completing songs with me in mind. I think that I USED to complete songs with “me” in mind because I used to keep myself in kind of a forced isolation mode. While this was not exactly healthy, I did control the stimuli around me. I could think and I could write. Things weren’t good last year, and they were better in 2005 production-wise.
3. I think that maybe my husband being home all the time is affecting me somehow. I’m not sure how. I think that maybe it is making me NEED to be around people ALL THE TIME. Even on the internet. When he leaves, I don’t let out a huge sigh of relief and start running to the piano. I run to look to see what someone else has posted. I think this is because I know that I’m not going to get a 6 hour block of time to work. I don’t think that this is anyone’s fault. It is what it is. So I’m trying to do the type of work that one does in these short bursts. The practice-practice can come later I suppose.
4. It’s going to be a little hard for me when he goes back, because I’m going to have to go right back into being the person that I used to be who is more focused. There will be less of me … around … all the time. I’ll be sitting at my instrument for 5-7 hours at a time. I’ll be sitting on my computer, and it will be disconnected because I’ll maniacally be in the folders shifting the lyrics back and forth. Because I have hours of time to just be thinking in clips and poetry. I won’t be going on YouTube and getting ideas. I won’t be immersing myself.
5. I’ll probably stop listening to other people’s music for a while, which I’ve gotten some raised eyebrows for. But I know that I’ve actually just isolated and wiped everything off my iPhone, and put maybe less than 100 tracks on there from time to time (I have less than 100 tracks on there now). I don’t really like music in a traditional way. I don’t feel like I have that luxury. I think about music in form, I think about it in flows and feelings. It has to make me feel a certain way. I will pick out a simply AWFUL song which I hate because the first eight bars of groove makes me feel ABSOLUTELY turned on. Then I will just rewind it over and over and OVER again to that and only that.
6. I’ve become obsessed with covers and gigging, which I didn’t use-d to be (bad grammarandIdon’tcare).
7. I like the way I talk, and write lyrics. I doubt I’m going to be changing this.
8. I had a strange moment in the studio. I went in to help with pianos and … [EDIT] …I was going in for tech reasons, because I have cool pianos. I’ve “rendered” (that’s what I call it – I think you actually say “modelling”) a bunch of pianos with pianoteq; and I thought they were really great. I use them in my work. I also made some synths and some little wurlys. Some little cute organs and some other things. I practiced a solo for one of the songs, because I thought – {edit, “maybe I’ll be called upon to do something on amother song on this record; and”} … it will be {edit “something“} with an instrument like this. But I went in [EDIT-OUT]

The {edit: “person who ended up playing the piano on the track that WAS worked on that day is a different sort of player to me. I wouldn’t have fit into that song, had I been called upon to play it. So it’s good that they had another player. But it does make me realize how much I really don’t get the vibe sometimes, of other people’s music. How differently I interpret things.”}

I am not really a masterful fit anywhere, but with my own music. This happened in the TMA as well. Well, it happened in a specific project in the TMA, and I had to kind of negotiate around that. Typically, I thought it would end in disaster, but it just ended in an interesting relationship that is strange to say the least. I’m full of strange relationships. The other collaboration I did is more confusing, because I fit into it so seamlessly that I’m still thinking about it and it bothers me a LOT. I didn’t play an instrument on this one.

I write in this blog because no one is really paying attention anymore. I can read the signs of when people get too busy and kind of tell. I got a lot of votes this time in the Song Fu, but this is a good time for me to keep flying under the radar. At least, I hope so, because I think I’m getting to that point where I’m starting to slip and to lose myself.

Plus, and this is a big worry – I don’t know how many (really), of my votes were “shiny votes of the other sort” and not really votes I would have gotten with a song of my own complete effort. I’m rather nervous about the next round. Maybe I made too much of a good decision. I’ve never been so grateful for the support of Austinites, and never been so SURPRISED at them crawling out of the woodwork at the last minute.

Now, I suppose that I will have to do a quick video – going against everything I believe – explaining a silly thing I say. I’m part of a community whether I like it or not. I can’t really explain this weird little family that we have. It’s pretty intense to say the least. I don’t really know my role in it either. I guess I worry too much about stuff. :S

more about me and my process than you care to know

4 thoughts on “more about me and my process than you care to know

  1. Your role in this weird little family is to fill the Denise Husdon-sized-hole that would be left if you weren’t there! I don’t think you need to worry about losing your autonomy, your creativity or your “voice” by admitting that you enjoy having friends and being part of a Super-Secret TMA Club or having us around! But yeah, I too sometimes need to find balance between virtual fun and real life responsibilities.

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